Just Below the Surface
by Bensler
Summary: Olivia has someone special; she and Elliot are not getting along very well; a new case and a serious health issue impact their lives. Sooner or later it's gotta be EO! Is there anything else! COMPLETE! 2-28-2008
1. Date

**Disclaimer: If they belonged to me, would I be sitting up past midnight writing about them? No. They belong to Dick and NBC and Sherman and Peter and not me.**

**Chapter 1 - Date **

**SVU Squad Room - ****Monday, January 7, 7:28 p.m.**

The only significant sound in the mostly darkened room was soft clicking as her fingers ran quickly over the keys. It was early evening and they were trying to wrap up their reports on the latest case, due on Cragen's desk by morning. From the corner of his eye, he watched her movements across the desk from him, careful that she not realize she was being observed. She had been relatively still for over an hour, engrossed in typing the report, concentrating on the computer screen before her, it's light reflecting on her beautiful face. The only movement had been her fingers flying over the keyboard and from time to time her hand moving the mouse a bit.

Now, she was beginning to fidget. She sighed, reached up and dragged her left hand through her hair, scratched her head and then rubbed her left eye. She typed a little more. Stretching, she leaned far back in her chair, then sat upright again and hit a few more keys. He heard the printer across the room to his left whirr into action from the job she must have sent to it. She reached over and ejected the CD putting it in its case and then in her top drawer. Before closing the drawer she took out a bottle of Tylenol Extra Strength and poured two capsules into her hand. She picked up the water bottle on her desk and washed them down with the last bit of water in it before she threw it in the trash. He had noticed that she seemed to be eating Tylenol the last week or so. He wanted to ask her about it, but knew she would tell him to mind his own business.

He saw the computer screen start it's log-off routine and watched as the NYPD screen saver appeared. She scooped up a handful of papers and bumped them on the desk, lining up all the pages together. She paper clipped them and set them in the IN box on the corner of her desk. She put the stack of files that littered her desk, in her bottom desk drawer and locked it. Picking up several pens and pencils, she placed them in the pencil holder by the computer.

As she stood up, her back to him, he dropped his pretense of proofing the report he had written and continued watching, taking in her appearance. She had on a light blue shirt with ruffled collar and cuffs, that showed from under her tight black sweater. The neck of both plunged just a little too much to be completely modest but neither were they revealing. She had put on a little bit of weight over the last year and half. Not that she was fat. It actually filled her out in all the right places, made her seem softer, even more attractive, as if that were possible, he thought. She would smack him if she knew what he was thinking right now. Her black jeans had thin white pin stripes and flared out over her black boots, nearly reaching the floor. She almost always wore boots. She crossed the room to get the print job, returned to her desk, flipped to the last page, signed it, put it in a large gold envelope, and wrote 'Captain Cragen, SVU - Micelli' on it and took it to Cragen's office.

Cragen was still at work, too, frowning at whatever he was reading. "Cap, here's the Micelli report. Elliot's finishing the witness statements. Unless you have something else for me, I'm out of here, okay?" She smiled as she handed them to him.

He stood, taking the report and dropping it on his desk. "No...nothing else. Come on, I'll walk you out." He took her by the elbow.

"Oh...okay. Just let me get my things." She headed back to her desk

She put on her thigh length black jacket, picked up her keys and cell phone and pushed her chair under her desk.

"G'night." She said to Elliot, barely glancing at him as he looked up.

"Yea." He grunted, watching her every step. He loved watching her walk. He loved everything about her.

They had come to a point in their relationship, once again, where they said very little to one another outside of work-related issues and even that was as little as possible. They no longer discussed a case to death, or bounced theories off each other. And they never turned to each other when a case was too gut wrenching, too heart breaking, too emotionally draining. He knew it was his fault.

After he went back home because Kathy was pregnant, he knew he had to let Olivia go, let her be free to live a life of her own. He didn't know how to tell her that was what he was doing when he tried to act like he did not care about her anymore. He did not know how hard it would be. It was killing him and he was sure, her as well.

When that pizza box bomb that was meant for her, exploded, destroying the squad room, he had wanted to run to her and pull her to him and tell her how thankful he was that she was not hurt, that she was not even in the room when the explosion occurred.

When she was attacked in her apartment by a knife wielding intruder and slashed from her wrist to her elbow, but had managed to fight him off, what had he said? He had looked at the perp, being taken away by EMTs and said, "You sure beat the crap out of him," as if he were proud of what she had done. He was. He had shown no concern for her and her injury, yet it took all he could do to keep from finishing the job she had started with the guy. He had heard her call go out on the radio and nearly dropped to his knees as the reality of what he had just heard punched him in the gut. But she could never know what it did to him.

When Fin told him about the accident, he wondered what was wrong with him that his first thought was for Olivia's safety over that of his wife and unborn child. But when he saw her at the hospital, covered in blood, he had run right by her to Kathy's room. He did not even acknowledge her, but ran right by her as if she meant nothing, as if she were nobody to him. When in reality, she was everything. He knew if he stopped to talk to her, he would lose any semblance of the tenuous grip he had on his shredded emotions and would not be able to be held accountable for his actions. When in reality he wanted to run his hands over every inch of her to see for himself that she had no wound, no cut, no injury, to hold her close and breathe her in, comforting himself by comforting her. Cragen had told them en route that she was not really hurt, at least not physically. He knew he hurt her when he acted like she was of no importance to him. But then he had hugged her and every thing he had tried to deny, everything that lived just below the surface, had rushed out to hit him full force. In that ten second or so hug, he felt more complete than he had ever felt in his entire life. He was in awe that just holding her to him made him feel that way.

More recently, when she had watched FBI Agent Lauren Cooper eat her gun, he had not been there for her. Lake was there and told him what had happened. He did not tell him Olivia's reaction but Elliot knew her, better than himself and he knew it affected her deeply. She would not talk to him about it, he tried to get her to...sort of...but she had brushed him off and he did not push like he had in the past when he knew she needed to talk about a case. He knew she had nightmares about it. Don't ask him how he knew. He just did. He had let her down in every way imaginable.

As hard as it was to act like he no longer cared about her, it was easier than letting her know he cared and knowing that he could never be with her. He could never freely love her, be what she needed. What she deserved. So, their relationship had become one of tolerance. They were partners, not friends anymore, and they worked together. That's all. Co-workers. They barely got along now, when once they had been completely in sync.

She walked over to Cragen who was waiting near the double doors. "Did I hear Munch ask you about dinner plans tonight?" He asked.

She laughed. "Well, I had plans at 6:00." She turned her watch to see the time. "It's now 7:43. He told me to meet him at Flannery's if I finished before 8:00. I think I can make it."

"Munch or your date?" The question made her laugh.

She rolled her eyes at him. "My date."

He said something else, but Elliot could not make out what because they had gone through the double doors and were in the hall heading for the elevators. He could hear her laughter, though, and wondered what Cragen said that was so funny. He also wondered who the guy was at Flannery's waiting. For her.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Flannery's Pub & Grill - ****Monday, January 7, 7:55 p.m.**

She made it to Flannery's with five minutes to spare. Looking around, she spotted him sitting alone at a small booth toward the middle of the restaurant. As she walked by the bar area to go to him, a big, bulky shadow blocked her view. Someone had stepped in front of her.

"Hi, darling. What's your number?" He asked, his words slightly slurred.

She smirked at the man and flashed her badge. "It's NYPD 40143. Give me a call sometime, sweetheart." He nearly fell over trying to back away from her as quickly as he could.

She chuckled and was still smiling as she approached the table, her date stood up and hugged her, kissing her cheek.

"That badge comes in handy, huh? I'm glad you made it. You know, I was going to give you another thirty minutes." He loosened his grip on her as he slid into the booth, pulling her with him.

"Pierce!" She laughed. "It's not big enough for both of us!"

He held her tightly. "If I let you go, promise you'll stay right here."

She kissed him quickly on the lips, laughing. "I promise."

He let her go. Pierce Kent worked for the NYPD as an analyst in the Computer Crimes Squad Unit. She had met him when she worked for the unit a while back. He had wanted to date her then, but she was trying to decide what was going on with her and Elliot and their complicated relationship. Over a year and a half later, she still did not know the answer, but had recently decided she was never going to know now that Elliot was back at home and she needed to go on and live her own life. Pierce was about 6 feet tall, blonde hair, cut short but long enough to spike just a bit. He had a nice build but was not what she would call muscular. Not like her partner, anyway. He had beautiful green eyes and a brilliant smile. He had a five o'clock...well, eight o'clock shadow, that made him look ruggedly handsome especially since he was dressed in worn out jeans and a cream colored cable-knit sweater. They had run into each other at a seminar, he asked her out and they had been seeing each other for about five weeks.

She enjoyed being with him. He was funny, interesting and smart. And there was no baggage, no history, good or bad between them. They had a good bit in common from music to movies to books. They could discuss cases from both points of view since he worked a lot of the SVU cases from the computer aspect and she had once worked in the unit and knew that side as well. The only problem was no matter how much he understood her work, he did not understand how her schedule was not her own and it could change at the drop of a hat and she had no control over it whatsoever. This was the fourth time in less than two weeks that they had to change or scrap their plans. Three nights ago they fought about it. She did not want a repeat tonight.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room - ****Monday, January 7, 8:10 p.m.**

A date. She had a date and he wanted to know who the heck with and was it serious. He didn't know why it bothered him so much. It shouldn't. After all, he was back with Kathy, had a six week old baby boy and four other kids. His wife and son had survived a horrific car accident and he should be ecstatic that they were alive and healthy. He was. He was relieved they were fine. He was relieved that Liv was fine, too. He just wished he was not so miserable with his own life. He felt like he was eighteen again and his girlfriend had told him she was pregnant. He was trapped then and he was trapped now. The first time he was bound by his Catholic upbringing, his and Kathy's parents and the fact that a man was supposed to take responsibility for his actions. He did, but the resentment he felt sometimes overwhelmed him.

For twenty years he was the faithful husband and father and what did it get him? A wife that left him and took his kids because he wouldn't talk to her, because his job kept him from being home for dinners, homework and tucking the kids into bed, from attending plays, concerts and ball games, from being part of the family. Funny thing was, his kids seemed to get it. They got that the job was in his blood and seemed to understand it was something he had to do. They took what they could, enjoyed being with him when he found time and seldom complained.

But, Kathy? She whined, complained, threatened all the time, begged him to transfer out to another unit where he would have a steadier schedule, even if he were unhappy with the work. They fought almost all the time he was at home about one or the other of these things. Or Olivia. Kathy was convinced he would rather be with her than his family. Convinced they were having an affair. They were not, had not, but he did not think she really believed him, though since the accident she had not mentioned anything other than how great Olivia was to them. She had saved them after the accident.

During his and Kathy's separation, he nearly lost his mind. It took him almost two years to sign the divorce papers. He thought he wanted to go back home. But then he realized maybe he didn't. Maybe he was just looking for what was familiar and comfortable even if it was comfortably bad. But then he realized he had feelings for someone else. His partner of eight years was always on his mind. It did not matter that they spent hours together each day and sometimes night. When they were apart, his thoughts were filled with her. But still, he went to Kathy one night after a particularly difficult case and she became pregnant with their fifth child. Once again he was trapped for all the same reasons, the wrong reasons and forced to be a man and take responsibility for his actions. He did. He was miserable and he was sure Kathy was, too.

Standing on the street in front of the precinct, he breathed the cold night air and wondered again who this jerk was she was dating. Pulling his jacket closer around him, he jammed his hands deep in his coat pockets and headed for Flannery's two blocks away.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Flannery's Pub & Grill - ****Monday, January 7, 8:15 p.m.**

"So...you finish up that report?" Pierce asked as he ate another chicken finger.

"Uh-huh." She was chewing the bite of chicken she had dipped in ranch dressing. "All done. These are so good. Or I am just so hungry!"

"Great. Does that mean we can have tomorrow evening to ourselves? He used his thumb to wipe some dressing from the side of her mouth, then he leaned over and kissed her.

"Well...unless we get a call. Elliot and I are catching over the weekend." She pushed her plate away and wiped her mouth.

She leaned back and felt his arm around her shoulders. He began to massage her right shoulder and then moved to her neck.

"Wow...I can feel the knots back here...you must be some kind of stressed. Here, turn around and I'll work some of these kinks out." He turned her and began kneading her shoulders and neck with both hands.

"Maybe it will ease my headache, too." She said softly.

"You might need to see a doctor about that, you know...it's been over a week." His voice was full of concern.

"Hmmmm...maybe I will...that feels so good, Pierce...hmmm. You keep doing that and I may fall out asleep right here in front of everyone!" She looked over her shoulder at him and he kissed her.

"Asleep! I thought my fingers worked another kind of magic!" He laughed and so did she as she turned, leaning into him as he kissed her gently and deeply.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Elliot was not laughing. He was simmering with rage. He did not know what he was supposed to feel anymore. Confusion swirled in his mind. He had realized a couple of years ago that he had feelings that were more than partner/best friend feelings for Olivia. But he pushed them aside, shoved them back into his heart, ignored them, denied he felt anything and pretended every thing was as it had always been. Only problem was, nothing was as it had been and he was not fooling anyone, least of all himself.

Then Victor Gitano entered their lives for a relatively small moment in time, in the overall scheme of things, yet, he changed them forever, making sure they could not ignore this thing between them. He forced them to face those feelings. In that moment when he witnessed Gitano's knife slash her neck, watched as her body bounced violently off the hard, cold floor of the bus terminal, he knew. Knew beyond any doubt that he loved, was in love with his partner, his best friend, Olivia Benson. In that moment his heart had ceased beating and did not commence again until he was on his knees beside her and he heard her speak to him.

'It's okay, I'm okay. Where's Gitano? Go Elliot, go, I'm fine. Go!' She had whispered urgently, hand to her neck, blood seeping between her fingers, her eyes wide with fear.

Now, watching as this stranger, this date of Liv's, this jerk massaged her neck and shoulders, kissed her lips and whispered in her ear, he knew he had no more right to the feelings he felt now than the ones he knew he had felt for two years. Or at least, acknowledged for two years. He was married. He had no right to be jealous that Olivia was with another man. A new man he had never even heard her mention.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room - ****Tuesday, January 8, 7:50 a.m.**

The next morning Olivia was not at her desk like she usually was when Elliot got there. He wondered where she was, but then realized it really was not late, just late for her. Cragen's voice startled him as he was settling at his desk.

"Elliot, Liv called. She's running late. Be here in about an hour." He said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Oh." She used to call him when she was late and get him to cover for her if Cragen said anything. "Say why? I mean, she's not sick or anything..." He wanted information, but did not want him to know that was what he was doing.

"No...but I would suspect it had something to do with her date last night." He smiled and winked at Elliot before going back to his office.

Fingers of pain instantly gripped his head as it began to pound at the mention of Liv's night. It was way too early in the morning for a headache. This was going to be a rough day. He went to Liv's desk and got the Tylenol bottle out of her drawer and shook four capsules into his hand. He threw them back into his throat and swallowed them without water.

Less than an hour later, Liv arrived for work. Taking off her coat and hanging it on the back of her chair, they glanced and each other, just as she sat down. She gave him a slight nod and wiggled the mouse to get the log-in screen and proceeded to key in her I.D. and password. She did not look at him again nor speak.

Clearing his throat, he had decided to try to talk to her. "You okay? I mean, you're not sick or anything, are you?" He asked hesitantly.

"What?" She looked up at him as though she did not understand him. "Oh...no...I'm fine." She went back to the computer screen, checking figures on the screen against some papers on her desk.

"Good." So much for that little ploy that didn't answer any questions. "Have a doctor appointment or something?" He pretended to be reading the report in his hands.

She stopped what she was doing and looked at him. Really looked at him. Her eyes were almost black instead of their normal chocolate brown. They became darker when she was mad or scared. This morning, he went with mad, though he was not sure why. What could he have done to get her this mad already? He just asked about her well-being. She was angry about something else...but he was sure it had to do with him.

A slight smirk played at the corner of her mouth. "Or something." She replied sarcastically and then went back to her task.

She had seen him as she and Pierce were leaving Flannery's last night. He had turned his back at the bar as they passed, but she saw him. If she were honest, she would admit that she felt him, his presence, long before she actually saw him. Since the beginning, they had always had this heightened sense of the others proximity. She knew he was there to check up on her and see who she was dating and she was angry that he felt like he had the right to do so.

"Oh. Okay." Well, that went over really well, too. What was the smirk about, he wondered? He sighed and went back to work.

Once she realized Elliot was not looking at her anymore, she sneaked a glance his way. When she determined he was engrossed in his paperwork and it was safe to watch him a minute, her gaze locked on him. His profile, with his one visible squinting blue eye, strong jaw and somewhat of a pointed Roman nose, was decidedly handsome. He was wearing a charcoal gray plaid shirt with a maroon colored tie. His shirt sleeves were rolled up and she could see part of the Marine tattoo on his right forearm. She watched as the muscles in his arm flexed and twisted as he wrote in a notepad and she wondered what it would feel like to have those strong arms wrapped around her.

Shaking her head in a vain attempt to rid her mind of the thought and any others along that line, she reminded herself that he was once again off limits to her and she needed to get a life. Which was exactly what she had been attempting to do with Pierce. So, why did Elliot always manage to jam things up between her and any potential suitor? She wondered if it just happened or did he actually plan it? Sometimes she wished she had taken the job offer with the FBI. She stole one more look at him and he chose just that moment to look up at her. For just a second, their eyes met and held a brief conversation. It had been a long time since they 'talked' to each other that way. As she broke the gaze and went back to her work, her heart begin to race at the unspoken words between them.

- - - - - - - - - -

A/N: Review are appreciated. Let me know what you think! " ) Bensler


	2. Deliberations

**Chapter 2 - Deliberations**

**SVU Squad Room**

**Tuesday, January 8, 10:15 a.m.**

Cragen came up beside Liv's desk. "Liv, Elliot. There's an emergency hearing in family court this afternoon on Ariel Stanford to determine if she stays with ACS or is released to into her paternal grandparents custody. Two o'clock."

"What? I thought her father was living with them, now? And there is a restraining order against him to keep him away from Ariel. How can they do that?" Elliot questioned.

"Yea. They can't put Ariel in the same house as her abuser! I promised her he would never be allowed near her again!" Olivia chewed her bottom lip, extremely upset by this news.

Placing a hand on her shoulder, the Captain nodded his head. "That's exactly why you two are needed at the hearing. I'll expect a full report on my desk by morning." He went back into his office.

Olivia and Elliot just looked at each other, she shaking her head.

Ariel Stanford was ten years old. Her mother had died last year in a car accident. Her teacher had become concerned when Ariel's attitude suddenly changed and her grades plummeted. She thought the child was grieving and missed her mother. She talked to her and was surprised when Ariel opened up and started telling her, instead, of the unspeakable things her father did to her. SVU was called in a five weeks ago and Ariel and her younger sister, Allison, seven, were removed from their home by ACS.

She was small for ten. Long dark hair that had been pulled back into a ponytail reached past her waist. Her huge brown eyes held fear and pain instead of the wide-eyed innocence of childhood. It did not take Olivia long at all to endear herself to Ariel. When they finished their talk, Ariel ran to her and hugged her as Olivia was leaving. Caught off guard by her reaction, Liv found tears threatening to spill from her own eyes as she hugged Ariel back.

"You look like my Mommy! I miss her so much! Please don't leave me!" Ariel cried.

Olivia pulled her away enough to kneel down in front of her. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry, but I have to go. Ms. Jackson here is going to make sure you a good family to stay with while we figure some things out, okay?" Her voice was low and soothing.

"No! No! Please! I want to stay with you, Olivia!"

She brushed some strands of hair that had escaped the ponytail, away from her face. "Ariel, honey, I have to work really long hours. I cannot take care of you like you need. You and Allison go with Ms. Jackson. I promise I will see you again, okay?" She smiled and hugged Ariel to her.

Sniffling, she finally took Ms. Jackson's hand and let Olivia leave.

Marty Stanford had lost his job when he was arrested for child molestation and in turn, lost his apartment. So, he was now living with his parents who were suing for custody of their grandchildren. What kind of people were they that they could try to do this to their granddaughter? Olivia's stomach turned at the whole sickening situation.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Tuesday, January 8, 4:15 p.m.**

Elliot and Olivia returned from court at four fifteen and began filling out the DD5s for Cragen. Fin and Munch were working leads on their present case.

"So, how'd court go? Deliberations must not have taken long." Munch asked, peering over his glasses at the two partners.

"Judge denied the petition. Kids will stay in ACS custody." Elliot replied as he sat down at his desk.

"They are going to do their best to keep them together when they are placed." Olivia added, sitting on the edge of her desk, swinging her right leg back and forth, with the left firmly planted on the floor.

"Great...you guys did a good job." Munch said, nodding his head, still peering over his glasses.

"How could they even think of bringing her to live with her father when she has accused him of those things?" Lake asked.

"They don't believe their son is guilty. They think Ariel is just grieving over her mother and has misunderstood his ways of trying comfort her." Elliot told them, shaking his head in disgust.

"Comfort? Yea, right. Those people are either as sick as their son or they ain't got a clue!" Fin remarked.

"There is no doubt in my mind that he is guilty. If you could have seen the look in Ariel's eyes when she described the things her fa...her father did to her..." Liv trailed off, thinking back to her questioning of the little girl.

"When's Stanford's trial?" Fin was sitting at his desk, leaning back chewing on a pencil.

"Casey says it's not on the books yet." Elliot told him.

Liv was not feeling well. She had been getting headaches quite frequently now for over a week. She had gotten one today right after lunch, and now felt a bit nauseous and shaky. Earlier this week, she had thrown up once, as well. Elliot, always hyper aware of every nuance about her, noticed something was wrong.

"Liv? You okay? You look pale..." He stood to go to her.

"Uh...yea...I just...no..." She jumped up and ran to the ladies room.

All the guys looked at each other in disbelief. Olivia rarely ever got sick.

"She's been getting these headaches...living on Tylenol..." Elliot explained, his eyebrows knit together in a deep frown.

"I saw her throw up the other morning...in the trash can...couldn't make it to the restroom. We were the only ones here...made me swear I wouldn't tell anyone...you think it's something serious?" Lake had a worried look on his face.

Elliot just looked at him and then quickly got up and followed her. A female uniformed cop was coming out of the ladies room when Elliot got there.

"Anyone in there besides Benson?" He asked her.

"No...is she okay? I heard her being sick..." The cop was curious about her and why he was following her.

"Probably something she ate." He told her, as he opened the door.

He went in to find Liv on her knees in front of a toilet, her head so far in, her bangs almost touched the water. She was still retching, though nothing was coming out, the contents of her stomach already expelled. He got some paper towels, wet them and went into the stall with her. He flushed the toilet. Gently, he wiped her forehead and cheek. She was covered in a clammy sweat. She took the towels from him, wiping her face and mouth. He rubbed her back softly.

"Thanks." She whispered as she glanced up at him and then away. Her make-up was smeared around eyes that appeared hollowed out. Even with her naturally dark complexion, she was pale as a ghost.

"You okay?" His voice was thick with concern. When she did not answer, he continued. "Feel like you're getting sick or you think it was just something you ate?

"Don't know." She tried to stand, but was very shaky. "I...I need to...to sit down."

He helped her to the small couch in the lounge area of the restroom. She hated being helped by anyone. Hated having to rely on anyone. She had been alone for so long, she had learned not to rely on anyone but herself. She especially hated being helped by Elliot or having to rely on him. After all the months he had pretty much ignored her and anything about her, she cringed at the thought of having to accept his help in her weakness.

At the moment, she did not have much choice, because she knew she would never make it to the couch on her own. Reluctantly, she took his outstretched hand and tried not to think about how small hers felt in it. Or how strong and rough, yet gentle his felt as he gripped hers. She tried not think about the warmth that flooded through her at his arm around her waist, steadying her, holding her close to him as he guided her to the couch. She tried not to notice the fragrance of his cologne that she could not help but breathe in because he was so close. Closer than he had been since the hug after the accident. She was very aware of him and she mentally chastised herself for it.

Taking a cup from the dispenser on the cooler, he got her a drink of water. "Here...drink some." He sat beside her, holding the cup for her to take.

She took it, but her hands were shaking so bad, the water sloshed over the sides and down her blouse and pants. He quickly put his hand around hers, steadying the cup as he guided it to her mouth. She drank about half of it.

"Thanks...uh...I...I'm just going to sit here a while, okay? You...you...don't have to stay...go on back...back to work...I'll be all right." Even her voice was shaky. She was very uncomfortable with him hovering over her. She wondered when she started feeling uncomfortable around him.

Elliot looked at her, deeply concerned, not at all easy about leaving her alone. He had never seen her this helpless and it bothered him. He wanted to somehow protect her, stay with her, just in case she would be willing to admit she needed him. But he knew his partner and he knew she would never admit she needed anyone, least of all him. Especially after the way he has treated her recently. He knew she did not want to be coddled, so he stood to leave, still watching her warily.

"Okay. But if you are not back out there in ten to fifteen minutes, I'm coming in and bringing back-up." He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

She smiled a half-smile as she leaned against the back of the couch and closed her eyes.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Midtown Manhattan **

**Tuesday, January 8, 5:00 p.m.**

He had watched her for a couple of weeks, having many deliberations with himself before putting his final plan into action. He knew what time she arrived for work...that was about the only thing that was consistent as far as time. She would leave during the day at various times for varying lengths of time. Sometimes she was alone but most of the time she had a tall, well built man with her, though, on occasion, there were at least three other men that she left with as well. She almost never got off work at the same time of day.

He knew she ate at Bert's Diner at least twice a week, sometimes more if she came for breakfast, getting a bagel or just juice, and got drinks from there almost daily. She also liked Moretti's Italian, but Bert's was just across the street from her work, so she ended up there much more often. Once or twice a week she and group of three or four men and sometimes another woman, would go to one of the bars nearby. O'Reilly's seemed to be a favorite.

When he was comfortable with her routine, he had applied for and gotten the job, ecstatic that he would have the opportunity to see her several times a week. Sometimes more than once in a day. He just had to make sure his boss knew he was available for any and all shifts. He had worked for three days before she came in and ordered a small salad. He fixed it for her just like she asked, with extra cherry tomatoes and ranch and Italian dressings on the side. He threw in a little extra something at no extra charge, especially for her. She was beautiful.

It might take some time for it to work, but he felt like his plan was fail proof. If he gave too much at one time, it would certainly do the job, but it would also bring too many questions. Patience would be his ally and ultimately the key to the success of his plan. Just a little at a time.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Wednesday, January 9, 1:54 a.m.**

Elliot could not sleep. He lay in the bed next to Kathy, staring at the ceiling, wondering when his life got so messed up. He thought about Olivia and the headaches. He was really worried about her and hoped she would see a doctor soon. She has never been one to get sick and he was very concerned. He had never seen her like she had been in the restroom. Then he thought about her date. He wondered if they were together now. If she let him...if they were...he squeezed his eyes shut trying to rid his mind of the images that were flashing through it. He willed himself not to think about that, about her being with another man. He laughed inwardly. Another man...as if he were the man in her life and had a right to be upset. He was lying here next to his wife so didn't Olivia have the right to lie next to whomever she chose? The images assaulted his mind again so he changed his line of thinking all together.

He thought of his kids and how he loved them. They meant the world to him. He even loved Kathy but he knew it was not as a man should love his wife. It was more because she had been part of his life for almost twenty three years and had given him four...five beautiful children. He wondered would they have stayed together if she had not gotten pregnant. He doubted it. They were too young and he was getting ready to go off to college. He wondered if she ever thought about things like this. When he came home after she told him she was pregnant with Elliot, Jr., they both walked on eggshells, careful not to offend the other, careful to be nice, to not raise their voices, politely at odds. They had not had one argument. Elliot would have thought that was good, except the stress from being someone he was not, was nearly as bad as the stress from all the fighting. Then one night, or rather early morning, about month and a half into their so called reconciliation and the third time that week, Elliot got a call from Cragen. He and Liv had to go out on a case and Kathy went ballistic.

"Elliot, this is the third time this week and it's only Thursday." Kathy whined, sitting up in the bed, watching him dress.

"I know. I'm sorry, Kath. You know how it is..." He did not know why he had to keep defending himself about his job.

"Yes, I do know how it is! And I am sick and tired of it! I want you to check into transferring to another unit so you can be home more, Elliot!" She demanded, her eyes a hard glare.

"Kathy...we have been over and over this. I am not leaving SVU. I love my job. Since the baby, I have been home nearly every night for dinner and I have only missed one of Lizzie's basketball games. I think I am doing a lot better and you should be happy." He explained, trying to keep his voice low. The anger was coursing through him, but he did not want a fight, not when he needed to leave as soon as possible.

"Check into transferring...I know you could get on in Queens and it would be closer and you wouldn't..." She was standing in front of him now, her arms around his neck.

"I am not transferring anywhere. I am happy where I am." He pulled her arms from around him and finished buttoning his shirt.

"It's always about you, isn't? It does not matter if I'm happy or if the kids are suffering. Whatever you want, you get! It's always what you want, Elliot!" She was furious now.

"No, Kathy. I don't always get what I want and it's not always about me. I'm home again, just like you wanted, aren't I?" His voice was cold and his eyes like glassy sheets of ice.

"What is that supposed to mean? You didn't want to come home?" Her glare was nearly as cold as his.

He did not reply. "Elliot...tell me! Are you saying that you did not want to come home? Is that what you mean!" She kept on and on.

He stared at her for a few minutes, finished dressing and headed out their bedroom door. "Elliot, if you walk out that door..."

He turned and looked at her, his hands on either side of the doorframe. "What? If I walk out this door, what? Tell me, Kathy." His face was scrunched into a deep frown, his voice pulsing with the anger rising in him.

This time she remained silent. As he walked down the hall to the stairway, he heard the bedroom door slam shut. Since that night, they had been back to how they were before she left him. Only worse. They fought over everything and anything, but mainly his job and anything to do with his job, including his partner.

- - - - - - - - -

**Courthouse Steps **

**Wednesday, January 9, 12:10 p.m.**

All detectives were required to take a certain number of class hours each year, so, Liv and Elliot had been in a class, 'Sex Offender Management', for four hours that morning.

"Want to grab lunch before we head to the house?" Elliot asked as they left the courthouse where the class had been held.

"I'm starving. Name the place." She had thrown up the bagel and juice she had gotten at Bert's before class. She really should see a doctor, she thought. She zipped her jacket up around her neck to ward off the cold wind.

"Well, we're right here and we have a lot of paperwork to catch up on...want to just go to Bert's?" He asked, nodding toward the diner down the street.

"Fine by me." She replied, shrugging her shoulders. They headed that way.

- - - - - - - - - - -

There she was again. She had already been in this morning. This time she had the tall, big man with her. She had been in four times already this week. Once for a sandwich to go, twice for juice and bagels and once for several coffees and a tea. He had finally realized she always drank tea, not coffee. He had been able to give her something special on three of those occasions. She was one of the most gorgeous women he had ever seen. He quickly got himself in place to be the one to prepare her order.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Wednesday, January 9, 1:45 p.m.**

"How was the class? Learn anything new?" Cragen asked as he walked through the bullpen. He was just coming back from lunch.

"It was interesting. And I did learn something new. I learned that my partner can sleep with his eyes open." She laughed, looking over at Elliot who had a 'who me?' look on his face.

"That bad, huh?" Cragen laughed, too. He knew how boring most of those classes could be, especially when you have been doing the job as long as they have.

"Yea, but hey...I got the certificate, signed, sealed and ready for you, Cap." He handed him a large envelope and Olivia did the same.

Captain Cragen took the envelopes and went to his office. Elliot and Olivia started in on their paper work and running some leads they had for one of their cases. Liv was searching the NCIC to find if a suspect was in any other system. As she waited for the results, she opened her top drawer and got the Tylenol out. It seemed that she was keeping a dull headache pretty much 24/7 but then it would get much worse at times. This one was getting really bad. She took four capsules and thought again she really should make an appointment with a doctor. Her actions did not go unnoticed by Elliot.

"Another headache?" He looked over at her just as she swallowed some water.

"Yea. Pretty bad one." She said as she checked the computer screen.

"Liv, it's been, what? Nearly two weeks? You need to see a doctor." His voice was soft and the concern filled his eyes.

"Believe it or not, I've been thinking about it." Elbows propped on the desk, she leaned her head in her hands and rubbed her forehead.

Alarm ran through him at her admission. He knew the headaches must be really bad for her to consider a doctor on her own. She hated doctors. The only time she ever saw one was if she had been injured in the line of duty and she fought tooth and nail and Cragen not to have to see one then. She even skipped out on being checked after the accident. He vaguely wondered it this could possibly be from the accident, but then he decided it had been too long since then.

She went back to her computer search, writing things down in a notepad from time to time. An hour later, her head was pounding in sync with each heart beat, her stomach had started to cramp along with being nauseated and she had broken out in a cold, clammy sweat. She was about to toss her cookies. Again. She stood up suddenly and was surprised at how lightheaded she felt. Gripping the side of her desk to steady herself, she found her vision was blurred. For the first time since Elliot had gone back to Kathy, she wished he were at his desk. He had been in the file room for about twenty minutes. She could ask Lake or Fin or Munch to help her, but she did not want to draw the attention of the entire room. She stood for a minute, regaining some semblance of balance and slowly made her way to the ladies room.

Barley making it to the toilet, she heaved until there was nothing left and heaved some more. She was quite alarmed that the substance appeared have blood in it. She had not noticed that before. Her stomach was still churning and she could not see how, since there was nothing left to expel. Then she realized she needed to have a bowel movement. Diarrhea, too? She needed to see a doctor. Almost as soon as she finished with that, she felt the need to vomit again. This time there was nothing but bile and what she was sure, was blood, and it left a metallic taste in her mouth. She was finally finished. Unlike the other episodes, this incident had left her completely drained. She tried to stand, but was shaking too hard and the upward movement caused walls of blackness to descend upon her field of vision. The last thing she remembered thinking was that she had something to tell Elliot if she was going to die.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Wednesday, January 9, 4:10 p.m.**

Coming back with a stack of files, Elliot saw Liv's desk was empty. "Hey, you guys know where Liv went?"

"Nah, man...when did you become her keeper again?" Fin asked, making reference to their recent distant relationship.

"Very funny." He rolled his eyes at Fin. "She wasn't feeling well earlier...you know she's been sick. Wondered if she went home early." He was looking around and saw her jacket hanging on the rack and her cell phone on her desk, so he knew she was still in the building.

"She didn't say anything. Seemed okay to me." Fin offered.

Elliot nodded at him and started going through a file. He had been back about five minutes when a woman's voice yelling for help echoed through the squad room. He jumped and ran toward her, as did several others in the room. He did not recognize her as an NYPD employee. She had come from the ladies room.

"Help! Please help!! Hurry! Someone is passed out in the ladies room and I can't get her to respond!" She was extremely upset, nearly in tears.

"Who is it?" Elliot asked as he sprinted by her, his heart pounding because he already knew the answer.

"I..I...don't...don't know. I'm an attorney...I don't work here." She followed behind him.

He burst through the door and saw her lying on the floor in the last stall. He knew it was Liv by her clothing. But he would have known anyway. He ran to her, kneeling and cradling her head in his lap.

"Liv! Liv, baby, can you hear me? Liv? Come on, baby. Open your eyes." His eyes were wide with worry. He patted her face with one hand and checked her pulse with the other.

It was weak and erratic. Her breathing was very shallow. "Need to call a bus!" He shouted to no one in particular. "Now!" He ran his hand through her hair, still patting her face with the other. "Come on, Liv. Please. Please give me something. A smile, a grunt. Anything. Come on, babe! Please!" There was no response whatsoever.

Then he noticed the contents of the toilet. Blood. His heart skipped a beat and his breathing became rapid and deep. "Get a bus, now!!!" He screamed. His hands were trembling as they ran over her face and tried to pull her to him. "Liv! Oh, my God! Liv!! You're going to be okay, baby...I've got you! I've got you!" He hugged her to him. His eyes were stinging. He was not going to cry. He was not. He blinked rapidly and the tears dissipated.

Lake had come in just before Elliot hollered for a bus and he was making the 911 call. Cragen was there now, too, trying to disperse the crowd of onlookers that had gathered.

Fin and Munch were right behind him when the lady screamed and they now stood just outside of the stall, watching as he gently patted her face, listening to his words, knowing how much he cared about her, his partner. They saw the blood in the toilet, as well. Seeing that Elliot was too distraught to think straight, they shot looks at each other and nodded, knowing what they needed to do.

Fin put his hand on Elliot's shoulder. "Hey, man...Liv needs to sit up a bit in a semi-reclining position. How 'bout you lean against the wall and let her lean against you, okay." Fin was speaking quietly to him and put his hand around his arm to help him move over to the wall.

When Fin got Elliot and Liv settled against the wall, Munch took off his suit jacket, rolled it up and put it under Liv's knees as he pushed her legs up to bend slightly at the knee. Fin brought some wet paper towels to Elliot to wipe Liv's face.

"Where's the bus?" Elliot looked like a wild man. "They should be here by now. This is a police precinct! Liv's one of their own! Where are they?!" His voice held panic, his eyes never leaving Olivia. She was so pale, he would have thought her dead had he not been able to feel the warmth from her body pressed to his. If something happened to her...he could not even think of what would happen to him.

"Coming through." Lake hollered, clearing the way for the EMTs.

Within just a few minutes they had listened to Elliot recount her bouts of headaches and vomiting over the last two weeks and done their own assessment. They started an IV drip and oxygen, strapped her to a gurney and wheeled her out, Elliot holding her hand the whole way.

"Cap, I'm riding with her..." He said as he passed Cragen.

"I know. Call as soon as you hear anything. I'll be over when the shift ends." He put a hand on Elliot's shoulder and squeezed. He knew that even with the distance that seem to be separating these two detectives, they cared deeply about one another.

As they lifted her into the waiting ambulance, Elliot felt his heart drop. He could not imagine what was wrong with her, but he felt it was serious whatever it was. He just felt it. He could not lose her. She was part of him. Climbing in behind her, tears stung his eyes once again. This time he did not try to stop them.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:**_Okay...trying something a little different from my first story. Hope you guys like this. Please review. That is the food that keeps the writing entity within me alive. " ) Bensler_

_P.S. I just realized I could replace or make changes in a chapter without deleting the story...I did this on the first chapter and lost a couple of reivews that had aleady been posted. Learn something new everyday! " ) B_


	3. Distressed

**Chapter 3 - Distressed **

**Mercy General Hospital **

**Wednesday, January 9, 6:45 p.m.**

Two and half hours later, there was still no word on Olivia. Elliot had been relegated to the waiting room along with everyone else even though he had tried to use his badge to stay with her. Munch and Fin had come over almost immediately after the ambulance left. Cragen came as soon as the shift was over. He had been there nearly an hour. It was 6:45 p.m. Lake had gone to get sandwiches for everyone and had just come in. The men sat, for the most part, in silence as they ate. Elliot declined the offer of food and was sitting apart from the rest of the group, staring blankly at the wall across from him.

"Someone mind telling me why no one called me? I had to hear it from Sheila Arnold." Casey stood, hands on her hips, glaring at the four men.

"Oh, gee, Case. I'm sorry...I guess we were just so caught up in everything...it slipped our minds." Munch went up to her to give her a hug and bring her to sit by him.

"Who's Sheila Arnold?" Lake asked as he took another bite of his sandwich.

"She's the attorney who found Liv. I can't believe none of you thought to call me!" She repeated, clearly upset. "How is she?" She glanced over at Elliot, sitting about five seats away. He did not seem to notice that she was there.

"Sorry, Casey, I'm afraid we all have been a little rattled. We haven't heard anything yet. Speaking of calling, does anyone know the guy Liv's been dating? His name, number? Guess he should be called..." Cragen looked around at the group. Now, Elliot was listening, though he did not act like he heard anything.

"I'll call him." Lake got up and opened his phone and walked outside.

Elliot's head snapped up in Lake's direction, wondering how he knew who Liv was dating and had his number as well. He felt angry that Lake was privy to that information while he was not. Just as he was thinking of ways to torture Lake for information, his cell vibrated. Checking the caller I.D. he groaned out loud. He got up and left the waiting area.

"Hey, Kath. I'm sorry. I meant to call..." That was a lie. It had never even crossed his mind. He was too worried about Liv. He closed his eyes in preparation for the onslaught.

"Elliot, I don't understand why you cannot give me the courtesy of a simple phone call so I at least know you are not lying hurt or dead somewhere." She was angry and he knew she a right to be.

"Look, Kathy...I'm at Mercy General with..." He did not have a chance to finish.

"Oh, no! Elliot are you okay? What happened?" Now she sounded distressed.

"I'm fine...it's Olivia. She's been having these headaches and throwing up a lot. She passed out at work and they are trying to find out what's wrong." He sighed deeply, hoping she would understand.

"Oh...well...I hope she is okay. I'm glad it was not you...when will you be home?" Her voice held a tightness to it and he knew she was not going to understand.

"When I know Liv is okay...don't wait up." He was so worried about Liv, he didn't care what his wife thought.

"Elliot..." She started.

"I gotta go. Bye, Kath." He flipped the phone shut and turned it off.

Another thirty minutes passed and still no word. A tall blonde man came in and went to the information desk. Elliot noticed him but did not really pay any attention until he heard his question.

"I'm looking for Olivia Benson. I was told she was brought here." He leaned over the desk as he talked.

"She is still being assessed. You may have a seat with the others waiting for her and a doctor should be out soon." She smiled and pointed toward the SVU group.

As he walked toward them, Lake stood and went to him, shook his hand and turned around to everyone. "Hey, this is Pierce Kent. He and Liv have been dating for awhile." He pointed to each person as Pierce shook hands with them, except Casey. He hugged her. "This is Captain Don Cragen, Fin Tutuola, John Munch, you know Casey and this is Elliot Stabler, Liv's partner. Elliot did not want to shake his hand, but saw no way to refuse. Casey knew him, too? How did everyone know this guy except him?

"What happened?" Pierce asked to anyone willing to answer. He tried to look Elliot over without being obvious. So, this was the competition?

Everyone looked at Elliot, but when he did not offer an explanation, Cragen, Fin and Munch traded looks and Munch started explaining what he knew. Pierce listened intently, nodding and frowning.

"I knew I should have made her go to the doctor." He was beating himself up about this. Elliot knew the feeling.

"No one makes Liv do anything she doesn't want to, pal." For the first time, Elliot spoke up. Everyone looked at him and then at each other. The last thing they needed was a standoff between two men who cared about Liv.

Pierce laughed but it was humorless. "You're just like I heard you were, Stabler." He sized up Elliot.

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" Elliot looked him up and down, before he took a step closer to him.

The sound of a door opening caught their attention. "Olivia Benson family?" A man in a long white coat, with white hair and a salt and pepper beard, stood with a clipboard looking around.

Elliot went up to him at the same time as Pierce, who was standing closer, turned to the doctor and they both spoke at the once.

"I'm here for Liv." Elliot said, stepping around Pierce.

"I'm Olivia's boyfriend." Pierce said smugly as he leveled his gaze at Elliot's glare.

Elliot's gut wrenched at the word 'boyfriend' and he wanted to punch said 'boyfriend' in the middle of his smug face, wiping that irritatingly pleased look right off of it.

"I'm Dr. Bonsall." He looked back and forth between the two men, instinctively knowing he was in the middle of an unspoken battle over a woman. He looked at Elliot again. "And you are..."

"Her partner. What's wrong with Liv?" He asked, his eyes narrow, chewing on the inside of his cheek. A nervous habit.

"Boyfriend? Partner? Can you please clarify that for me?" The doctor asked, clearly puzzled.

"She's an NYPD detective. I'm her partner. That clear enough for you? How is Liv doing?" He was getting irritated.

"Oh, I see. Well, I can only speak to her next of kin. Are either of you Elliot Stabler?" He was reading from the papers on the clipboard.

"I'm Elliot Stabler." Elliot said as he smirked at Pierce who now glared at him in return.

"Come with me, please." The doctor went back through the same door he had come from with Elliot right behind.

He followed Dr. Bonsall into a small office. "Ms. Benson is awake and stable. Everything looks fine...BP, blood work, EKG, heart rate, MRI shows nothing that could be causing her headaches and she does not have a concussion. She is not pregnant, so I've given her something that should keep the nausea to a minimum. She was dehydrated, from the vomiting as well as not eating and drinking properly, so the IV will remain for the duration of her stay. This most likely caused her to pass out. I want to keep her overnight and run a few tests to check for some gastrointestinal disorders and I am scheduling an opthamologist to check for optic disorders that the MRI may have missed. I know she has been distressed over these headaches and I want to do all that we can to find the source. She will most likely be released late tomorrow if the tests yield nothing."

Pregnant? That had never even crossed his mind! "Concussion?" He was surprised that this was a possibility.

"Apparently, she hit her head when she passed out. Probably on the toilet bowl. Nasty bump and bruise on her forehead near the hairline." The doctor explained.

"I didn't realize that she had done that...okay...uh...gastrointestinal disorders? Like what?" Elliot did not like the sound of it and he frowned as he asked the question.

"Ulcers, mainly...that would account for the blood in her vomit...and...uh...various cancers..." The doctor spoke softly, kindly.

Elliot's throat was so dry he could barely swallow and he felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He managed to keep his fear hidden, though it roiled within him, just below the surface. Cancer? He had to make himself breathe. He rubbed his hands up and down his thighs, trying to wipe the perspiration from them. He nodded. "Can I see her?"

"Yes. She has been asking for you." He smiled and led Elliot to another small room down the hall. The doctor left him at Olivia's door.

Slowly he pushed the door open. She was sitting in a semi-reclining position with her eyes closed and he stood there a moment, just looking at her. She had on a hospital gown with some type of small pattern on it. Her dark hair was mussed and her normal olive complexion was nearly as white as the sheets she lay on. Her full lips were slightly parted and wiped clean of her ever present lip gloss. Someone must have washed her face because the smeared mascara was also gone. He could see the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. The IV dripped slow and steady as it ran into the tube inserted into her left arm. A heart monitor softly beeped and the blood pressure cuff on her right arm hissed as it released its air and numbers popped up on the screen. As though she sensed his presence, she opened her eyes, looking straight at him. She smiled. He remained rooted to his spot on the floor. She motioned for him to come to her. He walked over to the bed and took her hand.

"You scared the crap out of me, Benson." He gave her his trademark smirk.

"Sorry...at least I got you out of work, right Stabler?" She squeezed his hand and the look between them became serious.

"Liv, I...if you...you know that I..." He was desperately trying to find the words to say, without upsetting her.

She cut him off, by moving her hand to his lips. "Elliot, don't. Just...just don't. We both know what you were going to say. That's all we need to know. It will only hurt to say it out loud. Okay." Her voice was sad, her smile sadder. She knew he wanted to say the words she had seen in it his eyes yesterday morning.

He took her hand in his and kissed her finger tips. Not being able to bear such intimate contact, she pulled away, just as someone else entered the room. It was not soon enough for him to miss what had happened. He was smart enough not to bring attention to it right now, though he did give Elliot a menacing glare.

"Hey, baby. I came as soon as Ches called me." He eyed Elliot warily and then smiled at Olivia. Elliot was going to have a word or two with that Dr. Bonsall. Pierce came to the opposite side of her bed from Elliot, kissed her on the lips and hugged her. She looked at Elliot over Pierce's shoulder and knew she saw a flash of hurt and thought she saw something else. Jealousy. Taking her hand in his, Pierce continued. "I wanted you to see a doctor, but not this way." He smiled. She attempted to return the smile. Elliot was sick to his stomach again.

"Well...I'm gonna head on..." Elliot was fidgeting, trying to think of something to say.

"El, don't go..." Her big brown eyes held pleading and something else...no...no way. Love? No way.

"Pierce is here...I'm sure he will take good care of you." He had to get out of that room before he put a fist to Pierce's face. "Kathy's waiting." Why in the world did he have to say that? Anything but that. No. He wanted to hurt her like it hurt him to see Pierce by her side.

His last look at Olivia told him he succeeded. She looked like she felt like he had moments ago...like someone had just punched her in the stomach.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence **

**Wednesday, January 9, 9:30 p.m.**

Elliot pulled into his driveway about 9:30 that night. He sat in the car until his hands and feet were tingling with cold and his teeth were beginning to chatter. Just after 10:00, he opened the front door and let himself into the house. The aroma of dinner hung in the air...lasagna maybe...and his stomach rumbled as the smell registered in his brain. He hung his coat on the hooks by the door. He un-clipped his badge and gun and put it in the lock box. He stepped into the kitchen thinking he would see if there was any leftover food. Just as he opened the refrigerator, Kathy's voice filled the room, causing him to turn quickly.

"There's a plate for you in the oven. I knew you probably wouldn't eat earlier." Dressed for bed, she leaned against the entrance between the kitchen and living room.

"Uh...great...thanks." He glanced at her, then went to the oven, took the plate out and put it in the microwave above the stove.

"So...how is she?" She looked at him but kept looking at the floor, not holding his gaze.

"Okay...they are running some tests. Keeping her overnight." He did not want to discuss Liv's health with Kathy.

"You the only one that stayed?" She was fishing for information about him and Olivia.

"No...the whole gang was there." The beep from the microwave signaled that his meal was warmed. He removed it and put it on the table.

"Gang? You mean your first family, don't you." Sarcasm rang from each word she spoke.

He rolled his eyes. "Kathy...can we please not do this, right now? I'm exhausted and it's been a really stressful evening..." He ran his hands over his head and face, as a loud sigh escaped from his mouth.

"Well, at least you're home now...I really am surprised you aren't with Olivia since she has to stay overnight." She admitted.

"Kathy...don't..." He didn't like where this was heading. He didn't tell her that was exactly what he planned to do until Pierce Kent came on the scene. He sat down, elbows propped on the table and picked up his fork.

"So, who stayed with her? I know you would never have left her alone." Her eyes were burning a hole in him now.

"Some...some guy she's been seeing..." He looked past her into the living room. He hated himself for telling her this.

Her eyes narrowed and she snorted. "I knew you would not leave her alone." She stared hard at him. "You don't know how to leave her alone, do you, El? Even if she has a boyfriend." Her voice held, not the anger he expected, but instead, resignation.

Before he could reply, she was gone. He heard her footsteps on the stairs as she went to the bedroom, followed by the sound of the door quietly closing behind her. He would be on the couch tonight. That was fine with him. His appetite gone, he pushed the plate away, crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Friday, January 18, 9:07 p.m.**

Olivia leaned her head on Pierce's shoulder. It felt so good to relax and just be held. She really liked Pierce and they always had a good time together. They had been together over six weeks now and he had recently hinted that he would like to take their relationship to the next level. She was not ready. She was not sure she would ever be ready because she doubted she would ever get over the man who had broken her heart. Perhaps with time. A lot of time. But not now. She told him she wanted to take things slow. She could tell he was disappointed but, he covered it well and seemed to accept her desire. Besides, they still had a few issues to work out, if they were to stay together.

"Are you feeling better?" Pierce asked, softly massaging her temples.

"Hmmm...always feel fine with you doing that..." She melted into him, relaxing under his deft fingers.

She had another headache today. The last few were worse than the others and she was beginning to think she should see another doctor. It has been nearly three weeks since she first started getting them. She had spent a whole night and day in the hospital, since passing out at work last Wednesday and all the tests revealed nothing. The four days she was away from work, she had started to feel a lot better and was even able to catch with Elliot over the weekend. Then Monday, she had gotten sick again after lunch. She and Casey had gotten salads from Bert's. Casey was fine, so it couldn't be what she had eaten. The headaches came back and she had thrown up twice this week in conjunction with them. She wasn't sure if the headaches caused the nausea or if it was just another symptom of whatever was going on with her. Something was going on, no matter what those tests said.

They were having a quiet Friday evening at her apartment eating pizza and watching a movie when Elliot called. She hated that they were interrupted but there was nothing she could do about it. She had to answer her cell phone.

"Hey, El." Looking at Pierce as she answered, she gave him a sad look and mouthed 'sorry'. She listened for a couple of minutes, running her fingers through Pierce's short hair, kissing him on the chin.

"Okay, meet you downstairs in ten." Closing the phone, she looked up at Pierce. "I'm sorry but we got a call. I have to go." She leaned up to kiss him, but he turned his head. She winced at his rejection. She knew he was upset and she tried to let it go. She pushed herself off the couch and turned, smiling at him as she extended her hand to pull him up. He ignored it.

He did not move and he would not look at her. "Why can't someone else take care of it? Thought you traded off on who is on call? You and Elliot were on call last weekend!" His voice was raised. She had never heard him like this.

"Yes. No. I mean, yes. Munch and Fin were catching tonight...they are the on call detectives. But this is an open case that Elliot and I are working, so, we have to catch this one. I'm...I'm sorry." She knew her explanation did little to placate him.

"Why? Why does it matter who gets it?" He was now standing in front of her, his eyes flashing with anger.

"The main suspect is out on bond and is harassing the victim who just happens to be his ten year old daughter. I promised her he would not bother her again. I want to be there for her, Pierce." Her eyes begged him to understand.

"What about being here for me?" He asked, now quiet in his dejection, as his hand cupped her face.

She placed her hand over his and intertwined their fingers. "That's not fair, Pierce. You know I want to be with you. Listen, you could stay...if you want. Finish the movie. Hang out for a bit. Maybe it won't take long." She suggested, though she knew it was ridiculous to even think it.

"Like it didn't take long last Saturday? You said you didn't get in until 7:30 in the morning, Olivia. And you were exhausted! I'm a little tired of playing second...of being an afterthought, if you have time. You know...at some point you are going to have to make a choice." His anger was once again very apparent.

"Excuse me? Make a choice? A choice between what?" Now she felt the anger descending upon her. She dropped his hand and took a step back from him.

"Between being with me and the job!" He hollered. "Or don't you want to be with me?"

"Pierce, this has nothing to do with wanting to be with you! I have a job. I need my job to be able to eat, have a place to live. I love my job. It just happens that it does not have regular hours and there is nothing I can do about it!" Anger was evident in her voice and manner as she paced the living room.

"Yes, there is. You could transfer back to Computer Crimes." His voice was quieter now as he looked at her pleadingly, and stopped her, pulling her to him.

Backing away from him, she shook her head back and forth. "No. No, I can't. SVU is my life."

He locked eyes with her, deciding whether or not to say what was on his mind. He put it all out there. "You sure it's SVU that's your life!" His voice was raised again.

"What are you talking about?" Her voice matched his in loudness and anger.

"You sure it's not more that Stabler is your life?" He was nearly hollering again.

Now the fury rose up within her as she took a step closer to him. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me. You think I haven't heard those rumors about the two of you? You think I don't know that is why you transferred to Computer Crimes? And went to Oregon? I saw him that night at the hospital, Olivia. When I came into your room, he was kissing your fingers! Tell me that is just what partners do!" He was extremely upset and extremely loud.

"Pierce, Elliot and I have been partners for almost nine years. He was worried about..." She knew she had to find a way to quell his suspicions.

"No. That was way more than worry. Is that why his wife left him? The two of you were getting it on?" His voice was loud and accusatory.

She bit her lower lip, look down at the floor and shook her head. Slowly, she looked at him again, her brown eyes, black, smoldering with anger ready to burst into full fire. "Get out!" She opened the door, holding onto the handle. "Get out, Pierce!"

He paused, standing right in front of her. "What's the matter, Liv? Little too close to the truth?" He said sarcastically, as he picked up his coat and walked to the door.

The sound of her hand as it met the bare skin of his cheek split the silence of her apartment. His reaction was to pull her to him and kiss her. She shoved him away and slapped him a second time, stretching to her full height, as if daring him to try anything else. He rubbed his hand over his cheek and their eyes battled for a long moment. "Have a good evening, Olivia." He spun on his heels and left.

She slammed and locked the door. She had just enough time to change out of her sweats and put jeans and a shirt and sweater on, step into some boots and grab her coat to go meet Elliot. She was out the door just minutes after Pierce. And she was in one foul mood.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The familiar brown car was at the curb in front of her building when she came down. As she approached, the passenger door swung open and Elliot leaned over to see her.

"I was just getting ready to call you again, when I saw your buddy leave. Figured you'd be right behind him."

She just nodded and slipped into the seat, fastening her belt, looking straight ahead. "So, Stanford is out? Ten to one says his parents came up with the bond money. And what the heck are they doing with Ariel?" The anger was written all over her face.

"Your friend looked a bit upset. Everything okay?" He watched her face but she kept it remarkable blank. Probably mastered that over the last year with the way he had been treating her. Still, he knew she was troubled over whatever had happened.

"His name is Pierce, not buddy and not friend! And everything is fine!" Irritation was key in her voice and mannerism, as she rolled her eyes.

"Bad night, huh? Sorry." He didn't know why he said that because he was not sorry. He was glad this interrupted her date and took her away from her buddy, friend or whatever.

"Yea. Don't be." Her response was terse and such that she made it clear she was not in the mood to chit-chat. She looked out the passenger window and did not speak again until the were at the Stanford house.

He could see her out of the corner of his eye and every now and then, he got up the nerve to actually look at her. She was wearing jeans and a brown sweater with a tan top of some sort under it. She had on the big puffy down coat she wore when it was really cold outside. She was like a stone statue, looking out the window. He knew she was thinking of something else and seeing that in her mind, not the passing city blocks. He assumed she and her Pierce had fought about her having to leave to catch this call. He assumed it because he still lived it as well. Kathy, after all these years at SVU, still gave him grief every time he got a call and had to leave or miss some important family function. He wished Liv would talk to him about it, like she used to talk to him about her dates. No. No, he was not at all sure he could handle knowing about her dates now. He was distressed enough now, knowing what little he did.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Hey, thanks for the reviews...they make me want to write more...I have several chapters that I am fine tuning. Tell me what you think so far...not real sure where I am going with this... " ) Bensler_


	4. Despair

**Chapter 4 - Despair**

**Stanford Residence**

**Friday, January 18, 9:44 p.m.**

The upper middle class Stanford home was in an uproar, inside and out. There were two regular squad cars there and the four officers that belonged to the cars. One officer was trying to control a group of neighbors that gathered on the sidewalk and road in front of the house. Shouting could be heard from within the home.

Olivia and Elliot flashed their badges as they went past the officer on the front porch. Stepping inside the home, they saw one officer trying to hold Marty Stanford back while he was angrily shouting at the other officer, a female, who was trying to talk to the senior Stanfords. Beyond them was another man, who appeared to be in his early to mid twenties.

"Okay, okay. I'm Detective Stabler and this is my partner, Detective Benson. Let's everybody calm down." Elliot shouted louder than the rest of the group, as he flashed his badge.

He turned to Olivia to motion toward Ariel, but she was already kneeling in front of the terrified young girl and who had her arms wrapped tightly around Olivia.

"Officer...uh...Jarrell. Please cuff Mr. Stanford." Elliot would feel much better knowing he would not be able to start a physical altercation while they sorted this out.

Walking over to Mrs. Stanford who was standing with her husband, Elliot motioned for them to sit down on the couch. Taking a seat across from them in a recliner, he began questioning them.

"Mr. Stanford, Mrs. Stanford." He nodded at them. "I'm sure you are aware that there is a restraining order against your son requiring him to stay at least 300 feet away from Ariel."

"But he hasn't done anything." Mrs. Stanford whined.

"That will be up to a jury to decide, but for now the restraining order is legal and binding." He spoke through clenched teeth.

He had to work at modulating his voice because he really wanted to let loose on these people. He could not understand why they would take a chance on their granddaughter being sexually abused, even if the accused was their son.

She started crying and her husband hugged her tight. Elliot gave her a minute to compose herself before he continued. While waiting, he looked around but did not see Liv or Ariel. He turned back to the Stanfords.

"Mrs. Stanford, how is it you have Ariel? She was placed with a foster family by ACS. She should not be here." He was firm, yet professional, though he really wanted to take the woman and shake her and ask where she was when they handed out common sense.

"The family she was with...the Conners...Emmie is a good friend and I begged her to just let us see Ariel for a little bit. Please don't be mad at her...it was my fault." She was crying again and wiping her nose and eyes.

"We just wanted to see if we could talk some sense into her..." Mr. Stanford, Sr. said, hugging his wife to him again.

"Look, Mr. Stanford, you can't just..." He was cut off by the angry voice of his partner as she came up beside him as he sat in the chair.

After reassuring Ariel, Olivia had the female officer take her outside to one of the squad cars to wait for ACS to arrive. She had come back into the house just in time to hear Elliot ask how they came to have Ariel with them. Now, she was about to jump into the middle of the questioning and she was absolutely livid over everything that had transpired.

"You mean you wanted to scare a defenseless little girl into recanting her story about the devastating things her father, your son, did to her!" She was in a bona fide rage. A rarity for Olivia. "What kind of people are you? I'll tell you! You are sorry, no good..." She was glaring at him, her clenching and unclenching her fists, as she closed the distance between them. Mrs. Stanford cowered behind her husband.

Elliot stood, taking her by the shoulders, blocking her from getting too close."Detective, Benson." He warned. "Detective, call ACS and take care of Ariel." He commanded, his voice was low and full of warning.

"They are already on the way and Ariel is with Officer Lee, Detective Stabler." His title and name were laced with venom and she very nearly spewed them out of her mouth.

Her breathing was rapid and she was shaking slightly. He knew she was furious and that only part of it had to do with the situation at hand. She was still bridling over whatever happened between her and Pierce earlier.

He could hear her rough, ragged breathing, felt it upon his cheek, he was so close to her. What he wouldn't give to be in this position under totally different circumstances.

Pulling her even closer, he whispered in her ear. "Then you need to take a deep breath and settle down." He felt her tense and try to pull away. He gripped her tighter. "You hear me, Liv? Don't screw this up. That's an order. You hear me?" His voice was firm. He could smell the slight fragrance of her shampoo as it mixed with her cologne. She smelled wonderful.

She pulled away, even more furious that he had pulled rank on her, ordering her to calm down. But, even so, she had visibly settled down and Elliot was satisfied enough to release her. She was now about ten feet away from them.

"Mrs. Stanford, Mr. Stanford, if you have, in anyway, attempted to get Ariel to change her story, you will be arrested and charged with tampering with a witness. I hope that is not the case." Elliot was looking back and forth between the two elder Stanfords.

"What! You can't arrest my parents! They have done nothing wrong!" Marty Stanford was screaming from the other side of the room.

Olivia walked up to him and glared at him. "Tampering with or badgering a witness happens to be a felony and if that is what they did, then you better believe they will be arrested and I'll nail their butts to the wall right next to yours!"

"You think you are something, don't you, Detective Benson? You like hiding behind that badge. Gives you some kind of special rights, huh? Giving orders, shoving people around, taking their kids away! Women like you just want to be one of the boys. One of these days I'm going to find you without that badge and I'll show you a thing or two!" Marty screamed at her.

"Did I hear you just threaten an officer of the law? Bad move, Marty!" Her lips were curled in a smirk and she was in his face, not the least bit intimidated by him.

"When I find you, Detective Benson, I'll show you some bad moves that'll have you screaming for more!" He did not back down from her either. His eyes were cold, hard and cruel.

"Is that what you did to Ariel? Your daughter? You show her some of those moves, Marty? Huh?" She shoved him a little. "What kind of sicko are you? And you think a normal woman would be interested in something as despicable as you? " She laughed in his face.

Walking over to her, Elliot warned her again. "Detective, back off." His voice was low and had an edge to it. He wanted her to stop.

"You took my daughters away. I lost my wife! And now you took my daughters away! It was your testimony that took them away!! You can't do that to me and get away with it! You can't!! I love them!! I need them!! I'll kill you for this you, b..." He was still screaming as the officer holding him led him out the door.

Elliot wrapped his hand around her right upper arm , pulling her away. She jerked out of his grip, took a step back, then turned, glared at Elliot and stormed out of the house. The last thing she heard was Marty saying he would kill her.

ACS arrived and Olivia spoke with them, making sure that Ariel would be safe for the night. They were going to pick up Allison from the Connors and the girls would be back at the ACS facility until they could be placed with another family. They assured Olivia that they would take care of the Connors. Olivia and Elliot would speak with them tomorrow to determine if they would bring formal charges against them as well.

Marty Stanford was on the way to jail for violating the restraining order that had been placed on him when he posted bond. His parents were taken in the second vehicle to the precinct where they would be booked and processed and allowed to return home as soon as that was done. The younger man who was in the home was their son, Mitchell Stanford, and he was following behind in their car to bring them home later. As far as Elliot could tell from the line of questioning the uniformed officers had presented, he had just come in from being out with friends and had no knowledge of what had been going on with Ariel. When Mitchell Stanford followed his parents out of the house, he had his head down, but he glanced at Olivia just as she looked over at him. In her anger, she did not really even see him.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Police Cruiser Outside of Stanford Residence**

**Friday, January 18, 10:40 p.m.**

"We already have their statements. Just gonna be processed tonight...so there's really no need for us to go by the station. I'll drop you at home...unless..." Words failed him, because he knew what her answer would be, so why bother to ask.

"Unless...?" She said, annoyed with him, with the Stanfords, with Pierce, with her whole stinking life in general.

"Unless you want to grab a beer or something to eat..." He said hesitantly.

"Do I have a choice, Detective Stabler?" She asked him, her annoyance with him unmistakable.

What's with the 'Detective Stabler', he wondered. "Sure you have a choice...what do you mean? " He asked her, puzzled that she would think otherwise.

"If I say no, are you going to pull rank on me again, and make me go?" She knew she was being a smart aleck but he had to know that really insulted, as well as, infuriated her.

Now, he understood. He rolled his eyes. "Liv...look...how many times in almost nine years have I done that? Huh? I'm sorry...you were on the edge and I need to get your attention...I...I..." He raised his eyebrows at her, giving her a small smile.

"What the heck...let's go." She remarked flippantly. Truthfully, she could not remember him ever doing that to her, because it used to be he was the one in a rage while she was the one trying calm him down.

Elliot drove the cruiser back to the precinct and parked it in the garage. Since they planned to drink, they would catch cabs to their perspective homes or just stay in the crib at the station. He and Olivia headed for O'Reilly's. He was not sure what possessed him to ask her to go for a drink. Maybe he thought she would listen as he talked. Maybe he thought she would talk. So, far she had not said a word since she said she would go. He was not sure why she had agreed to come. Maybe he asked her because that was what they used to do on nights like this. Go for drinks. But that was back when they were friends. He was not sure what they were now. He was not sure they were anything other than co-workers.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**O'Reilly's Bar **

**Friday, January 18, 11:02 p.m.**

They found a booth toward the front of the diner. Olivia took off her coat and sat down while Elliot went to get them a pitcher of beer. She watched him walking away. He had on tight blue jeans, a white long-sleeved t-shirt and a heavily lined jean jacket. She loved how he walked. Like he owned the world. He did. Her world, anyway. She told herself to think of something else. He came back and set the pitcher on the table, took off his jacket and laid it on the booth beside him. He took a mug, filled it up and pushed it toward her. Then he poured one for himself.

They sat for a long time in silence. In someways, it was like the comfortable silences of their past, when they were so in tune, so in sync with one another that words were unnecessary. But this silence was also tainted by things that happened to them this last year and half, by choices they had made or had been made for them when the choice was taken away. It was tainted by the words and feelings between them, both spoken and unspoken, yet known fully to each of them.

"So...this is...uh..." It had been so long since they had done this...just been together. He did not know what to say. Or if he should say anything. He lifted the mug and drank half of it before placing it back on the table. "This is..."

"Strange." She sipped her beer, closed her eyes and leaned back on the wooden seat.

"Yea...that covers it." He smiled, nodding his head in agreement. "Surprised you didn't say 'complicated'. He smiled.

She opened her eyes and laughed. "I think we already know that, right?"

He nodded his head. "Right."

Closing her eyes again, she spoke softly. "I miss doing this...being with you...I miss you." A lone tear slid down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away.

To say he was shocked at her admission would not begin to describe how he felt as her words gripped his heart. He reached over and covered her hand with his. "I miss you, too, Liv." She opened her eyes and pulled her hand away.

"What happened to us, El?" Her brown eyes searched his dark blue ones as though she could find the answer in them. There was a time when she could find everything she needed there. In his eyes.

"I...I don't know, Liv...lots of things...things I would do differently, if I had the chance...things I would say...I'd tell you..." He did not get to finish before he was interrupted.

"Well, what do you know! Benson and Stabler! Or is it Kent and Stabler now?" The man joked and he and the woman with him laughed.

Elliot was not amused. Olivia looked up to see Barry Miller and Brie Harland from CCSU. They worked with Pierce and the four of them had double-dated several times.

She glanced at Elliot, knowing immediately that he was not pleased. He looked at her, plastered a smile on his face and stood up. Before she could offer introductions, Elliot took over.

"You seem to know me already...you are...?" He extended his hand to Barry.

"Barry Miller...and...uh...this is my girlfriend, Brie Harland. We work with Pierce in Computer Crimes." He explained.

Brie shook his hand, too. "Nice to finally meet you...Elliot, right?" She was a red head and very pretty.

Finally? What did that mean? Elliot looked at her, then Barry and then at Liv with the fake smile still plastered to his face. How do they know him but he has never even heard their names before, he wondered? His confusion was must have shown, because Barry continued on with his explanation.

"We worked with Liv, too, while she was in computers. We...uh...Brie, Liv and Pierce and me get together from time to time.

"So, what was with the 'Kent and Stabler'? Some kind of inside joke?" Elliot asked, fake smile still doing its job.

"Just messing with Liv...she and Pierce have been dating for six or seven weeks now and he never stays with a woman that long, so he's got to be serious...anyway, I was just joking around." Barry smiled.

Liv was about to die of embarrassment and she knew she must be blushing like mad because she could feel the heat in her face. She tried to smile, but was not having much success and she could not get a word in edgewise.

"Oh.. Okay." Six or seven weeks? She has been dating him six or seven weeks and he just found out a week and a half ago? "So, you guys want to join us." He could see Liv telling him 'no' with her eyes, but he refused to listen to her. He had learned more from them in two minutes than he had from Liv in two months.

"Oh, no...we are actually heading out. Brie saw Liv and we wanted to come by and say hello. Good to meet you, Elliot. And Liv, I guess we will see you next weekend at the cabin. Bye." Barry told them. They all said goodbye and Liv and Elliot were alone, once again.

She could not hold Elliot's gaze. He, on the other hand, did not let his eyes leave her. He was angry and he did not have a clue as to why. Is he kidding? Yes, he did and he could sum it up in one word. A word that should not even be in his vocabulary when it comes to Olivia Benson or any other woman besides his wife. Jealousy. He was jealous.

"So, you guys are pretty serious, huh?" It took every ounce of strength for him to say that with no hint of anger.

"Barry likes to talk...and he..." She looked at him, but then quickly looked away, shrugging.

"Seemed to know a good bit to me...six or seven weeks you been seeing him. You never mentioned him to me...I never knew you were dating anyone until a week and half ago...and I never even knew his name until Saturday at the hospital. Why didn't you tell me?" He spoke quietly, no longer looking at her, but at the table.

Olivia knew he was hurt but instead of it making her feel bad, it make her angry. Why would he be hurt over her dating someone, anyone, for six or seven weeks, six or seven months or six or seven years, for that matter?

"Why would I tell you, Elliot? Why would I tell you anything? Why would I think I could? It's not like we talk anymore. Heck, it's not like we're even friends, anymore!" Because she was angry, she was also loud and people from other tables looked their way. Not that she cared.

"We're not friends? That how you feel, Olivia? Is it?" His voice was low and on the verge of cracking. He felt sick to his stomach.

"Yes...I mean, no...Elliot, I don't know what we are...but no...right now I don't think we could call ourselves friends." Her eyes were pooling with tears and she was biting on her bottom lip.

"How can you say that?" He was struggling to keep tears from coming to his own eyes.

"Elliot...ever since...when you...after...never mind." She shook her head. "You know, what...I'm really tired...I have had a headache all day and this will get us nowhere...so I'm just going to go home. I'll see you in the morning to work on the reports from tonight." She started to slide out of the booth.

He jumped up and over to her side, sitting and blocking her escape before she had time to process what he was doing. "No. I want you to say what you started to say." He looked deeply into her eyes.

"Elliot..." She closed her eyes and tilted her head back before bringing her gaze back to him.

"Please. I want...I need to hear what you have to say." His eyes begged her to tell him. She thought he should already know. After all, he was the one that ran away this time.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. She could not look at him, so she played with the condensation from the pitcher. "Ever since...you...you told me Kathy was pregnant, you have shut me out, just...just like you did when she left you. And since you have been back home, it's like...like I don't even exist as far as you are concerned...like you don't even care about me anymore, El...you certainly don't care what happens to me..." She knew he would argue.

"Olivia, that is not true. That is not at all true and you know it." He stated this as if she should know after eight and half years, that he did care...much more than he should. She was everything to him.

"And how can I know it, Elliot? By your concern over the bomb that had my name on it? You never said a word to me about it...I know I wasn't in the squad room when it exploded, but, it was meant for me...to kill...kill me...and you never said a word. Not one word." Her voice was barely a whisper as the tears slipped quietly down her face. He reached out to wipe them and she swatted his hand away. "Don't you touch me." She growled at him.

He jerked his hands back, looking at her like he did not know her. Maybe he didn't anymore. "Liv..." The words stuck in his throat, the guilt suffocating him. His eyes mirrored the hurt in hers.

"Should I have somehow known you still cared after I was attacked in my own home, slashed with a knife from my elbow to my wrist and all you could say was that I sure beat the crap out of the perp? He could have killed me, Elliot...that was his intention. And you didn't even care enough to look at my cut or ask anything about how I was. Or maybe, maybe I should have known how much you care after the car accident by the way you ran right by me, brushing me off without so much as 'are you okay' or 'are you hurt' or even a 'thank you' in the hospital after the accident where I looked after your wife and son...yes, I should have seen all your concern and care then. Maybe I did.

And when Lauren Cooper put that gun to her head and pulled the trigger right in front of me...you weren't there. I know that was not your fault, but, I needed you so badly and you weren't there! And then when I did see you, you didn't even push me to talk, make me face the demons, like you used to when you cared about me. Do you have any idea how helpless, how hopeless it is to watch someone commit suicide? Do you know what is like to then be devastated all over again because the one person you knew you could always count is not there for you anymore? You tell me, Elliot. How should I know? How should I know you care? You shut me out, ignore me...you're the one who ran away this time. You ran away back to Kathy." Now, she was crying so hard she was on the verge of sobbing.

Her tears were ripping his heart to pieces. He could not say anything, because the lump in his throat was bigger than any he had ever felt and he was afraid if he opened his mouth to speak, there would be no words, only sobs. Neither could he move. He was barely able to breathe. How could he claim to know her so well and yet not have realized his actions, or lack of them, would cause her such despair? Such pain? Could he ever hope that she could or would forgive him? How could he make it up to her? Or was it even possible? The guilt that filled him was nearly unbearable, but even more unbearable was that he had hurt her so deeply. Is that what he had done? Run away from her, back to Kathy?

"Let me out." She pushed him out of the booth, and in his shock, he let her go. When she was almost to the door, he came to his senses and ran to catch her.

"Liv! Olivia! Wait!! Please, wait!" He called after her, but she did not slow down.

She was halfway into a waiting cab, when he caught her by the arm and pulled her out. "Liv, please. Don't go like this...we have to talk, please. I need to talk to you." He was on the edge of desperation.

She shook her head back and forth. "Not tonight, Elliot. It has been a bad night, I have had one of those headaches all day and I really am not up to this right now, okay?" She sounded resigned to whatever he decided.

She was so beautiful and he lo...he cared about her so much, it hurt. "Promise me we'll talk about this later?" He held her close to him and whispered in her ear.

She nodded and he kissed her on the top of her head and let her go.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Bert's Diner**

**Saturday, January 19, 8:30 a.m.**

Saturday morning, Liv, went by Bert's before heading to work. She was not at all hungry, but after the stint in the hospital she was forcing herself to at least drink something. She had thrown up again last night after leaving Elliot. She wasn't sure if it was from the ongoing problems she was having or because she was so distraught over the discussion they had. She ordered a juice...figuring that would be her breakfast...and hot tea. She debated getting a coffee for Elliot, but decided against it, since she was still upset over last night. She did not sleep well and was exhausted. The young man that waited on her this morning was pleasant though not very talkative and something about him seemed familiar. His name tag read 'Stan'. She smiled at him and told him to have a good day as she paid for her drinks. She decided to drink her juice in the diner, avoiding Elliot for just a few more minutes.

He could not believe he had been called in on a Saturday morning and she had come in! She worked mostly during the week, so this was an added bonus. She actually spoke to him today. He had never been close enough to her to speak before, not that he wanted to speak to her. And she smiled at him, too. He knew he had never seen a more lovely smile. She was so beautiful. She ordered two drinks for herself. That gave him the chance to give her more than the usual extra he always gave her. He knew they were both for her, because she told him to make the tea to go - and he knew she always drank tea - but the juice, she said was for here. He watched her sit down at a booth and sip on the juice. Her long legs crossed over under the table and he could see the silver buckle on her left boot. She wore dark blue jeans, a bright blue long sleeved t-shirt that was pretty tight and a jean jacket that was a little darker than her jeans. For the first time, he noticed her watch. It was a man's watch. Why would such a gorgeous woman wear a man's watch? He figured it must be her boyfriend's. She finished her juice and left.

- - - - - - - - - - --

**SVU Squad Room **

**Saturday, January 19, 8:50 a.m.**

Elliot was already at his desk when Liv came in. After last night she had no idea what to say to him or how to act around him. She had known for a long time that she had unresolved issues with him, she loved him, pure and simple, but she could not have him. Until last night, she thought he had quit caring about her, but now she knew he apparently had the same unresolved issues with her that she had with him. If she was not careful, she would end up where she was almost two years ago. In love with a married man, with no personal life of her own. Who was she kidding? She was still in love with a married man. She just happened to have a boyfriend at the moment...well, she was not exactly sure of that right now. But she needed to concentrate on Pierce, if he still wanted her, and put Elliot aside like she had been doing for almost a year. Well, trying to do.

"Good morning, Liv." Elliot smiled at her as she pulled out her chair.

"Morning." She attempted a smile and keyed her ID and password into the computer.

"I've got most of the paperwork filled out on the Stanford deal last night. All I really need from you is whatever transpired between you and ACS and Ariel. Shouldn't take too long, and we can get out of here way before noon." He was looking at her and smiling.

"Sounds good." She smiled back but looked away quickly. He had not shaved and the dark shadow of his beard made him look dangerously handsome.

"You okay?" He knew when something was not right.

"Yea...just have another headache...I threw up again after I got home last night." She shrugged.

"Liv...you have got to see another doctor. Something is not right." The worried look on his face made her heart jump.

"I know...I'll call someone on Monday." Nodding, she smile a closed lip smile and turned to her work.

"Promise?" He looked like a lost puppy dog with those big, baby blue eyes staring at her.

She snorted. "Promise."

Elliot had wanted to continue their conversation from the night before. She did not want to because she was feeling really bad again and she really did not want to have that conversation with Elliot. Ever. He kept insisting and she was about to agree that they could catch lunch somewhere, when Maureen dropped by and asked him to lunch. As bad as he might have wanted to talk to Liv, she knew his kids came first. So, she owed Maureen whether Maureen knew it or not.

As the morning had progressed, she began feeling worse and worse. She just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. First thing Monday morning she was going to call and get an appointment with someone. She had hoped Pierce would call, but kind of doubted he would, at least not this soon. He tended to leave her to stew for a few days after they had a fight. She supposed that was okay this time because she was really feeling bad. Maureen and Elliot left around 12:00 and she packaged up their reports and put them on Cragen's desk. She straightened up around her desk and left about 12:15.

**Benson Residence **

**Saturday, January 19, 12:35 p.m.**

Twenty minutes later she was at home, brewing some tea. Maybe that would help settle her stomach. She had used up all the prescription medication Dr. Bonsall had given her for nausea. Sitting on her sofa watching TV, she sipped on the tea. It did not help. Her head was killing her. She went into the kitchen and found some Aleve. The Tylenol didn't work. Maybe this would be better. She took two, the maximum dosage. She decided to take a hot shower and go to bed. The shower felt good, but she kept it really short, because the longer she stood up the more nauseated she felt. She was also beginning to feel really shaky like she had that day she ended up in the hospital. She dried off and pulled on a pair of gray sweat pants and a long-sleeved yellow t-shirt. She did not even bother to dry her hair before burrowing underneath the blankets on her bed.

Three hours later she woke up, her clothing and bedding drenched from the clammy sweat pouring from her body. Her head felt like someone had it in a vice grip. The room was spinning. She had severe abdominal pains that made it nearly impossible to stretch out. Her stomach was knotted up and churning and she knew she had to vomit, but was afraid she would not make it to the bathroom. Reaching for her other pillow, she slowly removed it's case. She would try to hold that to her mouth in case she could not make it to the toilet. She knew she was not going to be able to stand, so, she slowly rolled off the bed onto her knees. Just that caused her to almost throw up. Her head was about to explode from the pain. She slowly eased herself to the floor and began dragging her body to the bathroom.

She actually made it to the toilet and let loose the contents of her stomach, which was basically tea and juice because she had not eaten anything today. But it was tinged with blood. As soon as she finished, she realized the diarrhea was back. She managed to take care of that and then throw up again. She needed help. She had never needed to call someone like this in all her years of living alone. But, she desperately needed to call someone now. She did not have a land line in the bedroom and she could not think of where she left her cell phone. She was shaking uncontrollably and was extremely dizzy. Her stomach had settled just a bit, but the cramping was still as bad as ever. Her head was bad, too. Suddenly, she remembered she did not unclip her badge, gun or cell from her jeans. They were in the hamper right here in the bathroom. How could she have forgotten to put all those things up? She was always very careful to put her gun and badge on her night stand. Always aware of her gun's location. She felt very confused. She ended up knocking over the hamper to get to her jeans.

There it was. The phone. The dizziness was about to overtake her. No. Please. Just one call. She thought she should just call for an ambulance, but she could not think of what to dial. She felt like a fog was spreading through her mind, hiding coherent thought processes within its haze. She flipped the phone open, but dropped it because her hands were shaking so hard. It skittered across the cold tile and came to rest by the tub. She managed to get to it and pick it up again. She knew she was about to give into the darkness lurking just below the surface. She was about to pass out. With shaking hands, she hit the only number that came to her mind...number one...she hit send and put the phone to her ear. She had to throw up again. She was sitting on the floor by the tub and simply turned around and let go in the bathtub. It looked to be pure blood. Even through the fog and confusion, the blood registered in her brain and a new wave of terror swept through her being. The phone was ringing. It was about to go to voice mail. No. Oh, please, no. Please answer. I need you to answer. Please.

"This is Detective Elliot Stabler, NYPD. If you have a true emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Otherwise, leave me a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks." Beep.

"El...uhhh...ahhh...need..." Her voice was nothing but a weak whisper. There was a very long pause because she was becoming extremely confused along with the dizziness that was reaching out to usher her into its dark corridors. "Need...you...uhhhh...h-help me..Ellll..." The edges of darkness swallowing her, she collapsed in the floor as the phone once again skittered loudly across the floor banging into the wall.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Yea, yea..._WHERE_ is Elliot when she needs him! This is getting to be a habit! You guys are great at reviewing and telling me what you think! Keep it up and I'll keep this up! " ) Bensler_

**Benslerfan:** _I just realized your screen name was a take on mine. How honored I am! " ) B_


	5. Diagnosis

**Chapter 5 - Diagnosis**

**Moretti's Ristorante **

**Saturday, January 19, 5:30 p.m.**

Elliot and Maureen had enjoyed a nice lunch together. If he was forced to say he had a favorite child, it would be Maureen. She had become more a friend to him during the separation than a daughter. She understood him and knew things about him that her mother just could not seem to get. She had really helped him come to terms with the impending divorce when they were separated. She was the mother hen of the group and sometimes he almost felt like she mothered him with her advice about relationships. Well, her advice about Olivia. She had realized early on that he and Olivia had strong relationship, a bond that defied all the other relationships in his life. She realized that the separation had complicated their relationship and in fact, when he was separated she had tried to get him to act on his feelings for Liv, but he never could. He was too afraid that he would screw up their friendship and partnership and that she did not feel for him like he did for her. Maureen tried to tell him she did, but he would not listen. And he managed to screw them up anyway.

During lunch, she had mentioned a movie she wanted to see, so he called the other kids and they all had gone to see it. That's where he was when Liv's phone call came. He thought he had turned the phone on vibrate but had accidentally turned the ringer completely off. After the movie, the kids clamored for pizza from Moretti's. Elliot ate there all the time, since it was one of Liv's favorites and the kids loved it, too, but were rarely in this part of NYC to eat there very often. They had placed their order and were sitting at a table talking, telling jokes and just having a good time. Elliot smiled looking around at his children. He was so proud of them. All of them. He decided to check his phone because he could not believe it had not rung one time in more than three hours. He saw he had a missed call from Liv so he went straight to his voice mail to listen to her message.

When he saw her number, he was immediately on alert because she had been ill, but he really thought they had just caught a case. Nothing could have prepared him for her message.

"El...uhhh...ahhh...need..." There was a very long pause where he heard nothing but mumbling and groaning and then her voice again in that same raspy whisper. "Need...you...uhhhh...h-help me...Ellll..." Then what sounded like a body falling on the floor and lot of noise and fairly loud bang or bam like something hitting wood.

His blood ran as cold as though someone had replaced it with water from the Arctic Ocean. The look on his face was one of sheer terror and it frightened the kids as well. Then he realized she had called nearly forty minutes ago. He was on the edge of losing any semblance of control. Forty minutes that could make the difference between life and death. Forty minutes!

"Maureen, I've...I've got to go...take care of this..!" He threw sixty dollars down on the table.

"Daddy, what is it?" The fear in her voice was palpable. Maureen was afraid for her father. He looked sick.

"Liv. It's Liv. I gotta go!" His voice was a low rasp. All color gone from his face, his eyes were wild, his breathing erratic, his chest heaving, but he stood there as though glued in place.

"Dad! I'll drive you!" She demanded, as she reached out and took his arm. She was afraid he would have heart attack and she could tell he was in no condition to drive.

"Kathleen, you guys stay and eat and I'll call as soon as I find out what's going on." Maureen told her sister. Kathleen had driven the twins into town so transportation was no problem.

By now Elliot was on the way out of the restaurant and on the cell phone with 911.

"This is Detective Elliot Stabler, NYPD badge number 6313. My partner, Olivia Benson, has been ill. I received a distress call from her," He looked at his watch. "...forty-three minutes ago. I am assuming she made the call from her home. She was on her cell phone. I need a bus at 1106 Lexington Avenue, apartment 3E. I am currently en route. My ETA is less than ten minutes."

Maureen pulled the car around and Elliot slid onto the seat while still explaining to 911 what he knew. Which was precious little. He was running his hands over his head and face. Maureen put the pedal to the floor and headed to Olivia's apartment. She wondered how he could so calmly state what he had and yet look so devastated.

"Dad, she'll be okay. Whatever it is, she'll be okay. Liv is strong." Maureen reached over and put her hand on her Dad's arm. At her gentle touch, Elliot burst into tears. He quickly wiped the tears away and sniffled.

She had only seen him cry once before and that was when the twins were born. She didn't know what to do to comfort her father. So, she did the only thing she could. She drove faster.

**Benson Residence**

**Saturday, January 19, 5:48 p.m.**

Maureen pulled the car up beside the parked cars a few cars down from the front of Olivia's building and parked. She wanted to leave room for the ambulance. Elliot was out and up the stoop before she even got out of the car. He had a key to her apartment but not the outside door. Liv had misplaced hers months ago and he had given it back to her. She never replaced it. He was hollering, banging on the door and ringing every bell on the pad. He could not get in without someone letting him in. Maureen was afraid he would bust right through the glass. Finally, the super answered and since he knew Elliot he buzzed them in. Maureen took off her winter scarf and used it to prop the door open. The sirens of the ambulance could be heard and they were pretty close.

She had to run to keep up with Elliot as he bounded the stairs three at a time. When she caught up with him, he had Olivia's spare key out, the one she gave him for emergencies, and was trying to get it in the keyhole, but he was shaking so bad he could not do it. She took the key from him, unlocked the deadbolt, the lock on the knob and opened the door. The safety latch was on and Elliot pulled back and rammed his shoulder against the door snatching the lock right out of the frame.

"Liv! Liv!" He hollered for her, glancing in the livingroom and kitchen as he ran through the apartment. He ran to her bedroom and saw a gray sweat pant clad leg from the bathroom doorway.

She was lying on her right side, her head on the floor between the tub and the toilet, resting on her right arm. Her left hand was palm down, near her face. Her right leg was pulled up toward her body, bent at the knee. The left one, the one he saw, was extended. He screamed her name. He saw the blood in the tub and thought he was going to go crazy. Fear attached it's icy fingers around his soul and heart and mind. "Olivia! Oh, my God, no! No!" He ran to her and scooped her into his arms. He felt a sense of deja vu. For just a second, he was suspended in time. He was back in that bus station, kneeling beside her after Gitano had sliced her neck, fearful that he was losing her. He felt that same fear laying siege to him now, engulfing his senses.

Running his hands over her head and through her hair, looking for bumps this time, he held her for just a second. Then his hand slid down to check her pulse. It was weak, but steady. Her clothes were drenched with perspiration, her yellow shirt stained darker from the dampness that had soaked into it. Her forehead, face and upper lip were beaded with it. Her face was not just pale, it was ashen, gray, devoid of even any hint of color. Even her lips seemed pale.

Maureen thought she was dead. But she could not bring herself to ask or say anything to her father. She had never seen him in such a state. She thought this must be what it looks like to watch someone lose their mind.

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, with Liv in his arms and he pulled her as close to him as he could and began to gently rock her. He covered her face with small kisses and stroked her hair and cheeks and whispered to her.

"Liv...oh, God...please...Liv...you're going to be alright...I've got you, baby...I've got you." He broke down and a sob escaped but he quickly composed himself. "Olivia...I'm here...I'm right here, baby...I've got you...you're going to be okay...you have to be okay, sweetheart...I couldn't...I couldn't...Liv...you gotta be okay!" Tears poured down his face, dripping onto hers as he kept rocking her.

When she heard what her father said, she wondered was he saying 'I couldn't...Liv...you gotta be okay!' calling her name to tell her she would be alright or did he say 'I couldn't...live' like he would not be able to carry on in life without her. Whatever he said or meant, Maureen knew she was witnessing something so private, so personal she had no right to be a part of it. She was watching her father, his heart stripped bare, his emotions shredded because someone he loved desperately was ill, possibly dying, as indescribable annihilation visited his soul. She was watching as her father's very being shattered before her eyes because the woman he was in love with may very well not survive whatever was happening to her. And when Maureen realized that, she knew, without doubt, that if Olivia Benson did not survive, neither would Elliot Stabler, her father.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Saturday, January 19, 5:55 p.m.**

"Hello...FDNY Emergency Medical Service..." A male voice shouted out into the apartment.

Maureen tore her eyes from the scene unfolding before her and ran to the living room. "In here. We're in here. Please hurry!"

He and two other EMTs followed her through the bedroom. One of the EMTs stayed in the bedroom with the gurney while the other two entered the bathroom.

"I'm Carl Ruzak...we are here to help...Sir...I'm going to have to ask you to step out. Give us room to work." Quiet authority sounded in his voice.

Gently, he took Olivia from Elliot and laid her carefully on the floor. The second EMT helped Elliot up and out of the bathroom.

"The call said she is an NYPD officer. What is her name?" EMT Ruzak asked as he began to assess Olivia

"Olivia...Olivia Benson. She's a detective. She's my Dad's partner." She motioned toward Elliot, who appeared to be in shock.

He patted Olivia's cheek several times. "Detective Benson? Can you hear me? Olivia?" He spoke to the technician with him. "She's unresponsive. Get a saline drip going, stat. Let's get some fluids in her."

"Heartbeat is steady, but slow. Breathing steady, but extremely shallow." The technician told him.

"Give her oxygen and .3 milligrams of epi." He turned back to Maureen and Elliot. "Can you tell me what seems to be the problem?"

"Dad?" Maureen looked at him but it was like he was not there. His eyes were blank, fixed on Olivia. He did not respond.

"All I know, is that she has been sick for a couple of weeks...headaches and vomiting...she was in the hospital...I think last week...and..."

"Which hospital?" Ruzak asked her.

"Uh...Mercy General..." She said, remembering her Mom telling how she thought Elliot was the one there.

"Joe, get a call into Mercy and see what they can tell you about Olivia Benson. Tell them we are bringing her in. ETA less than ten minutes."

He motioned for the third EMT to bring the gurney. Maureen pulled Elliot aside and led him to the bed to sit down. They lowered the gurney beside Olivia and lifted her to it. At that time a familiar strong voice filled the room.

"Elliot, what happened? I heard the call on the radio." Don Cragen was there and he looked very concerned. "Elliot?"

When he did not respond to his Captain, Maureen spoke up. "Captain Cragen...he hasn't said a word since the EMTs came in...I...I don't know what to do."

Cragen went over and hugged Maureen. "He'll be fine, Maureen. It's been a tough couple of weeks with Liv being sick, that's all."

"No...that's not all." She whispered to him. "He's in love with her."

Cragen was shocked at Maureen's statement. Well, not shocked. He knew Elliot loved Olivia and Olivia loved Elliot. Anyone that knew them or was around them and watched them interact for more than a few minutes knew it, sensed it. He just never expected to hear one of Elliot's daughters to say it so easily, so matter-of-fact about it.

He hugged Maureen again and went to Elliot. "Come on. I'll drive you to the hospital."

That snapped Elliot out of his shell. "No. No. I'm riding with Liv. I'm not leaving her. I can't leave her."

She was now strapped on the gurney and they were beginning to wheel her out. He went to her side, took her hand and went out with them.

"Do you need a ride?" Cragen asked Maureen. He wondered when she had changed from the gangly teenage girl to this beautiful young woman before him. She had Elliot's blue eyes.

"No, Sir. I have Dad's car. Can I follow you?" She was watching them take Olivia out.

"Sure. Come on." He took her elbow and led her out.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Mercy General Hospital ER **

**Saturday, January 19, 6:24 p.m.**

Casey, Munch, Fin and Lake were already at the hospital waiting, when they brought Olivia into the ER. Elliot would not let go of her hand. He insisted on being with her until he knew she was stabilized. EMT Ruzak nodded his head at the ER nurse and doctor and they let Elliot stay with her.

An hour and a half later, Elliot came into the waiting room. The group quickly gathered around him. He looked absolutely terrible. He was pale and there was no hiding the fact that he had been crying. His blue eyes seemed even bluer against the red rims that outlined them. Panic gripped the entire group as they feared the worst. No one could forth bring a single word.

He looked around at each person. He was chewing his lip. Finally, he took a deep breath and began speaking. "Dr. Bonsall is ordering more extensive testing than they did last week and putting a rush on the results. He said he needs to get to the bottom of this, because...because..." The lump in his throat is restricting his breathing and blocking any further words from leaving his mouth. Tears are pooling in his eyes and he angrily wipes them away, scrubbing his hand over his face.

Captain Cragen put a hand on Elliot's shoulder and Maureen went to him and put her arms around his waist. He took a deep breath and started again. "He needs to find out soon what is wrong because her kidneys are starting to fail."

There is a collective gasp at this news. Elliot completely lost control and smashed the wall behind him with his fist causing an hole to appear in the sheet rock and a picture to crash down, unbelievably without breaking. He took off running out the door. Everyone looked at each other in disbelief over Olivia's health crisis and Elliot's rage. Fin looked at Munch and turned to go after Elliot.

Cragen reached out and grabbed Fin's arm. "Let him go. He needs to be alone. He won't stay away long." His voice was quiet as he spoke. Fin nodded and went to sit down. Munch picked up the picture, moved the nail and hung the picture so it covered the evidence of Elliot's rage.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

It is now 10:45 p.m. and nearly four more hours have passed and the whole group is still waiting for word about Olivia. Elliot had been gone less than thirty minutes before he returned to the ER waiting room. He told Maureen he had gone to the chapel.

There was very little talking between the group. Casey had fallen asleep across three chairs and Fin was dozing as well. Cragen, Maureen and Lake talked a bit. Munch was reading Newsweek. Elliot just sat there and stared into space.

The door opened and Dr. Bonsall walked in and came toward Elliot. Elliot had told him everyone was from the SVU and they were like family, sometimes tighter than family. Dr. Bonsall realized Elliot was going to tell everyone in the group what he told him so he asked if Elliot minded if he shared everything with them this time. Besides, what he was fixing to tell them was about to become a police matter.

"We have preliminary blood and urine test results back. Of course, I will test again to be 100 percent certain, but from these initial results, I can tell you with almost absolute certainty that Detective Benson has arsenic poisoning."

"What?"

"How can that be?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Who could be doing this...she lives alone?"

"Are you sure?"

"Who would want to hurt Liv?"

They were all talking at once. "All right, people. Let's hear what else the doctor has to say." Cragen commanded. The group fell silent.

"Hopefully, we have caught this early enough that she will survive and fully recover. Once she no longer ingests the arsenic, her symptoms will disappear...the headaches, vomiting, stomach cramps...however, any damage done to the organs, usually is irreversible. Whether or not her kidneys continue to shut down or begin working at full capacity again, remains to be seen. The good news is that so far none of her other organs seem to be affected." Dr. Bonsall looked around sympathetically at the group.

Survive? There was a question about her survival? Cragen's usually unreadable face was filled with worry, the lines in his forehead deeper than ever. His eyes shone with unshed tears. He loved that woman as though she were his daughter. Fin and Munch stared at the floor. Lake kept rubbing his face. Elliot looked like he was about to be sick. Maureen had her arm around him, tears streaming down her face. It was clear someone else would have to asked questions.

"What is the course of treatment for this...to get rid of the poison?" Casey asked.

"Chemical and synthetic methods are now used to treat arsenic poisoning. There a couple of drugs that are chelating agents which sequester the arsenic away from blood proteins. She has already had her first dose of Dimercaprol. It is the main treatment when there is renal failure or the possibility of it from arsenic poisoning. Your job is going to be tough, detectives. You have to find out how she is being poisoned in order to keep her from getting sick again."

Cragen had been silently digesting the doctor's words. He now asked the question, though he was sure he already knew the answer. "Doctor, are you thinking this poisoning was intentional?"

Dr. Bonsall's gaze burned into Captain Cragen for a long minute before he replied. "There is no way to be certain...it could be from any number of sources...but my instinct is that, yes, this was intentional. I believe someone is trying to kill Detective Benson."

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Benson Residence **

**Saturday, January 19, 11:50 p.m.**

Within an hour of the doctor's diagnosis, Cragen had technicians from CSU and the ME's office all over Olivia's apartment. They took samples of every open container of food and drink, every cleaning agent, laundry detergent, aerosol spray, shampoo, conditioner, cologne, medications, anything that could be ingested, or used on the body in any way shape or form. They took samples of dust from the filters of the heating and air units. They even checked the water taps for contamination. CSU checked for possible points of entry and dusted for fingerprints in case the perp had been in her apartment. At the same time. another group was at the precinct going through the contents of her desk and locker.

There was no way of knowing for certain whether she had come into contact with the arsenic by breathing it, touching it or ingesting it. Since she lived alone, it would seem that it being in her food would be the least likely possibility. However, the doctor seemed to feel this was the most likely form of delivery. He had no proof, only his instinct. Cragen needed proof.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room **

**Saturday, January 19, 11:58 p.m.**

Sitting by her bed watching her lie there as still as if in death, Elliot was mesmerized by how beautiful she was even though she was extremely ill. Her dark hair was mussed...he thought it looked like she might have gone to bed with it wet. The lighter streaks in it made the dark seem darker. Her long black lashes contrasted against the paleness of her face. Her smooth skin, naturally olive complected, was without its normal glow and was cool to the touch. Her lips, full with just a hint of their normal color. Nothing, it seemed, could hide her beauty because as gorgeous as she was on the outside, it was her inward beauty that was most attractive and that, in turn, made her that much more beautiful outwardly. It was her inward beauty that had caused him to fall for her.

He had fallen for her strength as she faced unspeakable evil and debauchery, day in and day out; her kindness in dealing with families that lost loved ones; her empathy for the victims. Her own mother had been a victim, she a product of that crime against her mother. She used it to relate to the victims. He had fallen for her gentleness in the way she mothered the youngest victims...the children...though she had none of her own. He had fallen for her passion to stand up for what she believed, her willingness to fight for what was right and her tenacity to her course of action no matter what anyone else thought. She had been ridiculed and laughed at when she insisted the phone calls from Maria Recinos were real, not a sick, twisted prank like the rest of the unit, including her captain, believed. She persisted until the end and in the end she saved a little girl, digging her out barley alive, from the grave in which she had been left to die. She had put her molester and would be murderer behind bars. That was yet another time he had not been there for her.

He had fallen for her laughter, from her delicate chuckle and sarcastic snort to her rich, throaty utterance of happiness or pleasure to the loud, guffawing chortle that came when she saw or heard something she found astoundingly hilarious. He had fallen for her quietness after a rough case, as she contemplated why they did the job they did, and how people could inflict such evil upon others. He had even fallen for her anger, the way she would go toe to toe with anyone, when she thought she was right. How she would raise herself up to her full 5'8" height, taller with those boots she always wore, and get right in their face. Countless times, his face. How she would not back down, no matter what. He had fallen for the way she always knew what he needed sometimes even before he knew he needed it; for the way she could look at him and know he'd had a bad night. He had fallen for how her touch or the barest whisper of his nickname from her lips could still the mightiest rage within him. He had fallen for the way her big, brown eyes seemed to look into his very soul and somehow find something, someone worthy of redemption. He had fallen for how she could speak volumes to him with her eyes and taught him to do the same; for how she made silence comfortable and words unnecessary. Simply put, he had fallen for her. To lose her would be to lose himself.

He had been holding her hand, rubbing circles on the top of it with his thumb. From time to time he would stroke her face and hair and lean forward to place a light kiss on her forehead or temple or even her lips. He had just brought her hand to his lips, kissing each finger before he laid it beside her on the bed and smoothed the hair from her forehead. He could look at her forever.

The sound of someone clearing their throat brought him out of his reverie and he looked up to see Kathy. She met his eyes but only briefly before shifting them to Olivia's still form.

"Kath?" He was incredulous that his wife was standing there in Olivia's hospital room.

The guilt washed over him. He did not know how long she had been standing there nor what exactly she had seen him do, but he knew he was not fortunate enough that she had seen nothing.

"Maureen called and told me about Olivia. Elliot, I am so sorry. I knew you would be upset and Maureen was so worried about you that I...I thought I...is...is there anything...I can do?" She spoke hesitantly, uncertain of what to say or do.

She was sorry. She and Olivia may not be best buddies but she had saved her and her son after the car accident. She had also saved Elliot untold times over the years. She may be jealous of her, but she did not want anything bad to happen to her.

"No. But thanks for coming." He looked at her, his wife, then back at Olivia, unable to maintain eye contact with Kathy.

She walked over to him and stood by Olivia's bed and gently stroked her hand for just a few seconds. "How is she?" She asked softly, placing a hand on his arm.

"She's been unconscious since we found her...they started something called chelation therapy. Some kind of drug that attracts the metal and helps the body rid itself of the poison." He never took his eyes off of Olivia.

"Maureen said something about her kidneys..." She watched Elliot as he watched Olivia. She knew what she saw in his eyes, on his face and in his gestures. She decided not to put words to it just now, to deny it just a little longer.

"Yea...doctor said that was something he had to keep an eye on...they are not working at full capacity, but they are working...so that is good. If their capacity drops anymore, she will have to have dialysis and if that doesn't work and they continue to fail..." He took a deep breath and exhaled it. "Then she would need a kidney transplant."

His mind drifted back to another hospital, to an elevator and a conversation between he and Olivia during the Masoner case where a husband donated one of his kidneys to his dying wife. This was their first case since she returned from Oregon, and they had been awkward and unsure with one another, of one another. He was still angry and hurt that she had left without telling him, without even a goodbye. Angry that he had no idea where she was or even if she was okay for almost two months, so hurt he could not easily forgive her. She was hurt and jealous over his relationship with his temporary partner, Dani Beck. It seemed to Liv that he had quickly replaced her, when in reality, nothing could ever replace the Olivia Benson shaped hole in his life, in his heart when she had been gone.

_They are waiting for the elevator in the hospital when she speaks. 'You know we've been partners all these years and I don't even know your blood type.' _

_He answers. 'A positive.'_

_Stepping into the elevator she speaks again. 'Well what do ya know me too.'_

_Standing side by side in the elevator, he is deep in thought. 'I'd give you a kidney.'_

_She smirks. 'Not if I gave you mine first.'_

And just like that he knew that despite Oregon, despite Dani, they would be okay

He meant it when he said it a year and half ago. He knows she meant it, too. He knows nothing has changed.

"Oh, El...we will have to pray that it won't come to that...she's strong...I'm sure she will be okay." She slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him. He hugged her back..

He wondered how he ever came to this place in his life, suspended between two women. On one side was a woman he used to love, still loved in a way, who bore his children as well as his name. On the other side was a woman who, because she wanted to or he needed her to, or maybe both, bore the burden of his totally screwed up life. A woman who had taken on and born the responsibility of putting him back together after every victim that tore at his insides, after every perp that fueled his maniacal rages, after every crisis that uprooted his personal life. A woman that he was totally, completely in love with.

"When are you coming home?" She asked, her voice tentative.

"I'm not." Tonight in his anguish, his eyes were the color of gray steel. They met his wife's blue ones.

She nodded and quietly left the room. She was not sure if he meant he was not coming home tonight or ever. Truth be known, he wondered the same thing.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _You guys are awesome! I so appreciated your reviews. Thanks for reading and thanks for taking the time to review. Do you like me putting the time line and place for each segment of the story...or does it matter? " ) Bensler_

**country-til-I-die: **_'Svengali' was the show about the comic book writer and his cult followers. They were responsible for the pizza box bomb and one of them broke into Liv's apartment, attacking her as she entered. She fought him off, but he managed to slash her with a knife before she beat the crap out of him. Hence, Elliot's response about 'beating the crap out him'._ _Oh, I hope you are well soon. " ) B_


	6. Donor

**Chapter 6 ****-**** Donor**

**SVU Squad Room **

**Sunday, January 20, 8:15 a.m.**

Captain Cragen gathered the crew for an update on Liv's condition and to hear the findings and share what other information they had about the investigation.

"Okay, people. Listen up. Detective Benson's condition is stable. There has not been much change since yesterday when she was first brought in. She remains unconscious. For those of you who pray, I suggest you make full use of it. Liv needs every bit of help we or Someone else can give her. CSU has finished their investigation at Detective Benson's residence as well as her desk and locker here. Nothing has been found to indicate that the arsenic is or was present in these locations. The ME is working in conjunction with Detective Benson's doctors and their findings so far are inconclusive as well. So, we are back to square one. Any ideas, theories, suggestions?" His voice was strong and commanding, but his eyes betrayed his fragile emotions. Liv was like a daughter to him and he was worried sick about her.

He looked around at his crew. They were quieter than usual, upset that their friend, a sister in blue was the target of some sick s.o.b. and they did not have the slightest clue who it could be. He saw the concern, the worry on each and every face.

Lake was the first to speak up. "Captain, as much as I hate to say it...the people closest to her...well...you know in most cases like this...it's someone close..." He shifted uneasily in his chair as his fellow comrades looked at him in disbelief, since Olivia had no family they figured he must mean them.

"Just who would you be thinking of, Lake?" Munch asked, his head tilted back in disgust, peering down his nose at him.

"Nah, man...I know you ain't thinking one of us!" Fin was frowning and pacing.

"No. No...but she has been dating someone and they have had some fights...that's why I didn't call him to tell him Liv was in the hospital this time..they had a bad fight Friday night and..." He trailed off, not wanting to betray Liv's confidences.

"And you know this how?" Captain Cragen asked, suddenly interested in Lake's idea.

"Liv. We talk...about things...and she...uh...talks to me sometimes...about...you know...things with guys she's dating and all..."

Elliot had gone home early this morning and caught about three hours of sleep. He had showered, shaved, changed and even managed to eat some toast and drink some juice. He entered the squad room just as the Captain had asked for ideas or suggestions as to where to start their investigations. Cragen did not see him come in because he stood by the row of file cabinets behind him. His blood began to boil when he heard Lake say that Olivia confided him. She had told Lake about the fight Friday night? He could not get her say anything about it. Was this why she didn't talk to him anymore? She had a new friend, a new confidant. Why would she need him anymore if she could talk to Lake like they used to be able to do? When had they become such tight friends? Without him even suspecting it?

"All right. All right. You and Fin get all the information you can on Pierce Kent. Interview friends, family, neighbors, co-workers...he's NYPD, right? I'll get his jacket pulled and review it as soon as possible." He looked from Lake to Fin.

The captain then turned to Munch. "John, I want you to start looking into any perp that has threatened Olivia in the past six months. If you don't come up with anything, then check every perp she's collared for anything in the last six months even if they didn't threaten her. Elliot said he was coming in this morning, when he gets here I want him working with you on this." Cragen dismissed everyone and was heading to his office when he heard Elliot.

"I'm here, Captain. Listen, something just came to my mind. Marty Stanford. Friday night when Liv and I had to go to his parents' home...he was pretty upset...screaming that she was the one that got his kids taken away...that he was gonna find her and make her pay for what she had done. He threatened to kill her, Don." He watched as everything he said registered with his captain.

"Then you and Munch need to start with Stanford." He nodded his head and turned to leave, but stopped.

"He's been locked up since Friday night...how could he have done anything?" Lake asked.

"Liv's been sick for a couple of weeks...so someone has been doing this for a while..." Munch pointed out.

"Who said he had to do it...coulda paid someone...or it could be someone close to him." Fin replied.

"I still want the two of you to check out Kent." He looked at Lake and Fin. "Get going! All of you! I want to know what you know as soon as you find something, anything. Whether or not you think it is significant. Get on out of here!" He barked, smiling slightly as they all jumped up grabbing coats, keys and cell phones.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room **

**Sunday, January 20, 8:55 a.m.**

Maureen had been sitting with Olivia for nearly an hour. She was studying for her psych test coming up on Tuesday and she would read bits and pieces out loud and then repeat them. Then she would take a break from studying and just talk to Olivia for a while. She kept talking to her even though it was a one-sided conversation. She remembered reading or hearing somewhere that people who were in comas or unconscious could still hear what was being said.

"I really like my psych classes. They are so interesting. Of course, Daddy hates that I have decided I want to be a criminal psychologist. Guess I don't have to tell you that." She pushed Olivia's hair back from her forehead. "I'm sure he has told you. You know how he hates shrinks...and now one of his daughters aspires to that profession."

"Of course, when I told him that the other thing I thought of being was a criminal defense attorney...well, he nearly freaked out and then he decided that me being a shrink would not be so bad." She laughed, remembering the look on Elliot's face during that conversation, when he thought she was serious. He hated anyone and everyone who defended criminals because he simply could not understand how someone could take up for a pedophile, rapist or murderer.

"You know, Liv...you really scared us. When we found you, I thought...you...you were dead. And then to see how Dad was with you...he was so gentle...so...wow...Liv...I hope someone loves me like that someday..." Her words trailed off as another voice interrupted.

"You hope someone loves you like what?" Elliot asked her coming up beside her and embracing her in a tight hug.

"Oh...hey, Dad." She smiled nervously at Elliot and hugged him back.

"How's she doing?" He gently rubbed Liv's face with the backs of his fingers.

"The same...I wish she would wake up." She stared at Olivia. Elliot nodded.

"Me, too." He stared at Liv along with Maureen for a minute. "Sooo...? Tell me...you hope someone loves you like what?" His eyes held hers and she knew he wanted an answer.

"Nothing, Dad. It was private...between me and Liv." She looked away and adjusted the sheet around Olivia.

"I see." He reached to rub a strand of Maureen's long blond hair between his fingers. It was so silky. "You know what I think?" He said softly. "I think you were talking to Liv about when we found her...and about how I...uh...reacted." He took her hand in his. "Maureen, baby, I don't know if I can...explain this to you...I don't even know if...if I should try. But after what...what I know that you saw...I...I..."

"Dad. Don't. You don't have to explain. I know. I think I have known for a long time." She tightened her grip on his hand and pulled his arm close to her wrapping her other hand around it.

"Known what?" He wasn't sure what she meant, but thought he had an idea and was afraid of what she would say.

"That you're in love with Olivia." Her gaze found his and held it. He was surprised that he found no anger, no resentment, no hatred in it.

There were no words. He just looked at this beautiful young woman standing before him, his daughter. She hugged him and then left the room, giving him time alone with Olivia. His eyes followed her as she walked out the door, so many thoughts running through his head, none of them making much sense.

Turning his attention back to Liv, he kissed her on the cheek. "Hey, baby. Did you hear that?" He ran his fingers through her hair. "When did my little girl get so grown? So perceptive? You know what she said is true, don't you? I am in love with you, Liv."

He watched her face for any reaction. There was none. "I don't know when it happened. For all I know it might have been the first day when Cragen introduced us. I know I felt an immediate connection with you then. Or maybe it just happened slowly over the years...I don't know." He smoothed her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. "I can't stay right now...Cragen's got the whole squad looking for whoever did this to you. Munch and I are re-interviewing the Stanfords...all of them...checking them out again. I wish you would wake up, Liv...I need to see your eyes...hear your voice..." He sighed deeply. "Maybe there is something we are missing...something that you would remember..." He was playing with her fingers, holding her hand in both of his. "Well, I got to go. Get well, Liv...and come back...to me."

Leaving her room, Elliot saw Dr. Bonsall walking down the hallway and ran to catch up with him.

"Hey, Doc! Wait up!" He called out.

Dr. Bonsall stopped and turned. "What can I do for you, Elliot?" He asked kindly.

"I want you to know that if it comes to it, I will give Liv one of my kidneys and I want to know what I need to do to get that in order ahead of time so if she does need one, it will all be in place." He looked the doctor straight in the eye, with no hesitancy whatsoever in his voice.

"Well, now...that is quite noble of you, but you..."

"It has nothing to do with being noble. That woman in there means everything to me. She's been my partner for almost nine years and she is my best friend. I would do anything for her." His steady gaze did not waiver.

"Come with me, then. We'll talk in my office." He smiled, taking Elliot by the arm and continuing down the hall.

Just a few minutes later, Elliot was sitting in Dr. Bonsall's office. He chewed the inside of the side of his mouth, one of his nervous habits. He wanted to get everything in place so they would not waste anytime, just in case Liv needed this from him.

"Have a seat." The doctor looked at him closely. "So you think you want to be a living donor. Have you given this a lot of thought?"

"I don't have to think about. I told you I would do anything for Olivia." His eyes did not leave the doctor's. "A while back we had this case where the husband gave a kidney to his wife...who he had tried to kill. And when Liv and I were leaving the hospital, I told her I would give her a kidney and you know what she told me?" He looked at the doctor.

"What?" The doctor asked.

He chuckled and smiled. "She told me 'not if I give you mine first'. Looks like I get to go first. I want to do this for her, doc."

He smiled. "You know donors are usually a close relative...but you said she does not have any close family. However, individuals who are not related but have an established emotional relationship with the recipient are being used more often. It seems you and Detective Benson have a very unique relationship. She is fortunate to have someone like you in her life."

"No, doc. I'm the one who's fortunate." He grinned.

"The first line of business will be some testing...first of all, your blood and tissue will be typed to see if you are even compatible with each other..." The doctor began explaining the procedure.

"Trust me...we are _not _compatible...we fight like cats and dogs." They both laughed. "But we both have the same blood type...A positive." Elliot informed him.

"That's good. If we find that Olivia does need a transplant, other preliminary testing such as a chest x-ray, EKG, and a CT scan of your kidneys to check the blood vessels will need to be done. These things assure that you, as a donor, will not be at any unnecessary risk. There are several forms that you can go ahead and fill out. I will need a copy of your medical records and your latest physical report from your doctor." The doctor was going through his bottom file drawer.

He pulled out a stack of forms and placed them on the desk in front of Elliot along with a pen. "You are married, right?"

"Yea...why?" Elliot picked up the pen and frowned as he glanced at the doctor.

"There's a form that will have to be signed by your wife stating that she gives her permission for you to be a donor." Dr. Bonsall flipped through the papers and pulled one out, handing it to Elliot.

"What?" He frowned as he looked up from the papers.

"In cases of live married donors, the spouse must give permission as well. Is that going to be a problem?" The doctor's eyes narrowed as he looked at Elliot.

"No. No problem. Just wonder why I have to have her permission to donate my kidney, but if she wanted to abort our child, I would get no say. Make sense to you?" He started filling out the forms.

"No, it does not." He agreed.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Kent Residence**

**Sunday, January 20, 9:25 a.m.**

"Are you serious?" The anger emanating from him filled the room. His emotions were on a wild roller coaster ride. Still in shock over the news about Liv and extremely worried about her, he was now incredulous that his friend could ask something like this. Feeling betrayed that he could even think there was a chance he was responsible, he was hurt as well as furious. Chester was his friend.

"I'm sorry, Pierce. You know as well as we do that it's usually someone close to the victim in cases like this..." Lake put a hand on Pierce's shoulder, only to have it knocked off.

"Cases like this? Like what? What? You think I abused her?! How long have you known me, Ches? Do you really think I would hurt Olivia?" He was pacing and running his hands over his head and face. "A woman I care deeply about is lying in a hospital...poisoned...and you think I did it?"

"Hey, man...this has nothing to do with how long you've been friends...heard you and Liv have been fighting. I have to ask...how bad and 'bout what?" Fin asked, frowning at him, his arms crossed, not at all sure he was innocent.

Pierce glared at Lake, knowing he had to have been the one Liv talked to about their fights. He wondered if she'd had time to tell him about their last one and what exactly she would have told him. Surely she would not have mentioned what he said about her and Stabler. He did not want to make things more difficult for Liv by telling someone else about their argument.

"What if I don't want to say?" He turned his glare on Fin.

"You know the drill, man...we arrest you for obstruction and haul your butt down to the station. Talk to us here or talk to us there. Your choice, man. Makes no difference to me." Fin's cold, hard eyes returned his glare.

He looked away from Fin and sat down on the couch. "We've had a couple of fights about her being called out on a case." He looked at the floor as he spoke. He did not want to do this.

"That's our job. Be more specific, please." Lake told him. He glanced up at Lake before continuing.

"Okay...okay...the first time we fought, she had to leave just as we had finished making dinner and put it on the table. She had already missed an entire date that week...I didn't even see her that night...and then she had to leave in the middle of movie two nights before that...so I was pretty upset...you know...three times in a week...I just wanted to spend some time with her, you know." He was leaning back on the couch with his eyes closed.

"So...how'd it go down? You argue? It gets louder...you holler? Shove her around?" If he laid a hand on Liv, I'll take him apart right here, Fin thought as he watched for Pierce's reaction.

He sat straight up. "No! No! I would never do that to a woman! We just fought...hollered. I told her I wanted her to transfer back to CCSU so she would have a more regular schedule. She did not want to...we argued, I left. Two days later I sent her flowers and apologized and we got back together." He sighed.

Fin remembered those flowers. Liv had been really happy when they came and they all teased her about them. She never would say who they came from or why and she slipped the card in her pants pocket, away from their prying eyes.

"Any other arguments you need to tell us about?" Lake asked, his eyes intense in their scrutiny of Pierce.

Crap. She must have told him about that last fight. "We had two more arguments about the same thing." He admitted

"Details..." Lake demanded.

"Same thing...she missed going out for dinner last week because of a report she had to have in by morning...we argued that night over the phone. I hung up on her, then called her back and told her to meet me if she got done by eight. She did. Then this past Friday, we were at her place, eating pizza and watching a movie. Stabler called. She had to go. I told her again to transfer to CCSU. That if we were going to keep seeing each other she was going to have make a choice eventually between me and SVU." He paused.

"How did Liv react to that?" Fin asked, already knowing the answer.

"She was pretty mad. Said that SVU was her life. I accused her of some other things and left. It was a pretty bad fight. I guess you could say we broke up over it." He looked really sad and depressed.

"I gotta ask...what did you accuse her of and exactly what do you mean when you say it was a pretty bad fight?" Lake leaned forward, elbows on his knees, writing in a notepad.

Pierce looked back and forth between the two detectives and hated what he was about to say. He hated himself that he had said those things to Liv, even if he did think there may be some truth in them. "I asked her was she...was she sure it wasn't that...that...Stabler was her life? Not SVU." He hung his head, unable to meet their accusatory stares.

Lake tried not to show any reaction. Liv had called him when she got in early Saturday morning and told him about their fight...but she left out the part about Elliot. Every one at SVU knew there was some kind of bond between Liv and Elliot. You could not be around them without knowing, sensing this incredible connection, even when they were at odds. Maybe more so when they were at odds. He did not know either of them well enough yet to be certain, but he was pretty sure they had not crossed any lines as far as a physical relationship.

Fin, on the other hand, was defensive. "What are you talking about, man? Liv and Elliot are best friends...been partners nearly nine years! Sure they care about each other! Stabler finds out you said that to her, you goin' have to be watchin' yo' back for the rest of yo' life...at least until he beats the crap out of you! You accusin' her of being with him and you her boyfriend? You don't know Liv at all! She ain't that kinda woman! Man, I can't believe she ain't kick yo' butt to the road a long time ago!" He looked at Pierce in disgust.

Fin knew all the rumors and knew they had feelings that were more than partners or best friends. But that didn't mean this outsider, even if he was Liv's self-proclaimed boyfriend, was going to sit there and get away with saying things like that about his friends. He was so mad, he could break Pierce in two given half the chance.

Lake shot Fin a look trying to tell him to calm down. "What was Liv's reaction?" Lake asked.

"She denied it...but then I told her I saw what he did in the hospital room, the first time she was in the hospital..." He was clearly uncomfortable telling them about all this.

"What happened at the hospital?" Lake's curiosity was evident.

"I...I came into her room and...saw Stabler...k-kissing her hand. I didn't say anything about it until the night of the fight. When I told her I didn't think that was what partners did and asked was she the reason his wife left him, she slapped me and told me to get out. I did and I haven't seen or talked to her since." He hung his head and put his hands behind his neck.

Lake was frowning at that statement. She had not mentioned that either. "Okay. We will be interviewing co-workers, friends, family and reviewing your jacket. I don't have any more questions for you. Fin? Got anything you want to ask?" He looked over at his partner.

Fin didn't know what to think about this information, but he still didn't like the idea of this outsider cracking on his friends. "Yea...how in the heck did you ever get Liv to go out with you?" He spat the words at Pierce, turned and stomped out of the apartment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stanford Residence **

**Sunday, January 20, 10:05 a.m.**

"Again, I am sorry we had to bother you so early on a Sunday. Thank you for your cooperation. There is one more thing. We need to talk to your younger son..." Elliot flipped pages in his note pad. "...uh...Mitchell. He lives at home, right?"

"Oh, yes. You should have told us...he's still asleep. I can wake him if you want..." Mrs. Stanford trailed off.

"Please. This is part of the investigation." Munch peered over his glasses at the older woman.

Mr. Stanford, Elliot and Munch sat in uncomfortable silence, while they waited for Mitchell Stanford. Mrs. Stanford returned within a couple of minutes. "Would you care for some coffee or tea?" She asked.

"No, thank you." Munch replied.

Elliot just shook his head. Tea. It made him think of Olivia. Since her undercover stint with the environmentalist group in Oregon, she would only drink tea. He wondered how she was and when she would wake up.

Footsteps on the stairs brought Elliot out of his thoughts as he looked up and saw Mitchell Stanford coming into the living room. A brief moment of familiarity crossed Elliot's mind when the young man's eyes turned toward him. He brushed it off thinking it was because he had interviewed him Friday night.

"Mitchell, you remember Detective Stabler from the other night...and this is Detective Munch." Mr. Stanford told his son.

"Yea. I already talked to you. I don't know anything about Ariel and all that." His eyes flitted between the two detectives.

Elliot realized Mitchell was very nervous. "This is not about Ariel. This is about Detective Benson. She is in the hospital. She is very ill and we are trying to find out who may have caused her to be ill. So we have some questions for you. Please, have a seat."

"What's wrong with her? How could someone make her sick?" He was rubbing his hands up and down his jean clad thighs.

"We'll ask the questions." Munch said firmly. "Your brother threatened Detective Benson the other night. Do you know if he had access to her personal residence?"

"No. I mean I don't know. How would he?" His voice was shaky.

"Do you know if he may have asked someone to carry out an act of harm to Detective Benson, perhaps paid them? Or perhaps convinced them out of loyalty to him to do his deed?" Munch took his glasses off and cleaned them with his handkerchief.

"You think Marty did something to her? What? Why?" His hands were fidgeting with his watch as he spoke.

Elliot snorted. "Why? He threatened to kill her! That's why! You were standing right here when said it! What are you some kind of an idiot?!" His anger manifested itself in his narrowed eyes, clenching fists and jumping muscle in his jaw.

"Well, she should never have said all that stuff against Marty and got his kids taken away from him! He loves his kids! She deserves to be sick! She deserves what ever happens to her!" Mitchell was hollering just as loud as Elliot.

Elliot was on his feet and nearly to Mitchell when Munch stepped between them, holding Elliot back. "Let it go, man. He's not worth losing your badge. Let it go." He whispered in Elliot's ear, his grip firm on his friend's shoulders.

Elliot backed off, but kept his icy glare locked onto Mitchell Stanford, who glared right back at him. The elder Stanfords hung back in shock and fear. "Thank you for your time. We'll be in touch if there is anything else we need." Munch took Elliot by the arm and they left.

In the cruiser, Munch turned to Elliot before cranking it up. "What the heck was that?" He looked at Elliot, anger still etched on his face.

"You heard him! He said Liv deserved this! She was helping a little girl get away from her rapist father and she deserves to be poisoned? I don't like that guy. There is something about him...I just don't like him." He breathed heavily, his head pounding from the blood that rushed to it suddenly in his anger.

"We'll check him out good...but if you go beating the crap out him, it's not going to do anyone any good. Especially not Liv." He cranked the car and pulled away from the house.

"Drop me by the hospital. I want to see Liv." He looked out the window, finished with conversation.

"I'd like to see her, too." Munch told him. "But then we gotta get on with the investigation."

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room **

**Sunday, January 20, 11:30 a.m.**

All of the Stabler kids loved Olivia. She had been around for so much of their lives that they each had a unique relationship with her. The twins were in kindergarten when she and Elliot became partners. Lizzie thought she was her second Mom and always ran to her for hugs and affection. Dickie had fallen in love with her and to this day had a big crush on her. He blushed when she spoke to him and stammered and stuttered around her half the time. To Maureen she had become her friend, a confidante she could talk to woman to woman about things that would send her parents over the edge.

Kathleen had a more troubled relationship with her in recent years. She had heard her Mom and Dad fight enough that she had been convinced the real reason Kathy left Elliot was because of Olivia. Only since Elliot's return home, had she realized that was not the case. Her parents simply did not get along. When she really thought about it, she remembered they had always fought. Even before Olivia. She might not have helped things, but Liv was not the reason they did not get along. They disagreed over everything. Their home was a virtual battleground when Elliot was at home. She blamed a lot of it now on her Mom. If she would only leave him alone about his job and hours, that would stop half of the fights they had. Of course, it would do nothing about the rest of the time, but at least there would be some peace in the house. She was not sure her parents even loved each anymore or if they ever had in the first place. She knew they had married because her Mom had been pregnant with Maureen. In the last several months, she had made amends with Olivia. She had even found the courage to tell her why she had been distant toward her and Olivia had simply hugged her and told her she understood. She did not even seem upset or mad at Kathleen. That gave her a new respect for Olivia.

When she first came to see Liv in the hospital, she choked back tears. She looked so peaceful lying there, it was hard to believe she was so sick. She looked like she had lost some weight since she had last seen her. Probably because she had been throwing up so much. Maureen had told her to just talk to her like she was having a real conversation with her, even though she did not talk back. So, that is what Kathleen was doing. It was quite difficult at first, she didn't know what to say and she felt stupid talking to someone who did not talk back or even act like they heard her. But the more she did it, the easier it became and she had been talking to her for about twenty minutes.

"I could not believe when he admitted to me that he took Andrea out." She was painting Olivia's nails. She wanted to do something for her and thought this would be nice. "We've been together over six months, Liv!"

"So, anyway, I told Jared that I was not going to share him and if he wanted to see Andrea, then that was fine with me but we were over!" She turned to get more polish from the bottle on the bedside table.

"I really care about him." She sighed. Liv, it hurts so much. Why does love have to be so...so..."

"Complicated." A faint, whispery voice completed the sentence for her.

She nearly jumped out of her skin. Olivia was awake and had finished the sentence. "Oh, Liv! I am so glad you are awake! Are you okay? How do you feel? Can I get you anything? I need to get a doctor! Oh, I have to call Dad! And the others!" She put the polish down and leaned over, hugging Olivia.

Liv smiled and hugged her back. "I'm really tired. And thirsty." Her voice was raspy.

"I'll get a nurse and see what you can drink...I'll be right back!" Kathleen ran from the room.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _You guys are great! Keep those reviews coming in! I am so encouraged. " ) Bensler_


	7. Decimate

**Chapter 7 - Decimate**

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room **

**Sunday, January 20, 11:30 a.m.**

Just as she was getting to the nurses' station, Elliot and Munch rounded the corner. "Dad! She's awake! Olivia's awake and talking!"

Not waiting to hear what else she had to say, he took off running down the hall and was barreling into the room before Munch could even register what Kathleen had said.

"Olivia!" Her eyes were closed when he burst in, but she opened them, looked at him and smiled.

"Hey, El." Her voice was a hoarse whisper, but it was so good to finally hear. She looked at him shyly.

He slowly went to her side and took her hand. He wanted to hug her to him and cover her face in kisses, but he knew he could not do that. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and blinked quickly, holding them at bay.

"You have no idea how good it is to see you awake and to hear your voice." He held her hand in both of his. "You really scared me this time, Liv...I swear...if you ever...ever..." He could not stand it anymore. He hugged her, relief flooding his body when he felt her hug him back.

"El? What happened? How long have I been here? I feel like I have been asleep forever...but I still feel so tired." Weariness etched her big, brown eyes.

"You passed out again...from vomiting and dehydration. You've been here since Saturday evening around, I don't know...6:30 or 7:00..." He began.

"What day is it now?" She asked, a frown filling her features as she processed this information.

"Sunday...11:35 Sunday morning. Do you remember anything?" He was holding her hand, rubbing his thumb in a circle on top of it.

"Uh...I remember fixing some tea...I think...I...uh..I slept for awhile...don't know how long...uh...I remember trying to call you...I dropped the phone...I got it and called...I heard your voice...but it...it wasn't you...voice mail...that's all I remember." She looked very worried. Tears began pooling in her eyes.

"It's okay. It's okay" He kissed her hand.

She began to cry. "What's wrong with me, El? What's wrong with me?" She was sobbing and he had to hold her. He pulled her close and leaned into her as much as possible with her on the bed and him standing beside it.

Munch and Kathleen chose this moment to arrive with Dr. Bonsall in tow. He gently laid her back on the pillow.

"So our sleeping beauty finally awakens." Munch walked toward her smiling. "Not that I'd ever think of Elliot as a prince." He quickly kissed her cheek and handed her his handkerchief.

Taking it from him, she wiped her eyes. "And you are?" She swatted at him, grinning.

"How are you feeling, Detective Benson?" Dr. Bonsall asked, pulling his stethoscope from his neck.

"Tired and thirsty." She smiled for him. "What is wrong with me, doctor?" He listened to her heart and then flashed his penlight into her eyes, checking thier response.

Being observant was part of her job, but it did not take being a detective to notice all of the looks that passed around the room at her question. Something was bad wrong and it instantly alarmed her.

"What? What is it?" She looked around and her eyes landed on Elliot. "Elliot! Tell me!" She demanded, her voice edgy, her body tense. She was beginning to breathe rapidly and the heart monitor started to beep wildly.

"Liv...calm down, baby. Just calm down." He held her hand and lightly began to massage one of her shoulders.

She pushed him away. "Don't patronize me, Elliot. Just tell me what the heck is wrong!"

Elliot looked at Dr. Bonsall and nodded. "Olivia...you have arsenic poisoning and your..." He spoke softly in a very serious tone.

She was suddenly extremely quiet and still. The expression on her face went from shock and unbelief to worry and fear. "What? How? What are you saying?" The words were bare whispers. "Are your telling me someone is trying to kill me? Oh, my God. Who? How?" Her eyes were wide with terror.

She was very unsettled and understandably so. Elliot took her hand again and this time she held on with an iron grip.

"We don't know yet. We are investigating several avenues. Your apartment, desk and locker have turned up nothing. Do you have anything you can give us, Liv? Someone who would want to hurt you?" The concern in Munch's eyes was hidden by his glasses, but it was clearly heard in his voice.

She laughed a humorless laugh. "Come on, John. Take your pick of any of the perps I've collared in the last nine years!"

"Well, we are hoping you can help us at least narrow it down. No need to be sarcastic." He retorted.

"You're right...I'm sorry...okay? I just don't know. This is such a shock." She apologized and patted his arm as he nodded his head at her in acceptance.

"I'm going to ask that you leave this line of questioning until a bit later. I'd like to finish discussing her diagnosis and assess her progress."

Munch and Kathleen said their goodbyes and left. Elliot stayed behind, promising Munch he would be back at the precinct within an hour.

"Olivia...there is another serious issue caused by the arsenic...your kidneys are not functioning at their full capacity. It may take several days before we know if they will continue to falter, remain the same or begin working fully again." Dr. Bonsall tried to be gentle in the delivery of this news, but it was still bad.

"What? My kidneys? From the poison?" The tears began again, but she was able to keep them from falling.

She could not believe this was happening to her. She had always been in excellent health, at the top of her game physically. Now suddenly, because someone had a grudge against her, she had a life threatening condition.

"What are the chances of it reversing and functioning at full capacity again?" She looked at the doctor as he finished writing something in her chart and looked up at her.

"Since we have no idea how much poison you ingested or for how long, it is difficult to say. We should get the tissue analysis reports back sometime tomorrow or Tuesday. That will give us a better idea of the amount and duration of the poisoning. We just have to wait and see."

"Liv, you are going to be fine..." Elliot started but she interrupted him. He was still holding her hand.

"Shut up, Elliot! You don't know that! So, don't say it!" The venom in her voice, startled him. "Don't sit there and talk to me like I am one of your children! I am not a child. This is serious. I know this is serious. I know I could die and I don't want or need you patting me on the head like I'm a little girl and telling me it will all be fine! You don't know that!" She barked the words at him.

"Liv..." He was caught off guard at her reaction. All he wanted was to protect her, but there was no protecting her from the poison and the damage it had done and was possibly still doing to her body. It was too late. He was too late.

"And I don't need you hovering around like you can fix me, fix everything. Some things can't be fixed, Elliot!" She was shaking her head. "I need... need to be alone. Just go, please. Go." As she slid her hand from his, she turned away from him, but not before she saw the crushing hurt and confusion in his eyes.

Elliot shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. His hands by his side. She held the power to encourage or decimate him with her words and actions and she had just chosen decimation. He could not believe she had been awake less than thirty minutes after being unconscious for eighteen hours and they were already at odds. He thought he was going to have to throw up. Looking at Dr. Bonsall, he tried to maintain his composure and shrugged. "I need to catch up with Munch before he goes whining to the Captain that he's doing all the work." Glancing at Liv one more time, he inhaled deeply. She was still facing away from him as he turned to leave.

Just as he got to the door, Liv called to him. "El...El, I'm sorry...really...I am." She was so confused, so upset and she had no idea why she was pushing him away when she desperately wanted him, needed him there beside her.

He wanted to run to her and hug her and kiss her. He knew he could not. He stopped but did not turn around. He nodded slowly. "It's okay. I'll...uh...check on you later." Even with those few words, she heard in his voice the pain she had inflicted on him. And with those few words, he was gone.

As soon as the door closed, she felt the tears rolling down her cheeks. Dr. Bonsall handed her a couple of tissues and patted her hand. These two people clearly loved one another, he thought, as he watched her wipe her tears and blow her nose.

"You have been through a good deal of trauma physically, Olivia, and the news you have been given today was emotionally devastating. Your confusion, anger, despair are to be expected. Detective Stabler understands and he forgives you." He was nodding and smiling at her.

Still sniffling, she wiped her eyes and nose. "You don't know Elliot like I do...he can hold a grudge...for nearly two years...if he wants to..."

Dr. Bonsall laughed. "I may not know him like you do, but I know any man who would willingly give his friend a kidney, must have a great deal of love for that friend. And I know that, surely, finding it in his heart to forgive that friend, would be an easy task."

"What are you talking about? Give a kidney?" She sat up straighter in the bed.

"Detective Stabler filled out all the necessary forms to donate a kidney to you in the event that yours fail. He told me the two of you had talked about it over a year ago." He paused and when she had no comment, he spoke again. "Do you have any questions about what we have discussed?"

She shook her head and barely whispered her answer. "No." She was remembering a conversation in a hospital elevator.

"Then I need to be on my rounds. I will see you again this evening." Dr. Bonsall left.

Now, she was completely alone. Alone just like she wanted. Alone to think over all she had learned today. Alone in her shame over how she had just treated her best friend who was only trying to help her. lone to think of what Dr. Bonsall had told her about her health, about Elliot. He really would give her a kidney. He signed all the papers. She had known he meant it when he spoke those words because she knew him like she knew herself. And she meant what she had said that day, too. Yet, she was overwhelmed by Elliot's generosity, his love. She knew she was a lucky woman to have a best friend like Elliot Stabler. Even though they had been at odds for months, barely on speaking terms, when push came to shove, he was there for her. She hoped that he knew she would be there for him, too.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Rikers Island**

**Sunday, January 20, 2:00 p.m.**

As soon as Elliot got back to the precinct he and Munch grabbed a quick lunch and then headed out to Rikers Island to question Marty Stanford about his threats and possible attacks on Liv.

"So, Marty, we know you have it in for Detective Benson. Tell us just how you carried out your threat?" Marty was sitting in a chair and Munch walked around and leaned over him, talking right in his ear.

"I don't have to say anything to you without my lawyer." He told them.

"Looks like today is your lucky day...here he is now." Elliot said as he opened the door for Trevor Langan.

"What is the purpose of today's questioning, Detective Stabler." Langan asked as he put his attache case on the table.

"Your client has attempted to carry out his threat to kill Detective Benson." Elliot leveled his steely gaze at Langan. He did not like the man or anyone who defended criminals.

Langan nodded and turned to Marty. "Cooperate with them and let's get this over."

"You think I am gonna help them out, you're crazy!" He retorted to Langan.

"If you want me to defend you, then I suggest you abide by my counsel." Langan threatened.

Marty glared at the two detectives. Munch was still standing behind him and now walked around and sat down in front of him. Elliot was leaning on the wall by the door, watching, his arms folded across his chest.

"You threatened Detective Benson's life Friday night. Apparently someone has been poisoning her and you are the star of our show, Marty." Munch leaned toward him as he spoke.

"What? I haven't poisoned anyone. I've been here since Friday night. You think I have super powers or something? How could I have?" He asked arrogantly.

Elliot began circling the small room, rage simmering just below the surface. "Maybe your super powers include influencing someone else to do your dirty work, Stanford. Maybe got a girlfriend or someone close to you that would help you out...someone who thinks you were wronged by Detective Benson just like you do? Or you pay some one to hurt her? You tell me. How did you do it?"

Suddenly Marty Stanford was afraid. His attitude changed as soon as Elliot started talking and circling like he was getting ready to devour his prey. "I'm...I'm telling you...I don't..." He tried to say more but did not have the chance.

Elliot was on him before Munch or Langan could react. He grabbed him up by a fistful of his shirt and jerked him up right in his face. "My partner is lying in a hospital bed, her kidneys failing and she is still very sick and I am a very, very angry man, right now. I am going to nail whoever did this to her and I'm gonna take care of them myself! You got that!" He shoved him back in the chair as he let go of him.

"No need to manhandle or threaten my client, Detective." Langan warned.

"Elliot..." Munch had gotten up and was pulling Elliot away from Stanford.

"Get off me!" Elliot jerked away from Munch.

"Look, I...I haven't done anything like...like that. Nothing. Yea, sure I was...I was mad at her, still am, for taking my kids away and I know I threatened to...to kill her...but...I...I'm a lot of things...but I am not a killer!" Stanford's arrogant demeanor was gone.

"Well, just so you know...we are talking to everyone near to you, including your new friends here and if anything comes up suspicious, we'll be having another little chat." Munch told him as he motioned for Elliot to leave.

Back in the cruiser, Munch turned to Elliot. "What you think? He good for it?"

Shaking his head, Elliot was chewing on the inside of his cheek, deep in thought. "My gut says no. He was too rattled when you told him about the poisoning."

"More like he was too rattled when you got in his face." Munch snorted, cranked up the car and head back to the precinct.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**16****th**** Precinct Steps**

**Sunday, January 20, 3:50 p.m.**

Lake was standing at the top of the steps waiting for Fin to bring their cruiser around. Munch had gone to park the one he and Elliot just used and Elliot was heading back into the precinct. He decided to talk to Lake, even though he knew he should keep his mouth shut. He could not help himself. He had to ask Lake about him and Olivia.

"So, Liv told you about the fight she and Pierce had Friday night...he looked pretty upset when he left her place." He jammed his hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket and looked out toward the road.

"Yea? You were at her place when they fought?" Liv had not mentioned that to him, he cast a sideways glance at Elliot.

"Naw...out in the cruiser waiting to pick her up for a case. He came out and I could tell it must have been a pretty rough fight...he was really mad." He answered.

"Oh...okay. It was bad. Liv tell you about it?" Lake knew Elliot was just trying to pump him for information and he was not buying into it.

"Some. She was pretty steamed when she came down." Not exactly a lie, but not the truth either. "You seem to know a lot of what is going on in her life...when did you guys get to be such buddies?" He wished he take back the question almost as soon as he asked it.

Lake looked Elliot up and down and then square in the eyes. "Bunch of us went out one night, several months back. She was really quiet, not at all like herself. Seemed upset. I pushed her to talk and she finally told me she had lost her best friend and she just really needed someone she could talk to...she talked to me that night and we just...clicked...went to her place...we talked for hours."

Elliot just nodded. He went to her place? Did they have _that _kind of relationship? Or was it really just talking? He insanely jealous, but somehow managed to maintain his cool. Lake said he pushed her to talk. Just like he used to do. Olivia would not share things very easily. He had always had to push her to get her started. He wondered did Lake know who Olivia had meant when she said she lost her best friend. He knew it was him and he felt like he had been punched in the gut. He just never realized how much his actions hurt her and how much she needed him. He should have realized it, because he knew how hurt he was by his own actions, trying to distance himself from her. It tore him up trying to ignore her, trying extract himself from her life. If he were honest, it was impossible. She had become so intertwined with him that he would never be able to extract himself completely and what little he had done was almost unbearably painful and left gaping emotional wounds. He needed her at least as much as she needed him.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room **

**Sunday, January 20, 7:35 p.m.**

She had been waiting for Elliot to come back all day. He had said he would check on her again. After finding out he had volunteered a kidney, the guilt she felt was very nearly unbearable. She really felt bad for what she had said to him and wanted desperately to see him. She had been so upset this morning when she had said those things to him. She apologized but he had not even looked at her. She needed to see his eyes so she could read him. She knew by him not looking at her, he did not want her to be able to see into his heart and mind right then. Still, she knew she had hurt him and he was probably not in any hurry to come back for more. Even so, each time the door opened, her heart quickened, hoping it was him. It had been Fin and Munch, then Casey. Pierce called and they talked briefly. He asked if he could come by tomorrow. Maureen and Kathleen came for a short visit. Even Lake dropped by for a bit. But not Elliot. Once again the door opened and a man stepped in as her heart skipped a beat.

"Hey, Liv." Captain Cragen had a bouquet of wild flowers in his hand.

"Oh...hey, Cap. Those beautiful flowers for me?" She smiled, but visibly deflated.

"Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady." He handed them to her, taking in the emotions on her face. "Did I detect a bit of disappointment in your voice just now?"

"Sorry...I was just hoping...that...that you...nothing." She gave him a half smile and looked down.

He knew she was hoping he was Elliot. He wasn't sure what had happened, but Elliot had seemed different this afternoon. He became very quiet whenever anyone mentioned Liv. Now, the Captain realized that Olivia must be the cause of it. They must have fought. Like that was something new.

"I think he and Munch are wrapping some things up. He'll probably be by a little later." His voice held understanding and kindness as he watched her finger the flowers.

She gave him a look that said 'what are you talking about?', but then she smiled and nodded at him. She inhaled the scent of the flowers. "Mmmm...they smell so good. Thank you."

"You're welcome. So, how is our patient?" He asked patting her arm.

"She is ready to get the heck out of here and get in on the investigation to find who put her here!" She was still smelling the bouquet.

"Let's not rush things, Liv. You have been very sick and you are still very sick. You need to take it easy." The look on his face was stern and he was using his 'father' voice.

"Actually, the doc said if I continue to do as well as I am doing he might let me go tomorrow or Tuesday." She smiled again, excited at the thought of getting out.

"What about your kidneys?" He frowned. He would rather keep her in the hospital so she would rest and be safe.

"Said I would have to monitor the urine output and if it fell below a certain level, I would need to come back immediately. But other than that, he said he would want me to come be checked every three days or so. I'd also have to give myself shots of dimercaperol every four hours for a couple of days, but I can handle doing that. I really do feel a lot better."

"I don't know, Liv...we don't know where the poison came from...at least you are safe in the hospital." Cragen worried.

Olivia and Captain Cragen visited for about thirty minutes. After he left, Olivia's thoughts turned back to Elliot. She really wanted to see him. Not just to apologize and make things right...she just really wanted to see him. No, she needed to see him. She had been thinking all day and some memories were beginning to bounce around in her mind. At least, she thought they were memories...mostly things she heard him say and Kathy and Maureen...she could not be certain if they said those things or she had made them up or they were the result of her foggy brain...affects from the poisoning or the medication or what. She needed to talk to him and get him to help her sort out reality from fantasy.

She watched a little T.V. Well, it was on, but she could not have told you what was said or what was going on, because her mind was filled with Elliot. She fell asleep to its drone around 9:00 p.m. Elliot had never come back.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room**

**Sunday, January 20, 9:25 p.m.**

He had asked a nurse to check if Olivia was awake. She was not. He then quietly entered her room. She looked so peaceful. So beautiful. He had wanted to come back and see her, talk to her. But she had said she wanted to be alone, so he left her alone. Maybe this way he could concentrate better on finding out who did this horrible thing to his partner, his best friend.

He noticed the flowers and felt a twinge in his heart at the thought that they were from Pierce. There was no card. He turned off the T.V. and the light over her bed, leaving on the smaller light over the sink. He stood for several minutes just watching her sleep. The gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, the bare twitching of her eyelids, slight frown and sometimes even a smirk as she dreamed.

He wanted to touch her, hold her hand, kiss her cheek, but he was afraid he would wake her up and he would have no explanation for his actions. At least, not one that he could admit right now. Unable to resist, he finally gave into his need for contact. He leaned over and very lightly kissed her forehead, closing his eyes as he inhaled her scent. She mumbled softly and he quickly stepped back and out of the room.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence **

**Sunday, January 20, 10:00 p.m.**

Kathy wondered when Elliot would come home tonight. Or if he would come home. He came dragging in this morning around 4:30 a.m., showered, fell into bed and was up and gone before 8:00 a.m. They didn't even talk. She knew things were not good between them. She mentally kicked herself for thinking that it would be any different this time around. They had been on the brink of divorce because they could not get along, could no longer find any common ground. She was a fool. A baby certainly was not going to change any thing if they could not change themselves. No matter how many times she told herself she was not going to say anything about his job, his hours, his partner, she found herself doing just that. And on the rare occasions when she managed to keep her mouth shut, the frayed emotions were still there, lurking just below the surface, clamoring for release. More times than not she said something that had them quarreling angrily in a matter of seconds.

Making matters worse, she had known for a long time Elliot had stronger feelings for Olivia than he would ever admit. She sometimes thought that he had convinced himself he did not have those feelings because, out of respect for his marriage vows, he knew he should not. Sometimes she thought he honestly did not realize his extent of his feelings. But, when she saw him with Olivia at the hospital last night, her last shred of doubt was banished and she knew. She knew as sure as she was standing there, that her husband loved another woman. Not just as his partner and not just as his best friend. He loved Olivia. Not just loved, he was in love with her. It was on his face, in his eyes and evident in his ministrations.

She also wondered why she felt so jealous. If she were truthful, she did not feel the same way about Elliot as she had when they married. She loved him, but not like she did. During their separation, she had dated a couple of men. One, that she really liked. Paul. They had real conversations about interesting things, about dreams, feelings, politics not just about kids, finances, car repairs and doctor bills. She actually felt like a person with him. As jealous as she was, she knew in her heart that Elliot had never cheated on her, not technically, and as much as she had disliked Olivia, she knew she would not cross that line either. That didn't mean that the both of them did not have these forbidden feelings.

She knew Olivia was not the real reason she and Elliot's marriage failed. It was them. They had lost their connection years ago. If they had really ever had one. She hated his job and hours long before Olivia came on the scene. She really had thought during their separation that Elliot would make a move on Liv, and when it never happened she was very surprised. Maybe that is why she thought they might could work things out when she got pregnant. What a stupid thing to do! Not that she would ever want to be without Eli now. But everything in her life seemed to be one big mess. She knew this would happen...that they would never work out. She should have never have asked Elliot to come back. It was a mistake. Baby or no baby.

Maureen had decided to stay at home last night and tonight. She knew Elliot would be tied up with Liv and the investigation and she felt like Kathy needed a break. Plus her siblings had been really upset about Liv and she felt that she should be there for them. She had fed, bathed and put Eli down an hour ago and she and her Mom were watching a movie on T.V.

Elliot came in around 10:15 p.m. He spoke briefly to the both of them and went to shower. Maureen went to bed. Kathy got up and heated his plate of supper she had saved for him. He came back down, saw the food on the table and thanked her. She tried to talk a little, but he told her he was too keyed up and still had some things to look over on the case. He started pulling out files, reports and pictures to review while he ate.

Kathy was aggravated by this. "Even when you are home, you aren't." She headed upstairs to bed.

About thirty minutes later, Maureen came back down to get a snack. The kitchen table was littered with material from the Stanford case. Elliot was hunched over it all, writing down ideas trying to connect things to make sense of what had happened and how Stanford could be involved in the poisoning.

"Hey, Dad." She hugged him on her way into the kitchen.

"Hey, Sweetheart. What you doing still up? Almost midnight." He said looking at his oldest daughter.

"Daaadd...I'm twenty-two years old. I don't live at home anymore and I am old enough to stay up as late as I want." She reminded him, rolling her eyes.

"Yea, well, apparently you'll never get to old to roll your eyes at me." He laughed at her.

"Is all this the case about Olivia's poisoning?" She was looking at the pictures of the Stanfords.

"Well, not exactly. It's a case we are working right now. This guy here, Marty Stanford, threatened Friday night to kill Liv." He showed her a picture of Marty with his two daughters.

"Oh, Daddy. Someone wants to kill Liv? Have you ever been threatened?"

"It just goes with the territory, baby." He knew she was upset.

"I guess I never thought about how dangerous your jobs are..." She was thinking about what she would do if someone tried to kill her Dad.

"She testified about his little girl being abused by him. We are checking to see if he had anything to do with hurting Liv." He pointed at the school pictures of Ariel he had gotten from her grandparents.

"How could a father do something like that? She is so pretty. How old is she?" Her voice was a whisper, her face full of shock and sadness.

Elliot stared at the picture of Ariel. "She's ten. Only ten." He said quietly.

"Who are the other people?" She picked up a picture of the elder Stanfords and one of Mitchell Stanford with his nieces.

"That's Marty's brother, Mitchell, with Ariel and her sister Allison. And this is Marty and Mitchell's parents."

"They look like just a regular family." She scrutinized the photos.

"Yea, honey. That's the problem. Most of the monsters in the world look just like everyday Joes. This is why I do the job I do, Maureen. Somebody has to get these pervs off the streets and out of the homes of innocent children." His eyes had a faraway look as he thought of countless faces of victims he had seen over the years.

"Dad...I'm really proud of you and the work you do. I don't think I have ever told you that, have I? I am. I love you, Daddy." She kissed him on the cheek and hugged him again.

"Thanks, baby. That means a lot to me. I love you, too." He smiled at her as she picked up her plate of cookies and glass of milk.

"I'm heading up for the night. See you tomorrow." He heard the stairs creak as she went to up to bed.

He spent another hour or so going over some things, before he packed it all up and put it in his satchel. It was a cold night, but it was warm in the house...too warm. He stepped out onto the front porch and sat on the steps. Breathing in the cold air and feeling it envelop his body, brought a slight shiver. He thought of the Stanfords and how Liv was lying in a hospital because someone had it in for her. He had no hard evidence, but in his gut he knew Marty Stanford was somehow at the root of Liv's poisoning. All he had to do was find the link. "I'm gonna get him, Liv. I promise you." He spoke out loud into the dark, silent night, his warm breath making wisps of white in the cold air.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Got a lot going on the next couple of days...please bear with me in case I miss a day or two...hopefully, I won't...the reviews are awesome and so are all of you!! " ) Bensler_

**TooManyObessesionsNLoveThemAll** - _Please, please submit my name to Dick Wolf for head writer...any kind of writer. I'll make sure you are my assistant!!_


	8. Disconnected

**Chapter 8 - Disconnected**

**SVU Squad Room**

**Monday, January 21, 8:06 a.m.**

Cragen looked at his detectives and saw the weariness on their faces. Though he had told them to go home and get some rest, he knew that Fin and Lake had stayed late, checking out some things they questioned. He also knew that Munch and Elliot had taken files home and probably stayed up half the night pouring over them.

"Well, you got anything?" His eyes scanned the room.

"We have talked to Kent's friends, family, neighbors, co-workers and everyone has nothing but good to say about him. I've know him for about four years and I can't see him doing anything like this. Besides he really cares about Olivia." Lake was rocking in his chair as he looked at the captain.

"Yea, well, we all know what people say about most of the perps we nail...he was such a good guy, loved his family, good solid citizen, never any trouble and then what? He goes psycho. And we all know what jilted lovers are capable of doing. I don't like him and I can't figure out why Liv does!" Fin's arms were folded across his chest and he stood to the side of Lake's desk. It was clear that he just plain did not like Pierce Kent.

You and me both, Elliot thought to himself. His stomach flip flopped when Lake said Pierce really cared about Liv and then again at Fin's comments about jilted lovers. The idea of them being lovers made him physically ill. He began to wonder just how serious they were, what exactly went on between them and how it had happened without him noticing. Then again he had not even noticed Liv becoming friends with Lake and that was right under his nose. Had he that successfully extricated himself from her life? Cragen just stared at Fin. "Can't go on the fact that you don't like him, Fin. Get me some kind of evidence." He turned to Elliot and Munch. "You guys have anything we can use?"

"A second talk with the parents and brother, turned up the fact that Mitchell Stanford looks up to his big brother, Marty. He was pretty upset about Liv testifying, too. He even said she deserved what ever happens to her. We will be checking him out today as much as possible. It's a holiday and the college he attends is closed." Munch sipped on some coffee.

"Yea...I forgot that for the rest of the world, it's a holiday. Well, do what you can and pick it up tomorrow." Cragen answered.

"Somehow the Stanford case is wrapped up in this, Cap. I just feel it in my gut. Mitchell Stanford...well, I just don't like the guy...something about him sets me off. Marty...he's a pervert, but I don't think he's good for trying to kill Liv even though he threatened her." Elliot sat on the edge of a desk, eating a doughnut.

"Again... we can't go on feelings. We need some hard evidence that Mitchell is involved. Munch, what's your take on Marty?" Captain Cragen frowned as he thought about all that had been said.

"I'm with Elliot. Marty's not the one. But, Mitchell...he raises some question." Munch answered.

"All right. Get going. Let's get some answers and wrap this up!" Cragen ordered.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Reed & Cilano Accounting**

**Monday, January 21, 9:00 a.m.**

"Have a seat, Detectives. Can I get you some coffee?" Drew Cilano pointed to the chairs in front of his desk.

"No. Thank you. We would like you tell us a little about one of your employees, Mitchell Stanford." Elliot told him, taking a seat in the far chair, leaving the closer one for Munch.

Cilano looked from one of them to the other. "Is Mitchell in trouble? He's a good kid."

"No...he's just close to an ongoing investigation and we need to make sure he is not involved." Elliot explained.

"How long has he worked for you?" Munch asked. He crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair.

"He's a senior and he's been here since the beginning of his junior year...so what, about a year and half, I guess. I can get his records to be certain, if you want." He motioned toward the main reception area.

"No. That's alright." Elliot shook his head. He turned the page in the note pad he was writing in. "Is he responsible about coming to work, being on time, doing a good job? Has he missed any days recently?"

"Oh, yea. He's a great worker. He's a quick learner and he's going to make a great accountant. We plan to offer him a job when he graduates in May. I don't think he has ever been out sick other than last summer when he had his wisdom teeth cut out...he was out for several days then. He's always here. He's paying his own way through college." Cilano was clearly upset that the police were interested in an employee of his.

"How many hours a week does he work and what is his schedule?" Munch squinted his eyes as he used his tie to clean his glasses.

"It's on the computer...I'll print a copy for you." He typed a few things and the printer started up. "Monday, Wednesday and Friday's he works from 12:00-6:00, and on Tuesdays he works all day; Thursdays he work 8:30-10:30 and then comes back from 4:00-6:00. So, that's 30 hours a week. We work around his class schedule. I'll also print you a copy of his time and attendance for the last month." Cilano handed Munch the sheets of paper from the printer.

"He's been at work everyday." Munch looked at them and held them over for Elliot to see. He looked back at Cilano.

"Well, unless Detective Stabler has more questions, we're through." He looked at Elliot, who shook his head.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Cilano." Elliot stood and offered his hand.

Out in the car, they talked about the interview. "Looks like the kid stays busy with work and school. Not much time to poison someone...and how could he do it? There's no evidence of anyone being in her apartment or her food there being tampered with...I think we are back to square one, Elliot." Munch offered his opinion.

Elliot let out a deep sigh and ran his hands over his face. "Yea. I don't know what to think. We gotta find something soon, John. Liv's never going to be safe until we know who did this and how."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room**

**Monday, January 21, 10:45 a.m.**

Olivia had fallen asleep last night thinking of Elliot. She wished he would come to see her. She knew he must still be upset over what she had said to him yesterday morning. And she did say she wanted to be alone. Well, not for this long, she thought. Maybe she should call him. No. They have not been on good enough terms in the last several months to call just to be calling. Surely, he would come by today. She hated how strained things had been between them the last couple of years. She longed for the earlier days when they cut up, told jokes, bantered back and forth, flirted, even bickered, but without holding grudges. Those days were long gone, it seemed. Casey had brought her cell phone to her along with a couple pairs of her own pajama's and toiletries. What would one phone call hurt? Maybe she would call him. She flipped open the phone just as the door to her room opened. Her heart jumped.

"Hi, Olivia." It was Pierce. She had forgotten that she told him he could come by this morning. He was holding a dozen red roses in a vase.

"Hi...the roses are beautiful." Though she was disappointed that he was not Elliot, she managed to smiled at him.

He let her smell the flowers, before he put them on the window sill and came to stand by her bed. It was awkward because of the fight they had Friday and the fact that they never talked about it and then she ended up in the hospital.

"Liv, I just want to say I am really sorry about the other night. I should never have said..." He wanted to explain to her.

"Don't. Pierce, please don't apologize just because I'm in the hospital. We both know you very upset about my job and the hours I have to work...and about...well, you know. I don't want you to feel like you have to apologize just because I'm sick, okay?" The look she gave him was serious, her eyes narrowed.

"No. That's not it, Liv. Really. I would have come to you sooner or later and begged forgiveness. I care about you. A lot. I know I said some things the other night that I shouldn't have...but I want us to be together...if you can forgive me...I want to make it up to you...if you'll have me..." He seemed very sorry and the look in his eyes pleaded with her for another chance. And he was so cute.

She really did like him and she was so tired of being alone. She found herself giving into him and his sad, puppy dog, beautiful green eyes. She would forgive him until the next time. She knew there would be a next time because she was not switching jobs and the nature of her job was long, irregular hours. He would not magically learn to accept it. He would continue to hound her to go back to CCSI and they would continue to fight. But right now, she needed someone beside her, to support her, be with her. So, she would forgive him. Smiling, she held her hand out for him to come to her.

"Liv, I promise you won't be sorry..." He said as he kissed her lightly on the cheek.

"Shhh...no promises..." She put her hand around the back of his head, pulled him to her and captured his lips with hers. It felt so good to kiss him, to be held and know that he wanted to be with her, be a part of her life. To be wanted and cared for by someone. She almost forgot she was in the hospital, until they heard the door open and looked up to see Elliot and Casey.

"Someone's feeling better." Casey said.

Elliot did not trust himself to speak. He was not even sure he would be able to form sentences. He felt sick to his stomach and wanted to punch Pierce and shout at Olivia. He knew he had no right. No right. Maybe if he kept telling himself this, he would finally believe it.

"Actually, I am feeling a lot better." Olivia smiled at them. A glance at Elliot told her all she needed to know. She already knew without looking at him that he was not happy over seeing Pierce there, nor seeing them kiss.

"Actually, I was talking about Pierce. He has been down in the mouth since the little fight you guys had Friday night."

Liv's head quickly turned to look at Pierce. "You told her about our fight?" Liv was on the way to angry.

"Uh...no...I didn't..." He seemed surprised that Casey knew. He wondered if Lake or Fin told her about the interview.

"He didn't say anything, Liv. I read it in the report." She explained.

Liv was really puzzled now. "Report? Casey, what are you talking about?"

Casey shot a look at Elliot and he shook his head. "You mean she doesn't know?" Casey asked him.

"Know what? What is going on?" She was on a low boil now.

"Liv, uh...Pierce was..." Elliot began, he rubbed his neck with his left hand.

"Let me tell her." Pierce interrupted. "Olivia, I was questioned as part of the investigation into your poisoning. I had to tell them about the fight because...because..."

"Chester already knew because I told him about it." She finished the sentence for him. "Elliot, I can't believe you did not tell me Pierce was going to be questioned. How could anyone think he would do something like this?" She was angry now.

"Liv, I didn't know until yesterday morning but when Munch and I came to see you, Kathleen was here and you had just woke up and we were all so excited...and I didn't think about it. And then you...well...I just didn't think about it." He tried to make her understand that he did not keep it from her intentionally.

"Why would you think he could be involved, Elliot?" Her brown eyes were narrowed and almost black, meaning she was very mad.

Casey decide to bail Elliot out. "Olivia, if you would think like a detective instead of woman in love, you would know why he was questioned."

Liv could feel the heat rush to her face and knew it must be blood red. She was not in love with Pierce, and Casey knew that, but she did not want to point that out because she did not want to hurt or embarrass him. And she definitely did not want to give Elliot the satisfaction of knowing she was not in love with Pierce. Not that he would have any reason to feel satisfied if she were not or care if she was in love. So, she did the next best thing...she remained silent instead.

"You know that in cases like this, more often than not, it is someone close to the victim. That's the only reason he was questioned." Casey continued.

Casey looked at the three others in the room and felt like she was standing in the middle of a love triangle. She knew Liv had feelings for Elliot and vice versa. Olivia looked like she was confused as to where her allegiance should lie; Elliot looked like he had been punched in the gut; and Pierce looked confused, as though he thought he might be vying with someone for Liv's affection. Elliot, of course, was the someone, and he was just acting...different...so not like Elliot.

"Lake was the one who brought Pierce up as a suspect. Not me. Cragen had him and Fin question him." Elliot's blue eyes locked on hers.

Olivia stared back and they held their gaze long enough that it was uncomfortable to the other two. She saw pleading, confusion and hurt in them. She wished Pierce were not here. Or Casey. She really needed to talk to Elliot alone. At last, Elliot broke the connection.

"Well, I need to get back to the precinct. Glad to see you are doing better, Olivia." He turned to go.

"Elliot..." Liv could not say what she wanted, not with the others there. She wanted to tell him not to go, that she needed to talk to him, that she just needed him.

"Yea..." He stopped and looked over his shoulder. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek, a frown etched his face. It was killing him not to be able to talk to her like he wanted. Needed.

She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, biting it and letting it go before speaking. "Nothing." She shook her head.

He looked at her for a moment longer, then slipped out the door.

"Guess I'll head on, too. Bye, Liv." Casey gave her a hug and ran to catch up with Elliot.

- - - - - - - - - - -

With schools and many businesses closed for the holiday, their investigation of possible suspects was limited to speaking with neighbors, friends and family, and running background checks. Lake and Fin had checked out Pierce and nothing seemed out of place there. Now they were going through the list of perps that had threatened Olivia in the last six months, starting with the most recent. Munch had come up with a list of 19 possible suspects and he and Elliot took half and gave the other half to Lake and Fin. It had been a fruitless afternoon and Cragen told them all to go on home early and get some extra rest before jumping back on it in the morning.

**Olivia Benson's Hospital Room**

**Monday, January 21, 3:50 p.m.**

Before going home early, Elliot decided to go by the hospital in the hopes that Pierce was not still there and he could actually talk with Liv. He glanced at his watch, just as he got to her door and saw it was 3:50 p.m. He slowly opened it and peered in. He was relieved to see the room was empty except for Liv. She was reading a magazine. He watched her for minute before she looked up and smiled.

"Hi." Elliot spoke first. Suddenly feeling very unsure of himself, he remained near the doorway.

"Hi, yourself." Her smile grew bigger. "You gonna come in or just guard the doorway."

He laughed. "If I stand guard, can refuse irritating boyfriends entry to the premises?" He walked to her bedside.

"You have an irritating boyfriend? Never figured you for that, El." She raised an eyebrow at him and looked him up and down.

For some reason, he felt himself blush. "You figured right and you know I am talking about _your _irritating boyfriend." He came into the room and stepped closer to her bed, but not close enough to touch her.

"I don't find him irritating at all..." She smirked. She knew Elliot would not like that statement.

"Yea, well, whoever said you knew how to pick guys..." He realized that was not a good thing to say. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean that like it sounded...I was just..." He could not finish because she interrupted.

"It's okay. It's the truth. I don't have a good track record in that department. Maybe my luck has finally changed." She raised her eyebrows. She was a little perturbed at him for that response, but decided to let it go, because she really wanted to make things right between them, not start something else.

"I hope not." He mumbled, looking down at the floor.

"Excuse me?" She could not believe he said what she thought she heard. She must be imagining things.

"Nothing...uh...so how are you feeling? You look a whole lot better." He took in her appearance. She had some color in her cheeks and her eyes were bright. After stroking her hair, holding her hand, kissing her face while she was unconscious, he found it was difficult to keep his distance from her now. She would not allow any of that if he tried it now.

"I feel a whole lot better...still not a hundred percent...but better." She nodded her head and smiled at him.

She noticed he had on all black, from his tight fitting jeans, to his shirt and tie to the leather jacket. She loved him in all black and a couple of years ago had told him that she loved it and that it looked good on him. Since then, it seemed that he wore all black at least once a week. She always wondered was it because of what she said and every time he did, she wanted to ask him but never had the nerve. Well, he looked very handsome now and she had to make herself quit looking at him.

"About the other day, El...I was..." She started her apology. When his eyes met hers, she had to look away.

"Liv, it's okay. You don't have to say anything..." He cut her off and then she did the same to him.

"Yes, I do, Elliot. I was out of line." She looked into those crystal blue eyes she knew so well. "You were just trying to make me feel better. I was overwhelmed by what Dr. Bonsall told me and I took it out on you. I'm sorry. I know I hurt you and...well...I am so sorry, El. You have been here for me since I've been sick and...well...I really am sorry I hollered at you and treated you like I did." She could barely look at him because of her shame and guilt.

"I know you were upset, Liv. You didn't have to apologize, but if it makes you feel better, then I accept your apology. Okay? So, are we okay?" He took her hand in his and squeezed it. When he went to release it, she held on and squeezed back, not letting him go.

"Yea...we're okay." Her big, brown eyes were sparkling and her grin covered her face. She held his hand with both of hers, drawing small circle on the top of it.

He was held captive by the feel of her hands around his and the gentle motion of her hand drawing circles on his. He could not take his eyes from their intertwined hands. He kept thinking that this was how their souls, minds and hearts were...intertwined, enmeshed, two become one.

"Dr. Bonsall told me that you wanted to give me a kidney if it came down to that...Elliot, I could never let you do that." Her soft voice was emotionally charged. "I mean, I appreciate the thought, but I couldn't let you do that...you have a family to think about."

"What do you mean 'let me'? Olivia, if it comes to that, I _will_ give you a kidney. Did you mean it when you said that you would give me your kidney? Did you?" His eyes locked on hers, his brow knit in a frown.

"Yes...you know I did." She held his gaze, her voice barely a whisper.

"I meant it, too. You would do this for me...so how could you even think of refusing me the chance to do it for you? And my family has nothing to do with it. If I...if I lost you...I would be no good to my family anyway. So, end of discussion." His voice bordered on anger and the crystal blue of his eyes had begun to turn dark, indicating that his anger was increasing.

"Thank you, El." She whispered, with a half smile. "I guess we can argue more about this, if it happens."

"Nope. No arguing going to happen, Liv. None." He raised his eyebrows at her and shook his head.

She was quiet for a long minute. "Can I ask you about some things?" Speaking so softly, he had to strain to hear her, he worried what she might want to ask.

"You can ask me anything, Liv. You should know that by now." He shifted slightly, glanced at her, but then looked back down at their hands.

She was watching at him looking at their hands. She nodded. "When I was unconscious...or whatever I was...I heard things being said. Felt some things, too. But, I...I am not sure...if...if I really heard them...or they really happened or if...maybe...it was the sickness or the medicine...or just my mind playing tricks on me..." She paused, trying to think of which thing to ask first and how exactly to ask it.

Elliot looked up at her and watched as she struggled to come up with the words she wanted to say. He decided against saying anything else for the moment. She was absolutely beautiful. He wanted so badly to pull her to him and just hold her close.

"I'm not sure if I remember the order of things either. Was Kathy here?" She decided to hold off on asking the really big things.

"Yea...she came by that first night to see how you were doing." He replied.

"I think I remember the two of you talking about my kidneys...did you?" She looked at him but he was still engrossed in their intertwined hands.

"We did." He looked up at her and smiled. "So, you could hear things even when we did not think you could?" He was surprised she heard and remembered.

"I guess I did. I remember wanting to say things back a few times, but when I tried it was like my voice was asleep...I couldn't wake up or make the words come out of my mouth." Explaining how it felt to be basically trapped in her own body, was not easy to describe.

"What else do you remember?" His heart was beginning to race, thinking about some of the things he had said to her. Things he could never say out loud to her face...because he was married. He had no right to feel any of those things, much less voice them to her.

"Maureen...she was...reading to me or maybe just telling me things she had read...I can't really remember what...but she said something about a test...and I think she was talking about a boyfriend...or was that Kathleen? Anyway, Maureen said she hoped someone loved her like that one day..." She stopped and a puzzled look crossed her face. "Like what? Loved her like what?" She was talking more to herself than to him, trying to remember. "When you found me? What did you think, Elliot? Did you think I was dead?"

"No...I didn't...I knew you weren't. Maureen thought you were...she was...we both were very upset...worried...I knew you were very sick..." Tears began to well in his eyes and he blinked rapidly to hold them back.

"How did you know and not Maureen?" Suddenly, it seemed like she understood something.

"I would have felt it, if you..." He swallowed hard. "...if you were gone. And besides, I was holding you. I felt the warmth of your body. Do you remember me holding you?" He searched her face, trying to see if she remembered more.

She shook her head. "No. But I remember Maureen saying...saying...that you...but that was after...when she was here...wasn't it? That's what she was talking about...you and how...she told you that you were..." She paused, willing the thoughts to make sense. "...and then you told me the same thing...that you...were...were in..." She stopped and looked at him.

Brown eyes and blue meeting, once again in sync, once again 'talking' with silent words. In that moment, she knew what she had heard as if she had just heard him say it aloud again. He was in love with her. Elliot Stabler was in love with her. How could she have missed this revelation?

"El, you know that I..." She started to say it. What she had wanted and tried to say back to him when he told her before she regained consciousness.

She wanted to put it out there. Not that they could do anything about it, but she wanted him to know, he had to know, just in case. Just in case something happened to her and she never got the chance to tell him. Just in case he never got the chance to know, really know, hear her say it out loud.

The door creaked open and they broke their gaze and looked over just as Pierce came into the room. He stood for a minute, the realization that he had just interrupted an intense moment, weighing upon his mind. Looking back and forth between Liv and Elliot, he waited for one of them to speak the first words. Liv released Elliot's hand and he took a step back from the bed. And her.

"Hi, Pierce. I thought you had to go in for a couple of hours." She smiled at him and held her hand out to him.

She acted as though none of the last fifteen minutes between she and Elliot had ever taken place. Elliot was puzzled at how she could switch her emotions on and off. It even caused him to wonder if he read her wrong just minutes ago. After all, it had been a long time since they had been able to have a conversation with just their eyes. Maybe he was 'hearing' what he wanted to hear. No. No, they were not that disconnected. He knew what he saw in her eyes. So, how could she turn around and act like this with Pierce? In reality, it took everything she had to put on that act for Pierce.

"Took less time than we thought to get the server back up." He walked past Elliot and leaned over the bed, to hug Olivia. He pulled back from her and looked into her eyes, then kissed her, just a quick kiss.

Elliot felt his fists clenching and un-clenching involuntarily at his side. He knew he could not stay in that room and watch Pierce all over Liv and Liv acting like she really cared about him.

"Good. I'm glad you're back." She smiled at him and pulled her to him in another hug. She looked over her shoulder at Elliot and mouthed, 'I'm sorry.'

Yea. Me, too, thought Elliot. "Well, now that you have someone to look out for you, Liv, I'm gonna head home. Cragen told us all to go home early and get some rest before we jump back on this in the morning."

"Do you have to go, now, Elliot? You could stay and visit for awhile with me and Pierce, couldn't you? It's still early." She really did want him to stay, but she did realize it was awkward for him.

"I'm sure Elliot has things he needs to do with his kids...or his wife." Pierce smiled at Liv and then turned the same smile on Elliot, though his eyes glared at him.

"Yea. I do. So, I'll see you tomorrow, huh, Liv? Glad you are better. Get some rest." He turned to leave.

"El...good night." She spoke softly.

He glanced back at her and could swear he heard her eyes say it again. "Good night, Liv." When he stepped out of the room, he shook his head to clear all the thoughts running through it. Mainly to get the picture of Pierce kissing her out of his head.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Okay, okay. WHERE is everybody? I need some feedback, guys! Help me out. Are you not liking the story? Tell me what's going on in your minds? " ) Bensler_


	9. Diner

**Chapter 9 - **

**Stabler Residence**

**Monday, January 21, 7:30 p.m.**

The Stabler family had actually all sat down to eat dinner together. Maureen was still there but left to go back to her place after eating. No one had a game or practice or anywhere to be, so they all sat around the table after finishing their meal and just talked. Elliot loved it. He hated that he missed so much of this kind of family time, but his job was important and it kept food on this table. Kathleen had taken Eli up for his bath before bedtime and Dickie and Lizzie were cleaning up the kitchen.

Elliot had gone into the living room and was sitting in the middle of the couch, his arms stretched out over the back cushions, his legs propped on the coffee table. His head was leaning on the back of the couch, his eyes closed. Kathy had come from the kitchen after putting away leftovers and stopped in the doorway, just staring at him. She wished things were different between them. Wished they could make this marriage work, be what a marriage is suppose to be, because ultimately she knew that would be best for the kids. It would be best for her and Elliot, too. Divorce is never easy and it always, always leaves its scars even though they are not visible physically, they are scars nonetheless. But, she knew the way they constantly fought and were always at each other left scars, as well. Emotional ones. Could they, should they raise another child in the battlefield that was currently their home? She did not think so. She thought it would be better to cut their losses and try to find some happiness for the last half of their lives. No one deserved to be miserable and that pretty much summed up the relationship between she and Elliot. Miserable. Both of them. And they made everyone around them miserable, too.

But, for now they were still married and she still felt like she had to at least try. Quietly, she made her way to the couch and sat beside him, snuggling up to his right side. She slipped her left arm around his waist and put her right hand on his chest, and kissed his cheek as she sat down. The only acknowledgment he gave, was his right arm coming down around her shoulder and squeezing her slightly and then he returned it to the back of the couch. Her right hand caressed his chest.

"Rough day?" She asked quietly.

"Yea...glad the Cap gave us off early." He said, his eyes still closed

"How is Olivia? Kathleen was so excited that she was there when she woke up." She snuggled closer to him, still running her hand over his chest.

"Yea, she was bouncing off the wall. She's...uh...Liv's...doing pretty good. Doc may let her go tomorrow." His wife's hand was warm. He found himself thinking, not about his wife, but about Olivia holding his hand and how soft her hands were on his rough one.

"That is wonderful. Then her kidneys must be back to normal, right?" Her face was leaning against him as she spoke.

"Uh...no...he said she would have to keep a close watch because they could still get worse." He could feel the warmth of her breath through the material of his shirt. He remembered Liv's breath on his face when he held her close the day they found her in the bathroom.

"Oh...hopefully, she will just get better. She shifted to be able to reach him and began planting small kisses on his neck. "How's the investigation going?" He remembered how soft Liv's lips were when he kissed her while she lay there unconscious.

"It's not going well...very stressful for all of us...she being one of our own makes it worse..." He kept thinking about Pierce kissing Liv and how she did not seem to mind.

"Hmmm...well, I can't do anything about the investigation, but if you want...I _can_ do something about all that stress..." She was kissing along his jaw line and when she got to his mouth, she kissed him properly.

He wrapped his arms around her and roughly pulled her to him, kissing her back. They kissed passionately for a couple of minutes before she pulled away.

She whispered in his ear. "The kids are in the kitchen...let's take this upstairs." Standing, she pulled him up by the hand and lead him upstairs.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Tuesday, January 22, 12:19 a.m.**

Hours later the house was quiet. Everyone asleep. Except one person. He lay in the dark, his eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, thinking. He was married. His wife lay beside him, contentedly sleeping. But, for him, sleep was elusive. He would almost fall asleep and then another picture would flash in his mind or another thought would start the thinking and analyzing process over again. He was married, for Pete's sake. So, why did he feel this enormous weight of guilt, feel like he had somehow just cheated on Olivia. It made no sense, yet he could not distance himself from the overwhelming burden of guilt he felt suffocating him because of actions tonight. He was royally screwed up in the head. Huang would have a heyday picking his mind. He wondered if Pierce stayed the night at the hospital. He hoped he had because he would rather she not be alone, even though Cragen had two cops posted outside her door 24/7. He wondered again, exactly what was the nature of the relationship between Liv and Pierce.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Tuesday, January 22, 11:10 a.m.**

Lake and Fin had been out for the morning interviewing the father of a victim who was one of Liv and Elliot's cases about three months ago. He was angry at them because the perp had been caught earlier but let go on a technicality and he blamed Benson and Stabler and had threatened both of them. Turned out his job had him working in Europe for the past eight weeks and he and his family had just returned this past Friday. So, it couldn't be him. He also apologized for the threats and told them he knew that the detectives were just doing their jobs. Lake was checking out another possible suspect and Fin had gone to pick them up some sandwiches.

Munch and Elliot had gone to Brooklyn College to check out Mitchell Stanford. He was well-known and well liked by both his peers and his professors. He was active in student government and was the treasurer of his class. He played soccer and ran track. He maintained a straight A average and was set to graduate Summa Cum Laude in May with a Bachelor of Science in Accounting and Finance. It also appeared that he would be the salutatorian as long as he did not bomb a test or anything. He was now looking less likely to be their main suspect.

Elliot was leaning back in his chair, with his feet propped on his desk. "I still don't like that kid." He told Munch.

"Me, either, but I just don't see where he would have time or access to do this to Liv. Straight As? Soccer, track, treasurer. And he works 30 hours a week! Gotta admit it just does not give him much free time to be poisoning someone." Munch was twirling a pencil in his hand and rocking in his chair.

"I know. We gotta get a break or come up with something, John. Soon. Liv is going to be getting out of the hospital and we have no idea who did this or how and that means they could do it again!" He was totally exasperated. He turned his head side to side to release some of the tension he felt building.

The phone on his desk rang. He sat up and reached for it. "Detective Stabler, Special Victims Unit. How can I help you?"

"Hey, Daddy." It was Kathleen.

"Hey, sweetheart. Why didn't you call me on my cell?"

"I did. Like five times. You must have it turned off."

He reached for the cell and checked. It was off. He thought he put it on vibrate. This was getting to be a habit. He sighed, turned it back on and set it back on his desk.

"Yep, you're right, it was off. What's up?" He straightened some files on the desk.

"Maureen and I decided to come by and see Liv on our lunch breaks and she's not here. They said she was dismissed at 10:15 this morning. How come you didn't let us know?" She asked him.

A frown covered his face. "Oh...gee...uh...because I didn't know. Well, that's good...I guess." He could not believe she was dismissed and did not even call to let him or the squad know.

"Hang on, babe." He covered the phone. "Hey, Munch. Liv got out this morning...about an hour ago. See if Cragen knows."

"Well, since we are midtown, we thought we'd see if you are free for lunch." He could hear Maureen in the background. 'Tell him, he's buying!'

He laughed at this. "I'm free. But, I need to stick kind of close cause we have a lot to do. So, how about Bert's? It's right across the street from the..."

"Daaaadd! We've eaten there like a cajillion times. We know where it is." She sighed. He could just see her rolling her eyes at him.

"Okay, okay. Give me til 11:45. I gotta finish up this report from this morning. Bye." He smiled as he hung up the phone.

Why didn't Liv call him? He was certain she would have let him know. He tried not to feel hurt or get mad. Maybe she tried. He picked up his cell phone and checked the missed calls again. The ones from Kathleen filled up the small screen but when he scrolled down, he saw that he had three missed calls from Liv. He slammed the phone down. "Crap!"

About that time, Munch walked over to his desk. "Cragen's at One PP. Forgot about that meeting he had this morning."

"She called me three times and I had the phone turned off. Thought it was on vibrate. I'll try her, now." He pressed #1 and send and waited for it to connect. It went straight to voice mail.

"Voice mail." He said to Munch as he waited. "Hey, Liv. It's me. Call me when you get this message. Heard you got out."

He disconnected and flipped the phone shut.

"You think Cragen kept the detail on her?" He asked Munch.

"I'm sure he did. I'll check it out." Munch started dialing on his desk phone.

"Guess I'll finish the report and go meet my girls for lunch." Elliot picked up a pen and started writing.

- - - - - - - - -

**Bert's Diner**

**Tuesday, January 22, 11:25 a.m.**

Maureen and Kathleen had found a table near the window so they could watch for their Dad. They were both drinking water. Maureen was looking out the window and Kathleen was taking in her surroundings and all the people in the restaurant.

"I wonder why Liv didn't let Dad know she was getting out?" Kathleen wondered out loud.

"Maybe she just wanted to be alone...and you know Dad...he would have insisted on going home with her and making sure she was all right and everything." Maureen answered.

"Do you think there is anything between them? Really?" Kathleen asked her.

"I think they have a really unique bond...but if you mean like has Dad cheated on Mom...no. And I don't think we need to be speculating." She answered her sister. She had debated on telling her about how their Dad reacted to finding Liv.

"Yea...I supposed you're right. I need some more water...where is the waitress?" Kathleen looked around and saw no one. "I'm going to get a refill. Want some more?"

"No. I'm fine. Thanks." Maureen smiled at her sister.

Kathleen went to the counter and saw a young man with his back to her filling orders.

"Excuse me...may I get some more water, please." She asked him.

As he turned around, she recognized him as someone from one of her classes. "Sure. Do you want more ice, too?" He asked, taking her glass from her and looking up at her.

"Oh...hi, Michael. I didn't know you worked here." She smiled. He was cute. He had dark wavy hair and beautiful brown eyes. She noticed his name tag. "Why does your tag say 'Stan'?"

"Uh...that's my name. Stan Michael. But, everyone calls me 'Michael' most of the time...I've been here almost two months." He replied, smiling at her. "Kathleen, right?"

"That's me. Are you still going to Hudson? I haven't seen you around lately." She took the full glass from him.

"No. I need to save some money to pay for another semester." He shrugged.

"Oh. Well, maybe I'll see you around later...I better get back to my sister." She smiled and left.

She went back to their table and sat down. Looking over her shoulder at Michael, she spoke to Maureen. "Hey, check out the guy behind the counter. He is totally cute! He was in my chem class at Hudson last year. His name is Michael. What do you think?"

Maureen looked toward the counter, but he had his back to her. "Well, his backside looks pretty good." She teased her sister. He turned around and Maureen got a good look at him. "How well do you know him?" Her eyes narrowed as she watched him.

"Not that well. He's kind of shy." Kathleen said, looking at him again.

"What did you say his name is?" Maureen thought he looked familiar, but could not place him.

"Michael." Kathleen glanced back at him again.

"What's his last name?" A frown had taken the place of the teasing smile.

"Mmmm...Michael. His tag says 'Stan' and I asked why and he said it was his name. His last name is Michael, but most people call him Michael." She was a little concerned over the look on Maureen's face. "What's wrong?"

Maureen shrugged. Stan? Stan? "Nothing...he just seems familiar, that's all." She decided she would go get her own refill, to see him up close. Perhaps that would trigger something in her memory.

"Hi. I need a refill...water...please." She smiled at him and he smiled back. She noticed the name tag said 'Stan'. Suddenly, it dawned on her. Stanford. This was Mitchell Stanford, except that his mustache and goatee were gone. She was positive this was the young man in the pictures her Dad had all over their breakfast table the other night. Her heart began to pound rapidly.

"Sure. No problem." He smiled at her. He was very nice looking.

"My sister said she went to school with you. Mitchell, right?" She asked him. But, if it were him, why did Kathleen know him as someone else? Why did he say his name was something else?

"No. Michael." He seemed uneasy for some reason.

She decided not to say anything about 'Stan' being on his name tag. "Oh...well, sorry...must have misunderstood her." He handed her the water. "Thanks." She went back to Kathleen and sat down.

"Kathleen, I need to go talk to Dad. Wait here and try to keep an eye on your friend." She got up to leave.

"Maureen! Why? What is going on?" She was getting worried.

"I'm not sure. Something is not right. I just need to talk to Dad, okay. I won't be long." She took her coat and headed for the door.

"Maureen!" Kathleen exclaimed as her sister left her alone.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Tuesday, January 22, 11:30 a.m.**

"Hi, Maureen. Heard you were taking your old man out for lunch. What about your old Uncle?" Munch kidded with Maureen when he saw her coming into the squad room.

"Hey, Uncle John." She went to him and hugged him. He wasn't really her uncle, of course, but he had been around most of her life and seemed like he was family.

"Maureen. Thought I was meeting you two. Where's Kathleen?" Elliot looked up from his report.

"She's got us a table. Dad, can I see those picture of the Stanfords again?" She asked him

"Why?" He started looking for the Stanford file.

"I've got the file right here." Munch told them, picking it up and holding it out.

Maureen took it and opened it. She pulled some pictures out and found a couple with Mitchell Stanford. "Dad, there is a guy working at Bert's that Kathleen knows from Hudson and he says his name is Michael. But, Daddy, I really think it is Mitchell Stanford." She explained.

Munch and Elliot traded looks, knowing what this could possibly mean. Munch jumped up, came to Elliot's desk and sat on the corner. He spoke to Maureen. "Okay. Let's go over this again. Kathleen knows a guy working at Bert's. She said his name is Michael. But you think it is Mitchell Stanford."

"No. I am sure it is Mitchell Stanford, except he does not have a mustache or goatee. And another thing...his name tag says 'Stan'. He told Kathleen it was a nickname." Her eyes shifted between Munch and Elliot.

"That's easy enough to change. He shaved." Elliot's mind was asking a million questions. His eyes were narrowed as he looked at his daughter. "Are you sure it is him?"

"Yes, I am positive, Dad!" Maureen exclaimed.

"But, when would he have time to work there and the accounting firm? We saw the print out of his schedule. He pulls thirty hour weeks..." Munch did not want to jump to any conclusions.

"I don't know...maybe Cilano wasn't sure exactly when the kid was there...he said they had seventy plus employees..." Elliot reminded him.

"Maybe you're right. Liv eats at Bert's a good bit...so, if it is him working there...he would have the opportunity to tamper with her food. And 'Stan' could be short for 'Stanford'. Elliot, what if he gave a different name?" Munch was trying to put things together.

"And she gets drinks from there at least once a day...sometimes more. She has been a whole lot better since she hasn't been at work...come to think of it, she had gotten better the first time she was hospitalized and Cragen made her take a couple of extra days off..." Elliot remembered.

"Yea...she got better cause she wasn't eating or drinking anything from Bert's!" Munch jumped up. "What are we waiting for? Let's go talk to this guy!" Munch was half way out the door.

Elliot was right behind and soon caught up, passed him and led the way. Maureen trailed closely behind the two detectives.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Bert's Diner**

**Tuesday, January 22, 11:45 a.m.**

Kathleen saw her Dad, Maureen and Munch coming across the street. She got up and met them at the door. She had seen Michael go into the back of the diner and he had not come back out for at least five minutes, maybe longer.

"Hey, Kathleen...where is Michael?" Maureen asked as they met up.

"He went into the back a little while ago...hasn't been back out." She told them.

Elliot told the girls to stay put and motioned for Munch to go around to the back door in the alley and he went through the swinging door separating the kitchen from the front counter area.

"Hey, what you think you are doing! This is for employees only!" One of the cooks shouted at him as he came into the kitchen.

He flashed his badge at the guy. "Detective Stabler, NYPD. Looking for one of your employees...Stan...know where he is?"

"He was here a few minutes ago...saw him come back here...but you can see he ain't here now." The cook told him, glancing around the room.

"You got a manager here?" Elliot asked him, still looking around to see if he Stan was there

Munch came in the back way, shrugging his shoulders. "No sign of him out back."

"Uh...yea...that door on the right...that's the manager's office." The cook pointed at the back corner of the kitchen.

Munch and Elliot made their way back there. Munch knocked and they heard someone holler. "What is it?" Elliot opened the door and looked at the man sitting at a desk running numbers on a calculator.

"I'm Detective Stabler, NYPD. This is my partner, John Munch. We're looking for one of your employees...Stan...got any idea where he is?" Elliot told him.

"Bob Arnesen." He extended his hand to them. "What's he done?" He was checking a sheet of paper tacked to the wall. "He's on shift until 2:30. He should be out front."

"We just need to talk to him." Munch said.

Arnesen got up and walked through the kitchen with Munch and Elliot right behind. He went out front and spoke to girl working the counter.

"Janie...you know where Stan is?" He asked the young girl.

"He said something came up and he needed to leave. It's getting busy out here...need someone to help me." She told him.

"Mr. Arnesen...can you tell me if this is your employee?" Elliot held out the two pictures of Mitchell.

"Sure looks like him...but Stan is clean shaven. Looks like him, though." He nodded his head.

"What is his full name, Mr. Arnesen?" Munch asked, look over his glasses at him.

"Stan Michael. Why? Is it a fake name or something? He said he was student trying to earn money for college. He passed the drug test so I didn't see a reason to do any heavy background check on him." He explained.

"We think his name is Mitchell Stanford and we need to question him about his possible knowledge of a crime."

"Got a home address? Actually, we'll need any information you have on him." Elliot told him.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Tuesday, January 22, 4:30 p.m.**

The doctor had told Olivia to rest as much as possible for the next couple of days. Well, she was not good at resting and besides she had just rested for two and a half days in the hospital. There wasn't a lot to do around the apartment, but she had done a load of laundry and changed the sheets on her bed and made it up. She vacuumed and wiped down the bathroom and did some other little odd and end jobs to clean and tidy her home. She made some hot tea and sat down on her couch with a novel she had started reading months ago and tried to get interested. She could not. She read and reread the same page over and over and could not have told you anything on that page if her life depended upon it.

She kept thinking about Elliot and that she wanted to see him. She thought about all the things she heard him say while she was unconscious. She remembered how he held her hand, stroked her arm, caressed her cheek. She remembered his kisses and words of...yes...words of love. She thought perhaps it was all a dream. But then she remembered the look in his eyes and how they 'talked' like they used to and there was no doubt what his eyes said to her. She thought about that night at O'Reilly's when she told him how he has not been there for her lately. He made her promise they would finish their talk later. Later never came because she got sick and ended up in the hospital. She wondered what he would have to say if they did ever finish that talk.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Tuesday, January 22, 5:30 p.m.**

Munch and Elliot had gone to the address Arnesen had given them for Stan Michael's apartment, or whoever he was. He was not home and none of his neighbors remembered seeing him that day. They spent four and a half hours sitting across the street from the building, but he never showed up. Cragen called them in and after a brief meeting with the crew he told them all to go home and be back by 7:00 a.m. Wednesday morning. He never did eat lunch with the girls. In fact, he never ate at all.

Olivia had called Elliot while they were on the stake out, returning his call and they had talked briefly. He decided to call her before leaving the precinct. He wanted to see her, but did not want to drop in without asking if he could. He thought back to before, when they had been getting along, and how he would have just gone over and she would have let him in and neither of them would have given it a second thought.

They seemed to be getting along a whole lot better since her illness and hospitalization, but he knew that things between them were not what they used to be and that they both still were walking on eggshells. He was aware that their relationship was quite fragile at this point. He knew the wrong word or action could possible sever it while the right words and actions could continue to strengthen it, heal it. He looked forward to seeing her, spending some time alone with her. But, he did not want to chance finding Pierce there. He was in no mood to play nice and was afraid he would end up decking the guy. So, he opened his cell and dialed one.

"Hey, Liv. I was wondering if you'd mind if I dropped by for a little while? I mean, if you don't have plans or company or anything." He sat at his desk twirling a pencil between his fingers, hoping she would say it was okay.

"Uh...I guess...uh...sure...if you want." She was hesitant because she really wanted to see him, but she did not want him to come over because he felt obligated.

"You don't sound like you want me to...is Pierce there or something?" He knew her well enough to know something was off.

"No...no...I mean, no, Pierce called a while ago...they have some case they are going to be working late on...he won't be here. And, yes, I'd like you to come by...I just don't want you to feel like you have to, you know." She told him.

"Liv, you know I don't feel like I have to...I want to see how you are, okay? When's a good time for you?" He asked her, hoping it was soon.

"Whenever you get off...it's not like I am doing anything important." She chuckled.

"All right, then. Got to take care of couple things here, but I'll see you in about twenty to thirty minutes." He smiled as he closed his phone. He was going to see Olivia. He was surprised that the intense pounding of his heart was not echoing throughout the squad room.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_Whoa! You guys ARE still there! Thanks for all the reviews! And great ones, at that!!! And for taking the time. Guess I was just feeling a little down and now I am way pumped!! " ) Bensler_

**tamk3:**_ Concerning the containers that should have been checked - Good point! I guess the trash had already been picked up since it was Saturday morning that she had juice/tea from Bert's...she took tea back to the office...and it was not until late Saturday night they got the diagnosis. Or maybe she took her own mug and had it filled and then washed it out? No...no, she told him it was 'to go'. See, I _need _you guys to keep me straight! ") Bensler_


	10. Dynamics

**Chapter 10 - Dynamics**

**Benson Residence**

**Tuesday, January 22, 5:30 p.m.**

Twenty minutes...maybe thirty. She had time to take a quick shower, blow dry her hair, put on makeup and clean clothes. Being called out on a case so often during the middle of the night made it necessary to be able to do all of this quickly and she had it down to ten minutes. As soon as she hung up from talking to Elliot she ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower. Why was she even worried about showering? Or make up? Or what she was wearing? It was just Elliot. Just Elliot. Telling herself it was because she had been lying in a hospital bed for the last two and half days, sick, in her pajamas with no make up, made her feel a little better about her apprehension. She just wanted to look her best for a change. That's all. Yea, right. That's all.

When she got out of the shower, she went to her closet looking for something to wear. She changed clothes at least five times and chided herself for being so concerned with her appearance. She really was not that vain. So, she ended up wearing a pair snug fitting dark blue jeans and a gray NYPD t-shirt that was too big for her. She dried her hair, put on gold hoop earrings and just a touch of make up. As a last minute thought, she sprayed on just a hint of cologne. Twelve minutes. Not bad.

She was getting hungry. That was a good sign because she had not had much of an appetite in the last several weeks. She decided to call and order Chinese from My-Lings and order enough for both herself and Elliot. Chinese was their favorite food and My-Lings Wok their favorite Chinese restaurant. Looking around her apartment, she saw a few things she could pick up, straighten. She had already sort of clean it up when she got home earlier today. She lit a few candles just so there would be a nice fragrance in the air.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Driving to her place, the queasy feeling in Elliot's stomach got stronger with each passing mile. The perspiration from his hands made the steering wheel slippery and he kept wiping them up and down on his thighs in a futile attempt to dry them. His heart was racing to the point that he felt lightheaded. He was just going to see Liv, check on her and make sure she was doing okay. It was just Liv. She had been his partner and best friend for nearly nine years. It was not out of line to check on her well being, especially after all she had been through lately. So, why was he acting like this? Why was he so apprehensive about seeing her? Pulling up across from her building he spotted the detail car and the two cops inside. He did not recognize the one he could see on the driver's side. He pushed the button on the outside pad for Liv's apartment and wiped his hands on his pants again.

"Yes?" Liv's voice sounded stronger than it had in the last few days, but slightly out of breath.

"It's me." He heard the click signaling entry had been approved. His heart beat harder and faster.

Why was she so nervous? Her hands were sweaty, her knees felt weak and her stomach was in knots. What in the world was going on with her? This was Elliot. Her partner. Her best friend. A man she knew as well, if not better, than herself. So, why was she so fraught with anxiety? The minutes dragged by. It seemed each time she looked at the clock, only another minute or two had gone by and she could not quit looking at the clock. Her heart skipped several beats and began to beat so hard, she nearly passed out when the buzzer to downstairs finally sounded. It happened again when she heard the knock at her door.

**Benson Residence**

**Tuesday, January 22, 6:02 p.m.**

She looked through the peep hole and saw Elliot standing there. He had on his black woolen overcoat a dark brown suit visible beneath it. His dress shirt was a checkered medium green and his tie a solid green a couple of shades darker than his shirt. The tie was loosened and the top two buttons on his shirt undone. He looked good. She unlocked the door and opened it. He smiled at her as she swung the door wide for him to step inside.

"Hey, Liv. How are you feeling?" He asked as he looked her over.

She was dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt that was huge on her. She looked refreshed. She had on some make up and her natural coloring was once again in place. She looked amazingly healthy for all she had just been through. Actually, he thought she just simply looked amazing. She had the ability to make even in jeans and t-shirts look classy. She held the door open for him.

"Hey. Pretty good. In fact better than I have in weeks." She smiled at him, closed and locked the door and leaned against it.

He nodded at her. "I am so glad to hear that."

"So...I know you didn't tell Kathy you were coming over here..." She cocked her left eyebrow at him. "...did you?"

He laughed. "Yea, right. I've been spending a lot of time at work on this case...she won't think a thing about me being late or not coming home."

He removed his over coat and turned to hang it on one of the three hooks behind her door. Then he removed his tie and stuffed in the pocket of his suit coat and removed that as well. He just stood there for a minute, looking around the apartment and then at her. "So...uh...what did the doc tell you?"

"I have to go in every two days for them to check my kidneys and I have to monitor my...uh...well, you know. And I have to give myself those shots every four hours, but that is just through tomorrow." She started walking toward the living room and motioned for him to follow.

When she walked past him, he noticed the back of her t-shirt. He laughed. "What does Pierce think about you wearing my clothes?"

She turned to look at him, a puzzled expression on her face. "What do you mean?"

"You're wearing my t-shirt...it has my name across the back." He pointed out. No wonder it was so big on her. Cute, but big.

She pulled at the right shoulder enough that she could see 'LER' emblazoned on the back in dark blue letters. "Oh...I guess you must have left it here when we went running or something...I didn't notice it was yours when I put it on." The warm rush of heat on her face, let her know she was blushing. She smiled at him.

"Or you stole it from my locker." He smiled back. For some crazy reason, he liked her wearing his shirt. "I think you look better in it than me. So, what would he say if he saw you wearing it?" He pressed for an answer, as he rolled the sleeves up on his shirt.

"Mmmm...he would probably not like it..." She raised her eyebrows at him. "But, I have never worn it around him and now I know to be careful."

She sat down on the far corner of the couch and pulled her legs up under her. He followed her, laying his suit jacket across the back of the couch. He sat in the other corner, stretching his legs out in front of him, his left arm resting on the arm of the couch and his right across the back. They sat in awkward silence for several minutes. He had not told her about Bert's and why they were on a stake-out, only that it may be related to her case. He decided now was a good as any time to began filling her in on the Michael/Mitchell situation. When he finished, he sat there for a moment watching her face as she processed all the information.

"Do you remember him?" He showed her the photographs. "From Bert's? What about at the Stanfords'?"

Taking the pictures, her eyes narrowed as she scanned them, eyebrows knit together. "Yes. That is the guy that waited on me Saturday. I don't really remember him before that...he may have been there, but I talked to him that day. This is him. But, he did not have a beard. And, no, I don't remember him at all from the Stanfords...I was too...uh...angry."

Elliot smiled, remembering she was so angry about him pulling rank on her. "When we catch him, I want you to be there when we question him." He told her.

"Oh, I'll be there. I'm coming in tomorrow. Cragen already knows and he's agreed to let me in on the investigation, as long as I am not the lead detective." Her determination sounded in her voice.

"Think you're up for it?" Elliot was concerned she was trying to jump back in too soon.

"Got the doc's permission, Cragen's permission. Didn't realize I needed yours." She shot him a warning look.

"Hey..." He held up his hands in surrender. "Fine by me."

She looked back at the pictures. "Do you really think it was him and not Marty? He seems so normal and he's so young...and he was so friendly..."

"Trust me, Liv. If he did this, and he is sure looking good for it, he is one twisted psycho." He took the pictures back and put them in his inside jacket pocket. "We're gonna find who did this to you, Olivia!"

The buzzing of the doorbell caught them both off guard. Elliot immediately went on the defense, figuring it was Pierce. Olivia jumped. But then ran to the kitchen counter and picked up some money lying there.

"Hope you're hungry. I ordered Chinese." She grinned at him as she went to the door and opened it to a bag laden Asian boy. She gave him the money plus a tip and took all the bags.

"I'm starving! Please say it is from My-Lings and please say I can eat it with a fork..." Elliot smiled and they both laughed at the inside joke.

He came over and took all but one of the bags from her and took them to the kitchen. "Broccoli beef? Sesame chicken? Mmmm...smells so good. Hear that rumbling? It's not thunder. I missed lunch with all the mess at Bert's. There better be lots of egg rolls! This is great, Liv. "

He got two plates down and opened several cartons. She got a couple of serving spoons and put them in the cartons. As she unwrapped the two pairs of chopsticks and laid them on napkins at the small dining table, Elliot frowned.

"Hey, I thought I get to use a fork tonight?" He pointed toward the chopsticks, as he ate half of an egg roll in one bite..

"I never agreed to that. You know the rule...you have to at least try to eat with the chopsticks." She winked at him.

He groaned as he brought the plates to the table. "What do you have to drink?"

"Probably not much..." She told him.

He opened the refrigerator. "Nothing but bottled water?" He looked in the bottom drawers. In fact, the only other things in the frig were a bottle of mustard, a molded block of cheese and half a jar of pickles. "Liv...you really need to go grocery shopping." He brought two bottles of water to the table, twisted the caps loose on both, setting one before each plate.

They sat across from one another, eating. Elliot had tried the chopsticks for about five minutes without much success, as usual. "Liv, I am starving...you gotta let me have a fork." He begged, giving her his best little boy look with sad blue eyes.

She laughed at him. "Look...this is how to hold them..." She showed him again for the five hundredth time.

He tried, really he did. He just could not get it. "I think I am losing weight...I really need to eat..."

Liv finally got up, went to the drawer by the sink and came back with a fork. "There you go, you big baby. But, we are going to try this again after you have had some nourishment to build up your strength!" She playfully popped him on the shoulder.

They ate the rest of their meal in virtual silence. It was not exactly awkward, but neither was it like the comfortable silences they used to share before things got off track between them. Olivia would watch him as he cut his food, noticing how the muscles in his hand and arm flexed and twisted with each movement. He had such big, strong hands. She noticed he did not have on his wedding band. In fact, she had noticed he had never put it back on after he went back to Kathy. She wondered what the significance of that was...or if there was any significance to it at all. The sleeves on his green dress shirt were rolled up past his forearms. They seemed to always be rolled up. Half of his Marine tattoo was visible on his right forearm and it made her think of the tattoo on his left arm, the crucifix that extended from his shoulder to the bend of his arm. That made her think of him without his shirt on, which made her think she need to quicky stop thinking along these lines. She turned her concentration back to her meal.

When she wasn't looking, Elliot would steal glances at her...memorizing everything about her. The way she held her fork; how long and slender her fingers were; how her lips pursed as she chewed her food; how often she took a swig of water. How she would brush the bangs out of her face only to have them fall over her right eye again, hiding it behind the curtain of hair. How the light reflected off her silken chestnut hair. The fact that watching her eat dinner held his attention, made him realize he had it bad for her. He would be lost without her...he had been lost without her when she was just a floor above him in computer crimes and again, when she was three thousand miles away in Oregon. Without her, he would be utterly and totally lost, whether he lost her because she left him, because their friendship splintered or because, God forbid, she died. He shook his head to chase away that last thought and was not even aware that he had done so.

"Why are you shaking your head? Something wrong with the food?" Liv's expression was curious.

"I...uh...I didn't realize...I was trying to...quit thinking about..." He was grasping for words to explain something that really should be left unsaid.

"About what?" She was really curious now. And you know what they say about curiosity...it killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

"Nothing." He felt warmth creeping up his neck and onto his face. He hoped she would just drop it.

Was he blushing, she thought? He was. His face was suddenly noticeably red. That was interesting. What exactly had he been thinking? She filed it away in her mind to work on later. She stared at him for a long couple of minutes, then changed the subject.

"Okay. I think you have eaten enough to ward off starvation, but I know you can always eat more...so..." She scooped a pile of vegetable fried rice onto his plate and on top of that a pile of beef and broccoli. "...get those chopsticks and let's try this again."

"Ah, come on, Liv...do I have to? You know I am no good at this." He whined, tilting his head to the side.

"Elliot Stabler, quit whining! You sound just like little boy!" She laughed at him as she handed him his chopsticks.

"You put this finger right here and hold them towards the end, and not in the middle or the front third of the sticks." She showed him by holding hers like she wanted him to do.

When he had them in his hand properly, she continued. "Hold the upper chopstick with the index finger, the middle finger, and the thumb...sort of like holding a pencil. Then you put the other chopstick between the bottom of your thumb and the tip of your ring finger. See, like this." She showed him and he tried to mimic her actions.

She expertly picked up a mouthful of rice and a piece of broccoli and brought it to her mouth. He managed to get a pile on the sticks, but it all fell off before he got it half way to his mouth. She laughed at him and he shot her a menacing look.

"No wonder most orientals are so thin! They don't get enough to eat!" He had leaned back in his seat, his arms crossed over his chest. His mock anger made her laugh all the more.

"How many times have we gone over this, El? The tips of the sticks have to line up or it just isn't going to work. Here...let's try it this way." She got up and went over to him.

Uncrossing his arms, he sat back up. He had one of the sticks in his hand and surprisingly, was holding it correctly. Leaning around him, she placed the other stick between his fingers and wrapped her hand around his so she could move the stick for him by putting pressure on his fingers.

The warmth of her hand on his caused a jolt of electricity to shoot up his arm, over his shoulder and through his body. She was leaning so close to him, he could smell her perfume and whatever it was, it smelled great.

"Move the upper chopstick only when you pick up food...like this..." She put pressure on his hand and the chopstick moved and she had a mouthful of food at his lips and he opened his mouth for it.

Her hand was still on his and as he chewed the food and swallowed. Their eyes met and locked. Blue on brown. Blue like the ocean...so deep, she could dive into them, drown in their depths and never find her way out again. Liquid brown, like pools of melted chocolate...eyes he could stare into forever, fully satisfied by their warmth and kindness. His cologne filled the air around her and the heat from his shoulder, arm and hand radiated through her. She felt her breath hitch and her heart rate rapidly increasing. She became so still she was not sure she was even breathing. He reached to cover her hand with his other hand and looked up into her face, his eyes searching hers, then dropping to her lips and back to her eyes as he leaned closer to her. At that moment, self-preservation kicked in and she pulled her hand away and stood up straight. She needed to put some distance between them. She thought he was going to kiss her. No. He _was_ going to kiss her. That could not happen. Not now.

"Anyway, that is how you use chopsticks..." Her voice was shaky, barley above a whisper as she moved back to her side of the table.

She smiled at him, but, was not sure it was really a smile at all. She thought terror might be a more accurate description of how she felt and was sure she was unsuccessful at hiding it from her face. She could not hide anything from him, anyway. When he looked at her, he squinted his eyes just a bit, raised his head with his chin jutting out, as his lips slowly curled into that annoying smirk of his, that quickly spread across his whole countenance. She wanted to smack him one. He looked irritatingly pleased with himself and she was certain she knew why. Because she knew him. And she knew he knew her and he knew that she wanted him to kiss her. He was pleased with himself that he had that power over her and knew it. He knew she was terrified, too. She hated him for knowing. And she was angry at herself for being so transparent, even if he was the only one who had ever been able to read her.

Elliot knew all he had to do was pull her to him and it would be over. There would be no resistance. The years of wondering, of dreaming, of wishing, of hoping would all be over because he would finally know what it was to kiss her. He leaned forward to do just that, but, hesitated a second too long and lost his chance. She was quicker and pulled away before he could complete his action. He knew by the look in her eyes, a mixture of confusion, desire, terror...yep, she was terrified...he knew that she wanted him to kiss her at least as much as he wanted to kiss her. He watched as she retreated back to her chair, the table becoming a barrier of safety between them, protecting her. Perhaps, he thought vaguely, they both needed that protection. It was then that his senses kicked in, too. A little late, but there, nonetheless. He was married. He had no right to think about kissing her, let alone actually try or actually do it. He needed to get control of this situation. Or he needed to get out of the situation. Soon.

"Well, I'll try to remember these instructions and give it another shot next time we have Chinese." He smiled at her, holding up his chopsticks.

"Good. At least you aren't giving up." She began closing up the cartons.

Taking her lead, he began closing cartons, too. He took them and put them in the refrigerator, as she picked up their plates and took them to the sink and began rinsing them to load into the dishwasher. He got a kitchen cloth and wiped the table. Bringing the cloth back to the sink, he again noticed 'Stabler' across the back of the t-shirt she was wearing and smiled to himself. He leaned around her to rinse the cloth in the running water and he was, once again, dangerously close to her. Folding the cloth and laying it to the side of the sink, he sensed the sudden tension in her body.

Leaning even closer to her, he whispered in her ear. "Olivia, I wish you knew how much you scared me and how glad I am that you are better..." He could not help it. He had to touch her. He took his left hand and gently wrapped it around the back of her neck at the crook of her shoulder and squeezed it lightly a couple of times. For just a mere second, he felt her lean into him, but in the next second she jerked away, stepping back and wiping her wet hands on her jeans. Her eyes were wide, she was shaking her head and opening and closing her mouth, but no words came forth.

"What?" He asked her, holding his hands out in question. He knew what, but he wanted her to say it.

Her breathing was rough and deep. He could see her chest rising and falling so rapidly he worried she may hyperventilate. "What are you doing?" Confusion reigned in her expression. Her voice was quiet.

"What do you mean? I'm not doing anything." He leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms.

"You...you know what. You...touched me...we don't...we don't do that, Elliot. We...we don't touch. Not like that." Her voice was so low he had to strain to hear her. She took another step back from him.

The expression on his face was one of amusement and he just shrugged because he knew what she meant, but he did not care anymore. He was so sick of pretending not to feel things that basically consumed him. He was tired of pretending that he could ignore her and she would quietly slip away from his life, from him. Without repercussion. When, in fact, she was so ingrained in his being that he knew he would never be completely free from her. If she moved half the world away, she would still be there, within him. Infusing his thoughts, haunting his dreams, controlling his emotions, consuming his life. And the thing was, he did not want to be free from her. She had become a part of him, slowly, without him even noticing or realizing that it happened. She had become the air he breathed, the ground that gave him stability, the very beat of his heart. He would not be able to function without her. And there was nothing he could do about it.

"Why is that? Why don't we touch, Liv?" He asked her softly. "Why have we always been so careful not to, huh?"

"We are not having this conversation!" She was shaking her head and holding her hands up, palms facing him. "No way!"

She was so confused. Before he came over, she planned to ask him about all the things she remembered, or thought she remembered, in the hospital. Did her really kiss her hands, stroke her cheek tenderly? Did Maureen tell her she hoped someone would love her like her Dad loved Liv? Had she heard him right when he called her 'baby', 'sweetheart' and 'honey'? Did he really say he was in love with her? She had planned to finally tell him how she felt, because the thought of something happening to him or her without her ever telling him, without him ever hearing it, knowing, had become too much for her to bear. Now, she was absolutely filled with terror when he attempted to show her how he felt. Now, she just wanted to do what she had always done...what it seemed she did best whenever someone...whenever he got too close. Run.

She started out of the kitchen. She was not sure where she thought she could go, but she was not staying in that small kitchen with him. Mistake number one...the fact that she had to walk closer to him to get out of the kitchen did not register in her confused, frightened mind. As she passed him, he reached out and grabbed her by her left wrist, pulling her back toward him, leaving mere inches between them. Shock kept her from reacting and pulling away from him. Keeping her head tilted down toward the floor, she refused to look at him. It would be too dangerous to connect with him that way, to hear in his eyes the words, she now knew, they both held in their hearts.

"You are not running away, Liv." He paused. "Tell me why we have always been so careful not to touch. Tell me." She felt his warm breath moving through her hair as he spoke. It sent shivers throughout her entire body.

She felt the intensity of his gaze and the whispering rumble of his voice tugged at her heart. It was too much to ignore, to resist. Mistake number two...she slowly lifted her head, bringing her eyes to meet his. When she did, he pulled her close, erasing the space between them and held her to him. He did not try to kiss her. He just held her. One strong hand against her lower back and the other at the base of her head, lightly running his fingers through her hair. She was rigid and tense in his arms for only seconds before she gave in and melted into his embrace, putting her arms around him under his arms. Laying her head against his chest, she could hear his racing heart beat. Hers was beating just as fast and it was making her lightheaded. Or maybe it was just being so close to him.

The feeling that came over him when he pulled her to him and she responded by hugging him back was indescribable. He had never felt like this in his entire life. It was as though he had been missing a piece of himself all along, yet never knew it until he found it. Never knew it until he felt it slide into place, her slide into place and complete him. That hug they had experienced in the hospital after the car accident...it was wonderful, but, it could not compare to this one. He was not sure why this was different. Maybe because he had more time to think about his feelings. Maybe because of the additional things and tension that had been between them recently. Maybe because this time he realized how very close he came to really losing her. She could have died from the poisoning. He really didn't know what made it different. It just was. He never wanted to let her go.

"Liv...I...we...never finished that talk...at O'Reilly's..." He found himself having to work past his emotions to form words and then force them out through his suddenly very constricted throat.

She did not want to talk right now. She just wanted to enjoy the feeling of his arms around her, the sound of their hearts beating together, the warmth of his body against hers, the smell of his cologne, soap, fabric softener, and him as the fragrant mixture filled each breath she took. She wanted to drown in those ocean blue eyes. She wanted to memorize everything she felt and smelled and saw and heard. No, she did not want to talk. For the first time ever in her life, she felt safe. She felt complete. She felt content. All she wanted was just to be held in his arms. She would stay here forever, if she could.

"Did you hear me? We really need to talk, Liv. I need to talk...to tell you some things I should have told you a long time ago..." His voice was a low whisper as he kissed the top of her head.

"I hear you...I don't want to talk...I just want to be here...in your arms." She spoke softly into his chest, her warm breath heating his skin through his shirt.

Her words made his heart jump and he smiled. "Okay...okay. Then, I'll talk...you can listen. How's that?" He murmured to her.

"Mmmm...okay..." She burrowed deeper into his chest and hugged him tighter.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_The reviews are so awesome, I want to become a full time author! Maybe I will submit my story to Dick! LOL!! " ) Bensler_

**MegMann:** _Glad you are over the pneumonia._

**Benslerfan and others who think they know who the perp is**: _"You never know!" Evil laughter erupts from the author, as she types the last line._

**svulover15:** _Thanks for noticing 'the lack of spelling and grammatical errors'. One of my major pet peeves, is the amount of misspelling, misuse of words and grammatical errors, I find when reading other material...even newspapers and mags. I am actually astounded by the number of people who cannot seem to form coherent sentences when writing, including some who are very high level professionals. But, you know what? No matter _how_ many times I read and re-read, I _still_ find a few errors after I post the chapter!!_

**LivNel4ever**: _I know, I know. About the E/K thing. But, hey, they are married!_


	11. Difference

**Chapter 11 - Difference **

**Benson Residence**

**Tuesday, January 22, 7:40 p.m.**

Olivia said she just wanted to be here, in his arms. Elliot could not begin to describe how that made him feel. The woman he had loved from afar for the better part of eight years and had dared to pull into his arms, wanted to be there. Wanted to feel his arms around her. Did not want him to let her go. He could not believe she was willing to admit that, because by doing so, it meant there were other things, just below the surface, whether or not she was willing to admit to them right now. He knew that she would sooner or later. Yes, she would. Right now, she just wanted to be held. She did not want to talk, so he would. He would attempt to explain his very complicated feelings for her.

"I don't really know where to begin..." He sighed, running both of his hands through her hair. "All those things you said about me not being there for you...you know, the bomb with your name on it, when you got cut by the comic book pyscho, the accident, Cooper...you were right. I wasn't there for you. But, not for the reason you think. Not because I no longer cared, or quit caring... No, Liv. That was not why. I just...when Kathy got pregnant...I...well, when I went back to her...I knew that...I couldn't...it wasn't fair to you that I took up so much of your time, that I...Liv, I knew I had to let you go. I had to let you be free to make your own life. Olivia we had become so entangled that I knew somehow I had to separate myself from you because I knew you would never be able to do it." He pulled her back from him to look into her eyes. Then pulled her to him again.

"I didn't know how to tell you that I was trying to do what I thought was best for you..." He started again.

She could not let that go by without comment. "Since when do you get to decide what is best for me?" She asked, incredulous that he even said something like that to her.

"Let me try to explain. After Gitano, you agree that we both pretty much admitted to feelings we should not have had?" Closing his eyes, as he asked her.

Simply nodding in agreement, she did not respond verbally.

"Okay...I had decided not to go back to Kathy...I planned to talk to you...well, then she showed up at the precinct and told me she was pregnant. Liv, if you had any idea how that devastated me...I mean, you know I love Eli and would not trade him for the world...but Liv, I had made up my mind that I could not go back to Kathy...not when I did not love her like I should. Not when...I...not when there was someone else I really wanted to be with. I was going to tell you that weekend. Then Tuesday she comes in and drops that on me. I know, I know...I should never have slept with her...it was just...you know afer Royce killed his family...I had to see my kids...and when I went to leave the house...Kathy...she knew I needed help...she was there...she comforted me the only way she knew how...and I...I paid for it...am paying for it still. A lot of people are paying for it..." He pulled her away from him again, took her by the hand and led her to the living room.

He sat down on the couch and pulled her down next to him and put his left arm around her and took her right hand in his right hand.

"Comfortable?" He asked her, kissing the top of her head.

She snuggled close to him. "Very." How quickly it became okay for them to touch, amazed her.

He shook his head. "Liv, honest to God, I don't what I was thinking...I mean, I didn't have anything to offer you...I was married...still married...I had four kids...five now...I don't have money...I'm nobody..."

She interrupted him. "Elliot, you are not 'nobody'...you're my best friend...you are more important to me than anyone in my life. Please don't say you are nobody." She squeezed his hand as she looked up at him.

He nodded and smile. "Okay...but I can't give you what you deserve and I thought if I ignored you and acted like I didn't care, that you would get sick of me and just go your own way, live your own life. I thought that somehow that wouldn't hurt as much as if I just told you what I was doing. When in reality, I simply could not tell you, could not set you free. I didn't have the guts to do that." He leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he started again.

"When that bomb destroyed the squad room, I didn't know you weren't in there. I hollered for you, screaming your name...and then someone said you had just walked out before the explosion. Even so, when I saw you come back in, it took everything in me not to run to you and look you over to make sure you were not hurt. I wanted to hold you and tell you then how much I cared. Later when I heard the call go out on the scanner that you had been attacked in your home, oh, Olivia, I...nearly passed out when I heard your voice calling for help. And when I saw that guy...I wanted to pick up where you left off on that beating. I couldn't bring myself to look at your injury or acknowledge it because I knew that I definitely would have gone off on that jerk!" His breathing picked up and she tell he was getting upset just thinking about it.

"El, it's okay...I'm okay." Her words were soft, her steady gaze locked on him. She rubbed both of her hands over his, gently caressing his strong, rough fingers.

Almost instantly, he felt himself calming down. She was the one in his life that could make a difference in him. All she had to do was touch him, call him by his nickname, and she had control.

"Yea, no thanks to me. I'm your partner, Liv, but I've done nothing but let you down over the last year and you just keep giving me another chance. I'm a sorry excuse for a partner...and I don't blame you for wanting another partner, wanting to work with Lake or Fin or Munch..."

"I don't want another partner. You had a lot going on, Elliot. I knew that...and because things weren't good between us, I thought maybe you wanted a break from me...and because of the things we said after Gitano...well, I was upset about you going back...I mean, I thought that we...uh...I needed some distance and Cragen had noticed we were off...heck, everyone around us noticed...so, he was more than willing to mix us up a bit." She paused, watching their fingers twining and untwining. "But, I'll never want another partner, El. Never."

He hugged her tight and let her go again. "You were the first one I thought of when Fin told me there was an accident. I knew Kathy was with you, but, I...I couldn't help what came to my mind first...and it was you, Liv. I have analyzed it again and again...I feel guilty that I didn't think of Kathy first, but why would I, when you are the one that is most important to me. When we were in the chopper Cragen called and told us you were okay...no real injuries. Liv, I was so...so relieved...I...I br..br..broke down...and...and cried...right in front of Fin...I told him I would kill him if he ever said anything about it." They both chuckled at the thought of him threatening Fin. She was very touched that he cried about her and especially that he could admit it.

"So, when I saw you in the hospital...I already knew you were okay...I didn't brush you off not knowing how you were, Liv...but I knew that if I stopped to talk with you...I...I would come apart at the seams...and I could not risk that. I mean, how would I explain to Kathy why I was having a total breakdown over you and not her and the baby...I knew I would probably do or say something I shouldn't...I had to act like I did...but then, I was so overwhelmed...I had to hug you, even if it was just for a few seconds. Olivia...Olivia...I wish I had the words to make you understand what you mean to me...how much I...I..." The words would not come out. They were choked by the sob that tore from his throat instead.

Olivia's heart was breaking at the sight and sound of Elliot sobbing. She had seen him cry several times before, but never like this. These were gut wrenching sobs coming from him and each one tore at her heart. She turned and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, their roles reversed as she now held him. She felt the warm tears flowing down her face and mingling with his. She was astounded by all he had told her tonight. Some of it she had dreamed of, hoped for, but never truly expected it to be true. Some of it surpassed her wildest dreams. Her partner, her best friend loved her much more than she could have ever believed. No, he had not come out and told her that in those words. But, still there was not even a hint of doubt in her mind that he did. And whether or not he would ever say it out loud to her, she was ready to tell him. She was tired of keeping it a secret. Tired of pretending he meant nothing more than her partner, her best friend to her.

Taking his face in her hands, she looked deep into his crystal blue eyes, red rimmed from crying, tears still cascading down his face. She gently wiped the tears away with her thumbs. As she looked into those gorgeous eyes that she had spent hours looking into over the years, she saw something she knew was always true, something she was always reluctant to admit. In his eyes, she saw everything she needed, everything she wanted, everything that was her life. She saw her soul mate, the complimentary piece that had always been missing from her life. She saw the man she would go to her grave loving. She knew what she felt and she was ready for him to know without a doubt. No more wishing, wondering, waiting. That thing between them that was just below the surface and had struggled for validation, was about to be set free.

Still holding his face and staring into his eyes, she tried to tell him the things she needed him to understand. To know. "I don't know when it happened...or how...I mean, I tried so hard not to...not to let my feelings get out of control. You were off limits and then when Kathy left you and with Gitano and CCSU, I kept hoping you would make a move. And, when...when you never...did, I decided that maybe I had read you wrong and you did not feel for me the way I did you. Then I went undercover to Oregon and when I got back I saw how you were with Dani...I was so jealous...so angry...but when I came back to SVU, you acted like you didn't even care if I was back or not..."

"Liv, I was so hurt, so furious that you had left me again without saying goodbye...and I had to go months, months without seeing you, hearing your voice, not even knowing if you were okay...Olivia, I couldn't just pick up where we had left off when you came back...you gotta understand that!" He pleaded with her.

"I do understand, but you have to understand how you hurt me...you seemed so laid back with Dani, like it was easy being with her and you kept bringing her up, like every two minutes, when you and I were always...well, it was never easy for us...and I died a little each day when you brushed me off. It took along time but we were starting to fall back in sync, starting to be okay again...and then...then you went back.. That day in the courthouse, when you told me Kathy was pregnant, I knew we would never be the same again. And when you went back home, God, El...I don't think I ever hurt like that, or felt such pain in my entire life. You gotta know...and I am going to say it out loud...I have to. Do you know what my last thought was before I passed out, Elliot? It was that I had something to tell you before I died. I honestly did not think I was going to have that chance...well, I've been given another chance."

Taking a deep breath, she spoke the words she had never spoken to anyone and meant. The words were softly whispered to him, her eyes never leaving his. "El, I love you. Not just as a partner and best friend. I am in love with you. Totally and completely."

"Liv...Liv, I'm in love with you, too. I love you so much!" He pulled her to him and just before his lips crashed down into hers, she put her fingers to his mouth.

"No, El. No. We can't." She pulled away from him and out of his embrace. She was breathing very hard, her heart pounded. She wanted to run to him, hold him, be held by him, kiss him and be with him forever. But, that was not going to happen. She was not going to be the other woman, even if she already was emotionally.

He tried to pull her back to him, but she was insistent. She stood up, walked away, her back to him, running her hands through her hair and stopped. A minute later, she turned around to face him again, crossing her arms. He was sitting on the very edge of the couch as though he were ready to stand, too. The look on his face was mostly confusion mixed with uncertainty.

"We finally put spoken words to this thing that has been between us for so long. Now there is no doubt about out feelings for one another. We don't have to guess, or wonder, because now we know. We knew before, without words and maybe we will find we should have left it that way. I...I don't...don't know. But, I do know that we can not act on these words, El. Just because we said them, it makes no difference, because we can not act on them. You are married and if you stepped out on Kathy you would never be able to forgive yourself...you would end up resenting and hating me for letting you..."

"Liv..." He stood up and went toward her, despair filling his countenance. He was nauseous, his heart pounding so hard it throbbed in conjunction with the splitting stabs of pain in his head. In the same instant that he was finally assured of her love, it was snatched away, as though the whole confession were nothing more than a horribly cruel joke.

She took a step back and held up her hands at him. "No. We are not going to do anything. It has to be enough to know...we have to be satisfied with that, El. We have to And we have to find a way to go on and live our lives."

Tears had formed in her eyes and now spurted over her eyelids and down her face. She wiped them away with the palms of her hands, but as just as quickly new ones took their place. As he helplessly watched her, his own tears began streaming down his face. Sniffling, he angrily wiped at them.

"You're kidding me, right?" He could barely get the words out around the lump in his throat. "How...how can we say...all...all these things to each other and just...just walk away? Liv, how?"

"We just do it, Elliot. We...have..." She stopped as the lump in her throat gripped the words she had formed and held them captive. Her heart felt like it was about to explode from the pain within it.

"I...I can't, Liv...I can't...walk...away...not anymore..." His voice was cracking, breaking as his tears flowed in rivers down his face.

She could not hold it in any longer. The pain was unbearable. Her heart was in shreds and the sobs tore from her like they were being ripped from her throat. She had to get away from him, out of this apartment. She could not breath, she felt as though she was going to throw up. She need fresh air and distance. Distance between them. She bolted for the door but no sooner than she had it opened several inches, it was violently slammed shut, the sound loudly echoing in her ears and through the small apartment. Elliot had quickly moved to block her escape, his right hand made contact with the door, coming to rest on the right side of her face. She froze. Seconds later, his left hand came up by the left side of her face and he stood behind her, not touching her, but still so close she felt the heat coming from his body. She could not do this. They could not do this. Be this close.

"Olivia..." He breathed her name into her ear.

She squeezed her eyes shut, willed her heart to slow down and her lungs to inhale, exhale. Her hand was still on the door knob and when she opened her eyes, she saw that her arm was shaking. It was then she realized it was her whole body trembling.

"El...don't..." Her voice did not sound like her own. "Please...we...you...you have to go..."

"Liv, I can't do this...I can't just leave you...it's like I just got you and then...then you are taken away..." His voice, still right in her ear, was so low it made her stomach rumble.

"Elliot...please...there has already been too much pain..." She wasn't even sure what she was trying to tell him anymore. She just needed him to leave or she had to leave before they did something they would both regret.

"Liv...Liv..." The sigh that he expelled was full of sorrow. He roughly pulled her to him, her back against his chest, his arms around her waist and quickly kissed the top of her head and her right temple. "Olivia Benson, I love you..."

He released her, stepped back to get his jacket off the couch and walked to the door where she was still standing. She turned to look at him. Their eyes locked, just briefly. Long enough for her to see the pain and agony in his red rimmed blue eyes. Long enough for him to see the crushing hurt and hopelessness that filled her dark brown ones, shimmering with unshed tears. He reached around her to open the door and stepped out into the hallway. They were still looking at one another. Breaking their gaze, he turned and headed to the stairway. She slowly closed the door and fell against it. "I love you, too, Elliot Stabler. I love you, too."

**SVU Squad Room**

**Tuesday, January 22, 10:10 p.m.**

It had been just over an hour since he left Olivia's. He'd called Kathy and told her he had too much to look over and was just going sleep in the crib. She didn't get mad and holler, like he expected, but he could tell she was not happy about him not coming home. Just minutes ago, she had called his desk phone on the pretense of saying goodnight. He knew it was to check that he really was at the station, otherwise she would have called his cell. He had never done anything that should have made her suspicious of him, but from time to time she would do things like this and he knew, he knew she was checking up on him. A few times he even called her out on it. Not that it served any real purpose other than to let her know he was aware of what she was trying to do. And start a big argument.

Tonight it did not matter if he went home or stayed at the precinct. Anywhere he laid his head to sleep tonight would be useless. Sleep would not come tonight, or possibly ever again from this night forward. At the rate he was going, he may never do anything ever again except think of Olivia Benson and the things they had said to one another tonight. How could she ever believe he could just move on and, how did she put it... 'go on and live our lives'? He couldn't. He had been living a lie for years, too many to even count and he was no longer willing to do what was necessary to maintain that lie. He was weary of it and keeping up the facade was wearing him down even more. He had to do something to change things.

**Benson Residence**

**Tuesday, January 22, 10:20 p.m.**

Splashing the cold water on her face, she watched her reflection in the mirror as drops of water slid down dripping from her chin and cheeks. Her eyes were puffy and face was blotchy. The smeared mascara and eye liner made her look like she had been in a fight with two black eyes to show for it. She took a cloth and cleaned off the remaining makeup. She had finally quit crying. Elliot had been gone about thirty minutes before she was finally able to get hold of her emotions. So, many things had been said between them. So, many things to process. Why couldn't things between them be easy instead of so complicated? The downstairs buzzer sounded, causing her to jump. She looked toward the annoying sound and it buzzed again. Had he come back? After she told him they could not do this, had he come back to tempt fate? Shakily, she made her way to the intercom, becoming more apprehensive with each buzz. "Yes? Who is it?" She asked in a weak voice.

"Olivia, it's me." A deep voice came over the speaker.

"What are you doing here?" She wasn't very good at hiding the irritation she felt.

"You gonna let me in or not?" He asked.

She pressed the release button and stood staring at the door. Three minutes later, the knock came. She opened the door. Stepping in, he grinned at her, took her in his arms and kissed her right on the mouth.

"Mmmm...I have thought about doing that all day long, babe. Haven't seen you since bringing you home this morning...I've missed you." Pierce kissed her again on the cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Good...tired, but good." She smiled and took him by the hand to sit on the couch.

"You look a little...I don't know...have you been crying?" The concerned expression on his face made her soften a bit.

"Just thinking about everything that has happened..." She offered. It was not a lie, but not the truth as he thought it. She knew he would think she was upset over the poisoning, when it was really Elliot.

"Okay...well...what have you done to pass the day? I know how you hate being cooped up." He glanced around the apartment. "Did some cleaning, huh?"

"Yea, a little cleaning, straightening up. Even read a little. Are you hungry? There's some left over Chinese..." She motioned toward the kitchen.

"Chinese? Well, not really hungry...Barry brought sandwiches in a couple of hours ago. Thanks, though." He smiled at her, looking her over. "I wouldn't mind something to drink...what do you have?" He started to get up from his seat.

"No, no. I'll get it. You've done enough for me today. All I have is bottled water..." She got up and went to the kitchen.

It was then that he noticed the back of her t-shirt. He felt the anger rise in him as quickly as his stomach dropped to the floor. He was not sure quite what to make of it or how to address it. All he knew was that it was not going by with comment or challenge. He got up and followed her to the kitchen. Twisting the cap, she turned and handed him the bottle of water.

"I told you I would get it..." She smiled at him as he took it from her.

He was not smiling back. A slight frown crossed her face as she looked at him curiously. He took a long swallow, capped it and set the bottle on the counter.

He nodded toward her, before speaking. "Nice shirt." Now, he was smiling but only his lips. There was no hint of a smile in his eyes.

Oh, no. She remembered the shirt she was wearing. She had not expected Pierce to come back over so late and she had forgotten about having Elliot's shirt on. "What?" She knew what, but that was the only word that came to mind because she was thinking mainly of damage control.

"Your shirt...well, I guess it's actually Stabler's shirt...since it has his name across it...but why are you wearing it...why do you even have his shirt?" He did not like the implications of her having one of his shirts. He was positive there could be no innocent reason for it being in her possession or on her body.

"Well, obviously he left it here at some point and..." She was determined to be calm. She had done nothing wrong.

"I get that. But why would he have left it here?" He demanded.

"We run together early in the morning or after work sometimes. He must have worn it, taken it off and left here accidentally." She shrugged. She could tell he was mad and that made her mad.

"But why would he have taken it off?" His voice was tight with the anger he was trying to contain.

"Maybe he wore two shirts, maybe he had a wife beater underneath, maybe he was hot and just took the thing off. I don't know! I don't remember! It just ended up in my drawer, I pulled it out and wore it without even seeing it was his." She explained. She was working at evening out her breathing. "If we are going to fight ...it's time for you to go home. I am too tired to fight, Pierce, especially over a t-shirt." She shook her head and walked back to sit on the couch.

Okay...okay. He could accept that explanation...maybe. "Look, I'm sorry...I just...I guess I'm a little jealous, that's all." He walked to her and sat down putting his arms around her to hug her close.

"Jealous, why?" She supposed she knew why but since there was no chance of her and Elliot being together, she decided to pretend like she had no feelings for anyone but Pierce. But she was not at all sure what she felt for him. She liked being with him, liked how he treated her and he was great looking, but she was not sure she would ever be in love with him or love him at all. Not when her heart belonged to someone else.

"Liv, you know why...we talked about it before...all the rumors...and..." He started.

"Pierce, if you can't trust me, then we really have no basis for a relationship. Either you trust me or you don't." She stood up and crossed her arms, looking down at him.

He stood up, too, and pulled her into his arms again, kissing her face, eyelids, cheeks, nose, forehead and finally, he took her lips with his and really kissed her. "I do trust you, Olivia." When he pulled her against him once again in a hug, he was looking out into her apartment. At that moment, something caught his eye. He released her from his hold, and walked to the door. Or rather, the hooks behind the door that held Liv's black leather jacket and a bigger, longer woolen coat. A man's coat.

Picking it up, he held it out to her. "Care to explain this? It's too big to be yours and it was not there this morning when I hung up your jacket."

The anger quickly became a seething entity within him; one he was barely able to control. He could not swear it was Elliot's but he knew he had one like it and he was the most likely person to have been at Olivia's.

Staring at him, she had no excuse for the coat other than the truth. She could tell by the heave of his chest and the vein that was pulsating in his neck, that he was mad. Angry. She really did not want to fight. She would tell the truth and if he could not handle it...well, that would be too bad.

"It's Elliot's. He came by after work and forgot his overcoat when he left." She shrugged, staring him right in the eye as she spoke.

"Stabler. Just when did you intend to tell me he was here?" Pierce was fighting to keep from hollering.

"It would have come up eventually...it's not like it was a big deal. He's been here before and he _is_ my partner."

"Not a big deal...not a big deal." He said this softly to himself, looking down at the floor. Raising his head and catching her eyes again, he asked. "What did you do? How long was he here?"

"He filled me in on the investigation, we ate dinner, we talked and he left." She was not about to give details.

"Dinner? Ah...the Chinese. How long was he here?" His eyes narrowed as he asked this question.

She shook her head. "I don't know...couple of hours..maybe three? What difference does it make?"

He debated with himself over his next words. He could either take it for she said it was...her partner checking up on her, eating dinner, discussing the case or he could opt for a showdown over what was really going on between her and Stabler. There were more than enough rumors and he knew what he had seen that night in the hospital was not something a partner would do. He cared about Olivia, she just got home from the hospital, he wanted to spend some time with her. He made his decision.

"No difference at all. I'm glad you have someone who looks after you." He reached out and pulled her to him.

To say she was surprised at his words and actions, would be an understatement. And she was surprised to find she was glad he seemed to accept her explanation because she was so tired of being alone. If she could not have Elliot, she would have to find a way to settle. That's what it would be...settling. Anyone other than Elliot would be settling for second best. All she knew was, she was not going to be alone anymore.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_Sorry for the delay...lot going on. Remember now...those reviews are fuel for the fire that keeps me writing... " ) Bensler_


	12. Dance

**Chapter 12 - Dance **

**SVU Squad Room**

**Wednesday, January 23, 7:30 a.m.**

Olivia entered the squad room and glanced around. She was usually the first person there every morning, except for Cragen. He was almost there when she arrived. This morning was no exception. She hung up her jacket, put her things at her desk and turned on her computer. While waiting for it to come up, she walked over to Cragen's office.

Knocking as she entered, she smiled at her boss. "Hey, Captain."

"Olivia, it's good to see you back." He came around the desk and hugged her to him. "So, glad you are okay. You gave us all quite a scare. Are you sure you're feeling up to this?" He was using his fatherly voice.

"Yes, I am feeling great and I am ready to help nail the creep who did this to me." She took a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"We're ready to nail him, too. You remember, you are not to eat or drink anything that someone else makes..."

"And nothing that comes from an opened package...right...I got it. I brought one of those canned microwaveable soups in its own container and some crackers for lunch." She nodded her head and grinned at him.

"All right. Good. So, did you see or talk to Elliot? He tell you about Bert's and Mitchell Stanford?" He asked.

"He came by last night for awhile and filled me on the investigation. I just cannot believe that young boy would do something like this..." She trailed off, thinking about how nice he had seemed and then about her and Elliot and last night.

"Well, it sure looks like he is the one. Of course, we have to come up with some hard evidence...Casey is picking up the warrant this morning to search the premises of the diner and the apartment at the address Stan Michael gave his employer. She should be here in time for our briefing at 8:30."

"Good. Do I get to help with that?" She did not want to be chained to her desk.

He looked her over for a minute. "Yes. Just remember, you are _not_ the lead on this. Are we clear on that?"

"Yes, Sir." Rising from the chair, she nodded her head. "I'm going to make some coffee. Would you like a cup?" She had not drank coffee since Oregon, but after the poisoning, she was not quite up for tea.

"Sure. That would be nice." He smiled as he watched her leave his office.

He was glad to see she seemed to be feeling better, actually seemed fine. He was angry that anyone would try to hurt her. He and Marge had never had children and Olivia was like a daughter to him. He loved her like a daughter and would do anything to protect her and anything to bring to justice the person or persons responsible for trying to kill her. He just hoped it was soon.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Wednesday, January 23, 8:00 a.m.**

Elliot had finally slept, but it was fitful and not very long. He showered, shaved and put on the same clothes from yesterday because he had forgotten to bring fresh ones after cleaning out his locker and taking a pile home Monday to launder. He was trying to figure out what he was going to say to Liv, how he was going to act when he saw her this morning. He truly had no clue. He wondered what she would do. How she would act. They had shared their innermost thoughts and feelings last night and then she had told him to walk away. Confusion was the reigning emotion of his mind and heart at the moment. He headed down to the bullpen.

From the stairway, Elliot could see her sitting at her desk, her back turned mostly to him, reading something on the computer screen. Steamed curled from the mug of coffee she held in her left hand, her right one resting on the mouse. She had on that white peasant shirt with a sweater vest over it...some kind of color between brown and tan. Dark brown pants and boots. She loved her boots. She had told him once that she like the extra height boots gave her, especially when dealing with perps, most of whom were male and bigger than her. She was one beautiful woman. She had told him she loved him last night. Told him she was in love with him. He was going to go insane knowing this and not being able to do anything about it. The knot in his stomach that had started last night and was still there this morning when he woke up, seemed to increase with size the longer he stared at her. He must have made a sound or a movement that caught her attention, because she suddenly turned and looked up at him as he stood half-way down the staircase.

"Good morning, El." She smiled "Nice suit." She tried to lighten the situation by joking about his suit. The same one he had on yesterday. No matter. He still looked great in it. Or it looked great on him. He looked good.

He loved her smile and this was one of those disarming, full, white tooth, infectious grins that rarely graced her face anymore that she gave him now. That smile confused him even more...as though that were possible. So, she was going to be all nice and talkative and pretend like last night never happened. Well, he could not do that. He simply could not. Sleep okay? No, not at all. Don't think a good night's sleep will ever happen again. Not in this lifetime. He knew now what he was going to say and what he was going to do. As little as possible. And he was not returning that smile for anything.

He continued down the stairs. "Morning." He grunted, barely catching her eyes before looking away.

He went around to his desk and sat down. He jiggled the mouse and typed in his I.D. and password. He felt her eyes drilling into him but he refused to look at her. It would not take her long to figure out he was not playing her game. Her game of 'I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine, everything is fine. Fine!' Fine, but he was not playing!

The way he said, or rather, grunted 'morning' and barely glanced at her, spoke volumes to Olivia. In fact, it told her everything she needed to know about how she and Elliot were going to be playing this out. She was shooting for putting last night aside, being content to finally know their feelings for each other, but returning to their previously close partnership, best friend status. However, she could tell he was going for the way he had been for the last ten months...ignore, brush off and pretend she did not even exist and that he did not care. She did not think she could survive another round of that kind of treatment for very long, if at all. Her heart already contracted with the pain of his rejection, her stomach churning from his seeming contempt for her.

He got up to get a cup of coffee which meant he had to walk right by her desk again, since the coffee table was behind her. He avoided all eye contact as he passed her.

She got up and walked over the to table and topped off her mug. They were standing side by side. Taking a deep breath, she tried again. "I made the coffee, not John...so it's fit for human consumption."

He did not laugh or even smile at her attempt to joke. Munch's bad coffee was well renown. "Good to know." He opened a couple of packets of sugar and poured them in, then reached for one creamer. Stirring, as he poured the creamer, he still avoided her eyes. He did wonder why she was drinking coffee again.

"Get any sleep on that hard bed in the crib?" She asked, casting a sideways glance at him.

He finally looked into her eyes and what she saw struck fear in her heart. His eyes were midnight blue, which equaled seething anger, dangerously close to igniting the full fire of his raging fury. She also saw a coldness and hardness she had never seen in his eyes before. At least not directed at her. She felt the pain shoot through her as sharply as if he had punched her in the gut.

He turned around so his back was to the table while she still faced it. His mug of coffee in his left hand, he leaned over and spoke, his voice a low growl in her right ear. "Trust me, my lack of sleep had nothing to do with the hard bed in the crib. Doubt I'll ever sleep good again. And why would you give a rip anyway?" He stomped back to his desk, leaving her shell shocked from his words and harsh attitude.

Rapidly blinking back tears, she finished fixing her coffee and returned to her desk. Glancing at his rigid profile, his back ramrod straight in his chair, his jaw clenched and jutted out, his eyes narrowed, she knew there would be no talking to him anytime soon. Please, Elliot, don't do this again...I can't take it, she thought to herself. She sighed and turned to her computer.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Stan Michael Apartment**

**Wednesday, January 23, 12:05 p.m.**

After the briefing, Fin and Munch headed out to Brooklyn College and Stan Michael's apartment with warrants in hand. Benson and Stabler were on their way to the Stanford home. They planned to question some of their neighbors again about the Stanfords.

Casey had given Munch and Fin warrants to search Stan Michael's residence and to get a DNA sample from Mitchell Stanford. Since there was a question about the identity of the young man working at Bert's, Lake suggested they get the analysis from the pre-employment drug testing done on Stan Michael and then get DNA from Mitchell Stanford and compare them. Lake stayed at the precinct to work on securing the drug testing information and to go with Cragen to Bert's to see what they could find there.

Munch and Fin's first stop was Brooklyn College. They quietly got Mitchell out of class, showed him the warrant, swabbed his cheek and dropped the sample by to the lab. Lake was on the way to the drug testing company to pick up the specimen they had on Stan Michael and bring it to the lab. Dr. Melinda Warner, the Medical Examiner, told them she should have the results sometime after lunch. Now, they were at the apartment of Stan Michael or whoever he was, going through his apartment. There were also two unis helping them go through everything.

"Hey, Detectives..." One of the uniformed officers called out from the master bathroom.

He was holding up a small, unmarked canister that contained a white powdery substance. Munch and Fin looked at each other, Munch peering over his glasses at Fin. Fin pulled out a bag and opened it. The officer dropped it in and wrote something in a notepad as Fin marked the bag. Two and half hours later, having finished going through the apartment and dropping off the canister to the lab, they were on the way back to the precinct.

Cragen and Lake had found an empty shaker in Stan Michael's locker at work. It was a shaker unlike the one's used at the diner. It was bagged and sent to the lab for analysis.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stanford Neighborhood**

**Wednesday, January 23, 12:45 p.m.**

Elliot drove, his knuckles white from the grip he had on the wheel, eyes glued to the road. Olivia sat scrunched as far as possible on her side of the car, staring, unseeing, at the passing scenery. She did not attempt to try conversation with him again and he was certainly not trying to make small talk with her.

The day was clear, but cold. They had already canvassed the block behind the Stanfords, working their way around to the homes closer to them. It was nearly 1:00 p.m. and Liv was getting tired and hungry, unusual for her. Elliot parked about half block from the Stanford house and he and Olivia got out of the car. She stood on the sidewalk, waiting for him to come around. He pulled a notepad out of his jacket and flipped it open.

He nodded toward a house to their right. "Here...1106...no one was home when we canvassed the block a couple of days ago. Come on."

He headed toward the house not even waiting for Olivia, so she trailed behind. He rang the bell. No answer. He knocked several times. Still no answer. He wrote in his pad and turned around, looking out at the street.

"Guess they're still not home." He walked down the drive back to the sidewalk, Liv behind him again.

A young woman, brunette, early twenties, was getting out of her car across the street. She noticed Elliot and Olivia and hollered out to them.

"Are you looking for the Birkners? Can I help you?" She approached them cautiously.

"Matter of fact, we are. Detective Stabler, NYPD." He showed her his badge. "This is Detective Benson. We canvassed the neighborhood earlier this week but this is one of the homes that had no answer. So, we're back."

Olivia felt a stab of pain shoot through her as he introduced her to the young woman. She noticed that he said 'this is Detective Benson' and not 'this is _my partner_, Detective Benson' and she knew it was just one more way for him to get back at her, to hurt her, to make a point. She knew he did it deliberately.

"What can you tell us about the Birkners?" He asked.

"They're retired and they go to Florida right after Christmas and don't come back until May or June every year." She told him. She glanced at Olivia and the two traded smiles.

"I don't recall meeting you earlier...what's your name?" He smiled at her.

"Oh...Cassie O'Hara. I don't live here...I'm a student at NYU...live on campus. I just came by to see my about my Mom. She's had the flu. I know you met my folks because she told me about some cops coming by...Dave and Mary O'Hara." She explained, smiling back at him.

Elliot flipped pages in his notepad. "Yep...1105, O'Hara. It says your folks have lived here almost 17 years. So, you must know the Stanfords down the street. Their son, Mitchell, should be around your age." He pulled out the photos and showed them to Cassie. "Do you know him?"

She took the photos and looked them over. "Sure, I know all the Stanfords. Mr. and Mrs. Stanford are really nice. All the kids in the neighborhood hung out there when we were younger." She looked at the picture of Mitchell with Ariel and Allison. "Who is this?" She asked.

Elliot glanced at Liv with a puzzled look as she frowned. "I thought you said you knew the Stanfords..."

"I do, but is this Mitchell or Michael?" Cassie asked them. Olivia had come to stand nearby and looked over at the photo.

"What do you mean?" Olivia looked her in the eyes, not understanding.

"I mean is this suppose to be Mitchell or Michael?" Elliot took the photos from Cassie.

"Mitchell _or _Michael? Are you telling me there are two different people?" He asked, clearly confused.

"Well, yea and I don't know which one it is...I mean, it could be either one of them...they are identical twins. They both had beards the last time I saw them, maybe a year ago." Cassie told them.

Elliot and Olivia just stared at each other dumbfounded.

"Uh...what else can you tell us about the twins?" Olivia asked her

"I thought you talked to the Stanfords...they didn't tell you about them?" Cassie replied, starting to be confused herself.

"No...we only know about Marty and Mitchell. Mitchell still lives at home goes to Brooklyn College." Elliot told her.

"That's right...he and Michael decided to go to different colleges...they were tired of always being compared to the other and competing and all. Michael went to Hudson." She frowned. "But, I think someone told me he dropped out."

"So, what kind of guys are they? All the brothers?" Olivia was writing in her own pad now.

"Just ordinary guys...good guys. Lot of fun. Polite. Have lots of friends. Into sports big time. They both did pretty good in school although Mitchell always did a little better than Michael. They really idolize Marty. You know, the whole hero big brother thing. I'm a year younger than they are and we quit hanging out so much after they graduated high school and now that we are at different colleges, well, like I said it's been about a year since I have seen either of them." She looked toward her parents house. "Listen, I really need to check on Mom..."

Liv glanced at Elliot and he nodded slightly. "Of course...go ahead. Thank you for your help. Here take my card and if you think of anything else, give me a call." Liv handed her a card.

When she had crossed the street, Elliot let out a big sigh. "Wow. Didn't see that coming."

"Makes sense now about Kathleen saying his name was Michael, while Maureen insisted it was Mitchell." Liv said, nodding her head. "Guess we need to talk to the Stanfords again, huh?"

"Guess so." He turned toward their house without another word.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Wednesday, January 23, 1:30 p.m.**

After eating lunch together, Munch, Fin and Lake were back at the precinct writing up reports for what they had done that morning. They were so engrossed in their individual tasks, they did not notice Captain Cragen coming out of his office and toward them.

"Listen up. Just heard from Warner about your two DNA samples..." His loud voice startled all of them.

They all looked up at him, Munch peered over his glasses, Fin leaned back in his chair and Lake got up to come to sit on Munch's desk.

"So, what's going down?" Fin asked, flipping a pencil end over end.

"The samples do not match..." He started, but they interrupted.

"What!" Lake exclaimed.

"How can they not match? It's the same guy!" Munch wondered out loud.

"Ain't no way! Gotta be a mistake. She run it more than once?" Fin was incredulous at the news.

"Yes, she ran it three times, actually. And you did not let me finish...the samples are identical but do not match because one shows abnormal blood cells. Leukemia." He explained, looking around at his detectives.

"So, either our guy got sick after the drug testing or...there are_ two_ different guys...two different guys with the same exact DNA. The only way that can happen is..." Lake deducted.

"Twins!?" Fin and Munch exclaimed at the same time all of them looking back and forth at the others.

"Yes. Identical twins. The sample from the drug company is the one with the abnormal cells. So, that would mean that Mitchell Sanford has an ill identical twin, because his sample you took this morning was clean.

"This is wild! Wait til Liv and Elliot hear about this!" Lake's voice echoed the surprise in all of their faces. "Should we call them?"

"They should be finishing up their visit with the Stanfords and be back at the house soon. We'll fill them in then." Cragen told them, heading back to his office.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Stanford Residence**

**Wednesday, January 23, 1:30 p.m.**

Mr. and Mrs. Stanford were both home. Marty was out looking for a job and Mitchell, they already knew, was finished with classes for the day and at work at Cilano & Reed Accounting.

Olivia kept a low profile and let Elliot do the questioning. He was the lead detective and since she was now the victim she needed to back off and let him run things. Besides it was a good time to be able to really look him over, watch him, without him noticing. His brown suit was a bit wrinkled, but it still looked fine on him. He looked a bit tired and she remembered what he had said about sleeping and knew he did not sleep very well. She loved watching him. How his mouth moved when he talked, how he would bite the inside of his cheek when troubled or nervous, how his jaw would clench when he did not like the answers to the questions, how his eyes narrowed as he was deep in thought or doubted the truth was being told. She watched his strong, sturdy fingers wrap around the pen and write in his notepad and then flip pages. Watching as he ran a hand over his head and scratched his neck, she remembered how warm his hand was when he held hers last night. She was brought out of her daydream, by the sound of his voice calling to her.

"Detective? Detective Benson?" His scowl told her this was not the first time he had called her.

"Oh...uh...sorry...I didn't hear..." She sat up straighter and fumbled with her own notepad.

He was holding out another picture to her. "Is this the young man that waited on you at Bert's last Saturday?" Pointing to the man on the left.

She looked into his stormy blue eyes as she took the picture from him and quickly looked away. "Yes...yes, he is the one." She nodded her head as she looked at a clean shaven version of the bearded Mitchell standing beside his brother.

She leaned over toward him, holding out the picture. As he took it from her, their fingers brushed and she felt a jolt of electricity pass through her. She looked up at him and saw just a flash of the fire she felt. He quickly covered it and the steely hardness returned.

When his fingers came in contact with hers, it was as though he had touched an open flame. The burning sensation started in his finger tips and traveled all the way up his arm causing his heart to skip a beat. He still felt the burning in his fingers. Her eyes told him she had been affected by their touch as well. He could not keep looking at her.

"Explain to me why you never mentioned that Mitchell had a twin brother." Elliot tilted his head away from Olivia and looked at Mrs. Stanford.

"They went to different colleges because they decided they needed to be seen as individuals instead of someone's twin. We agreed to pay their tuition as long as they kept a 'B' average. If they lived at home, they could go to college free. Mitchell excelled academically, while being very active at school and holding a part time job. He wants an MBA and we told him he had to pay for that so he saves as much money as possible. Michael, on the other hand, barely passed school the first year and we told him we would not pay for his second year. He got angry and moved out. That was two and half years ago. Since he no longer lives at home and we really don't see that much of him, I just didn't think about telling you about him, Detective Stabler." She had a very worried expression as she explained all of this to Elliot.

"If we had known it was important to the investigation, we would have told you about Michael." Mr. Stanford added.

"Okay... well, we need to find Michael. So, if he contacts any of you or comes by, please give me a call. You said the address Bert's gave is correct, we'll check there again. You still have my card?" He spoke firmly to them.

"Yes...by the phone in the kitchen." Mr. Stanford answered.

"All right. I am sorry that he has been implicated in this crime, but I thank you for your honesty and time." Elliot stood and turned for the door. Liv got up and followed him to the car.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Police Cruiser**

**Wednesday, January 23, 2:00 p.m.**

"Twins...that's pretty weird, huh?" Liv watched Elliot out of the corner of her eye. He stared straight ahead.

"Yea." He grunted. He was thinking about the fire from when their hands brushed. He was trying to keep from reaching over and taking her hand in his at this very moment.

"You think they could both be in on it?" She wished he would talk to her, bounce his theories off of her, discuss possible scenarios, like they used to do. Anything, but shut her out like he had been doing all day long. She really could not take much more before she had a complete meltdown. Her heart was much too fragile from the last months.

"No." He shook his head and wondered would she pull away if he did reach for her hand. It was propped right there on her thigh. It would only take one smooth move to hold it.

She sighed, pushed herself farther back into the seat, closer to the door and folded her arms across her chest. It was pointless to try to get him to talk. He had obviously made up his mind about how he was going to deal with the confessions of last night. He was going to continue the cold shoulder he had been giving her for the past ten months. They would continue to dance around each other like the floor beneath them were made of eggshells. Dance in and out of the others' space, the others' lives but never really connect anymore. Fine. If that was how he wanted to play, then fine. She would play his game. And beat him at it.

He could not do what she asked. He could not go on and live his life. Not without her. He had to talk to Kathy. He would do that just as soon as he figured out what he wanted to say. Suddenly her hand was gone. Protected from his reach. His window of opportunity just slammed shut and she never even realized she was the one who slammed it.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Wednesday, January 23, 2:40 p.m.**

When Olivia and Elliot entered the squad room, they were immediately met by Fin, Munch and Lake standing up and coming over to greet them. They were all talking at the same time and could not be understood. Cragen heard the commotion and was coming their direction, too.

"All right, people! Settle down!" He barked and they all instantly shut up. He smiled slightly to himself. He turned to Elliot and Olivia. "We had an interesting turn in the case while the two of you were out."

"I bet it wasn't as interesting as our turn in the case..." Elliot told him, raising his eyebrows. He glanced over his shoulder at Olivia. "Tell them, Liv."

She was caught off guard that he was going to let her tell the news. Her eyes connected with his for a short second before she looked at the group. "Stan Michael is really Mitchell Stanford's identical twin brother, Michael Stanford." She told her colleagues.

"Ah, man! Who told you?" Fin was disappointed that they already knew.

"A neighbor girl who knows both of them. How did you guys find out?" Elliot asked.

They began to fill them in on the DNA samples and the leukemia and the container found at the apartment as well as the one found at the diner.

"Melinda said it would take her until sometime tomorrow to know the result of the tests on the substances in the containers." Munch told them.

"We have got to find this kid." Cragen told them.

The voices began to fade into the background as Olivia tuned them out. She was suddenly very tired and did not feel well. She thought it was partly due to the fact that they had not eaten lunch. She quietly went to her desk, got the container of soup and took it to the microwave. She could still hear the conversation as she waited for it to heat up. She came back to her desk and started eating. From the corner of her eye, she saw Elliot look over at her. She did not give him the satisfaction of returning the look.

The group broke up and went back to their own desks, except for Lake. He came over to talk to Liv. Elliot got a couple of packs of crackers, a candy bar and a soda from the vending machine and sat down at his desk. He tried to ignore Olivia and Lake but it was impossible. First of all, they were right there like six feet from him and second of all they were talking low and that made him want to hear the conversation.

"Are you feeling okay? You look kind of pale..." Lake was sitting on the corner of Liv's desk. He leaned in close to her to talk.

"Umm...I feel really tired. Probably because we skipped lunch." She pointed toward her soup and crackers.

"Think maybe you should call it a day? You know the Cap would not have a problem with you leaving early." He suggested as he put a hand on her shoulder.

Elliot wanted to knock his hand off of her shoulder. He hated how comfortable Lake seemed with touching her. And how she did not seem to mind. At all.

"No. No, I'll be fine...just need to eat." She smiled at him and placed her hand over his hand that was resting on her shoulder.

So, now she is touching him. What is wrong with this picture! His anger was quickly reaching the boiling point.

"How are you and Pierce doing? He told me you guys made up." Lake winked at her and grinned.

She could not help herself. She looked over at Elliot and he was looking right at her. She held his gaze for a couple of seconds, then turned back to Lake to answer, just a bit louder.

"We're fine, Ches. He came by last night after he got off work..." She glanced at Elliot again. He was no longer looking at her but his jaw was clenching and she knew he heard and was still listening. Playfully, slapping Lake on the shoulder, she laughed and raised her left eyebrow. "Trust me, when I say we are _fine_."

He laughed with her. "That's great to hear, Liv, cause he really cares about you." He got up, squeezed her shoulder and went back to his desk.

Filled with intense, unexpressible anger, Elliot's attempt at exuding a calm exterior was betrayed by the pulsating vein in his neck, the fiery red crawling from under his collar up his neck and into his face, the flaring of his nostrils, the clenching of his jaw and his narrowed eyes, the straight set of his lips. Seething with rage, he knew he could not sit there any longer without giving in to a violent emotional reaction. He logged out, stood up, slammed his chair under the desk so hard it bounced free and twirled around five or six times before stopping as he took off to the locker room.

Liv jumped at his sudden display of anger, her heart racing. But as she watched his retreating back, a slight smirk etched her face. Score one for Benson.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_Remember...reviews required...thoughts treasured...suggestions sought...constructive criticism considered...appreciate all. Thanks to all of you who read and especially all of you who review! Some of you make me think harder about what I am writing, some of you make laugh out loud...you think I am 'mean'...I love it! And I do love to torture you! LOL!! And all of you make me want to write more and do a better job!! " ) Bensler_


	13. Dread

**Chapter 13 - Dread**

**SVU Squad Room **

**Wednesday, January 23, 2:50 p.m.**

Kathy had been out for a doctor's appointment and decided to come by the precinct to see Elliot for a minute. She entered the squad room and saw that Elliot's desk was empty and so was Liv's. She assumed they must be out working on the case. Looking around, she did not see anyone she recognized. She turned to leave and nearly collided with Olivia, who was returning from the restroom.

"Oh, excuse me...I am so sorry." Kathy said before she got a good look at who was standing before her.

"That's okay..." Olivia looked into the blue eyes of her partner's wife. "Kathy?" Shock registered on her face and in her voice.

"Olivia...are you okay? I didn't know you had come back...you must be feeling better." Kathy attempted a smile.

"Yea...a little tired, but feeling much better." Her smile was tight and her stomach churning.

"I had a doctor's appointment and was right here, so I thought I would drop by and see Elliot for a minute since he didn't come home last night. He hasn't been home much at all the last several days..." She met Olivia's gaze straight on. Olivia thought her voice and eyes held accusation, that it was her fault for him not being home. Her fault for being poisoned.

"Oh...uh...I think he went to work out...not really sure." She pointed toward their desks. "If you want to sit down, I'll go look for him."

Olivia was not sure where Elliot was? That was interesting. Kathy thought they knew everything about each other, kept close tabs on each other. She followed Liv to the desks and watch as Liv retrieved Elliot's chair, which was about five feet from his desk, and turned it for Kathy to sit in. She wondered why it was so far away from his desk.

She noticed Kathy as she came to sit in the chair. She was thin, so much so, you would never have believed she had just had a baby two months ago or had four other children. She had on tight fitting jeans and a rose colored v-neck sweater. A gold choker adorned her neck and matching earrings on her ears. Her blond hair was shorter than Liv remembered but still long and straight. Her coat was a navy blue pea coat, which she took off and draped on the back of the chair. "Thanks." Kathy said as she sat down.

"I'll just be a minute..." Olivia trailed off, as she went to look for Elliot.

Kathy looked around at her husband's desk...his home away from home. It was littered with stacks and stacks of files, reports and various papers. Pencils and pens, all with their ends chewed on, were scattered about the desk. There was an empty cracker wrapper, two crackers left in a second wrapper and an unopened candy bar lying by the computer. Half a can of soda was sitting on the mug warmer. Was this his lunch, she wondered? He had pictures of all the kids lining his desk, a family photo of all them right after they brought Eli home, and one of him and Kathy taken years ago on a trip to the mountains, during happier times. Of course, the one that grabbed her attention, was one of the SVU crew at the annual Christmas party. Kathy thought it had to be 2 or 3 years ago, because of the tie Elliot had on. Fin and Munch were on the right of Olivia with Elliot and Cragen on her left. Everyone was looking at the camera with big smiles. Elliot's arm was around Liv's shoulder and she leaned into him. To Kathy, he looked absolutely ecstatic and Olivia was glowing. You could sense the incredible bond they had even from a photograph. Kathy felt the familiar stirring of, not so much jealousy, as dread, rising within her. Dread as to how much longer she and Elliot would or could carry on this charade they had been living for years.

- - - - - - - - - -

Elliot was not in the gym or the locker room. Olivia checked the interrogations rooms, file rooms and the crib. She knew he had not left the precinct. The only other place she could think of, was the roof. She took the stairs two at a time and opened the door leading out to the top of the building. It squeaked loudly and the bottom scrubbed against the shingles. Taking a couple of steps out into the bright sunshine, she squinted and looked around. He was sitting on top of a concrete encasement staring out at the city and he turned to her, and even from twenty feet away she felt the anger emanating from him. He turned back to his surveillance of the city. She debated going over to him to tell him, but the sight of him sitting there in anger, she knew was barely contained, kept her glued to her spot. She opted for as few words as possible.

"Kathy's here." She said quietly.

There was a long pause. He did not acknowledge her. She waited for another moment. "Elliot, did you hear me? Kathy's waiting for you."

He turned his head toward her again, but did not actually look at her. He nodded, but still sat there unmoving. She stood for just a few more seconds and went back down to the squad room.

Seeing Kathy still sitting at his desk, Liv walked over and tried to smile again. "Uh...he'll be here in just a minute..." She ran her hand through her hair and put her other hand on her hip. "Can I get you something...coffee, soda?"

"Thank you, but no. I'm fine. Where is he?" She was curious as to why it took so long for Olivia to return.

"Well, I thought he was in the gym...but I looked all over and finally found him up on the roof. He should be down any second." She looked up toward the stairs and then at the entranceway to the squad room. "I need to get back to these reports...do you mind?"

The roof? Why would he be on the roof? "Oh...no...not at all." She watched Liv sit down, log onto the computer and start typing.

Kathy could not help but stare at her. She had cut her hair short again. It did not matter what her hair looked like, she looked great. She remembered when Elliot first told her his new partner was a female. She had been a little concerned but brushed it aside. However, when she finally met Olivia she was blown away by her beauty as well as her cordiality and graciousness. She remembered chiding Elliot that he had failed to tell her his partner was incredibly gorgeous. She _was_ gorgeous and Kathy, like any other wife whose husband would spend more time with this exotic woman than he did with his wife, felt threatened by her.

Not that Olivia had ever done anything outright to make her feel this way. It was just...well, it was just the same thing that everyone sensed when they were around Elliot and Olivia. There was this undefinable thing between them, a bond that transcended every other relationship in their lives, a tie so strong there was no explaining it. There was no breaking it either. It had been stretched, damaged, tested, changed, but it had popped back into shape, repaired itself, been found worthy, evolved as they did and never, not once, had it completely come apart. No matter how angry they got with one another, when everything was stripped away they would always, without question, be there for each other. This thing they had was, quite simply, amazing. Even Kathy, as much as she hated it, was jealous of it, had to admit it was incredible.

About four minutes later, Elliot came into the squad room, all smiles, bigger than life just like everything was fine. He walked to Kathy, grinning that full toothed Stabler smile. "Hey, baby. Good to see you."

His eyes met Liv's just briefly before he took Kathy's face in both of his hands and kissed her with what could only be described as a passionate kiss. When he pulled away, and wrapped his arms around Kathy in a hug, he was facing Liv's desk. She glanced up again, long enough to see his smile fade and turn to a cruel smirk with icy daggers shooting from his eyes to hers. He watched as Liv's eyes flinched with the pain he had so masterfully inflicted upon her. Score one for Stabler.

Liv thought she might lose what little lunch she ate, right here in front of Kathy and Elliot. Wouldn't that be just great? She even made visual contact with the trash can, just in case. She knew exactly what he was doing, and while she couldn't really blame him for it, she did not have to like it. She was not so sure about the game they were playing now. It hurt way too much.

Kathy did not know what to think of Elliot's actions. He had never had trouble expressing affection in public, to a degree. But, since he had been back home, he had not been exactly affectionate and certainly not passionate. Except for when he wanted something more and even that had become rare. Sure, he would hug her and even kiss her once in a while. But the kisses had been on the cheek, the forehead, top of her head. Perfunctory. Superficial. Not intimate kisses on the lips. Never on the lips, unless...well, you know. Then she caught a glimpse of Olivia and for just a fleeting second, she was sure she saw the reason for his actions in her eyes. Olivia's huge brown eyes were filled with anguish as she looked at Elliot, and it was suddenly crystal clear to Kathy why Elliot was acting like this. He was putting on a show for Liv, in some twisted desire to hurt her. Or make her jealous. Or both. And apparently it worked.

He smoothed his wife's hair back, still holding her to him. "So, what's up? What brings you here?"

"I had that appointment at the hospital, and thought I'd come see you a minute. You coming home for dinner?" She asked, smiling up at him.

He looked at his watch. "Hmmm...I don't know, Kath. Got a couple of breaks on the case we need to check out and reports to write...I don't know. I'll see." He told her.

"Okay...just wondered. Well, I need to get home or there won't be any dinner to come home for if you do find time." She hugged him again and he leaned down to kiss her on the lips once more although this time a quick one.

"Come on...I'll walk you to the car." He helped her put her coat on and headed out, his arm draped around her shoulder.

- - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room **

**Wednesday, January 23, 3:15 p.m.**

Liv thought that while he was gone, it would be a good time to make her exit. She did not want to see him again anytime soon. The dread at the thought of having to talk to him right now made her physically sick. She was already not feeling well and after the episode she just witnessed between Elliot and Kathy, she felt even worse. She was suppose to be checked out at the hospital anyway, so she thought she might just go ahead, leave early and go by there now. She went to tell Cragen and he told her to go.

When she got down to her car, she was suddenly overwhelmed with extreme lightheadedness and weakness. She was also beginning to shake and knew she should not be driving. Once upon a time, she would have called Elliot and told him she needed him. But, no way would she do that now. She flipped open her cell and dialed a number.

"Hey, I'm down in the garage...at my car. Please, don't say anything to anyone else...especially not Elliot. I think I...no...I...I need help." She closed the phone and leaned against the car. She did not even have the strength to look for her keys.

Less than five minutes later, he was scanning the garage. He spotted her against her car and took off in a sprint toward her. "Liv...Liv? You okay? Come on, let's get you in the car." She spoke, but it was a bare whisper. Munch found her keys, hit the unlock button, opened the back door and got her in, laying her across the seat. She was able to talk to him and tell him she was suppose to be checked out at the hospital and to please take her there.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Wednesday, January 23, 4:00 p.m.**

"Hey, Mom!" Dickie threw the mail on the kitchen counter. "Remember, I have a basketball game at 6:00. Gotta be there by 5:30." He reminded her as he grabbed a can of Pepsi and a bag of chips. "Think Dad'll be there?" He was heading up to his room.

"I don't know, honey. Why don't you give him a call and remind him?" Kathy called out to her oldest son's retreating back.

Elliot had told her he would see about being home for dinner but she had forgotten about the game. She knew he probably would not be there for either, but she did not have the heart to tell Dickie. Elliot had barely been home except to eat, shower, grab a couple of hours of sleep and head right back to work since all this with Olivia had happened. Work had always taken precedent over family time and now with a case that involved Olivia...well, you could count on the fact that Elliot would be doing all he could to solve her case. Two nights ago he didn't even bother to come home and then he didn't come home last night either. He had stayed in the crib. She hated when he did that. She hated the time it took him away from them. She hated his job period.

She did still wonder about his actions this afternoon, but tried to put thoughts about it aside, because she did not like the things it made her think about. She was positive that he had shown all that affection, kissing her to upset Olivia. She could think of no other reason. He had not been that way with her since he came back. Heck, even before he left. Okay Enough of this. She willed herself to concentrate on something else.

She put the chicken and rice in the oven, washed and dried her hands and reached for the pile of mail. She sat down at the kitchen table to sort through it. Electric bill. A late Christmas card from a friend in Belgium. Orthodontist bill. Water bill. An L.L. Bean catalog. Bank statement. Mercy General Hospital? It had been two months since the accident and Eli's birth. She thought the insurance of the man who hit them had already paid everything in full since the accident was his fault. She opened it up and unfolded the papers within the envelope. To her relief, it was not a bill. It was some type of release form. She was puzzled. Quickly scanning it, she felt a queasiness in the pit of her stomach and her heart began to pound ferociously. She forced herself to go back and slowly read everything on the form as well as the accompanying letter explaining exactly what it was that she held in her hands. When she finished, she stared blankly at the papers. What she held in her hands was power. What she held in her hands was possibly life and death. The life of Olivia Benson as well as the death of her marriage.

- - - - - - - -

**Mercy General Hospital **

**Wednesday, January 23, 4:45 p.m.**

Munch was pacing back and forth. He figured that since they had been here well over an hour with no word, that when it came, the news would not be good. He wanted to call the others...at least Captain Cragen. Liv was adamant about not telling Elliot anything, and he would do what he could to respect her wishes. He just wished they would hurry and tell him something. Then the thought crossed his mind that they would not tell him anything because he was not a relative or NOK or ICE or anything. Just her friend. Maybe his badge would work in his favor. About that time, he saw the door open and Dr.Bonsall came into the room.

"Detective Munch. Good to see you again...wish it were under other circumstances." He shook Munch's extended hand.

"It's not good news, is it?" He asked, peering over his glasses.

"Well, it's nothing we didn't expect...it seems her kidneys are worse. She is on the way to dialysis. I really think that a few sessions will help her out, give them the chance to heal and build up some strength and soon be back to functioning normally. I am hoping this is just a residual affect of the poison and she will recover."

He nodded his head. "How long does a session take?"

"About four hours. She will need one a day for a couple of days, at least and I am going to keep her overnight as a precaution. As soon as she is settled, I'll have someone come for you and you can sit with her, if you like." He looked around the room. "Where's the rest of her entourage?" He joked.

"She didn't want anyone to know..." Munch explained.

"Oh...okay...I thought that at the very least, Detective Stabler would be here...they seem to have such a...a special connection..." Dr. Bonsall raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Yea...me, too." Munch said. He frowned, wondering to himself what in the heck Elliot had done to her this time.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Wednesday, January 23, 10:25 p.m.**

Dickie's team won their ball game and surprisingly Elliot was there to see him make two three-pointers and three baskets. He slapped his son on the back and told him what a fantastic game he played and then left to go back to the station. He told Kathy he would be home in a couple of hours. She still did not know how she was going to bring up the form or what she was going to say. She knew that no matter what she did or said, the ensuing fight would be a bad one.

Elliot and Fin had talked some yesterday afternoon about Fin's son and their troubled relationship. That Fin even talked a little about Ken, surprised Elliot. So, when Dickie called, Elliot made up his mind that he could take a break from the investigation long enough to watch his son's basketball game. He wanted a good relationship with his son. He was glad he went. Dickie did very well and he was so proud that his Dad was there to see him. Kathy had been unusually quiet and he briefly wondered what was up with that, but he brushed it aside, thankful that he did not have to attempt idle chit chat with her. As soon as the game was over, he headed back to the 1-6 and the awaiting files and reports.

Pulling into the driveway, nearly three hours later, all he could think about was getting something to eat, taking a hot shower and crashing. After operating on three to four hours of sleep for the last five nights, he was totally exhausted, not to mention his mind and heart were in turmoil over all the things shared between he and Liv last night. When he opened the front door and stepped in, he was surprised to hear the T.V. going. If Kathy was going to be up late watching T.V. she usually did that in their bedroom. She must be waiting up for him. So much for a quick shower and sleep. There she was, curled up in the corner of the couch, a throw blanket wrapped around her. She did not look up when he came in and he knew she heard him. Putting a gun in the lock box was not something that could be done quietly. Whatever it was, she was upset. He had been married to her too many years not to pick up on that bit of information.

He sighed quietly and rolled his head side to side, warding off some of the old tension to make room for the new. "You're still up. Something interesting on T.V.?" He took off his long, woolen overcoat and hung it on the coat rack by the door. He had left it at Liv's last night, but she brought it to him this morning and he sure was glad because it had been a cold, windy day. He walked to the edge of the living room to face Kathy.

Still not looking at him, she took a minute to answer, unsure of how to broach the subject. "No. But I did get something interesting in the mail today." She stood up, put the blanket across the arm of the couch and walked past him into the kitchen.

He watched her as she went to the kitchen and pulled a couple of papers from the neat stack on the counter. "What?" He had no idea what it could be. His eyes were narrowed, his brows knit together.

She walked over to him and handed them to him. "Why don't you tell me?" Now, she looked at him and he found her blue eyes troubled and hurt.

He glanced at the heading and saw 'Mercy General Hospital' across the top. "Is it a bill from the accident? Insurance will cover it." He asked as he looked up at Kathy.

"No. That's what I thought, too." Her arms folded, she was leaning against the counter opposite from him. She watched his face as he began to read.

The blood drained from his face as his eyes widened, his mouth opened and then closed. He swallowed hard and finally turned his eyes to hers. "You were never supposed to see this unless it was necessary. I would have told you about it then." He explained.

"How could you even think of doing something like this without discussing it with me first, Elliot?" She was trying to stay calm, but it was a losing battle.

"Look, Kath...this is my body. My drivers' license says 'Organ Donor' across it. I didn't have to have your permission for that and I don't see the difference here." He was getting angry at having to defend what he felt was a personal decision.

"Well, apparently the state of New York does and you should, too! If you die, your organs wouldn't do you any good. But, if you voluntarily donate an organ while you are alive, you could die from complications of the surgery. That's the difference, Elliot!" So much for calm. She was yelling at him.

"Kathy, listen..." He started but she interrupted.

"No, you listen. You are _not_ doing this! She didn't look that sick today! In fact, she seemed fine!" She yelled at him, her face red with anger.

"The doctor said it could take days before we know for sure her kidneys won't fail..." He wanted her to understand.

"You are not doing this, Elliot!" She was still yelling.

"Kathy, Liv is sick. I'm her partner and it's my job to watch her back." He knew this was the wrong thing to say.

"That's taking partnership to a new level, don't you think? Somehow I don't think organ donation is included in the job description." Her fingers made quote signs when she said 'partnership'. Her entire demeanor exuded sarcasm.

"Kathy...I have to do this..." Trailing off, he searched for the words he needed to make her understand.

"No! You don't! If it were you lying there sick, you think she would offer to do this for you? I don't think so!" Her voice was beginning to crack from all the yelling.

"Yes, she would. She told me she would." He so wanted to get a shower and go to bed.

"And you believe her?" She laughed out loud at this. At him. "How can you possible know that, Elliot? You think she would willing have her body sliced up to donate a kidney? No. No way!" She shook her head in disbelief that he would think she would be willing to do this for him.

"There was this case we had...where a man gave his wife a kidney...remember? I told her I would give her a kidney and she told me not if she gave me hers first. Well, I'm first, Kathy. I get to do this for her. And, yes, if the situation were reversed, she would do the same for me." How can you make someone understand something so intangible?

"Elliot, she can't even keep a relationship longer than a couple of months. She's selfish...she's never had to think about someone else over herself. She's a beautiful woman and there is no way she would scar her body to do that for anyone! Even you!" She could not believe her husband was so adamant about doing this for another woman and so blind as to truly believe Olivia would do the same for him.

"Shut up, Kathy! You know nothing about Olivia!" He had stepped up to her and was inches from her face. His eyes rained daggers at her. "The last thing she is, is selfish. She is the kindest, most compassionate, most giving person I have ever known. Yes, she is beautiful, but it's her inward beauty that is most attractive. She is not vain. She said she would give me a kidney and I know she would do just that, if I needed it, no matter what kind of scars it would leave." His body was beginning to tremble with the rage he was attempting to hold at bay.

"Listen to yourself, Elliot. Defending her as though she is your lover and you feel honor bound to protect her. Is she? Is that where all this is coming from?" Her soft laughter held not a trace of humor.

"I am not even going to bother to answer that question. You know there is nothing going on between me and Liv. Liv is my partner, my best friend and I would do anything for her." He was starting to get a headache from the blood pounding in his head. If the truth be known, Liv had turned down his advances because of Kathy, because of their marriage, because Liv was thinking of the kids, Kathy, him...everyone but herself. How dare Kathy say these things!

"And if it were me, El? Would you do that for me?" Her eyes locked on his and she saw the answer she needed. He would. She knew he would.

The look in his eyes softened, and his voice was tender as he answered her. "Kathy, you know I would do the same for you." He would. They may not get along and he may wish he was not married to her anymore, but he would always love her, care about her and he would do this for her as well.

"I still don't see how you can know she would actually do that for you." Kathy shook her head. She was still angry that he would chose to do this and she was jealous that he had feelings strong enough that he didn't think twice about it and or the implicit conclusion most people would draw from this act.

"Look, all you need to know is, if she needs it, I am going to do this for Liv. So, just sign the paper and I'll take it to Dr. Bonsall so he will have it if it's needed." He held it out to her.

She pushed his hand away. "How magnanimous of you. I've known for years she means a lot to you, Elliot, but, this is far more than just a partner, whether you are willing to admit it or not." The anger was back and Kathy's eyes were like the blue flames of the hottest part of a fire.

"Yea. She's my best friend." He said loudly, his cold, midnight blue eyes never wavering from her stare, his jaw muscle twitching.

She had stepped up close to him, barely a foot a way. "I've heard that so many times, I'm sick of it. No, Elliot. It's more than partner, more than best friend. You caressed her face. You kissed her fingers. What kind of best friend does that? I watched you that night in the hospital Elliot. It was written all over your face." She carefully searched his eyes, his face. "You're in love with her." Her voice had become a whisper at the last statement.

Closing his eyes tightly, he sighed, opened them again and looked her straight in the eye. "Just sign the paper, Kathy. His voice was quiet, pleading. "Please." He laid it on the counter and turned it toward her.

His wife looked at him, her eyes searching his for several very long minutes. "And if I refuse?" Her voice was barely audible.

The thought that she really might not sign it, never entered his mind. He knew she would be upset about him wanting to do this...more for what it said about his feelings for Olivia than anything to do with his well being. But, if Liv needed a kidney and Kathy refused...well, he just did not even want to think about the affects that would have on all of them.

He just stared at her, then ran both his hands through his hair and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. He placed both his hands on the counter and leaned over it. He took a deep breath and spoke slowly. "Then this marriage is over."

She watched him as he seemed to struggle for air. She opened a drawer and found an ink pen. She looked up at him again for another long moment. Then, she pulled the paper to her, signed it and shoved it back toward him. "This marriage has been over for years, Elliot." The words were simply and quietly stated. No anger, only resignation. She left the room and he heard the stairs moan under her footsteps.

Holding the signed paper in his right hand by his side, he tilted his head upward, rubbed his neck and chin with his left hand as a deep, long sigh escaped from the innermost part of his soul.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_As usual you guys have been absolutely amazing with your reviews! I am so pumped! I could keep writing all night! " ) Bensler_

**MaryWhite: **_Olivia_** does **_feel the same as Elliot...but he is married! Her values and his Catholic background would not allow for an affair. It has to be all or nothing! And she is SICK and TIRED of being alone! I am sick and tired of her being alone, too! Hear me, NBC?_

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**_: I promise I am not trying to mock, disappoint or be mean to you...just hang with me... 'just under the surface' it is all fine. _

**Benslerfan**_: Yep...my mind seems to always be in overdrive with ideas...already got some for another story...but I really need to take a break!_

**EandOalways**_: Thanks for commenting on twins-leukemia aspect...I was not sure how that would go over..._

**country-till-I-die**_: Thanks for specifics on your reviews. I really like that._

_Thanks again to ALL of you!_


	14. Devotion

**Chapter 14 - Devotion**

**Cara's Café **

**Wednesday, January 23, 10:47 p.m.**

Where could she be? She was late. Past late. He knew something must have happened. He called her cell phone, not once or twice but at least a dozen times. It went straight to her voice mail each time meaning that she had it set to that, or the cell phone was turned off. In between calling her cell, he tried her home phone. No answer and he left innumerable messages on her answering machine. Finally, he tried her work number and had the same result as with the cell and home phones. She was now almost two hours late.

He'd had to work late again tonight, but she had agreed to meet him for a late supper at 9:00 at Cara's Café just down the street from her building. He just wanted to see her for a little bit. Where could she be? He was really beginning to worry about her. Since she was just getting over the poisoning, he was afraid that she had gotten sick again. He decided to go by her place, just in case maybe she had forgotten or her phone was out of order. Who was he kidding? What were the chances of both phones being on the blink? There was no answer at her apartment. He decided to call Lake and see if he knew where she might be or what was going on.

"Hey, Ches. Listen, Liv was suppose to meet me at 9:00 at a café near her place and she's never showed. I've been calling her cell, her home and work and no answer. You know where she might be? I'm really getting worried." Pierce explained to Lake.

"Uh..no, man. I know she was really tired early this afternoon. I suggested she leave early and she did...around 3:00, 3:30...figured she went home to rest. You go by there?" Lake told him. He was concerned, too, but did not let on to Pierce.

"Yea...no answer...I couldn't get in to actually go to her apartment to listen for sounds or anything..." Pierce sounded worried.

"Look...let me make a couple of calls and see what I can find out...and I'll get back to you...okay?" He told Pierce.

He ended the call and dialed Liv's cell. Maybe she was avoiding Pierce and if she saw a work related number she would answer. No. It went straight to voice mail. Lake felt the anxiety creep up on him, now. He dialed another number. The one of the person who would know where Liv was, if anyone knew.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Wednesday, January 23, 10:52 p.m.**

Elliot had just stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, when his cell phone rang. He sure hoped it was not work. He desperately needed just one good night's sleep. Picking it up, he looked at the caller I.D and groaned.

"Crap." It was Lake. They must have caught another case.

"Stabler." He answered brusquely.

"Elliot...you know where Liv is?" Lake sounded out of breath and did not bother with niceties.

"No. Haven't seen or talked to her since around 3:00. Why?" He immediately sensed something was wrong.

"She was suppose to meet Pierce at 9:00. She never showed. Can't get her on her cell, home or at work. He went by her place...got any idea where she might have gone?" Lake's words rushed from his mouth.

"Uh...no...no. You try Casey? Munch and Fin? Or Cragen? Maybe they know something." He suggested, as the beat of his heart rapidly increased as panic rose within him.

"Yea, yea. I'll try them. Pierce called Casey...she hasn't talked to her all day. I'll call the others. Thanks." He was just about to hang up when Elliot spoke again.

"Let me know as soon as you find her...no matter what time." He told Lake and then ended the call.

This effectively ended any hope of sleep he had envisioned. He wished he had told Lake he would make a couple of the calls himself. At least that way, he could feel like he was doing something, anything but sitting here waiting to hear back from Lake. Where could she be? He had a feeling things were not okay. Don't ask why. It was not something that could be explained. He just felt it and knew that he was right. And all he could do was sit there and wait for the word to prove he was right.

"Where ever you are, Liv, please be okay. Please" He said, not even realizing he had spoken aloud until he heard Kathy mumble behind him in bed.

He quietly slipped out of the bedroom and made his way to the living room couch.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Lake Residence**

**Wednesday, January 23, 10:56 p.m.**

Lake decided to go right to the top to start calling. "This better be good, Lake." Captain Cragen answered grumpily.

"Sorry, Cap'n. Do you know where Liv is? Pierce called about ten minutes ago. She was suppose to meet him at a café at 9:00. She never came. We both tried and she does not answer her cell, home or work. He went by her place...and I called Elliot. He had no idea where she might be."

Cragen looked at the clock on his night stand. It turned 10:57 p.m. He scrubbed his face with his hand. "If Elliot doesn't know, the next person most likely to, would be Casey..." The edges of fear were moving in upon him. This was not like Liv at all.

"She hasn't talked to her all day." Lake interjected.

"Could she have gone back to the crib? I'll call the night desk and get someone to check. In the meantime, try Munch and Fin." He was now wide awake and in Captain mode. "Let me know what they say as soon as you talk with them." He got up out of bed as he ended the call and started the next one.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Mercy General Hospital **

**Wednesday, January 23, 11:20 p.m.**

Munch looked over at Olivia as she slept. She seemed peaceful but still he was worried about his friend. She refused to be persuaded to let him tell anyone she was here. Again, she specifically told him Elliot was not to know. His stomach rumbled and he realized he was very hungry so he decided to go down to the hospital cafeteria for a bite. Walking into the elevator, he picked up his cell phone and turned it back on. Hospital regulations did not allow cells phones to be on around patients and all the medical equipment.

He was immediately on alert when the message said he had thirteen missed calls and nearly as many voice messages, all in the last twenty five minutes or so. Must be a big break or a big case because everyone of his colleagues, as well as Captain Cragen and Casey, had tried to call. There were two each from Cragen, Fin and Casey, three from Lake, and four from Elliot. He decided not to waste any time listening to the messages. He'd call Cragen and see what was going on. Before he could do that, the phone rang with another call. It was Lake again.

"What's up, Lake?" Munch answered.

"Why the heck haven't you answered your phone? Are you with Liv? We can't find her?" He sounded upset.

John was caught off guard, immediately thinking about what Liv had said about not telling anyone she was in the hospital. "Uh...why?" He asked.

"What? Come on, John! Do you know where she is or not?" Lake's anger was quite evident in his voice.

"Well...maybe...but who wants to know?" He was determined to respect Liv's wishes.

"Liv was suppose to meet Pierce for dinner at 9:00. She never came. Never called. We've been trying to call her and there is no answer on her cell, home or work phones. He went by her place...Cragen's having the crib checked and I called Elliot. He had no idea where she might be. Pierce is worried sick and tell you the truth, I am, too. Now, do you know where she is, Munch?" He was trying very hard not to holler.

Munch sighed, knowing he had to tell the truth. "Yea. I know where she is."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Wednesday, January 23, 11:25 p.m.**

The ringer on the cell barely started before Elliot had it flipped open. "Stabler."

"Elliot, Liv's with Munch. She forgot about dinner." Lake told him. Munch did not want him to tell Elliot Liv was in the hospital. Lake told him he did not think it was a good idea to withhold that from him. Not a good idea, at all.

"Okay...what's she doing with Munch?" He could not think of any reason for Liv to be with Munch at this time of the night. Or any time of the night.

"He didn't say. But, she's okay." Lake hated hiding the truth, mainly because he knew there was going to be a big price to pay when Elliot did find out. And he would sooner or later.

"They on a case?" He wanted to know what was going on. Why would Cragen put them together especially with Liv still recovering?

"He didn't say...look, I need to go and make some other calls." He hoped this worked.

"Yea...yea, sure." Elliot was completely puzzled now, but ended the call.

His mind was in overdrive trying to figure out the conversation he had just had with Lake. There was more to this whole thing, he knew it. He also knew Lake was not forthcoming, he was definitely trying to hide something from him. His detective skills were finely honed and he knew when he was being duped, even if it was from a trusted colleague. Laying his cell on the end table, he walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of orange juice. While he was leaning against the counter drinking, he heard his cell ring again. He half ran back to the living room and grabbed it.

"Stabler." He did not bother with caller I.D.

"Mr. Stabler? I am sorry to be calling you so late. My name is Clara Larson and I am nurse at Mercy General. You are listed as the next of kin and..." Before she could finish, he interrupted.

"What's happened? What's wrong? Just tell me!" Suddenly, he felt like all the air was sucked out of him. He thought of Maureen and then Olivia.

"Oh...I am so sorry...everything is fine...that's what I'm calling to tell you. Everything went well with Ms. Benson and she will be dismissed sometime before noon tomorrow. She will need a ride home."

"What? What?" His breathing started again, but it was ragged. "What about Liv? What are you talking about?" He had no idea what she meant.

"It says you are Ms. Olivia Benson's next of kin...has that changed, sir?" She was cautious now.

"Uh...no...no. I just...don't know what you are talking about." He was getting a headache now, probably from his exploding blood pressure.

"She was admitted late this afternoon in kidney failure and has undergone dialysis but is doing well now." Her voice sounded unsure.

"Kidney failure? Dialysis?" He was sure he was going to have a stroke from all the anger and turmoil he felt inside.

"Perhaps you should talk to Dr. Bonsall." She suggested.

"You think? Don't worry, I intend to do just that. Is anyone with her now?" His fury was still mounting.

"I'm not sure about now. But, earlier there was an older gentleman with her. Will someone be here for her tomorrow upon dismissal?" She asked.

Older gentleman? Cragen? Munch? They would have called him. Wouldn't they? Then he remembered that Lake had said Liv was with Munch. He did not call Elliot. He was going to kill someone! "Uh...yea. Yea...someone will be there. Thanks." He ended the call without hearing her ending reply and was already near the top of the stairs to go get dressed.

He did not even try to be quiet as he opened and shut drawers. He pulled on a pair of jeans and sweatshirt. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he began putting on socks and tennis shoes. His movements woke Kathy.

"Elliot? What's going on? You have to go to work?" She asked, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"No. Not work. Work-related." He did not want to get into another argument with her. He stood and found his watch and put it on.

"Where are you going?" She was more awake now.

He put his wallet in his back pocket, clipped on his badge and cell phone. Taking a deep breath and staring at her, he decided to tell her the truth. "Liv was admitted to the hospital in kidney failure this afternoon. I'm going to see about her."

Their eyes held for a long minute. Kathy nodded her head. "Hurry."

- - - - - - - - - -

**Mercy General Hospital **

**Wednesday, January 23, 11:50 p.m.**

Within thirty minutes of Munch telling Lake where he was, Lake, Pierce and Cragen arrived at the hospital. Lake and Munch were in a small waiting room down the hall from Liv's room. Cragen and Pierce had gone into see her.

Cragen, satisfied that she was okay, had left Pierce in the room and come back out to talk to Munch and Lake. "I'm going to head home. She's fine and there's no need for all of us to be here." He picked up his coat from the chair he had laid it on and turned toward the door. Just as he did, they heard a commotion coming from the direction of the nurses station. There were people talking including a very loud man's voice.

"I don't care what you think! Tell me where she is!" No doubt that whoever this voice belonged to was extremely angry.

Cragen, Munch and Lake looked at each other, all recognizing the furious, thundering, voice at the same time. Cragen led the way from the room in a slight jog.

"Sir, if you don't calm down, I am going to have to call security." A nurse with dark brown hair and a fearful look on her face spoke to him.

He laughed. "Go ahead! Call security! I'm NYPD and I want to know where my partner is!" His face was red and his fists were balled up at his side.

"Elliot! Take it easy!" Walking toward him, Cragen spoke firmly to his detective.

Elliot looked up at Cragen and then past him as Munch came into view. Quicker than lightening, before it even registered to Cragen or Lake what Elliot was about to do, he was on Munch shoving him up against the wall. In his left hand he had grabbed up a fistful of Munch's jacket, shirt and tie, while his right fist was suspended in mid air behind his head ready to pummel into Munch's face.

"You son of a..." He grunted as he shoved Munch harder up against the wall."Why didn't you let me know Liv was here? Why didn't you call me?" He was like a raging bull. Unstoppable.

Cragen and Lake each grabbed one of Elliot's arms and attempted to pull him off of Munch. Running on adrenaline and anger, Elliot was almost stronger than the two of them. They did manage to get him off Munch, but keeping him off was another matter.Jerking loose of them both, he was back in Munch's face and they were right back on him.

"Why didn't you tell me, Munch!? Liv's my partner! You should have called me! Why didn't you call me?!!" He was hollering at him, the vein in his forehead pulsating, his face a deep red

"She didn't want you to know..." Munch was barely able to get the words out between Elliot's barrage of questions.

"What? What do you mean?" He visibly began to deflate, to calm down and he released his hold on Munch.

"She made me promise not to tell you." Munch straightened his clothing, his eyes never leaving Elliot.

"Promise not to tell...why...why would she do that?" He was bewildered at the statement. He looked down at the floor, shaking his head.

"I don't know...you tell me...what did you to her this time, Elliot?" Munch asked glare was accusatory.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Suddenly, the anger was back and he took a step toward Munch.

Lake pulled him back. "Hey, man...just chill, okay. Chill. You want to see Liv or not?"

"Where is she?" He turned to Lake, forgetting about Munch.

Lake glanced at Captain Cragen who gave an almost imperceptible nod of his head. "She's right down here."

When they entered the room, Pierce was standing at the bedside holding Olivia's hand. She was awake and when Lake and Elliot came in she looked up. Her smile at Lake dissolved and her face became an unreadable mask as soon as she saw Elliot. She looked over at Pierce and could see that he was not happy about this latest visitor.

Elliot did not know what to do. He wanted to talk to Liv. Alone. He knew she did not want him to know she was there and she was probably mad at him for being there and mad at Munch, thinking he betrayed her. He simply ignored Pierce, wishing he would just go away.

He cleared his throat. "The...uh... hospital called...uh...they said you'd need a ride home in the morning...I didn't know what she was talking about...uh...I came as soon as I heard..." He was extremely uncomfortable with everyone in there.

Liv looked around the room and then back at Elliot. She knew he wanted to talk to her alone. She wanted the same thing but not necessarily right now.

She patted Pierce's hand with her free hand."Would you mind leaving us alone for a minute?"

"Liv? You didn't want Stabler to know...so why do you want to talk to him now? And privately?" Pierce was trying to keep his voice even, but she knew he was angry.

"Pierce, please. I just...need to talk to Elliot...alone." Her eyes silently pleaded with him to go.

Reluctantly, he left the room, glaring at Elliot as he walked past him to leave. Lake followed behind. The door slowly closed behind them, leaving Elliot and Olivia alone. The silence was thick and awkward. They looked at each other and then quickly looked away. They did this several times, Elliot never moving from where he had stood when he and Lake first entered the room.

Liv was determined she would not be the one to break the ice. He had, for all intents and purposes, ignored her all day, treated her like she was nothing, nobody...so, if anything got said, he would be the one to start the conversation, because she felt he owed her an apology for his actions.

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He fidgeted with the change in his pocket. He looked at her lying there in the bed. Other than being very pale, she looked fine. But he knew how deceptive that could be. He tried again to speak and this time the words came.

"Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you want me know you were here?" He asked softly, staring at the floor.

She was silent. He looked up to see she was looking down, her fingers playing with the edge of the sheet. "Liv...tell me...please?"

Still not looking at him, she took a deep breath and spoke quietly. "I didn't think you would care..."

"Are you kidding me? How can you say that after all..." The words spewed out of his mouth in anger before he even knew they were formed in his brain.

Shock and anger flooded her face and she now presented him with an icy glare, her voice raised to match his. "How? How? You have walked around all day with your cold shoulder, ignoring me, barely speaking, brushing me aside, mocking me, acting like you could not care less...just like you've done for the last ten months...and then...that...that...scene with...never mind...and you think I would come to you for help after the way you've treated me? You think I want you around me when I'm sick? You think I would dare call you and tell you I needed you? What? Are you here to assuage your guilty conscience? Give me a break, Elliot." Rarely had she felt such fury.

He could see she was breathing very hard from the rapid rise and fall of her chest. He knew her heart rate had increased from the quickened beep of the heart monitor attached to her. He worried that she should not be getting so upset, but that did not stop his retorts.

Hollering right back at her, he was on the edge, about to come totally unhinged. "That's right, Liv. I am acting! Pretending like I don't care! Is it any worse than you pretending we never said the things we said? Don't feel the things we do? That's the only way I have even a chance to survive! Pretend that you can't hurt me because I don't care! And I thought I could make it work until I got that call from the hospital. I thought I would go nuts before I could get here and see for myself that you are okay. You want to pretend last night never happened? Go ahead...but...I...I can not do it, Liv. I just can't." His voice was loud and angry, but his eyes betrayed the anguish and hurt he felt.

The door squeaking open, caught their attention and they stopped hollering. Neither of them looked at Pierce as he stuck his head in the door. "Liv? Everything okay? We can hear you all the way down the hall..."

"Fine. Everything's fine." Her lips were set in a thin line, her left eyebrow cocked and if Pierce knew her better, he would know not to push the issue.

Elliot's hard glare never left her and she only glanced at Pierce before returning to bore holes into Elliot once again. He wanted to turn around and pick Pierce up and literally throw him out of the room.

"Do you want me to stay and..." Pierce began.

"No! I told you, everything's fine! Just leave us alone!" She was furious that he had interrupted. Furious he felt like he had the right.

"Okay...uh...I'll be down the hall if you need anything." He looked between Liv and Elliot as he quickly backed out of the room.

They continued to glare at one another. Finally, Elliot, thinking about what she had said and conceding that she was right, he had acted like he could not have cared less, and he was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over the way he treated her and now she was more sick than ever, broke.

Looking away from her, he took a few steps closer to the bed. "Liv...I don't want to fight or argue. I just needed to see you, to know you are okay. I..."

"Why? Why did you need to see me Elliot? You would hardly look at me today and you didn't speak to me unless it was work related and absolutely necessary, and when I asked you a question it was all you could do to grunt a few responses! So, why? Why did you need to see me now?" She was on a roll and she was not letting him off easy.

"Because...because...I was worried about you, Liv...if something happened to you..." He felt nauseated, just saying this.

"What? You'd feel guilty because you treated me like crap? Or relieved that I was out of your way." She snorted and shook her head.

There was no time to react to what he did next. He charged across the room, grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her. "No! No! Don't you ever say that! Don't you ever think that!" He hissed, inches from her face. Then taking her face in his hands he looked deep into her eyes, he pulled her to him. He ran his hands through her hair, up and down her back, murmuring against her neck.

"Elliot...Elliot..." She could not breath. There simply was not enough air in the room. She thought her lungs would burst.

"Olivia, I couldn't go on without you! I can't go on, now, knowing I can't be with you." He could barely get words out past the lump in his throat.

Warm liquid fell on her neck and she knew he was crying and she was, too, their tears mixing becoming one substance. Like them, like they had always been. Two separate people, yet one entity. Sometimes, she did not know the difference between the two of them. They were so enmeshed, so entangled, they had no beginning or end.

"Elliot...we can't do this...oh, god...we just can't..." Her weak protests were more to convince herself than him.

"I know...but...what we talked about last night...you think that changed? You think just because you told me to go on and live my life, that my feelings for you changed?" He was struggling to find the words without coming right and saying what he felt. He had done that last night and look where it got him.

"I don't know what I think, Elliot. I'm so confused about everything...I just don't know..." She felt tears streaming down her cheeks.

She clung to him, like he was life. He was her life. She had know that for a long time, but was never willing to admit it because there was nothing to be done about it. They had missed their opportunity when he was separated. She just wanted everything and everyone to go away. She wanted it to be just her and Elliot and she wanted to be back in his arms like last night. In his arms where she felt safe and content and complete and...loved. She just wanted to be with him. She wanted to be able to tell him over and over again how much she loved him. She wanted to show him how much she loved him. And yet, she could not do these things.

Elliot was vaguely aware that he need to extricate himself from her. Pierce or any one of the others could come in at any minute and he did not think any amount of explaining would suffice if they were caught wrapped in each other's arms, crying and carrying on. He pulled away from her and held her at arm's length. She did not want to let go. He took her hand so they would still have a some point of contact.

"Kathy signed the consent form tonight. How ironic is it that you were in the hospital at that very moment?" He shook his head as his index finger traced her fingers.

"What consent form?" She did not know what he was talking about.

"Oh...uh...nothing. How are you feeling now?" He tried to change the subject.

"Elliot...what consent form?" She demanded.

"State of New York says a married living donor has to have the spouse's permission to donate an organ." He explained.

"And Kathy signed it?" Olivia's expression was one of complete surprise.

"Yea." He smiled at her and hoped she would drop the subject.

"Why? I mean, she doesn't even really like me and I can't see her being willing to let you to that...especially not for me..." She mused.

"What you mean she doesn't like you? What's not to like?" He grinned and kissed the top of her head.

Her laugh was sarcastic and hollow. "She's been jealous of me for years, Elliot. Why would she willingly help me stick around? What did you do? Threaten her?" She said it jokingly, but she was serious.

"Liv, all you need to know is...I'm here for you...no matter what you need...no matter when you need it...I'm here for you now and forever. Don't you forget that, you hear me?" He hugged her one last time before he headed for the door. His eyes reflected the same devotion for her that his words proclaimed. "Goodnight, Liv."

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Reviews? Reviews? I forgot to put a blurb here...need reviews to know if I am doing okay with this. Okay...really, my ego just needs some stroking! LOL! J/K! No. No, I am not j/k! " ) Bensler_


	15. Determined

**Chapter 15 - Determined **

**SVU Squad Room**

**Thursday, January 24, 8:45 a.m. **

Cragen was talking animatedly on the phone and Munch pointed that out to Elliot. Bits and pieces of the conversation could be overheard, so they knew he was talking about the Stanford case. At one point, he turned and looked out toward them and motioned with the crook of his finger to all four of them to come to his office. As they filed in, Cragen was hanging up the phone.

"That was Captain Sam Lang at the 84th in Brooklyn...they got a domestic call...lots of threats and hollering turned physical...three 911 calls from neighbors...another one from a woman saying she was suppose to contact Elliot if her son showed up...it's the Stanford residence. He's agreed to let us in on it because of the case. I want all four of you on it now. Get going."

Lake and Fin were already out the door and Munch and Elliot followed close behind. "Elliot...just a minute." Cragen called.

"Yes, Sir?" Elliot turned back to the Captain.

"How's Olivia? Is she still getting out this morning?" His concern about her was evident.

"I...uh...haven't talked to her...there was no answer in her room...cell is cut off." Elliot told him.

"You suppose to take her home? We can work something out if you..." He knew how close the two of them were and fully expected him to be the one to pick her up.

"Uh...no. She told me last night that Kent would take her." He replied tersely.

"Oh...yea...I forgot about him." Seeing the flash of pain and then anger that crossed Elliot's face, Cragen was sorry he had even asked. "Munch is waiting."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Stanford Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 9:15 a.m.**

Pandemonium was the only word that came to Elliot's mind to describe the current state of things at the Stanford residence this morning. Apparently, the main brawl had been between the twins, Michael and Mitchell, over what exactly was not yet clear. Marty had spent three days in jail, posted bond and he was part of the fracas, as well. Of course, the elder Stanfords were understandably upset.

Michael either did not have time or the presence of mind to run when the police came or he did not think they had an interest in him as a suspect in a crime. Then again, even if he thought they were looking for him, he would not have known they had figured out his real name. However, as soon as he saw Elliot and Munch come into the house, he recognized them from Bert's and tore off out the backdoor. Elliot was right behind him. Munch was hollering for the unis to get backup to the alley behind the house. It was unnecessary, because the gate in the eight foot high wooden fence that lined the back yard was padlocked. As Michael scaled the fence and was just about over it, Elliot jumped up, grabbed his right foot and pulled him down. Out of sheer instinct, Elliot started pummeling him. Not because he was trying to get away or swinging at Elliot, but because he had hurt Liv. Elliot was out of control and could not stop hitting him. Fin got to him first.

"Back off, man!" Fin grabbed at Elliot and tried to pull him off of Michael. "Elliot, beating the crap out of him ain't gonna do any good!" He yelled the words trying to get Elliot's attention.

"Doing wonders for me!" He snapped, out of breath. He nearly hit Fin in his effort to get Michael. "Get off me!" He jerked away from Fin and snatched Michael up again.

Lake and Munch were there now and the three of them were able to pull Elliot away and keep him off this time. He was still raging and swinging at anyone in order to get to Michael again. Judging from the busted lip, swollen eye and purple bruises already forming, he had done enough damage. Someone had to get him calmed down before he did something worse.

"Elliot, getting suspended or fired is not going to help Liv's case. And she needs you. You hear me?" Munch hissed right into his ear. "Liv needs you." At the mention of Olivia, he visibly settled down, his breathing still heavy, but becoming more even.

Lake cuffed Michael and looked at Elliot. "You want the pleasure?"

Elliot just looked at Lake and then nodded. He went over and roughly grabbed Michael by the arm. "Michael Stanford, you are under arrest for the attempted murder and aggravated assault of an officer of the law, Detective Olivia Benson. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you...do you understand the rights I have just stated to you?"

Michael was silent. "Do you understand the rights I have just stated to you?" Elliot highly irritated, repeated the question, as he pushed Michael's arm up behind him inflicting enough pain to get an answer.

Michael yelped his response, the pain in his arm causing his voice to hitch an octave higher. "Yea. Yea, I understand."

All five of them headed back into the house, Michael stumbling as Elliot shoved him along. When they came in, one of the 84th precinct's officers made a comment about Michael.

"What the heck happened out there?" Officer Schneider asked, nodding his head at Michael.

"Detective Stabler had to use a little self defense, if you know what I mean, man. That's all." Fin replied.

"Oh...yea...I know what you mean. These perps always want to try to scream police brutality. I totally get it." Officer Schneider grinned and nodded.

"All right. Let's see if we can sort this out." Munch spoke to the entire group.

He looked around the room. Marty and Mitchell, standing in the corner of the living room, each had a uniformed cop at their side. Mrs. Stanford kneeling in front of Michael, who was now sitting in a chair at the dining table, was trying to assess the injuries to her son, a third uniformed cop beside him. Then his gaze fell on Mr. Stanford, standing by his wife, looking like he wanted to do some pummeling of his own, his glare locked on Elliot.

"Mr. Stanford, let's start with you. Tell me what happened here, please." Munch directed his unwavering gaze at the older man.

He just looked at Munch for a minute, then swiped his hands through his hair and pulled out a chair from under the table and sat down.

"I was just getting out of the shower when...when I heard loud voices." He began. "Lenora was not in bed and then I heard her crying, asking them to stop...I thought someone had broken in and was hurting her."

"What time was this?" Munch asked, writing in his note pad.

"A little before seven. I threw on sweats and ran downstairs. Michael was here and he and Mitchell and Marty were arguing."

"You were told to contact Detective Stabler if Michael showed up or contacted you. Why didn't you do that immediately?" Munch glanced over at Elliot who was trying his best to contain his anger.

"I just didn't think about it...I...I was too worried about my wife...she was crying...and the boys were all hollering and pushing and shoving each other...I didn't think about it in the commotion...and then..." He trailed off.

"Then? Then what?" He prodded Mr. Stanford.

"When Michael saw me, he came at me, getting in my face. Mitchell held him back and he started yelling at me, telling me it was all my fault what he had done...that he was only trying to help Marty...that he thought if he did...that maybe...maybe it would make up for him being a disappointment to me, to us." Tears were pooling in Mr. Stanford's eyes.

"Trying to help Marty? Help him how? What did he do? And why is he a disappointment? Because of school?" Munch was confused.

"I think...uh...I think I should not say anything else, without an attorney present." Mr. Stanford was suddenly in control of his emotions and stood from his chair.

Mitchell, quietly listening to all of this, spoke up. "Why not, Dad? They already know...it's just a matter of time before they have all the evidence they need...if they don't already have it."

"Mitchell..." Mr. Stanford warned.

"No! Dad...he tried to kill someone! Murder, Dad! Even though he's my brother, I can't just let sit by and do nothing!" Mitchell's face showed the turmoil he felt within.

"Shut up, Mitchell, shut up!" Marty screamed at him.

Chaos immediately enveloped the room. Mrs. Stanford started crying, Michael jumped up, his hands cuffed behind him and raced headlong into Mitchell knocking him down and falling on top of him. Mitchell's fist then connected with Michael's jaw. Mitchell shoved him off of him as Marty ran over and got off two hits to Mitchell before Lake and Fin grabbed him, pulled him away and cuffed him. Officers were scrambling trying to separate all of the boys. Elliot helped Mitchell up, just as Mr. Stanford came up and swung his fist at Mitchell, missing him because Elliot, trying to stop him, jumped between them and took the hit instead. Elliot then jumped Mr. Stanford, shoving his right arm up behind him and then cuffed him before he could do anything else.

"Take them all in. We'll finish our questioning in a more secure location." Munch told his crew.

"Which precinct?" One of the 84th officers asked.

"The 1-6. We'll take it from here. Thanks for all your help. I'll make sure Captain Lang knows you guys did a good job." Munch said, as he survey the scene before him.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Interrogation Room 2**

**Thursday, January 24, 10:40 a.m.**

Mitchell Stanford's head hung low, his chin resting on his chest. "I had just finished getting dressed for work...I was suppose to be there at 8:30...I need to call them...as I came into the kitchen, there was a knock at the back door. It was Michael. I...I knew we were suppose to call you if we saw or heard from him,,,but, I wanted to...to hear what he had to say." His eyes were glued to the table before him.

"Go on." Elliot was sitting calmly at the table, directly across from Mitchell. Munch leaned against the wall to Elliot's right, listening.

"He wanted to talk to Marty, so I went upstairs to the guest room and woke him up. Michael told him he had decided to try to help him out of this mess with Ariel. That he knew Marty could never do the things she accused him of...that he knew that lady detective put all those thoughts in Ariel's head and he decided he would take care of her and then there would be no one to testify against Marty in the trial about Ariel."

"I thought Michael was somewhat estranged from the family? How did he know about the accusations against Marty?" Elliot's eyes narrowed as he questioned Mitchell.

"It's really Dad that he doesn't get along with and he...he resents me...because...because I've done well and he hasn't. He talks to Mom every now and then...she let him know what had happened." He looked up at Elliot, tears shining in his eyes.

"And Marty? How do Michael and Marty get along?" Elliot needed to know the dynamics of each relationship.

"Marty has always been the best big brother a guy could want. Michael and I are really close to him...we all were close until Dad refused to pay for Michael's college when he failed a couple of classes...then it's like he started hating me because I did what he should have...you know, good son, bad son...he'd do anything for Marty...but, I don't know how he could have done this...I don't know what happened to him that he could actually try to kill someone..." The tears spilled over.

"Do you know for a fact that he did try to kill Detective Benson?" Elliot's heart constricted at his own question, making him think of how sick Olivia was right now.

"He's my brother...my twin...you can't know what that's like...he's more a part of me than anyone...like he's an extension of myself...and I love him...I love my brother...you just don't know how it feels to tell you all this...betray him...our connection..." A sob tore from him and he put his head across his folded arms on the table.

Elliot reached over and placed a hand on Mitchell's forearm. "I do know what it's like...I have twins...a boy and girl...and I see how close they are...how sometimes it's them against the world. I imagine the connection would be even stronger if they were both the same sex...so, yea, I do know, even if only a little."

Sniffling and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Mitchell looked up at Elliot."How old are they? Your twins?"

Elliot smiled. "Sixteen. Just got their licenses."

Mitchell smiled back. Taking a deep breath, he started talking again. "Michael said he thought that if he could rid her, there'd be no one to testify and the jury would not believe Marty did those things to Ariel. He also thought that if he could help get Marty out of trouble that Dad would be proud of him again..." He shook his head back and forth and looked at Elliot again. "How screwed up is that? To think your Dad would be proud that you were a murderer...?"

"We'll see to that Michael is fully check out by our psychiatrist. Did he tell you how he went about trying to kill Detective Benson?" Elliot felt sorry for Mitchell.

"He was a chem major at Hudson through last spring...somehow they overlooked deactivating his card to get into the lab. That's where he got the arsenic. Then he got a job at Bert's and kept the arsenic in his locker and when he went to work he would put it in his pocket in case Detective Benson came in. When she did, he would try to be the one to fix her meal or drink and would sprinkle the arsenic in it."

Elliot could not believe that they finally had the answers to Liv's case. Everything made sense now. Why she got better when she had several days away from work, why some days she seemed sicker...those were the days she had been to Bert's more than one time per day. They had the perpetrator, they knew where the arsenic came from, they knew how and why Olivia had been poisoned. The only thing they did not know was the final extent of the damage the poison had done or was doing to Liv.

"Is there anything else you need to tell us?" Elliot asked quietly.

Shaking his head, Mitchell leaned back in his chair. "What will happen to him?"

"Right now, he's being charged with attempted murder and aggravated assault of an officer of the law. But, Detective Benson is extremely ill and has been undergoing dialysis because of the damage the poison did to her kidneys. She could possibly get worse and...and..." His voice cracked, tears sprung to his eyes and he found himself unable to continue speaking. He knew he was about to lose control right here in front of everyone, so he quickly left the room. As he exited the room, Cragen who was on the outside watching and listening, called to him. Elliot just waved him off and continued walking away.

Munch straightened up and came over to the table and Mitchell looked up at him. "What Detective Stabler was trying to say, is that if Detective Benson dies as a result of kidney failure, your brother will be facing murder charges."

Mitchell stared at Munch for a long a moment, then nodded his head, just slightly, in understanding. "He really cares about her, huh? A lot."

"Yea." Munch sighed heavily. "A whole lot."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room **

**Thursday, January 24, 11:20 a.m.**

Lake and Fin had gotten a corroboration of Mitchell's story from Mr. Stanford. Michael was being counseled by Dr. Huang before he could be interrogated. But, they all felt sure he would give a full confession, especially since Mr. Stanford said he would talk with him and encourage him to do so. They knew enough now to know he just wanted his father's approval. Marty would not say anything to anybody, even with his attorney advises him to tell what he knew.

Cragen was filled in on everything that happened at the Stanford residence, including the beating Michael had received from Elliot. He had seen Michael and when he asked what had happened, all of his detectives fell silent. No one was going to rat on Elliot but by their silence, but Cragen knew Elliot and was pretty sure he knew what happened but also knew he would get nowhere questioning this crew. So, he called the 84th and talked with Captain Lang. Lang already had the report from his officers.

"Sam...how are you? This is Don at the 1-6. What do you know about our suspects injuries? Looks like someone beat the crap out of him." He stated.

"Hi, Don. I'm fine. Let's see...got the report here somewhere...they just gave it to me. Here we go..." The flipping of pages could be heard in the background. "According to the report, the suspect, Michael Stanford, threw several punches at your Detective...uh...Stabler...and he responded by defending himself and landing a few well placed blows to the perp. That what you needed to know, Don?"

Cragen chuckled and smiled to himself. "That's exactly what I needed to know, Sam. Fax me a copy of the report, please. By the way, my lead said your boys did a good job. Appreciate you letting us know about all this."

"Good to hear. I'll get this report right to you." Lang said and hung up the phone.

Cragen sat at his desk, glanced out at his crew, shook his head and smiled.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Locker Room **

**Thursday, January 24, 11:20 a.m.**

Munch looked all over Elliot and then someone told him to check the locker room. He found him sitting on the bench in front of his and Liv's lockers. His elbows were propped on his spread legs and his head was leaning over being held in his hands.

"You okay?" Munch asked keep his distance.

Elliot quietly sniffled. "Yea..."

"Mr. Stanford corroborated Mitchell's story, Huang is talking to Michael. Marty's refuses to say a word. Cragen and the others think he will cop a full confession when he's interrogated. Looks like this case is closed, Elliot." Munch watch his friend for any reaction.

"Sounds good..." Elliot was still having a hard time talking.

Munch realizing Elliot was upset, tried to give him some encouragement. "You know Liv is going to be okay. She's strong. The doc says that more than likely the kidneys just need some extra help to get back to functioning normally again. That's what the dialysis will do...help..."

"Great. Great...but what's going to help me and Liv get back to functioning normally?Whatever the heck normal is!" He jumped up and began pounding the lockers with his fists.

"Come on, Elliot! What do you think Liv would do or say if she were here right now?"

He stopped just as suddenly as he had started. "I don't know...I don't know..." He laughed bitterly. "I don't know anything anymore." He slumped against the lockers.

Munch was sure there was a whole lot more going on here than Liv's illness or this case. He also knew Elliot was not going to talk much about whatever it was. "How about we go get a bite to eat, take a breather, huh?" Munch suggested.

"Yea, why not?" Elliot pushed off the lockers and followed Munch.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 12:30 p.m.**

Dr. Bonsall had gone ahead a put her through a second regimen of dialysis this morning, so that made her later getting out of the hospital than expected. This way she did not have to go back until tomorrow afternoon. Pierce had stayed the night but gone into work for a few hours during the session, but he came back to take her home even though she insisted she could just get a cab.

"Thanks for bringing me home, Pierce. And picking up my dry cleaning, and getting my mail, and stopping to get me something to eat." She smiled as she waited for him to unlock the door to her apartment. She was glad to be in her own place.

"Hey, you know I would do anything for you, Liv. No problem." He opened the door and held it for her.

Stepping inside behind her, he closed and locked it. The fact that he locked it was not lost on Liv. It meant he intended to stay and she really wanted to be alone. She had been admitted on emergency and only stayed overnight meaning that she had on the same clothes she had worn yesterday. All she wanted was to get a hot shower, some clean clothes and lay down in her own bed and rest. Alone.

Setting the bag of food from a nearby deli on the kitchen table, he turned to get a couple of bottles of water out of the refrigerator. On the way to the table, he pulled of a some paper towels and brought them with him. Opening the bag, he pulled the sandwiches out and put hers in front on one side of the table and his on the other. Watching him, she figured she would at least let him eat with her before she got him to leave.

"I'll be just a minute...need to use the bathroom." She slipped off closing the door to her room.

At just that moment, her home phone rang. Pierce debated on answering it and went to check the caller I.D. It said 'NY Police Department', so he picked it up, thinking it was probably Captain Cragen.

"Benson residence." He spoke clearly.

There was a long silence, so he repeated himself. "Benson residence."

"Yea...Pierce? I need to speak to Liv. Her cell goes straight to voice mail." Elliot said.

"Stabler...yea...she can't come to the phone...she's in the bathroom." Irritation filled his voice.

"Oh...well, how's she doing?" He at least needed to know that much.

"Okay...we are about to eat lunch. I'll tell her you called." He wanted off the phone before Liv came out.

"Uh...all right...tell her to call my cell." He was really aggravated that Pierce answered her phone.

Pierce somehow 'forgot' to tell Liv that Elliot called. Twenty minutes later, he picked up the wrappings and empty bottles from their lunch and put them in the trash. "You want to watch a movie or some T.V.?" He asked.

"Umm...no...actually, I'd like to take a nap." She told him, hoping he would get the message.

"That's fine...you go on and I'll find something to watch on the tube." He started toward the living room.

"Pierce?" She said haltingly, knowing he was not going to understand. "I'd really like to be alone...and I'm sure there are things you need to do at work..."

"Oh...you want me to leave?" He looked like he did not believe her. "Really?"

"Yea, I really want to be alone." She raised her eyebrows at him and nodded.

"Alone? Okay...well...can I see you later? After work?" He sounded unsure of himself.

"I really think I should take it easy and rest tonight, okay?" She was not sure if she really wanted to be alone or she just did not want to be with Pierce. She would figure that out later, but right now she wanted him to leave.

He hugged her, kissed her and said goodbye. She headed for a hot shower and nap.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Thursday, January 24, 12:40 p.m.**

Elliot and Munch came back from lunch around 12:30. He had called Liv's cell several times, but it kept going to her voice mail. He left a couple of messages but then decided he was beginning to sound desperate...well, he was...but he did not want her to know. He really wanted to talk with her and even thought about running by her place. Then he figured she might be tired and sleeping and he did not want to disturb her. He also knew that more than likely Pierce was there and he certainly did not want to have to talk to him. He knew she would call when...if she wanted to talk to him, so he decided to let it go, as difficult as it was for him. He put his cell phone down, but then had another thought. What if something was wrong with the cell...you know, the battery died over night or something. He decided to call her home phone and then he would leave her alone if there was no answer. Pierce had answered and that served only to make him more agitated than he was at now being able to talk to Olivia. He had told Elliot she was in the bathroom, but he would let her know he called. For some reason, Elliot highly doubted that he would.

He started in on his reports for the morning's chaos, the Stanford house, the interrogations, trying hopelessly to concentrate on something other than talking to Liv. After about fifteen minutes, he picked up the phone and called Dr. Bonsall. At least he was having some modicum of good luck. The doctor had just stepped back in from lunch and was taking phone calls and actually answered himself when Elliot's call rang his phone.

"Dr. Bonsall, may I help you." He answered.

"Hey, Doc. Elliot Stabler. How's it going?" He almost felt like the doctor had become a close friend.

"Elliot! Surprised I didn't hear from you sooner...I expected you to be here yesterday with Detective Benson." He replied.

"Yea...well...she...uh...didn't want me to know..." He wasn't sure how much he wanted to tell the doctor.

"I see...we all have little spats from time to time..." He intuitively knew these two cared deeply about one another, but he also knew Elliot was married.

"Yea...thing is...we have them _all_ the time. Listen, how is she doing, really?" He asked.

"Have you talked with her?" The doctor answered with his own question.

"A little...last night...she told me about the dialysis and said that hopefully it would take a few sessions to help jump start the kidneys into working fully again." He told the doctor what Liv had told him.

"That is essentially what I told her and I really believe she will make a full recovery." The doctor sounded very confident.

"So...you don't think she will need a transplant?" Elliot asked cautiously, not daring to believe she would not.

"Well, there is still a slight chance that she could, but as healthy and as determined as she is, I think the dialysis is all she is going to need." Dr. Bonsall assured him.

"Well, just in case...I have that consent form...Kathy signed it last night...and by the way, why was it sent to my home? I had not even told her about it and when she got the form in the mail...and...well, let's just say...it was a rough night. I wanted to tell her about it before she ever saw that form." He told the doctor.

"Oh...I am so sorry. The young student who helps out in the office must have misunderstood the instructions I gave concerning your file. I do hope things worked out." He apologized.

"Yea...they worked out...I got it signed. Gave it to your head nurse." He told him.

"Well, like I said, I think Ms. Benson will be fine and we will have no need of that consent form." He replied.

"Great. Thanks, doc." Elliot ended the call and flipped the phone shut.

So, the likely hood of her having to have a transplant was virtually nil. That was the best news he had heard in a long time. The fact that he and Kathy had such a blow up over it and she would not even need it, well, what did it matter. They said some things last night that needed to be said. And there were still things that needed to be said and things that needed to be dealt with even though he hated the idea of doing so. He knew he could not keep living like he was living, pretending everything was fine with one woman, while pretending he did not care about another. He knew he was not doing a very good job of convincing anyone, least of all himself. He was determined to do something to change it, he just was not sure what. As he sat there contemplating the twists and turns of his life, his desk phone rang, startling him out of his deep reverie.

"Detective Stabler, Special Victims Unit. How may I help you?" He answered.

"Elliot, Paul Carman. How are you?" He was all business when he spoke.

Paul Carman was the attorney Kathy and Elliot used for their separation and divorce proceedings. Elliot was totally caught off guard at this call. "Hey, Paul. Doing good. You?"

"Fine. Listen, would you have some free time tomorrow afternoon to come talk with me?" He asked.

"Sure...what's up?" Elliot was truly puzzled now.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay? How's 3:30 sound?" His words were clipped and Elliot could tell he was very uncomfortable.

"Uh...yea...3:30 will be fine." Elliot agreed.

They hung up, leaving Elliot totally perplexed. He picked up his cell phone and dialed Kathy's number. It went straight to voice mail. Did every one he needed to talk to today, have their phones set to voice mail? Or was it just the women in his life. Oh, well, he would ask Kathy about it when he got home.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Hey, guys! Hope everyone is having a wonderful long weekend...at least those who have Presidents' Day as a holiday! I do! Let me know what you are thinking...I do not have an end to this story...not even sure what I am doing with it other than it's gonna end with EO somehow, someway, somewhere!! " ) Bensler_


	16. Deception

**Chapter 16 - Decisions**

**SVU Squad Room**

**Thursday, January 24, 3:30 p.m.**

Mrs. Stanford had gotten bail money together and was back with their attorney to get her husband out of jail. Elliot had not wanted to press charges against Mr. Stanford for hitting him, because he had intended to hit Mitchell, not Elliot. Cragen, however, was furious with the whole situation and refused to let him off when he saw Elliot's split and swollen lip. He also wanted to make a point to Mr. Stanford that his actions were less than desirable for the father of three grown sons. He initially charged him with obstruction of justice, as well, for trying to keep Mitchell from telling what they all knew Michael had done. Michael had told his brothers and father, in detail, how he had poisoned Olivia. Cragen dropped that charge when Mr. Stanford was able to get Michael to formally confess and sign the confession. Marty was to remain in jail for obstruction and, of course, Michael, was not going anywhere.

As they were leaving, Captain Cragen called out to them. "Mr. and Mrs. Stanford...may we have a word with you, please." He was standing just outside of his office. Dr. Melinda Warner, the M.E., and Elliot were sitting in his office.

"Please, have a seat." He motioned to the vacant chairs in front of his desk.

"We'll stand, thank you. Not going to be here long." Mr. Stanford retorted.

Cragen eyed him closely. "I think Mrs. Stanford, at least, should be seated when you hear what needs to be said."

The Stanfords glanced at each other as fearful looks spread over their faces. He turned to seat his wife and then he sat as well.

"This is Dr. Melinda Warner, medical examiner for the 16th precinct." He nodded toward Dr. Warner. "And you already know Detective Stabler." They all nodded at one another, wordlessly. "Elliot..."

"During the course of our investigation into Detective Benson's poisoning, we got warrants for the pre-employment drug test Bert's gave Michael in order to compare DNA from the sample we obtained from Mitchell...for which we also had a warrant. At this point, we thought we were dealing with one perp...uh...suspect and were trying to make the man at Bert's, Stan Michael, and your son, Mitchell, the same person." Elliot paused and looked around at everyone. "Dr. Warner will explain what the analysis of those DNA samples revealed."

"Yes...of course, the DNA testing showed that the samples were identical, except for one thing. This one variation and the timing of the collection of the samples, indicated that they were identical, meaning we were dealing with identical twins. Otherwise, with the identical samples, we would have still assumed there was only one person involved and that Stan Michael and Mitchell Stanford were the same person." Melinda paused for just a second and then looked directly into Mrs. Stanford's eyes. "The variation was in the blood work. The blood drawn for the drug test that Michael took, shows abnormal white blood cells. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, but Michael has leukemia."

The Stanfords just sat there in shock for several minutes. Then Mrs. Stanford began crying softly. It was very uncomfortable in the room. Mr. Stanford put his arms around his wife. "Are you sure? Couldn't it be a mistake?"

"No. I ran the test three times. Michael needs immediate medical attention." Dr. Warner told them.

"Being charged with crime, the state of NY will provide him medical care. However, if he is still covered by your insurance, you will probably be able to get him better care than the state can afford. That will be up to you." Cragen explained to them.

They nodded and quietly filed out of the Captain's office.

**SVU Squad Room**

**Thursday, January 24, 4:20 p.m.**

Elliot leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head. He could not believe he still had not heard from Liv. It had been nearly four hours since he had talked with Pierce and left a message for her to call him on his cell. Things were not great between them, but he sure thought she would have at least returned his call. He debated on calling again.

"Elliot? You hear from Liv?" Cragen asked, coming to stand by Liv's desk.

"No...thinking maybe I need to call again...left a message with Pierce for her to call...but that was four hours ago..." Elliot sat up in his chair.

"Well, she just called. She won't be in until Monday. Has another round of dialysis tomorrow afternoon and another on Saturday. Doc told her to rest until she is finished...no work...not even desk duty." He told him. Cragen wondered why she had not called Elliot first. Once upon a time she would have done just that.

"And she is actually going to listen to the doctor...she must really feel bad." Elliot said more for his own benefit that Captain Cragen's.

"Exactly what I thought." Cragen replied.

Elliot nodded and looked away from the Captain. Cragen turned to go back to his office. Elliot stood up and grabbed his jacket. "Cap'n...you mind if I get on out of here...I got something I need to do..."

Cragen smiled, knowing exactly what Elliot had to do. "Go..and tell Liv I said she better rest!"

Elliot grinned and nodded at Cragen as he walked by him to leave.

**Benson Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 4:50 p.m.**

Olivia felt refreshed after her long nap. She had slept right at three hours. She called Cragen and let him know she would not be in until Monday. She thought about calling Elliot, but quickly dismissed the thought, since she had not heard from him. She had not heard from anyone, which she thought was odd. No missed calls, no messages on her cell or home phone. Totally unlike Elliot...or was it? She concluded he must be back in his 'pretend Olivia Benson does not exist' mode.

She opened her refrigerator for the fifth time. What was that definition she once heard of insane? Someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over with the hope of a different result. That would be her. Insane, in more ways than one. She kept looking in the frig hoping something would magically appear. She was hungry, but there was absolutely nothing in her apartment to eat. She could not think of anything she wanted to call out for, so she decided to get dressed and go to the corner market for a few things.

She pulled on a pair of worn jeans, an old Columbia University sweatshirt that had belonged to her mother and her running shoes. She put on just a touch of makeup, ran a brush through her hair, grabbed her keys and cell phone. Just as she pulled her jacket off one of the hooks on the wall behind the door, a soft knock surprised her. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise. She knew without looking, who was on the other side of the door. She sensed him. Peaking out of the security glass, she confirmed what her intuition had already told her. Elliot. Her heart immediately skipped a beat and began again by racing so fast she felt lightheaded. A tightness formed in the pit of her stomach that she knew could not be passed off as hunger. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.

There he stood. All 6'1" of him. Looking somewhat shy, not at all sure he should have come. At least not unannounced. He feared that if he called and asked to come by, she would find a reason to say no. So, he took his chances. And there he was, laden with bags from the market and she, in shock, just stood there staring at him.

He glanced at her jacket in her hand and frowned. "Going somewhere? Catch you at a bad time?"

"Yes...no...I mean...I was just going to the corner market..." She trailed off, looking at all the bags in his arms and hands, the case of bottled water on the floor. She looked up at him again. "Who'd you punch out now?" She nodded toward his split, bruised lip.

"Uh...tell you about it later...uh...Liv? Think you could...uh...give me a hand here?" His blue eyes twinkled as he smiled at her.

"Oh...I'm...I'm sorry..." She tore her gaze from his lips and eyes, hung her jacket up and took a couple of bags emblazoned with 'Essex Street Market' from him.

He stepped into the apartment and kicked the door closed behind him. Following Liv to the kitchen, he put the bags on the counter, then walked back to the door and locked it.

"Thought I would drop by to check on you and then I remembered your bare frig so thought I would pick up a few things to get you through the weekend."

"A few things? I don't think I buy this much in six months! How much do I owe you?" She began taking things out of the bags.

There were several frozen Lean Cuisine chicken meals, various frozen vegetables, sliced cheese, block cheese, eggs, peanut butter, strawberry jam, butter, ground beef, smoked sliced turkey for sandwiches, hot chocolate mix, a box of flavored tea bags, juice, water, milk, three kinds of granola bars, a loaf of Italian bread, a bottle of red wine, snacks and more.

"Not a thing...if..." He teased, an eyebrow cocked mischievously.

"If?" She was amused at the silly smile on his face.

"If you let me cook you dinner." He pulled a box of vermicelli out of a bag.

"The last time a man cooked dinner for me, he wanted an _alternate_ form of payment..." She teased, wiggling her eyebrows at him.

"I assure you, my intentions are nothing but honorable." He put the bottled water and juice in the refrigerator and stood back up to face her.

She gave an exaggerated sigh. "Just my luck." She was enjoying this banter.

For just the slightest second, the look on his face told her he would be willing to change her luck. All she would have to do was say the word. She felt the heat rising to her face and knew he would see the blush. She smiled and turned away, quickly moving on to salvage the former mood.

"Can't pass up dinner now, can I? So, what's on the menu?" She emptied another bag that had the makings for a salad.

"Well, I make this really awesome spaghetti sauce...I call it Stabler's Super Secret Spaghetti Sauce ...even the kids love it." He finally took a minute to look her over. Even in jeans and a sweatshirt she was beautiful. She had some color in her cheeks and she really looked good.

"All kids love any kind of spaghetti sauce, El." She reminded him.

"Trust me...you are in for a treat." He put a couple of boxes of cereal in the cabinet and then found a big pot and filled it with water.

"Okay...okay. But only if you let me help." She placed her hands on hips.

"How about you get the salad together, then?" He nodded toward all the lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, garlic, onions and broccoli. "Oh...I'll cut up the garlic and onions. It's for the meatballs and sauce."

She watched him for a minute as he continued putting things in her cabinets like he owned the place. He still had on his suit from work...navy blue with that medium blue shirt of his that she loved. It was the exact color of his blue eyes and made them seem even brighter. His striped blue and green tie was loosed and the top three buttons on his shirt were undone. He was one handsome man. She stopped herself from this line of thought and took the salad fixings to the sink and began washing them.

Two and half hours later they had finished their meal of salad, spaghetti with meatballs, garlic bread and wine and were sitting at the table sipping wine and talking. About everything. Well, everything except Kathy and Pierce. Just like they used to do a lifetime ago. Liv talked about Simon and Lucy and their upcoming marriage, her college roommate, Sarah, who had been in town recently. Elliot updated her on everything his kids had been up to from school and sports to boyfriends and girlfriends...now that Dickie had one...and the twins getting their licenses. Then they talked about Liv's illness and the ramifications of that and Elliot filled Liv in on everything that had happened at the Stanfords and with the interrogations, telling them of Michael's leukemia and Marty's new charge of obstruction.

"Does Casey have a trial date yet for Marty?" Standing up, she started clearing the table.

"Hey, let me get this." Elliot took the plates to the sink, rolled up his sleeves, rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher. "Yea...the trial will be three weeks from Monday. You haven't talked to her yet?"

"No...I haven't heard from her. I haven't heard from anyone." She covered the salad and put it in the refrigerator.

"What do you mean? I know Casey called you...she told me she left you a message. And I called at least a half dozen times...maybe more...and left two or three messages myself, so don't tell me you haven't heard from anyone." He poured them both another glass of wine.

When she did not answer, he turned to look at her. She was standing with bottles of salad dressing in both hands, the refrigerator open and staring as though she were in a trance. He waved his hands at her but she continued staring into space.

"Liv? Liv?" He spoke. "Olivia!" He said louder and more forcefully.

Her head She snapped upped toward him. "What?"

"You zoned out on me...you okay?" His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Uh...I don't know...you said you called? When? Did you call my cell?" She seemed troubled and he was not sure why.

"Early this morning the first time...around 8:00, 8:15...called your cell it went straight to voice mail...figured it was still cut off...but I left a message. Then I called the hospital room...no answer. I called after lunch several times and left messages a time or two then. By the way, why didn't you return any of my calls?" Watching her face, he knew something was wrong.

"El, you know I would have called you back...you know that, right?" She was pleading with him. She put the salad dressings up, closed the frig, crossed her arms and leaned against the counter.

"Uh...yea...sure...so, why didn't you?" He was beginning to feel confused.

"I...I never saw that you called...I mean...there were no missed calls or unheard messages on my cell when I turned it back on. I thought it was strange that no one, not even Cragen, had called me...and I just knew that...that...well...I hoped that...that..." She trailed off.

"That what? You hoped that what, Liv?" Mirroring her stance, he leaned against the counter by the sink, his arms folded across his chest, a worried expression filling his face.

She took a deep breath and exhaled. "That you...you would call and check on me."

"I did! Check your phone again!" He felt his blood pressure rising. "I even called your home phone, too. Talked to Pierce. Didn't he tell you?"

She looked at him, raising her left eyebrow, puzzled over this revelation. "No...he didn't. When?"

"I don't know...around 12:30, 12:45 or so...he said you were in the bathroom and he would tell you I called." He was agitated now that Pierce had not relayed the message.

He pulled out his cell and flipped it open, hit 'sent calls' and up came a long list of names, the majority of which had 'Liv' beside them.

"Look..." He held the phone out to her. She came over and they looked together at his call history. "First two calls were at 8:03 and 8:04. I know I left a message the second time. Another call at 9:10...just before we got to the Stanford place...left a message then, too. Four more calls at 10:50, 11:15, 12:25 and 12:37. All to your cell. I left at least one more message...not sure which call. And here's the one to your home phone when I talked to Pierce. 12:42."

There it was...proof that Elliot had called. But she never saw that he called. They were not on her cell phone. "I don't understand..." She whispered.

"Where's your phone?" Elliot shut his and clipped it back on his belt.

"Ummm...on my night stand..." She went to the bedroom and came back with her phone.

Flipping it open, she hit 'missed calls'. It was empty. Completely empty. "There's nothing listed. Nothing, Elliot. I never clear it..." She then checked for unheard voice messages. "There are no messages. I never clear them out either...until the box gets too full."

"Then that only leaves one conclusion..." He did not want to be the one to say it...she needed to be the one that realized it and said it out loud.

She looked at him for a long minute, then looked down at the floor. "Pierce. He cleared them..." She spoke quietly. "Why?" She knew why and she felt the anger begin to rise in her.

"Let's check your caller I.D. on the house phone." Elliot suggested.

She walked over and hit 'review'. The next to the last call was from Simon on Saturday morning and the last call was on Monday afternoon from her dentist's office reminding her of her appointment the next day.

"Well...guess I missed that...there's no indication that you called, Elliot. He must have cleared this, too." She shook her head.

Elliot remained silent. He knew she was furious and he was, too. It wouldn't do for both of them to be that angry at the same time. One of them had to maintain to hold the other one back, calm the other one down.

"Just wait until I... You know what? I am not waiting!" She headed for the door and grabbed her jacket.

"Liv...you aren't going anywhere right now...calm down...okay...just take it easy and think this thing through." He went to her, lightly taking her by the shoulders and taking her jacket from her and placing it back on the hook. "Let's talk. Okay?"

Surprised that she let him tell her what she was and was not going to do, he led her to the couch. He went into the kitchen and returned with the glasses of wine he had poured. He handed one to her where she sat hunched on one end of the couch. He sat at the other end and watched her face for a hint of what she was thinking.

"Why would he do this?" She said it, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Well...that's kind of obvious, don't you think? He didn't want you to know I called." Elliot answered.

She rolled her eyes at him and sighed. "It was a rhetorical question...I _know_ why he did it. I just don't know why."

Elliot frowned in confusion. "Am I missing something here? You said you _know_ why, and then you said you _don't_ know why? Must be a woman thing...clue me in, how 'bout it..."

Rolling her eyes again, she leaned over and popped him on the arm. "I know why he cleared my calls...so I wouldn't know you called...but I don't know why he didn't want me to know you called. Clear now?"

Elliot's eyes lit up and he nodded. "Oh...yea...okay, I get it. But I know that why...he hates my guts as much as I hate his!"

"Why would he hate you...never mind...you're probably right..." She debated on telling him what Pierce had seen between them at the hospital.

"I know I'm right. What are you going to do?" He knew what he wanted her to do, but it was unfair for him to tell her that.

"I'm not sure...but I can't wait to hear what he has to say about all this..." She drank half of her wine in one long gulp.

A knock at the door caused both of them to jump. They traded looks as Liv crossed the room to see who was there. She looked through the peep hole, threw her head back and sighed.

"Who is it, Liv?" Elliot's curiosity at her reaction got the best of him.

She turned to him and gave a fake smile. "Pierce." She opened the door just as he was about to knock again.

"Olivia, hi." He leaned to kiss her cheek, but she turned away. He was puzzled by her aloofness. "Uh...hope you don't mind that I came by...I brought some fried chicken and mashed potatoes and..."

She cut him off. "I've already eaten." She opened the door wide for him to enter and it was then that he caught sight of Elliot.

"Oh...didn't know you had company...guess I should have called..." He trailed off.

"Yes. You should have." Her words were short and clipped.

He sensed she was angry, but he thought she and Elliot had been arguing or something.

Elliot stood, wine in hand, and walked toward them. "Pierce." He nodded. "How's it going?"

"Stabler...fine." He was instantly on the defensive. He looked at Liv for an explanation.

"El, dropped by with a few groceries and made spaghetti for us. He brought me up to date on the investigation." She answered his unasked questions.

"Oh...uh...how is it going?" He asked, looking between the two of them.

"Great. Got a full confession, evidence...just waiting for the trial." Elliot answered, taking a couple of big swallows of wine.

Liv looked over at him and suddenly he realized what she was telling him with her eyes. He raised his eyebrows, just slightly, at her in question to what he thought he 'heard' and she nodded almost imperceptibly. He was torn between being ecstatic that this ability to converse with her without audible words had suddenly reappeared and being upset over what those inaudible words had told him.

"That's great. Great." Pierce replied, smiling at Liv.

"Hey, Liv...I really should be getting home...thanks for letting me hangout for dinner." He drank the rest of his wine and took the glass to the kitchen. He returned and picked up his coat.

"No...thank _you_ for cooking...and for bringing all those groceries." She smiled back.

"Well...I'm just a call away, if you need anything. Take care." He nodded at her, she walked him to the door and as he slipped out, she mouthed 'I'll call you' to him. He smiled slightly and left.

After closing and locking the door, she leaned her head against it. A moment later, she turned to face Pierce. He was just standing there looking at her.

"So...how long has he been here?" He couldn't help it. He was jealous and he wanted to know what he was up against.

She glanced at the clock on the DVD player. "Two, two and half hours."

"Awfully long time for just dinner and talk about the case, don't you think?" He took a few steps toward her.

"What are you insinuating, Pierce?" She felt the anger already there, turning to fury.

"What's to insinuate? Seems like most of the NYPD thinks that something is going on between you and Stabler..." He trailed off, knowing this was not helping his case.

She stared at him, her eyes narrowed, her lips a tight, thin line. "The fact that 'most of the NYPD'..." She made quotation marks in the air with her fingers. "...thinks something is going on...that have anything to do with why you took it upon yourself to clear my cell phone and home phone of any trace that Elliot called and left messages? Anything to do with why you failed to tell me he called this morning, when he asked you to tell me he called?" She said sarcastically.

She watched as the blood drained from his face and all remaining confidence seeped from him. It took him forever to answer her and she just stood there staring at him, letting him twist in his deception.

"I...uh...forgot to tell you..." He started.

"Going to have to come up with something better than that, Kent." She retorted, using his last name. Her voice was full of the anger boiling within her. "What gave you the right to take my personal cell phone and clear the messages and incoming calls from it, huh? And not just the ones from Elliot...but from everyone!" She was on the verge of hollering now.

"I...I..just didn't like that he called you so much..." He tried to explain.

"He's my partner! We call each other! We work together! You have to trust me! What were you thinking?" She was hollering now.

"I...I don't...I don't know...I didn't mean to erase all of them...your phone is different than mine and I accidentally cleared everything...I'm really sorry, Liv. I just...I just...I am so, so sorry." He knew he had messed up and he was starting to grovel.

"Some of those voice messages had information that I needed to go back to and now thanks to your schoolboy insecurities, they're gone!" Dragging her hands through her hair, she whirled away from him and walked toward the living room.

"Schoolboy insecurities?" His confidence making a sudden reappearance, he snorted. "If he wasn't over here every time I turn around, maybe if you weren't always staring at each other and every other sentence out of your mouth didn't start with 'Elliot this' or 'Elliot that' I wouldn't be so insecure!" His voice matched hers in intensity and loudness.

"He's not over here all the time! And what do you mean staring at each other?" She knew she should just tell him it was over and to get out, but she wanted to know what he had seen or thought he had seen.

"Ah, come on, Liv! The guy can't keep his eyes off of you. When he thinks no one is looking, he stares at you...watches every move you make...and I've been around long enough to know it is not the kind of look you give your partner or friend! And though you're better at hiding it, you're not _that_ much better. You do the same to him." His voice was becoming quieter as he spoke. "I just want to know what is going on between the two of you..."

"Pierce...there is nothing going on. He's married. He would never cross that line. I would never cross it. We're partners, best friends..." She had stepped a little closer to him and watched his face as she spoke.

"But you love each other...I saw..." He began.

"Yea...we love each other...you can't work side by side with someone for almost nine years and not love them." She told him.

"No, Liv...you guys have something far more than that. Far more than I have ever seen between anyone. You know it and I know it." He sighed deeply and a sadness stole across his face. "As long as Stabler is in the picture, I don't even have a chance...do I? Not a real chance."

She could not bring herself to answer his question. He was right. About everything. She had desperately wanted to find happiness, love with someone that was available. She had tried to force it between herself and Pierce. She did care about him...very much. But, he would always run a far second to her first choice. Pierce was a great guy and he deserved someone who could love him completely. With their whole heart. And she had not owned her heart for many, many years. It belonged to Elliot. It was unfair to Pierce to expect him to settle for second place in her life and be content. So, she just stood there, unable to hold his gaze. Her silence it's own answer to his question.

He came to stand in front of her. She looked up and their eyes locked. Unshed tears caused his to shimmer. He gently pushed her bangs behind her right ear. She reached up and put her hand over his before it left her face. Slowly their lips inched toward one another and met. A tear escaped, trickling down her face. It was a soft, gentle kiss. A kiss full of what could have been, but would never be. It was a kiss of goodbye.

- - - - -

**A/N:** _Please read and review...let me know what's good and what's not...I am usually ahead of the game, but have nothing written for the next chapter...though I have plenty of ideas...help me out! " ) Bensler_


	17. Decisions

**Chapter 17 - Decisions**

**Stabler Vehicle**

**Thursday, January 24, 7:45 p.m.**

Elliot hated leaving Liv alone with Pierce, but it was what she wanted and, in all fairness, needed. It was bad etiquette to break up with one's significant other in the presence of others. There was no doubt in his mind that she would break it off with Pierce. This time for good. Deleting phone calls from her personal cell phone and home phone was over the top in jealousy spurred actions. He knew she saw these actions for exactly what they were...a total lack of trust and if there is no trust, then there could be no real relationship.

One thing with him and Liv, no matter what happened, no matter how angry they might be with each other, no matter how hurt, the element of trust between them had withstood all trials, abiding steadfastly within whatever other chaos their relationship might be experiencing. They trusted each other implicitly, with their lives, if not their hearts. That was one aspect of their relationship, to which they each clung tenaciously, protecting. He desperately hoped that one day, soon, they would find a way to trust each other in every aspect. Before that could happen, though, he had some other decisions to make.

Turning onto his street, Elliot realized he had not called Kathy to let her know he would be late, nor had she called him as she usually would when he was late. Maybe they had come to a new, unspoken understanding. Yea, right. He laughed to himself as he began to mentally prepare for another infamous Stabler quarrel. Pulling into the driveway, he glanced at the clock on the car stereo. 8:01 p.m. He turned off the ignition and sat for a moment staring at the house. It was dark, save for the glow from the light over the kitchen sink that they always left on. No sign of life. Strange, he thought. Getting out of the car, he walked by the garage and peered into one of the windows on top of the garage door. Kathy's van was not there.

**Stabler Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 8:04 p.m.**

Bounding up the front steps two at a time, he took his key and unlocked the door. Stepping in, he was enveloped by the eerie silence that seemed to always permeate empty places. He hung up his overcoat, un-clipped his gun and put it in the lock box. He walked into the living room and turned on the closest lamp. Continuing to the kitchen, he flipped the light switch. It was in order. No dishes in the sink or on the counter, no coats or shoes or books or toys lying around. None of the ususal disarray that filled the Stabler household. On the end of one counter, near the always full Cookie Monster cookie jar, lay a lone stack of mail . Ignoring it, he went to the refrigerator to get some juice. No one was around to object, so he took the carton and gulped from it. Leaning against the counter, he surveyed the kitchen once again. His eyes fell to the stack of mail and now that he was a bit closer to it, he noticed a note lying on top of the mail. He could tell even from this distance that it was in Kathy's large, elegant scrawl.

Finishing the bit of juice, he threw the empty carton in the trash on his way to the counter. Picking up the note, he read the words his wife had written. 'Elliot - I've taken the twins and Eli to Mom's. We will be staying indefinitely. I assume Paul Carman called you. He will fill you in on everything tomorrow. - Kathy.' He crumpled the note in his fist. Suddenly, he had difficulty breathing, the powerful rush of blood to his head caused an immediate vicious pounding as his stomach roiled. He turned and with one swipe, the mail on the counter, along with the cookie jar sailed through the air and crashed violently to the kitchen floor.

How dare she do this again and not have the guts to tell him face to face. It seemed all the women in his life derived some kind of twisted pleasure in leaving him without saying goodbye. How dare she take his children, his baby. Kathy could go. He had come to the conclusion that they had to talk, had to end this lie they had lived for years. The lie they tried to mold into truth for the baby's sake. They had stayed together for the older kids, so how could they not do the same for Eli? They could not do the same, because the lie had finally taken it's toll on both of them. Flipping open his cell to call Kathy, he saw he had five missed calls in the last hour. Crap! He had the stupid phone turned off again instead of on vibrate! He hated this phone! He had a two calls from Lizzie, two from Dickie and one from Maureen. He didn't know who to call first, but since he had picked up the phone to call Kathy, that's what he did.

"Hello." Kathy's voice held none of her usual confidence.

"What the hell are you doing, Kathy?" Elliot stormed, pacing the kitchen.

"Uh...I...I'm doing what we..we should...have...have done three years ago, Elliot." She said, shakily.

"What is that suppose to mean? You just leave without talking to me? Again? You take my kids, my baby?" He was loud, hateful, the fury overtaking him.

"I tried talking...you never want to talk..." She started.

"You got something going on with one of those guys you dated while we were split up? Huh? That it?" His fist clenched and unclenched, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Elliot...don't you dare accuse me of..." She tried to talk but he interrupted.

"Never...not once, did you say you wanted to leave again! That's gotta be it! You got someone on the side! Who is it? Tell me!" He was screaming so loud, his voice was starting to crack. For the life of him, he could not understand why he was acting jealous.

"There is no one, Elliot...I swear...if you say that again..." She trailed off as he once again spoke before she finished.

"What? What are you going to do, Kathy? Take my kids away? What is left that you could do to me? You never told me that you even thought about leaving again! Am I supposed to read your mind?" He bellowed, kicking at the mail and broken ceramic on the floor beneath him.

She laughed, mirthlessly. "As long as we have been married? Yes, you would think by now you could read my mind at least a little. But, you are always so wrapped up in your own little world of SVU, cases and your precious Olivia, you don't see anything going on around you with your real family, Elliot!"

He did not have a comeback, because he knew, to a large degree, she was right. "Kathy, you are not taking my kids! Not this time! The twins are old enough to choose and I'll fight for custody of Eli."

"What, Elliot? You think you can take Eli with you to chase down perps? Ride along in the police cruiser?" She laughed again, this time a little snort. "What are you going to do with a baby that needs full-time care? Get Olivia to help out? What does she know about babies and children?"

"Olivia has nothing to do with all of this. You leave her out of it!" He was nearly screaming at her, his face was red and the veins in his neck and forehead pulsated with each beat of his heart.

"Oh, she has everything to do with this! My husband wants to donate a kidney to the _other woman_, doesn't tell me a thing about it until I get a consent form in the mail, makes me sign it and I am suppose to go on with my life, with our marriage as though nothing has changed? Please, Elliot. I deserve more credit than that!"

"She is not the other woman, Kathy! There is nothing going on between me and Liv! Nothing!" He knew it was a half truth. There was nothing going on, at least not physically.

"Go ahead and keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better. Bottom line, our marriage is over, Elliot. We should never have gotten back together. We both know it was only because of Eli...and well, it seemed like a good reason last year, but it is not enough anymore to keep putting myself, ourselves, everyone through so much misery. The kids and I deserve better. So, do you." He knew by her now calm demeanor, she had made her decisions.

"Kathy...I want to see my kids..." He spoke through clenched teeth. He could hear Eli beginning to cry in the background.

"It's a school night. Call and talk to the twins...you can seen them tomorrow. I need to take care of Eli. We'll discuss everything tomorrow with the attorney. Good night, Elliot." She ended the call.

He stood in the kitchen, staring at the cell phone in his hand. This is what he wanted, right? Right, but he wanted to call the shots. Didn't he? In a way, he supposed he did call the shots. He was the one who had withdrawn from Kathy. She did not make it easy to confide in her, but ultimately he was the one who shut her out. Years ago. Even before Olivia Benson had come onto the scene and into his life. Into his blood. Into his heart. No matter what Kathy thought, Liv was not the reason for the collapse of their marriage. Her being around might not have helped things, but she was not at fault, nor was she the reason they could not make it work. Kathy had once again had the courage to do what he knew should be done, but did not have the guts to initiate.

If it were just he and Kathy, he would have no problem at all with a divorce. He loved her, but not like a man should love his wife. He wondered if he had ever loved her like that. But he loved his kids. They were his life and he had seen how it was three years ago when he and Kathy had been separated for nearly two years. He missed a lot of things in their lives. He hated not being able to come home after a case and go into their bedrooms, watch them sleep, kiss them, take in their sweet innocence. He had hated his quiet, lonely apartment where the only messes were ones he had created. He hated that no one ate the last of the cookies, that no one left the ice cream melting on the counter, that there was always plenty of hot water for a shower and that the remote was right where he left it. He missed things he never thought he would miss. Going to the refrigerator he opened it and saw five beers left from the six pack he had bought last week. He pulled it out and then reached into the cabinet over the refrigerator and pulled down a bottle of whiskey left over from a Christmas party a couple of years ago. Kathy rarely drank and she did not like Elliot to drink in front of the kids other than a couple of beers. Good. It was nearly full.

- - - - -

**Maureen Stabler Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 9:35 p.m.**

"I haven't been able to get hold of him either." Maureen told her sister. She was twirling a strand of long, blonde hair around her index finger on her right hand.

Kathleen did not want to go to her grandmother's house with her mom and siblings. Neither did she not want to stay at the house and have to face her father, so she had asked Maureen if she could stay with her. They had called Elliot repeatedly over the evening, both his cell and at home, with the same result. No answer. Voice mail. Answering machine.

"Do you think he's been home yet and found the note?" Kathleen asked, a worried expression on her face. "Should we call or go by the precinct or something?"

"Mmmm...I thought he would call us if he found the note...I don't know...I already called the precinct earlier. That new guy, Lake, he said Dad had left before five. Said he would make sure he knew we were looking for him if he called or come back." She frowned.

"I can't believe Mom is doing this again. Why didn't she just go through with it last year? I was almost getting okay with it then." Tears pooled in Kathleen's eyes and she sniffled.

"You know why...they both thought with they had to try again because of Eli. They should have asked us before they did, huh?" She sighed and leaned back on the couch.

"Why?" Kathleen was laying on the floor with a huge pillow propped beneath her stomach and chest, elbows supporting her head.

"Why? Because. I would have told them it was not going to work out. I mean, they always fight about Dad's job and the hours he works and he didn't change that when he came back. Mom always whines and complains about it and that gets him mad and then he clams up even more. She didn't stop that when he came back. Nothing changed." Maureen closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Yea...why couldn't she just be happy when he was home...he has to have a job and he loves what he does...maybe he would get another job if...if...never mind." She rolled over on her back and crossed her legs at the ankle.

"If what?" Maureen opened her eyes now and looked down at her sister.

"Nothing." She was not going to say anymore.

"Did you mean if Olivia wasn't there?" Maureen watch Kathleen's reaction.

She turned back over and looked up at Maureen. "Yea...if she weren't there, maybe Dad would take another job and everything would be fine between him and Mom."

"Kathleen...it's not that easy. Mom and Dad have been at odds for years. They fight about everything. Not just the job. Think about it. Remember when we were really little and Mom was mad at Dad and she started throwing dishes in the sink, breaking them?"

"Oh, yea...I forgot about that..." Kathleen thought back to the incident.

"I can't really remember them not fighting. And it was way before Liv started work at SVU." Maureen reminded her.

"I guess you're right, Mo. But I still don't like that they seem to have a thing going on, if you know what I mean. And Mom has always been jealous of Liv."

"I know what you mean...I think they really love each other, Kathleen. I mean really love each other. They have this awesome connection...haven't you ever sensed it? But, I know they have not done anything like...well, you know...Dad would not do that to Mom. And I don't think Liv would let him do that to Mom, if he ever tried."

"I've sensed it...that connection...I thought it was my imagination. You sound like you are okay with them...uh...loving each other..." She said quietly.

"Maybe I am. Maybe it's time that Dad...and Mom...had some real happiness with someone they really care about and are in love with...I don't know. I just know they can't keep fighting like they do and stay together. Do you want Eli to grow up with that like we did?"

"No...no, but I still don't have to like my parents splitting up..." Kathleen stood up and threw the pillow on the couch. "You think Liv would know where he is?"

"Wow! Why didn't I think of that? Hand me my cell behind you." Maureen pointed to the lamp table.

- - - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 9:50 p.m.**

Olivia and Pierce talked for maybe twenty minutes after he kissed her. They both decided that ending their relationship was for the best. Though he was very remorseful for his actions, he understood that by clearing her phone and caller I.D., he had violated perhaps the most important, foundational element of all relationships. Trust. Her trust. Once broken, it was extremely difficult to regain. She acknowledged that hers and Elliot's complicated partnership/friendship was a thorn in Pierce's side and she understood how this could give way to jealousy. She also told him that even though she cared a great deal for him, she was not in love with him and did not see that as a possibility. They somehow parted as friends, promising that after a bit of time had passed, to get together for an occasional lunch or dinner.

As soon as Pierce left, she called Elliot. At least a dozen times. There was no answer on his cell and she had tried the precinct, as well. She even had the night sergeant have the crib checked. He was not there. She was a little put off that he was not answering, but she really was not worried. He had been having trouble accidently turning the phone off when he meant to put it on vibrate. It had been a month since they got these new phones and one would think he would have figured it out by now. The only other thing she could think to do was call his home phone. But, no way would she do that. No way would she chance Kathy answering and having to talk to her. She would just have to wait until he called her. She was tired anyway and thinking of the round of dialysis she had to go through tomorrow afternoon, she decided to go to bed. She could not remember the last time she had gone to bed before ten. Maybe ten in the morning after being on a case all night, but not ten in the evening.

She thought about Elliot and their complicated relationship while she washed her face and brushed her teeth. Why did she have to fall for the one man she could never have? Why couldn't she fall completely for someone like Pierce. Or Porter. Both were good men and cared for her and treated her so well. Pulling her comforter back and crawling in, she decided not to set her alarm. She would sleep until her body had enough and woke her on it's own. Her eyes had barely closed in sleep, when the chirping of her cell phone sounded. Her heart jumped to her throat and her stomach plummeted. Grabbing it she glanced at the called I.D. Maureen? She was not concerned because Maureen and she had become friends and Maureen had called her many nights looking for companionship or advice.

"Hey, Maureen. What's up?" Liv turned on the bedside lamp.

"Liv, hey. Didn't wake you, did I?" Maureen asked.

"No...I just laid down, but I wasn't asleep." Liv assured her.

"Uh...do you...uh...know where Dad is?" She seemed hesitant to ask.

"If you're asking me is he here...no. He was here earlier this evening but he left around 7:30. I've been trying to reach him the last hour or so myself." Liv replied.

"I...I didn't mean it like that...honest...it's just that well, Kathleen and I are worried about him." She told her.

"Kathleen? Are you guys at the house? Have you asked your Mom if she knows where he is?" Liv sat up, the edges of concern starting creep into her mind.

"No...uh...Kathleen is staying with me...we've tried the house phone...no answer..." She tried to explain.

"No answer? Where's your Mom? The twins? Maybe they went for a late dinner or something..." She was starting to be confused and she sensed that Maureen was withholding information.

"Uh...no...they wouldn't...they wouldn't be together...uh...listen, thanks, Liv. If you hear from him, will you tell him to please call me or Kathleen? Thanks. Talk you later!" Maureen did not want to the one to tell Liv about Kathy leaving again, so she ended the call before Liv could say anything else.

Olivia's left eyebrow was raised as she looked at the phone, puzzled over Maureen's abrupt ending of the call. It was official. She was now worried about Elliot. But she still did not know what to do. She knew sleep would not come anytime soon, so she got up and made her way to the kitchen and put on some water to boil. Fifteen minutes later she was sitting in the living room, sipping her decaffeinated orange blossom tea and listening to Josh Groban singing 'You Raise Me Up'. As the strains of the lyrics filled her apartment, she thought of Elliot. He did all of that for her.

'_When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be.' _

She thought of all the times after a bad case, bad day or even just a bad date, that Elliot had known what she needed. How he would come and just sit with her...in the crib, the locker room, a nearly empty bar, her front stoop or his, or even her couch. She was more than she ever thought she could be because of him. When she was with him she was safe, complete and could face anything as long as he was beside her. If only there was a way to truly be with him, for their lives to fully connect as their hearts and souls had over the last eight and half years. For the second time that night, she felt a tear slide down her face, unsolicited, yet fully aware of the heavy emotions swirling just below the surface of her being.

- - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 10:35 p.m.**

Maureen had decided to call her Mom and see if she had heard from her Dad. Kathy told her that he had called her around eight o'clock after he found the note and that they had sort of had words over the phone. Maureen knew better. It had to have been an all out fight and she knew her Dad would have been furious. After hanging up and discussing possible scenarios of what may or may not have gone on between their parents, they decided to go by the house, just to be sure Elliot was not still there.

As they approached the Stabler home, they could see their Dad's jeep in the driveway. The light over the kitchen sink was on but the rest of the house remained dark. They traded worried looks with one another, and before Maureen had the car turned off, Kathleen was out and running up the front steps. Maureen was not far behind. The front door was not locked and it seemed like no one was home because it was so silent. Quietly entering, Kathleen turned on the foyer light.

"Dad?" She called softly.

No answer.

"Daddy...are you here? It's Maureen. Daddy?"

No answer.

Maureen went to the living room and turned on a lamp, while Kathleen went to the kitchen and hit the switch there.

"Maureen! Come here!" Kathleen gasped.

She ran to the kitchen, stopping suddenly as she came to stand beside Kathleen. They surveyed the shattered cookie jar, smashed cookies and mail strewn over the floor. There were five empty beer bottles, an empty whiskey bottle lying on it's side by an empty glass on the kitchen table. They looked at each other in disbelief. Elliot never drank more than a beer or two.

"Let's check upstairs." Maureen headed for the stairway.

Kathleen turned to follow her, but she noticed the door off the kitchen that lead to the basement, was wide open, the light on. Grabbing Maureen's arm, she stopped her.

"Maur..." She pointed at the door.

They walked quickly to the door. Kathleen and Maureen stood at the top of the stairs and looked down. They both gasped at the same time. Their father lay on his stomach, motionless, at the bottom of the staircase.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Kathleen screamed as she half ran and half slid down the steps to her father.

"Dad! Oh, my god! Daddy!" Maureen scrambled right behind her sister.

"We need to call 911!" Kathleen hollered.

"No...not yet...he might get in trouble at work...let's see how bad it is..." She could not believe she was thinking this way. She had no real reason to think he would get in trouble. She only knew that it would look bad if he were drunk and had an accident and it was documented by 911.

They checked him over and he did not seem to have anything broken. Slowly, they turned him over, careful not to turn his neck, in case he was injured. He moaned and attempted to sit up.

"Dad...don't move. Stay still, okay? Just be still." Maureen told him.

"Mmmm...agh...Liv...Liv...don't leave me...don't...Kath...aaghhh..." His words were mumbled, thickened by the alcohol and groans of pain, barely understandable.

When they had him lying on his back, they saw a huge purple bruise staining the left side of his forehead and a long, deep gash emblazoned across the middle of it. Blood poured from it, streaming down the side of his head.

Elliot continued to mumble and talk incoherently. "Aaghhh...Liv...where's my Liv...you can't take my kids... No! No...don't touch her...she's...she's mine...I'll beat the...aaghhh...get away!" He thrashed around and the two of them tried to hold him still.

"Maur...he needs help...more than we can give him..." Kathleen was very upset, her voice was higher than normal and laced with fear.

"No...get some towels, water and the first aid kit. I'm going to call Liv." Maureen, cradled her Dad's head in her lap.

- - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 10:45 p.m.**

Liv was still sitting on her couch, her legs curled up beneath her, her green and blue striped flannel pajama bottoms long enough to cover and keep her bare feet warm. The blue tank top she wore, however, was not enough to keep her upper body warm and she had pulled the soft beige throw on the couch around her shoulders. Her tea, long ago, grown cold, sat on the table next to her. She was still listening to the radio, the music melancholy. Now, it was Olivia Newton John singing "I Honestly Love You".

'_I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable; I'm not trying to make you anything at all; But this feeling doesn't come along everyday; And you shouldn't blow the chance; When you've got the chance to say, I love you, I honestly love you. If we both were born, In another place and time, This moment might be ending in a kiss, But there you are with yours and here I am with mine, So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this, I love you, I honestly love you, I honestly love you.'_

She really needed to get up and turn the radio off or at least find a station with more upbeat music. She felt herself sinking deeper and deeper into the throes of depression with each song that was played. She had been crying ever since that first renegade tear had blazed a trail down her face. Sniffling, she wiped at her tears and nose with the back of her hand. Once again, the chirping of her cell phone interrupted her evening. She pulled the throw off and ran to her bedroom to get the phone. Since it had already rung so many times the next ring would send it to voice mail, she grabbed it up without checking the caller I.D.

"Benson." She was out of breath as she answered.

Maureen had been cool, calm and collected about the entire situation, holding it together for Kathleen, but as soon as she heard Olivia's voice, she burst into tears.

"Olivia...oh, my god...Liv...Daddy's hurt...he fell down the basement stairs...you gotta come...help us! Oh, Daddy! Liv, hurry!" She sobbed into the phone.

Liv felt as though she were suddenly suspended in time. Her heart stopped, she could not breathe, her mind went blank. Maureen's cries for help finally brought her back to her senses. She was crying so hard, Liv was not sure she said what she thought she did.

"Maureen...slow down, honey. Take a deep breath. Tell me again...what happened." Liv spoke slowly, enunciating each word.

"Daddy...we came to the house to see if he was here...we found him at the bottom of the basement stairs. He's been drinking...a lot...he has a really bad cut on his forehead...I don't want to call 911 cause he might get in trouble at work...Liv, please come! Hurry!" She quieted just a bit. Liv could hear Kathleen talking in the background and then she heard Elliot moaning.

Drinking? Why? Head injury...head injury. What to do?? She could barely think straight. "Keep him still...is he conscious?"

"Sort of...he keeps mumbling and groaning...trying to talk." She replied.

"Okay...okay...ummm...is he bleeding from the eyes, ears, nose or mouth?" She went to her dresser and got the sweatshirt she had on earlier and pulled it on over her tank while she talked to Maureen.

"No...just from the gash on his head..." She sniffled.

"Good. Good. Umm...what about his heartbeat? Breathing? Is it steady or irregular?" She struggled to put on her jeans with one hand. "Maur...I need to get dressed...I'm putting you on speaker."

"His heart seems pretty regular to me...but his breathing is kind of...I don't know...I don't know..." She started to cry again.

"Honey...try to stay calm...I'll stay with you on the phone while I drive over, if you want...I'm leaving now, okay...Maureen?" She was worried about the girls, too.

"Okay...but I need to go so I can clean him up and take care of the cut...I'll call you back if we need you. Please hurry! Please!" Maureen cried.

"I will. I will." She flipped the phone closed, slipped on her boots, grabbed her keys and jacket and took off for the Stabler house.

A million thoughts and scenarios, none of them good, swirled in her mind, banging into one another, keeping her from thinking rationally. Why had he been drinking? He wasn't upset when he left her place. Something must have happened. What? How had he fallen down the stairs? If anything happened to him...if he...if he... She could not go on. She would not survive it. She could not survive without him. He was so intertwined with her very being, with her heart and mind, she would be nothing without him. She always knew it. Now, she was willing to admit it. Hang on, El. I'm on the way.

- - - - - -

**A/N:** _Here's another chapter in the life of Liv and El. Hope you like it. Appreciate the reviews. They keep me going...and I've been sick...still running a slight fever...so give me a shot or two to keep me going...Liv and El got that fever, too, huh? LOL! " ) Bensler_

_**Benslerfan**: I fixed the problem...thanks for keeping me straight!_

_Those wanting JO FO CO (Chester...not Casey) anything except EO...sorry...you're gonna have to look elsewhere. " ) Bensler_


	18. Deju Vu

**Chapter 18 - Deja Vu **

**Stabler Residence**

**Thursday, January 24, 11:10 p.m.**

Liv knew Elliot had sustained a head injury and since he was unconscious she was pretty sure he had a concussion. Anytime someone loses consciousness after a blow to the head, they need to be checked out by a doctor. She knew that 911 would not be the way to go. She also knew time was of the essence. She dialed a number on her cell and waited.

"Frannie? Olivia. Listen, I have a really a big favor to ask..."

Liv had wanted to put the cherry on the dash, but decided that might draw more attention than necessary. Thoughts of ending up in Cragen's office with him crawling all over her for misuse of official equipment was a huge deterrent, not to mention having to explain about Elliot's accident. Besides it was kind of late and there wouldn't be much traffic and if it came down to it, she _would_ flash her badge. During the normal hours of the day, it took nearly thirty minutes to get to Elliot's from her apartment. She made it tonight in just under twenty. As she neared the Stabler home, she could see Elliot's and Maureen's vehicles in the driveway.

Pulling in behind his car, she felt her stomach tighten to the point that she knew throwing up would be a relief. Her hands were sweating and she was shaking like a leaf. Getting out of the car, she told herself she had to be calm for the girls. And Elliot. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she ran for the front door. It was open and she did not bother with the formality of knocking. She had been to his house plenty of times and knew the layout. She headed for the kitchen where she was momentarily fazed by the debris that she instinctively knew was the aftermath of one of Elliot's rage driven explosions of fury. What had happened to precipitate this event, she wondered. Gathering her wits, she called out for the girls and headed toward the open basement door.

"Maureen? Kathleen? I'm here..." She called out.

The sight before her made her knees go weak, her stomach churn. Both girls looked up at her, moving their heads that partially blocked Elliot's face allowing her to clearly see the huge knot and gash on his head. Never taking her eyes off of him, she hurried down the steps.

"Liv!" Kathleen cried.

"I am so glad you are here, Liv!" Maureen started crying again.

"It's okay...he'll be fine..." She hugged both girls quickly and turned to Elliot.

"El? El? Honey, can you hear me?" She softly caressed his left cheek with her right hand as her left hand cupped his right cheek.

She glanced up at Maureen. The look between them told her Maureen knew. Knew how she felt about her Dad. That she did not seem angry about it, surprised Liv. She figured there would be time for talking later.

She lifted his eyelids to check his pupils. Neither were enlarged and that was a good thing.

"Why did you do that?" Kathleen asked.

"Well, the main concern in a head injury is that there may be bleeding inside the skull. This can happen even if the skull is not clearly damaged...which in this case, it is. The accumulation of blood may eventually put pressure on the brain and cause brain damage. One of the easiest ways to find out if this is a potential problem, is to check the pupils. If they are the same size, it's good. If one is enlarged, it's generally a bad sign. His are fine." She patted Kathleen on the knee.

He moaned and mumbled a long string of sounds, but the only thing decipherable was her name...'Liv'.

"Has he said anything that was it coherent?" Liv asked, checking the knot and gash. "You've cleaned this up really well...but looks like it may need some stitches..."

"He's mumbled and talk a lot, but most of it is broken...few words at a time...and it's more like rambling about different things..." Maureen told her.

"Like what? Maybe we can figure out why he did this...was apparently drinking...uh...drunk, judging from all those empty bottles..." She ran her hands over his legs and arms, checking for broken bones.

Kathleen and Maureen exchanged guarded looks. This action was not lost on Liv. She sighed, ran a hand through her hair and turned her gaze on the Elliot's two oldest children.

"Okay...something is going on...and as soon as we get your Dad situated...you are going to spill it." She looked back and forth between the them. "He has to have medical attention..."

"But Liv, won't he get in trouble?" Maureen questioned. "He seems okay, now."

"The media would have a heyday with it...Drunken Detective injured in fall...yea, Cragen would be fit to be tied...but your Dad has been unconscious and he's still pretty much out...that's why I called a doctor friend. She runs a clinic here in Queens...she'll check your Dad out anonymously. She should be here any minute now." Liv had been kneeling and now leaned back on her legs. Just then the doorbell rang.

- - - - -

Fifteen minutes later, Dr. Francesca Devane, a.k.a. Dr. Frannie, a tall, very attractive, older, black woman, had completely assessed Elliot. She put him on oxygen and an I.V. drip, dermabonded the two inch gash on his forehead , announced that he had at least two broken ribs, which were the reason for his labored breathing. Fortunately, they had not collapsed his lungs.

"What is that you put on the cut?" Kathleen asked, watching the doctor.

"It's called dermabond. It can take the place of stitches especially on the head and face where the wounds are not deep because of the skull. It generally leaves a lot less scarring, too." Dr. Frannie explained.

Turning to Olivia, she continued. "Liv, he really should have an MRI or CAT scan of his head...if you can get him by the clinic early in the morning, I'll take care of it."

"Okay...yea...we can do that..." Liv answered, concern filled her voice.

"How long will he be unconscious?" Maureen asked.

"Hard to say given the amount of alcohol he consumed. He may be sleeping that off or it might be the bump to the head or both...not more than a few more hours though..." The doctor explained.

Liv was kneeling on the floor beside him, holding his right hand in both of hers. Maureen sat on the edge of the couch at her Dad's waist, her hand patting his chest. Kathleen stood at his head, just staring at him.

"I think he will be all right through the night as long as someone stays with him the entire time. You can't be too cautious with head injuries, you know." Dr. Frannie smiled and patted Liv's shoulder.

Relief flooded Liv's features and she smiled at the doctor. "Thank you, Frannie. I don't know how to repay you..." Tears sprung to her eyes but she quickly blinked them back.

"You just keep sending young girls and women who need help, my way...that's how you thank me." She stood and handed Liv a small, cylindrical bottle. "Hydrocodone...he can have one every 4-6 hours for pain. Call me if he awakes and is combative or hostile or if there is any change in his heart rate or breathing. See you in the morning."

"I'll walk you out, doctor." Kathleen offered.

The four of them had managed to get Elliot up onto a couch in the corner of the basement that he and Dickie had begun converting into a game/entertainment area. The only thing down there so far was the couch, an old recliner, a lamp on a small table, a television set with three game systems and a ping-pong table.

"Liv...will you stay with us?" Maureen asked, looking over at Liv. "I don't want to be alone in case something else happens."

Liv looked at her, slowly searching her eyes. "How 'bout you tell me what is going on..." Her voice was soft, nearly a whisper.

"I don't know what you..." Maureen started.

"Cut the crap, Maureen! We know each other better than that!" Her soft voice was instantly replaced with one full of irritation.

When she was still hesitant to answer, Olivia asked another question. "Where's your Mom? She needs to be told about your Dad." She watched as Maureen's face ran a complete circle of emotions.

"No! I...uh...she doesn't...there's no need for her to know about this." Maureen was edgy and nervous, now. "At all."

Liv just sat there staring at her. Maureen could not hold her gaze and kept looking away and then back at her. She was fidgeting with her Dad's shirt, smoothing it down, patting his chest. Liv just continued her silent observation, knowing it would eventually get to Maureen.

Kathleen had walked back in and stood silently a few feet away. Maureen glanced over at her sister and Kathleen nodded.

"Dad was upset because he came home and found Mom gone." She looked at Liv, waiting to see her reaction.

"Okay...so...what's the big deal? She didn't have his slippers and dinner waiting on him or something?" She was not following Maureen's revelation.

"Mom's gone, Liv. She took the twins and Eli and she's gone. She left Dad again and this time she's not coming back. He found her note and he went bonkers!" Kathleen added more detail.

Now, Liv understood. Now, she was not sure she wanted to understand. Now, she understood the reason for the destruction in the kitchen. He was brokenhearted that his wife had left him. Again. She knew Elliot and Kathy were not getting along. He had told her that much. But he had also clearly said things to her that could not be reconciled to him being upset enough over Kathy leaving to drink himself into a drunken stupor and nearly kill himself falling down a flight of stairs.

If he wasn't already hurt, she would smack him. How stupid was she to believe him when he told her he loved her! If he loved her like he said, he would not be this upset over Kathy leaving him again. He had even said things that made her believe he was going to tell Kathy it was not working and he wanted out. If he really felt that way, then why would he be so devastated that she beat him to it? She felt sick to her stomach all over again, only this time it was for a completely different reason. This was like a slap in the face. A punch in the gut. A jolt of reality. She was not worthy of being loved like he claimed he loved her. She was not the kind of woman he would want as his wife. And she was fool to believe him when he said those three words. Suddenly she just wanted out. Out of that house. Out of any kind of relationship whatsoever with this man that lay before her. Out of SVU. Out of the NYPD. Out of New York.

"Liv? Did you hear me?" Kathleen tried to get her attention.

"What? Oh...yea...I heard you." She tried to pull herself together.

"Will you stay tonight? Please?" Maureen pleaded with her eyes as well as her voice.

"Yea, Liv, please?" Kathleen added.

Even though every fiber of her being wanted to run, to bolt, there was no way she could leave these girls. Elliot's daughters. She would stay, not for him, but for them. "Of course, I'll stay." She managed a small smile.

- - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Friday, January 25, 1:17 a.m.**

It was close to midnight when the girls and Liv got settled in the basement to sleep. Maureen and Kathleen had dug out a couple of sleeping bags and pillows they found among the camping gear down there. They got extra blankets and a pillow for Liv to sleep in the recliner. They said good night and the girls were both asleep almost instantly. Liv couldn't sleep. She kept looking at Elliot, thinking about Elliot and how much she loved him and how she would never have him and was such an idiot to think he meant any of those things he said to her. She felt so betrayed by him and his words. For the first time in almost nine years, she had lost her trust in him. In herself, even. At this moment, she felt more alone than ever before in her life.

Finally, she got up and made her way up to the kitchen. They had decided to wait until the morning to clean up the mess Elliot had made. But, now looking around, she began to pick up the mail and put it in a pile on the counter. Then she picked up the biggest pieces of the broken ceramic so they would not damage the wooden floor any more than it already had and threw them in the trash. She found a broom and dustpan and started to sweep. The whole situation seemed like the kitchen...just one big mess. It did not take that long to get every thing back in order. She found some tea bags and put a mug of water in the microwave. After adding some sugar and milk, she took the mug of tea and went to sit on the front porch. It was cold, but not quite as bitterly so as it had been earlier in the week. The sky was clear and she could see it was covered in twinkling stars. Quite a sight for a girl who lived in the city and the only lights you could see came from high rises and flashing neon lights. It was beautiful out here.

She had only been there a few minutes when the squeak of the screen door caused her to turn her head just as Kathleen stepped out onto the porch.

"Liv...what are you doing? It's cold out here. Are you okay?" She whispered.

"I'm fine. Just wanted some fresh air. Why are you whispering?" She smiled and patted the step next to her.

Kathleen leaned back in the house and grabbed Elliot's coat to put on before coming to sit by Liv. "I don't know." She spoke normally and then chuckled. "I saw that you cleaned up the kitchen...thanks."

"No problem." She turned back to the star filled sky. "It's beautiful...the sky. Can't see it like this in the city."

"Yea...I guess I kind of take it for granted cause it's always there..." Sitting beside Liv, she looked upward, too.

She leaned her head on Liv's shoulder and Liv nearly died from shock. Of all of Elliot's children, she and Kathleen had the hardest time connecting. She felt like Liv was the reason her parents split up the first time and made no attempt to hide her open hostility for Liv. She took this gesture for what it was...both an apology and surrender from the ongoing battle. She was burying the hatchet. Liv wanted to ask her what prompted this, but did not want to break the spell of the moment. Instead, she wrapped her arm around Kathleen's shoulder and began to stroke her hair. Kathleen wrapped her arm around Liv's waist. They sat like this for two or three minutes, in silence. Liv could smell Elliot's cologne that lingered on his coat. She stifled a sob, closed her eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent. Elliot. Why did you say those things to me only to rip the ground from beneath me now with the truth?

"Liv?" Kathleen said softly.

"Hmmm..." Liv answered.

"Can I ask you something?" Her voice sounded like a little girl's.

She took a minute to answer. "Sure. Anything."

"Do you..." She took a deep breath. "Do you love Daddy?"

Liv immediately tensed and felt her heart quicken. She was not sure she would be able to speak. Several moments went by, the silence awkward, her gaze still upon the shining stars.

"Maureen says you guys really love each other...that you have this awesome connection...she told me how Daddy was when they found you at your apartment that day..." Kathleen spoke so softly, Liv had to strain to hear her even as close as they were sitting.

She maintained her silent vigil of the starry sky.

"She told me she hoped one day she found someone that loved her like Daddy loves you..." She pulled away and looked Liv in the eyes. "You do love him, don't you?"

Olivia remembered Maureen saying that when she was unconscious and wondered later if she had really heard it. She looked into the strangely familiar blue eyes, Elliot's eyes, reproduced in his daughter. "Yes...we're partners and best friends...of course, I love your Dad."

"Not like that Liv...you know what I mean..." She protested.

"I think your Dad's actions tonight showed just how much he loves...your...your Mom..." She fought to speak around the huge lump in her throat. "And you kids. I also think we are not having this conversation." She stood and pulled Kathleen up and headed back into the house. "Come on, kiddo. Let's get back to bed."

- - - - - -

**Stabler Residence**

**Friday, January 25, 2:49 a.m.**

Strange sounds, grunts and moan, movement of arms and legs, a hand reaching for her, woke her from the sleep to which she had finally succumbed. Elliot was waking up. Sort of, anyway. She sat up and pulled the blanket from her body and leaned toward him.

"El? El, can you hear me?" Liv whispered in his ear.

"Mmmm...aghhh...can't breathe...grrrmm...hurts...Kathy! Don't! No...where's Liv?" He was not really awake, but he was moving around, pushing the blanket off, reaching out into the empty air.

"Elliot...I'm right here...shhhh...it's okay." She stroked his face with her hands. He quieted a little.

"Liv...is he awake?" Maureen asked, coming over to the couch.

"Not really..." Liv felt self conscious and moved her hands from his face.

"Maur...Liv...did I hear Dad talking?" Kathleen was now awake, too.

"Kind of...but he's still out of it." Maureen answered.

"Mmmmaagghhhhh!" A sharp intake of air preceded the deep, guttural moan that came from him. "Hurts...so bad..."

"Where? What hurts, El?" Liv reached to hold him but he pushed her away as though fighting with someone.

As quickly as he had pushed her away, he now reached for her and pulled her to him. "Liv...can't...Kath...Kath...don't...can't...Liv...without you..." He spoke clearer now and his words pierced Olivia's heart. The pain was unlike any other she had ever felt. It was raw and deep and physical.

What she heard him say was 'Kath...can't _live_ without you' and she could not take anymore. She recoiled from his touch, from him, as tears welled in her eyes and began their trek down her cheeks. Angrily, she wiped them away and stood up, backing away from the couch. She picked up her coat and stuffed her feet into her boots.

"Are you leaving? Why?" Kathleen was on the verge of tears.

"Liv? What are you doing? What's wrong?" Maureen was disturbed by Liv's sudden loss of composure.

She stood as well, and reached out for her. But, Liv backed away from her, one hand extended out in the silent plea for her to stop and the other reaching in her back jean pocket for the card Dr. Frannie had given her. She held the card out toward Maureen.

"This is where you need to take your Dad in the morning...he should be awake enough by then to get to the car." She shook the card a bit, to get Maureen to take it, tears flowing freely down her face.

As soon as Maureen's fingers touched the card, Olivia bolted up the stairs. They heard her footsteps running across the hardwood floor of the kitchen, through the hall and foyer, followed by the slam of the front door and the sound of the engine as she cranked her car and left the remaining Stabler family behind.

Kathleen and Maureen stood in shock, staring at each other.

"What just happened? She was really upset..." Kathleen shook her head.

In the background their father continued his partially intelligible groaning and moaning interspersed with actual words.

"Mmmmm...Kathy...don't...can't...Liv...without you...don't take...kids...baby...Kathy...Kath...aagghh...can't...do this...Liv...Olivia...need you...Olivia...without you...nothing's right...mmmm..."

Maureen looked at her father and then Kathleen. "I think I know what's wrong with Liv..."

"What?" Kathleen was puzzled.

"It's just like when we found Liv at her place...the things Dad was saying to her...I couldn't figure out if he was saying 'I couldn't...Liv...you gotta be okay!' calling her name to tell her she would be alright or if he said 'I couldn't...live' like he would not be able to carry on in life without her. This is the same thing and what she thought he said, upset Liv."

"Huh?" Kathleen did not quite understand what her sister was trying to tell her.

"What Dad's saying...listen to him...awhile ago he said Mom's name and then said something like he couldn't live without her...but that's not what he meant. He just now said...'Liv, Olivia, without you nothing's right'. Liv thought he was telling Mom he couldn't live without her, without Mom, not that he needed Liv...Olivia!"

Understanding now washed over Kathleen's face. "Yea. Yea. You're right! We gotta tell her!" She picked up her cell phone to call Liv.

"No. Let's show her! I'm going to get Dickie's camcorder! Be right back!" She ran for the stairs.

- - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Friday, January 25, 10:45 a.m.**

Olivia had not slept well. After getting home from Elliot's around 3:45 in the morning, she tossed and turned all night. At some point she had fallen asleep because now she was waking up. She lay in the bed and stretched. She thought about all that had happened last night. Seeing Elliot at the bottom of the stairs, the gash on his head, his daughters gathered around him in fear. She thought about Dr. Frannie helping him and telling her he would be fine. She wondered how the visit went this morning but was not about to call to find out. She was glad she did not have to go to work, even though she dreaded going through another round of dialysis. Groaning, she turned over to check the time on the alarm clock on her bedside table. 10:46. She was suppose to be at the hospital by noon. If she didn't start getting ready now, she would never make it on time. Dragging herself out of bed, she turned the water on in the shower and went to get clean clothes.

Twenty minutes later, dressed, complete with makeup and fixed hair, she sat at her small dining table drinking a cup of tea. The vibration of her cell phone clipped to her waist brought her out of her reverie. Picking it up, she saw 'Elliot' flashing on the screen. Her hand shook as she sent the call to voice mail. She noticed she had four other missed calls. One each from Kathleen and Maureen and the other two from Elliot. She knew she had to face him sooner or later, but right now later was her desired choice. She put her cup in the sink, put on her coat and left for the hospital.

- - - - -

**SVU Squad Room**

**Friday, January 25, 10:45 a.m.**

Elliot sat at his desk contemplating going to Olivia's apartment. She was not answering her cell phone. He knew she was ignoring him but he was sure he did not know why. He saw where she had called him nearly a dozen times last night before his little accident and was at a loss as to why she would not answer her phone now. The girls had told him that they called Liv for help when they found him. He was thankful that Maureen had the presence of mind not to call 911 and thankful that Liv had a doctor friend willing to help him, no questions asked. He had been in so much trouble with Cragen lately, that this would have been the straw on the camel's back. If it weren't enough to win him a lengthy suspension, it would most definitely have landed him in Huang's office being shrinked far into the next century. He had come in an hour late this morning due to being checked out by Dr. Frannie. He had a mild concussion and the two broken ribs but was fine otherwise. She wanted him to go home and rest today and the weekend, but he shrugged off her recommendation and headed for the precinct. Fin and Munch were on a call and Cragen was at a meeting with the brass so Elliot had not seen him yet. He was not looking forward to explaining his current physical condition. Lake asked how the other guy looked but when Elliot gave him a hard glare, dropped the line of questioning.

Commotion in the hallway indicated that Fin and Munch were back. Their bantering bicker could be heard before they came into sight. Stepping into the squad room they both caught sight of Elliot at the same time.

"Whoa! What happened to you, man? The Mrs. get the frying pan after you?" Fin joked and nudged Munch.

"Take it from me, Elliot...you should always bail before it gets physically abusive. The woman always wins. Just ask any of my exes." Munch told him.

"You know, you two ought to try to get a job on Comedy Central." Elliot snapped.

"So, gonna tell us what happened?" Fin stood by Elliot, as Munch went to sit down at his desk.

"Just a little home accident. It's nothing." He opened a file and started reading, an indication that the conversation was over.

At this point, Cragen arrived and he stepped over to talk to his detectives. "Fin, Munch. What was the deal on that call this morning?"

"Lady said she was raped by her boyfriend, but when we got there, they was all lovey-dovey." Fin told him.

"Yea...she had clearly been knocked around, but refused to press charges." Munch added.

"Okay...hey, Elliot...thought you would like to..." Elliot turned and the Captain got a good look at his head. "What the heck happened to you?"

"Oh...uh...just a little accident at home...nothing serious..." Elliot explained, touching the bump on his head.

"Looks like you should have a concussion with a knot and gash like that...what did the doctor say?" Cragen asked him, a worried, or perhaps, suspicious look on his face.

"Doctor? How do you know I went to the doctor?" Elliot was concerned that the captain knew about Dr. Frannie.

Cragen looked at him oddly. "The gash has been dermabonded...or did you do it at home with superglue?" Cragen replied.

"Uh...yea...right...doc said I'm fine...mild concussion...I'm fine." He leaned back in his chair and stared at the captain. Leaning back caused his ribs to hurt, but he caught himself before he moaned out in pain.

"Okay...well, thought you would want to know...ACS decided not to prosecute Emmie Conners for taking Ariel Stanford to her grandparents. She has, however, lost the right to be a foster parent. And Ariel and Allison have been placed in a new foster home together. Make sure you let Liv know." He nodded at Elliot.

"That's great. Thanks, Captain." Elliot smiled.

"All right people. Get to work." Cragen headed for his office.

Elliot let out a deep sigh and felt the tension leave his body. He tried to call Liv a couple of more times, but then remembered she would be at the hospital by now. So, he tried to concentrate on work. The day was slow, a rare thing at the SVU. Elliot and the guys had gone for pizza. When they returned, only one other call came in after lunch and Fin and Lake had taken it. Finishing up some paperwork, Elliot glanced at his watch. 3:05. He figured he should head over to the attorney's office. Logging off his computer, he watched as the NYPD logo screen saver appeared, dreading what he knew lay ahead this afternoon. He stood, picked up his jacket and cell and went by Cragen's office to let him know he had some business to attend to.

**Paul S. Carman, Attorney-at-Law**

**Friday, January 25, 3:25 p.m.**

Staring at the name on the office window, Elliot stood just a moment, before opening the door of his attorney's office. He had a strange sense of deja vu, like he was looking at a rerun of an episode in his life. An episode he should have let play out a year ago. Even though he knew why he was here, knew he wanted this, was ready for it, it did not keep his stomach from reeling, his breathing from being difficult, his heart from pounding, nor his hands from shaking. Taking a deep breath, in the hopes of steadying himself, and cracking his neck by turning his head first to the left and then the right, he opened the door and stepped into the waiting room. There in the corner, looking small, yet determined, sat Kathy. She looked up as he entered, her gaze locking with his. Blue eyes on blue. His wife. The mother of his children. His soon to be past.

- - - - -

**A/N:** _Thanks for the reviews. I've still been sick...everyone I know is sick! Anyway, I managed to finish this chapter. Let me know what you guys think. I so appreciate your input! " ) Bensler_


	19. Divorce

**Chapter 19 - Divorce**

**Paul S. Carman, Attorney-at-Law**

**Friday, January 25, 3:40 p.m.**

The bruise and gash on Elliot's forehead was not something that could go unnoticed. It was the first thing Kathy saw when he stepped into the office. Twenty plus years of sharing, caring jumped into play and she had to ask about it.

"El...what happened? Are you okay?" The concern in her voice was sincere.

He waved her off. "Nothing. I'm fine." He didn't want her concern. Not after the way she had left a note to tell him she wanted out of their marriage.

She nodded and looked away. She made a mental note to ask the girls about it. Five minutes. They sat in uncomfortable silence. He tried not to look at her. She had on dark blue jeans and a light blue sweater, the sweater that always made her eyes seem brighter. The sweater he always liked on her. Ten minutes. Her long blonde hair fell over the front of the brown parka she wore. She did not look his way. Fifteen minutes. Finally, a door opened.

"Kathy, Elliot. Come in. Please, have a seat." Paul Carman watched the two as they entered his office before him. He had known them both for a long time. The twins and his oldest child were in the same class starting in kindergarten and their families socialized from time to time. He hated that it had come to this. Again. He had hoped they had worked things out and could make a go of their marriage. But, in his line of work he had seen too many marriages dissolve to be surprised.

Elliot waited until Kathy had removed her parka, placed it on the back of the chair and taken a seat, before taking one himself leaving an empty chair between them. He glanced at her and saw that she was composed. No tears. Not even a hint of a tear. He wondered if she were as torn up and twisted as he was inside.

"I assume this is a mutual agreement." He paused, looking first at Kathy and then Elliot.

Kathy glanced at Elliot as she nodded. He had on his navy blue suit with a blue and white checkered shirt and a tie with blue stripes. He cleared his throat as he ran his hands up and down his thighs in an attempt to rid them of the perspiration. He looked at Kathy and then at Paul and nodded.

"Well, then I suppose I have a bit of good news..." He open a folder and pulled out some papers. "When you submitted the signed divorce papers last year...apparently no one thought to stop the proceedings when you two got back together. So, all we have to do is go before the judge, if you are still in accordance with the original terms, and he will grant the divorce. Should be able to wrap it up with a week or so."

"Oh...so we won't have to wait very long?" Kathy asked. That she seemed eager, irritated Elliot for some reason.

"No...all we need is for the judge to sign the decree and the divorce will be final." Paul told her. "So, if you are both still in accord with the terms, I just need to have you sign and date these forms." He reached in another file to pull out two forms.

"We are..." She stated, as she took one of the forms.

"No! No...I'm not in accord with the original terms...I mean, it's been almost three years since that was all laid out. The kids are older and we have Eli. I..." Elliot's voice was unusually loud in the small office.

"Elliot, don't do this..." Kathy started.

"Don't do what? Fight for my kids? You are not going to just take them away from me this time, Kathy!" He spoke through clenched teeth.

"Just what did you have in mind, Elliot? The courts still tend to favor the mother in custody cases, especially when she has been a stay at home mom for most of the time. But liberal visitation rights are much more the norm now for non-custodial parents." Paul explained, trying to diffuse the situation.

"This is her idea but she shouldn't get to call all the shots." His head snapped toward Kathy.

"My idea?! Elliot Stabler! I have fought relentlessly for this marriage! You are the one who decided to give a kidney away to your partner without even talking to me about it! What does that say about the state of our marriage?" She glared at him, unblinking.

"Elliot! Kathy!" They gave no heed to the attorney.

"I told you. I don't see what the big deal is. My partner might need a kidney transplant, we're compatible, and I want to do it! I'd do the same for you, Kathy!" He bellowed.

"But it's not the same...I am your wife! Maybe if you had made the other changes I begged for years for you to make, things would be different now. But, no, you would not make any changes! You are the one..." She was standing now, glaring down at him.

The fury he had held at bay, engulfed him, as he stood and stepped toe to toe with her. "Wouldn't make changes? I have been home for supper nearly every night since Eli was born! My colleagues have taken more calls than me, in the hopes of keeping you off my back! They have even volunteered to take my on-call weekends just so I could be with you and the kids! And did I pull any holiday shifts? No! Not one! You don't think that is a change!? You think that is fair to my co-workers!? Nothing pleases you! What do you want, Kathy? Bankers hours? I'm a cop, for Pete's sakes! Cops don't have regular hours!"

"It might be a change, but it's not the real change that we needed. That I begged you for! That I pleaded for! If you had only transferred out of SVU, we wouldn't be sitting here now! If you had left your...your..." She was just as mad as he was now.

"Kathy...don't say it...don't say it, Kathy." He warned, his eyes like fiery darts ready to strike a death blow.

"Say what, Elliot? That if you had left your precious partner, your best friend..." She was not backing down.

He grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her. "Kathy! Don't! Just don't! That is not the reason for this and you know it!" He was breathing so hard he thought he was going to pass out. The blood roared in his ears and his heart felt like someone was on the inside pounding to get out.

"It is the reason, Elliot! If you had never met..." The look on his face cause her to stop. His features were deeply etched with absolute, unbridled fury. The rage emanating from him filled the room. She had never seen him like this. Never. For a brief second, she feared that he could hit her. Would hit her. She had never in her life thought that about Elliot Stabler. She quickly realized she had crossed a line.

He must have sensed the same thing because he released her so suddenly, she fell back into her chair. "Kathy, we were fighting long before SVU, long before...before..." His voice was rough, ragged with emotion. He stopped, swallowed hard, breathed deeply and turned to the attorney. "Look, I love my kids, my baby. The twins are old enough to choose...so give them the choice...and I want custody of Eli." Even as he said it, he knew it was not in Eli's best interest.

"Well, yes, the twins are sixteen...so technically they can choose. However, there does need to be a primary care giver or guardian, if you will, that is recognized by the court." Paul told him, somewhat shaken by what had just played out before him.

Having calmed down a bit, Kathy spoke quietly. "Elliot...you know you can see the kids whenever you want...I would never keep them from you, you know that ...but please, Eli needs to be with me. El, please." She began to cry softly.

"They're my kids, Kath...don't take them away...I love them...I...just...don't...don't take them away..." His voice cracked.

Elliot was losing control of his emotions. He felt tears welling in his eyes. He turned completely around, and ran his hands through his hair, over his face, resting his hands at this mouth as though in prayer, his eyes closed. Kathy looked down at the floor, her shoulders softly heaving as she continued to cry.

"Perhaps, we should take a few days, let the two of you talk this out, think it over and we'll get back together, say Monday or Tuesday and see what we can work out." Paul suggested.

"Yes...we'll do that. Okay, Elliot?" Kathy sniffled. "Elliot?"

He looked at Kathy, the woman who had been part of his life for almost twenty three years, his wife, mother of his children and he had no words. As a tear freed itself from his self imposed restraint, trailed down his cheek, over his jaw and down his neck to disappear into the collar of his shirt, he stared at her mutely. His voice no longer belonged to him. Upon his silent inward command to speak, it uttered no sound. So, instead, he shook his head, turned on his heel and left the office of Paul S. Carman, Attorney-at-Law, slamming the door behind him so hard the diplomas and plaques of recognition, trembled on their hanging place on the wall.

Kathy Stabler trembled, too, as the finality of her marriage became a reality and tears streamed over her face. Staring down at her hands in her lap, she watched as one, lonely tear splashed onto her wedding ring and she knew it had to be over once and for all so they could all begin to live life once again.

- - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Friday, January 25, 6:00 p.m.**

Olivia was tired from the long afternoon at the hospital. It was boring just lying there reading magazines while her blood was cleansed. She was energetic and lying around was a waste of time and the doctor wanted her to do more of the same the whole weekend. Casey had taken off early and picked her up around 4:30. They got sandwiches from a nearby deli on the way to Liv's apartment. Casey hung out for about thirty minutes, enough time for them to eat, but she could tell Liv was tired and was just too polite to tell her to leave.

She puttered around the apartment, looking for something to do. She was tired but doubted she would be able to sleep with all the thoughts warring inside her head. The chirping of her cell phone startled her. Checking the caller I.D., she answered.

"Benson."

"Olivia...how are you doing?" His deep voice was surprisingly soothing to her.

"Hey, Cap'n. I'm good...a little tired...but good." She smiled to herself.

"One more tomorrow?" He asked.

"Yep. One more tomorrow. He'll check everything on Monday afternoon and if it looks good, then I'm done." She told him.

"That's good to hear. I trust you are taking it easy and getting some rest..." He said.

"Trying to...you know me...not good at doing nothing." She laughed.

"Well, you try and be good at it until Monday. That's an order." He tried to sound gruff and authoritative.

"Yes, Sir!" She exclaimed.

"Seriously, Liv...if you need anything...anything at all...call me. That's an order, too." He said softly.

"Thanks, Don...I will." They ended the call.

She checked her missed calls and messages. Maureen and Kathleen had each tried calling her again. As much as she wanted to know about Elliot, she just was not up to talking to them yet. She couldn't even bring herself to listen to the messages they left. She knew they would question her quick departure last night. And she knew they knew she was upset and she would have to explain that somehow. Elliot had also called several times. She definitely was not up to talking to him. She put on a CD of piano and violin music and lay on her couch. Maybe if she just zoned out, sleep would find her.

- - - - -

**O'Reilly's Bar**

**Friday, January 25, 6:40 p.m.**

Elliot had been sitting at the bar for nearly two hours. When he left the attorney's office, he started walking. He had no idea where he was going, he just needed to burn off some of the anger and nervous energy pent up inside of him. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of Olivia's apartment building. He stood there for a nearly thirty minutes trying to decide if he should ring the buzzer. He finally decided he needed something to calm him down. But, once he got to the bar, he kept remembering the night before and where alcohol had gotten him, so he sipped on a straight coca-cola.

He thought of the meeting with the attorney. He knew he and Kathy need to find a way to go their separate ways in an amicable fashion and he knew that eventually they would. Maybe not right now, maybe not soon, but one day they would be able to be friends again. He just didn't want to lose touch with his kids. He loved them fiercely. They were his world. He turned his thoughts to Liv. If Paul Carman was right, he could be a free man within a week. Free to be with Olivia, free to declare his love openly. If, she would have him, that is. He wondered how her treatment went today, how she was doing, what she was doing. If Pierce was there. Oh, yea. He never found out what happened with her and Pierce. For all he knew they had kissed and made up. The thought made him physically ill and he pushed it aside.

The girls told him how they called Liv and she had come to help and was going to stay the night, but then left. They did not really have time to talk about it between him getting checked out at Dr. Frannie's clinic and the girls having classes and jobs to attend. Maureen had dropped him off at the station and promised to fill him in on everything later. Well, it was later and now she had plans with some friends and Kathleen was working until 11:00. So, he figured he find out for himself, straight from the source. But, first he'd find out about Pierce.

Twice in as many hours he found himself standing in front of Liv's building. Only this time, he didn't hesitate. He was about to ring the outside buzzer when old man Harrison came out. He spoke to Elliot and held the door for him. Great, he thought, now I can go straight to her apartment door. He had picked up a couple of chocolate shakes from the diner down the block. She'd have to let him in if he was bearing chocolate.

- - - - - -

**Benson Residence**

**Friday, January 25, 6:50 p.m.**

Olivia watched as Fin and Lake boarded up Bert's Diner. Bang, bang, bang! It had been found a health hazard because of serving arsenic laced food and beverages. Bang, bang, bang! The hammering continued long after they had the boards securely in place. Harder, louder, more insistent. Bang, bang, bang, bang! Cragen, Munch, Casey, Elliot and she cheered as they finished. Bang, bang, bang, bang!

"Liv! Olivia!" Bang, bang, bang, bang!

Her eyes flew open, startled, she blinked and looked around. Did someone call her name? Bang, bang, bang, bang! That's not a dream. Someone was at her door. She jumped up and ran to look out the security glass. Bang, bang, bang, bang! Elliot! Instantly, every nerve in her body was on alert. Her breath became shallow, her heart raced, her knees were weak and her stomach churning. It had nothing to do with Elliot. It was only because she had been loudly aroused from a deep sleep. Yes. That's right. Uh-huh. Right. Okay, okay. Got to open the door. She started to wipe her sweating hands on her...oh, crap...she had on short, very short, shorts cut off from some old sweat pants and a tank top. Well, it's not like he hasn't ever seen her in that kind of get up. After all they work out together at times and this might cover a little more skin than her workout attire. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.

"Elliot...what...what are you doing here?" She asked, trying not to look straight at him. His eyes were so blue. He leaned against the doorway in his navy blue suit, his shirt unbuttoned to where she could see the wife beater beneath and his tie hanging untied around his neck. Even like this he was so good looking.

"Hey, Liv..." He looked her over, a smirk beginning at the corner of his lips. "Uh...catch you working out or something?" Her hair was disheveled from sleeping and she was out of breath from the nervous energy coursing through her. He thought she was absolutely adorable. Kissable.

She was very uncomfortable from the way he looked her over. "I...uh...no...I...was...uh...napping...long day." She stood with the door open only about a foot.

Holding up the shakes, he taunted her. "I have chocolate shakes...that enough clout to gain entrance into your humble abode?"

She couldn't help herself. She laughed and waved him into the apartment. Closing the door she locked it and then stood there for just a moment. He looked at her and then began to take the shakes out of the bag.

"How's...how's your head?" She looked at him and then away.

"Oh...it's...it's okay. Mild concussion. That's what Dr. Frannie said..." His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. "Guess I owe you one for calling her...Cragen would've been all over me with a 911 call."

"I'll put it on your tab...good to hear you're okay...uh...I'll...uh...be back in just a minute...have a seat or whatever..." She headed for her bedroom and closed the door.

She grabbed some worn out faded jeans and a navy blue long-sleeved NYPD t-shirt and changed. Then she ran to the bathroom and combed her hair, sprayed a bit of perfume, pinched her cheeks, brushed her teeth, ran some gloss over her lips and wiped the smeared eyeliner and mascara from under her eyes. Coming out she found Elliot leaning against her kitchen counter sipping on his shake.

"You know...you looked fine before...you always look fine to me..." He handed the other shake to her, looking her over once again.

"Well...maybe...but now I feel better..." As she took it from him, he purposely put his fingers over hers, just for minute and their eyes locked. She felt the electricity shoot through her entire body. From the way his blue eyes flamed she knew he felt the same thing. She looked away and sipped the shake. "Mmmm...good. Sam's?"

"Yep. Figured you'd have to let me in if I had chocolate." He held his cup up and wrapped his arm around hers as in a toast. In one quick movement, he had stepped close to her, so close he could feel her breath on his lips. He could also feel the fear and uncertainty. Her eyes told him she felt the same way he did, she wanted to kiss him at least as bad as he wanted to kiss her. But there was something else there, too. Something he was not sure he could name. He only knew that until it was dealt with he could not kiss her. As bad as he wanted to feel her lips upon his, he backed off.

"You know me too well, Stabler." Her voice was shaky and her smile unsure as she tried to regroup.

"Yea...but not well enough to know why you left me in the middle of the night, Benson?" He watched her closely to see her reaction.

"Uh...could we talk about that later...please?" She would not look at him.

He nodded his head. "Okay...sure...so...how'd it go with Pierce last night." He asked, not at all sure she would want to talk about that either.

"Well...I'm not sure if it went good or not..." She told him, leaning against the counter opposite of him.

"What? Come on, Liv...did you kick his butt to the road or did he sweet talk his way back into your...uh...into your good graces." He hoped she did not realize what he started to say.

No such luck, from the death glare she fixed upon him. "Let's just say we parted with a kiss and a promise to do lunch or dinner after things settle down some."

"Oh. Okay. So, it was the whole 'let's be friends' spiel, huh?" He prodded, inwardly cheering.

"Look, it's over, okay. Why is that any of your business, huh? Why do you care?" Why she was suddenly so angry, she was not sure.

"Why is it...why do I...? Are you kidding me? Did the fact that I told you 'I love you' mean anything to you? Did it not register? Or is it that you are so used to hearing it that it's no big deal? That it, huh?" He just did not understand this woman.

"Elliot...I heard what you said last night...and it did not leave any room for me to wonder how you really feel." She wasn't exactly hollering, but she was far from quiet. She turned to walk toward the living room but stopped again just inside the kitchen.

"What are you talking about?" He demanded, following her.

"Last night...why were you drunk? Why did you almost kill yourself falling down the basement stairs? Why? I'll tell you why. I know you Elliot Stabler. You were drunk but it wasn't enough! You wanted more booze and you were on your way to get wine from the basement. You wanted more to drink to dull your pain. Stop me anytime you want. But I'm right! I know I am! And you know I am!" She was hollering now.

"Liv, I..." He couldn't get a word in edgewise. That was why he was going to the basement. Wine. More alcohol. He did remember that much.

"The girls told me that you came home and found the note from Kathy. That she had left again. That she would see you at the lawyers office. That you went off the deep end, Elliot! That's why you got so drunk! You couldn't take Kathy leaving you again...because...because...you still love her. No matter what you said to me, not matter what you thought you felt for me, you still love Kathy!" She was starting to cry and her body was trembling.

"No, Liv...Olvia, no...that's not it...that's not it, at all..." He reached for her but she swatted his hands away.

"No! Don't you touch me! And don't lie to me, Elliot! I heard you last night with my own ears! I heard you! You kept saying 'Kathy, I can't live without you...don't leave me...' over and over again you kept saying it! And every time you said it, I died a little inside...how could I have been such a fool to believe you when you told me you loved me? I waited almost nine years to hear that and then...then...I find out it is nothing but a lie! A lie! I couldn't take hearing you continuing to say it...so I left. I had to get out of there!" She was sobbing now. Hysterical. Hiccuping, wiping furiously at the steady stream of tears coursing down her face.

Elliot was in shock. His blue eyes were wide in disbelief over the things coming out of her mouth. He had no idea what he had said last night. None. He only knew that he did not love Kathy like he was suppose to, he did not care that she was leaving, had left, him. He only knew that before him stood the woman that was his best friend, his soul mate, the air he breathed, the beat of his heart, the missing piece of his innermost being and she was telling him she did not think he loved her. That what he had said to her was nothing more than a bunch of lies. He could not get a word in edgewise and didn't know what to do so he could have a say, so he did the only thing that he could think of to shut her up.

"I was such a fool, such a fool. I love you so much and I couldn't believe that you could possibly feel the same about me. " Her laugh was hollow, sorrowful. "Newsflash! I was right! He doesn't love you ! He still loves his wife! No matter that he told you all those things, no matter that you believed him, trusted him when he told you he loved you. Olivia Benson, you are a complete idiot!! A complete fool! He loves his..."

Elliot grabbed Liv's face in both of his hands and pulled her to him. His lips caught hers in a crushing kiss. It was not the kiss he had anticipated for their first one, but he was not complaining. Strangely, all he could think of was that for as tempting as her lip gloss made her lips look, it did not have much of a taste. She stepped backward in an effort to get away from him, but found herself up against the kitchen wall. She struggled against him, her hands between them, pushing violently at his chest. She could not budge him. He was as solid as a wall of stone. When that did not work, she reached up behind him with her right hand and grabbed furiously at his short hair and tried to pull his face away from hers. It hurt him and he grunted in pain. He reached up behind and grabbed her hand with his left hand and pinned it to the wall beside her. He continued kissing her. Hard. She was still struggling for all she was worth. She even tried to knee him, but he simply stepped closer and pinned her whole body against the wall with his. Everything else had failed, so she did the last thing she could think of to do. She bit him. Hard.

"Aaaaggghhh! Olivia!" He jerked his head away and put his right hand to his lip. Blood. He still held on to her. His blue eyes shimmered like steel icicles in their coldness, her brown ones smoldered with the fire of the fury he had unleashed. The glares they exchanged were both cold enough to freeze the world and hot enough to turn around and melt that freeze ten times over.

Her breaths were coming in sharp, short intakes. She was shaking all over. "Elliot...let...me...go! You have no right to..." She started again.

He looked at her, his eyes narrowed, his breathing rough and deep. He felt her heart pounding against his chest. Should he call her bluff or fold? In an instant, he made his decision. He took up where he had left off when she bit him. Bloody, swollen lip and all, he grabbed her face and he kissed her again, capturing her lips in a bruising kiss. Once again she struggled for all she was worth. But then, she seemed to slow, still struggling, but not quite as hard. Then, she seemed to give up. Give in. Surrender. And then, suddenly, as hard as she had struggled to get him away from her, she was grasping at him just as hard to keep him near her, to pull him closer, to kiss him back. To consume him. Slowly, the anger, the fury faded and gave way to gentleness, tenderness. He felt her tears streaming down her face and over his fingers. He knew he was crying, too, and knew their tears mingled. Became one. This was the kiss Elliot had always dreamed would be their first. Gentle, tender, connecting that final piece of their hearts that had been missing for a lifetime. After what seemed like an eternity of kissing her, feeling her against him, he pulled away, her face once again cupped in his hands, this time there was no roughness, no anger. Only gentleness, love. Slowly, his hands tangled in her hair, massaged her head and neck and at last fell to her waist and he pulled her to him.

Their breathing slowly returned to normal as they stood, arms around each other, foreheads touching, silent. After a long moment, he spoke.

"Olivia Benson...I don't know what I did or what I said last night, but I love you. More than life itself, I love you. Only you." He kissed her forehead and stepped away from her.

She wiped her eyes and sniffled. "I want to believe you so bad, Elliot, so bad. But, I know what I heard you say last night. And I can't get that out of my mind, out of my heart..."

"Liv...Kathy and I...we went to the attorney today...he said our divorce can be final in a week or so..."

She interrupted him. "How? How can it be final so soon?" She was shaking her head.

"Neither of us stopped the proceedings last year when I went back home...Liv, I don't want Kathy anymore...we've been over for a long time...it's you I want, Liv...only you. You gotta believe me." He was pleading now, because he sensed she was about to do something he did not think he could handle right now.

"No...there was no mistaking what you said last night, Elliot. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't. I want you to go. I won't be your second choice because Kathy left you. Please. Just go." She was shaking again and on the verge of tears.

"Liv...that's not how it is...I swear to you..." He was beginning to be very upset.

"How can you swear to me, Elliot...you were so drunk last night you have no idea what you said...and we all know that people tend to say and do the things they really feel when they are drunk...so now I know that it's really Kathy you love...so please...just go...I...I don't...I don't want to see you anymore...I can't..." She began to cry but maintained her distance from him.

"Oh, Liv, Liv...you don't mean that...please..." He reached for her and she took several steps away, tears began to pool in his eyes and her face became blurry.

"No. Don't make this any worse, Elliot. Please. Go." She opened the door and stood there with her arms folded across her chest, begging him with her eyes to go. To leave.

He slammed the door shut and grabbed her to him again. This time she was like a limp rag. No fight. "Olivia! I am not leaving! Not until we figure this out!" Anger worked the first time, but it was doing nothing now.

Her face was devoid of any emotion. What he could not know, was that her emotions had been completed and utterly devastated, annihilated and at that moment she felt nothing. She was numb. He sensed something had changed but had no idea what it was or what to do with it.

"There's nothing to figure out, Elliot. Nothing. Nothing between us. Go. Go home to Kathy. I don't want you here. Go." She looked at him blankly, the tears drying on her face. A calmness had overtaken her. Her voice flat.

"Nothing between us...Liv...please..." He begged.

"Elliot, go." She opened the door again and looked down at the floor.

"Okay...okay. If that's what you want right now, I'll go. I'll go, Liv, for you. But this is not over. You hear me, Olivia. It is not over." He stepped out the doorway.

As she closed the door, she spoke softly. "I'll talk to Cragen tomorrow about changing partners."

"Olivia, no! Olivia! Open this door!! Liv, come on! Open the door! You are not running away again! I love you! You love me! Don't do this! Oliva! Liv! Liv! I love you, Liv! Do not do this! Please!! Open the door!" His shouts and banging on her door went on for close to fifteen minutes, before she heard the super come and talk to him. He couldn't afford to be reported, Cragen would put him on desk duty or suspension, so he gave up and left.

She watched out of the peep hole as it all played out. When she could no longer see Elliot, she slumped against the door, crumpling to the floor where she lay listening to the restrains of his voice that were seared into her memory. His voice becoming more and more ragged from screaming her name, hoarse from shouting 'I love you', cracking from begging her to open the door. She would never get that voice out of her head. Never.

So, this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out, to shrivel inside because of an unrequited love, to die of a broken heart. No wonder she had scorned love for so long. If you never love, you never hurt. And all she knew was right now the numbness that enveloped her earlier was gone. Now she was feeling a gripping pain with the intensity of which she never could have imagined one could survive. She laughed to herself. That remained to be seen, didn't it. If she survived. If.

- - - - - -

**A/N: **_Well..low grade fever since Tue...scratchy throat...gonna take more than that to keep me from writing. It's amazing how I get caught up in my own story at times...almost like Liv and El are my friends that I need to go bail out! LOL! Keep the reviews coming...I think I am seeing the end of this story. " ) Bensler_

_P.S. For all of my readers who are also sick, we gotta hang in there! And thanks for the get well wishes from others. " ) B_


	20. Destiny

**Chapter 20 - Destiny**

**Stabler Residence**

**Friday, January 25, 11:35 p.m.**

Elliot could not believe what had transpired tonight between him and Liv. If he had not just experienced it, he would never have believed he could go from the highest of highs, thinking he and Liv could finally be together, to the lowest of lows, wondering if he would ever be able to repair the damage that he had apparently inflicted, unwittingly though it may have been, on their relationship last night in his inebriated state. He had to know what he had done in order to fix it and there was really no way to know what he had done since he was out of it and remembered nothing. He had no idea what to do. He only knew he could not lose Liv, not when he was just getting to the point that he could actually be with her. Especially not now.

He wished he could talk to Maureen or Kathleen. Maybe they could shed some light on the apparently unforgivable actions he must have committed last night. He had called them both repeatedly, but knew Maureen was out with friends and probably just did not want to be disturbed. Kathleen...well, he had no idea what she was doing because she had gotten off work thirty five minutes ago and she was not answering either. He sat in the recliner alternately angry at Kathleen and then worrying about her for not calling. He worried about Liv and would he be able to salvage their relationship. He finally turned on the television to have some sort of distraction from his overloaded brain.

**Stabler Residence**

**Saturday, January 26, 10:10 a.m.**

That is exactly where Kathleen found him the following morning, sitting in the recliner, asleep, as she tried to sneak past him to her room. The stairs creaked loudly and he jumped, sensing someone else in the house. He turned to see her grinning at him sheepishly.

"Hey, Daddy." She turned and came back down the stairs.

"Don't you mean, 'good morning', Daddy?" He did not smile.

"Oh...is it morning?" She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Look, I'm really sorry, Dad. I just lost track of time and we were having a great time at Torie's and before I knew it I fell asleep watching the movie. And I left my cell phone in Torie's car and didn't think about it til this morning." She explained.

"Well...you are twenty years old...but, hey, for your old man's sake...just give me a call and let me know you are okay, okay? You know the things that go through my head with the job I have..." He tousled her hair and kissed the top of her head.

"Okay. I love you, Dad. I'm going to get a shower." She kissed him and headed for the stairs again.

"Love you, too. Hey, Kathleen...uh...the other night when...uh...when Liv was here...what happened?" He asked.

"What do you mean? You got hurt and we needed help..." Turning toward him, she stopped midway up the stairs.

"No, no, not that...I mean...did I do or ...uh say anything that...you know...upset her?" He looked so helpless, so torn up.

Understanding dawned on her at last. "Oooohhhh...that's what you mean." She shook her head and clucked her tongue. "Tsk, tsk, tsk."

"What's that suppose mean? What did I do? What did I say?" He was getting upset now.

"Well, you actually said some pretty bad things and..." She did not get to finish.

"Bad things? What? What could I have said?" He demanded.

"Listen, Dad. Maureen and I filmed what all was going on, but she's got the camera...she was going to have her roommate put the video on a DVD for her. How about I get quick shower, you get ready, too, and we'll go by her place so you can see yourself in action." She stood waiting for him to answer.

"You filmed me...why..." He was totally confused.

"Trust me, Dad, it will all become clear when you see the footage, okay?" She ran for the bathroom.

- - - - -

**Maureen Stabler Residene**

**Saturday, January 26, 12:00 p.m.**

Elliot had filled the girls in on what had happened at Liv's the night before...well, about everything except him kissing her. He told them he remembered trashing the kitchen and getting the beer and whiskey out to drink. He remembered that when he finished it, he still wanted more. He wanted enough to numb his mind and heart from the pain of Kathy taking his kids away from him again. That was why he was so upset. The thought of losing his kids and baby, not because Kathy wanted out, wanted a divorce. He was going to the basement for wine when he lost his footing and after that the things he remembered were sketchy. He thought he remembered Liv patting him on the face and talking to him. He remembered someone pressing on his ribs and asking where it hurt. A few bits and pieces here and there, but not much made sense. He needed to see this video.

"Are you ready? When you see this, you'll understand why Liv was so upset..." Maureen held the remote in her hand.

"_Is_ so upset." He corrected, as he sat down on her couch.

"Okay..._is_ so upset. If we had not filmed it and stayed right there with you, we would have thought you said just what Liv thought you did. Only we knew how things really are with you and Mom and that there was no way you meant those things about her." Maureen explained. She popped in the DVD and hit play.

_He was laying on the couch, pushing the blanket away, throwing his pillow. Alternately reaching out for Kathleen and then pushing her away. 'Liv...can't...Kathy...you can't...Kath...don't...I can't...Liv...without you...can't...please, please...' _Elliot did not like watching himself like this. No wonder Liv wanted nothing to do with him. "I didn't mean it like that...like it sounds...I know I didn't." He told the girls.

"Just wait, Dad...it's very clear what you mean..." Kathleen told him.

'_Hurts to...aghhh...breathe...mmmm...can't breathe...Liv...I need you, babe...don't leave...Kathy...Kath...I can't...do..this...anymore...can't...Liv...without you...' _Elliot was shaking his head. "No..no way! That is not..."

"Dad! Just wait." Both girls exclaimed.

'_Daddy...are you talking about Mom? You need Mom?" Maureen asked._

'_Uh...uh...' He shook his head. 'Need...need...Liv...' He was thrashing around, grasping for the air, he supposed in an attempt to find Liv. _

'_Is it Liv you need? Olivia? Daddy, tell me...' Maureen asked him. _

'_Yea...need...Olivia...Liv...without you nothing's right...don't leave...me...Liv...grrrmm...Kathy! Don't! Don't take my baby...my kids...please...where's Liv...Olivia! Where...where's my Liv...where...aahhh...hurts so bad...I...I n-need...you...Liv, baby, I need you...need you...aaaggghhh...Oliva!'_

_The girls were trying to keep him still, whispering to him. Nothing worked. Nothing until Kathleen tried a different tactic._

'_Daddy...I'm calling Liv...okay? Okay? She's going to be here in just a minute...can you wait? Liv's coming over...okay? Can you wait for Liv, Daddy?' Kathleen asked him._

'_Mmmm...call? Liv? Wait...aagghh...wait...yea...yea...get Liv...I want...Liv...need her.' He paused, visibly quieting down. 'Please...get...Liv...love...you...love...Liv...' His voice became calmer, softer. _

Even Elliot, knowing full well the affect Liv could have on him when he was in a rage, was amazed at how his breathing evened out, how he quit thrashing about, how quickly he settled down after Kathleen told him she was calling Olivia. He knew how her soft touch or his name whispered in her husky voice, would almost instantly quell the rage within him, but this was truly amazing to watch.

Maureen hit the pause button and turned to her Dad. "Liv has to believe you now, Dad. We have the proof."

His eyes filled with tears that he quickly blinked back as he pulled both of his daughters to him. "I don't know what I'd do without you two!" He sniffled.

- - - - - - -

**Novak Residence**

**Saturday, January 26, 12:45 p.m.**

She pulled up to the neatly kept brownstone and turned off the ignition. There she sat, confused as ever, lost in her thoughts. After the emotional evisceration of last night, Olivia was surprised to find that sleep did not come easily. She had thought she was so exhausted that she would eventually cry herself to sleep. Cry she did, but she remained fully awake. She knew it was a matter of time before Elliot would be at her door again. She could not face him. Not now. Maybe not ever. Finally, she knew what she had to do. She called the hospital. They had no problem letting her come in earlier for her last dialysis. She made one other phone call and then showered, dressed, packed a small suitcase and was at the hospital by 7:30. Four and a half hours later she walked out, free from medical care until Tuesday when she need to see Dr. Bonsall for a checkup. She got out of the car, pulled her suitcase from the trunk and went to the door. Before she could knock, the door opened and the owner smiled at her.

"Hey." Casey opened the storm door and held it for her.

"Hey. Thanks for letting me stay here...I really appreciate it." She picked up her suitcase and stepped inside.

"No problem. That's what friends are for, you know." She gave her a quick hug and immediately tears sprung to Liv's eyes.

"Oh, Liv...I am so sorry...I didn't mean to..." Casey pulled a couple of Kleenex from a box on the entrance table and handed them to her.

"No...it's okay...I'm just a little tired and weepy and emotional..." Liv wiped her eyes and nose.

"Come on...your room is ready...it's right down the hall to your left. The far door, leads to the kitchen, so if you need a midnight snack, feel free." She showed her into a beautifully decorated bedroom with a queen size bed and it's own sitting area and bathroom.

"Wow. Last time I was over, this was your junk room...and the other door was not even visible. It's gorgeous." Olivia stared at the transformation.

"Yea, well, I paid dearly for this...Liam & Friends...they could have come straight from HGTV...well, maybe not 'straight'..." They both laughed. "But they sure know their decorating." She looked at Liv for a second and then turned to leave. "Listen, I'll let you get settled...if you want to talk or go do something or...not...it's fine with me, okay. I'm here if you need me, Liv."

"If you don't mind, I think I am going to try to catch a few..." Liv smiled. "Oh...and Case...remember...please don't tell..."

"Don't worry. I have managed to avoid him so far..." Casey nodded her head.

"He's already called you?" Liv looked shocked.

"Three times..I won't tell him a thing...go...get some rest." She closed the door to Liv's room.

- - - - - -

**SVU Squadroom**

**Saturday, January 26, 2:00 p.m.**

When he left Maureen's, he was a man with a mission. He was going to make Olivia Benson let him in, sit her down and watch this DVD with him. He remembered she was going for dialysis at noon. Glancing at his watch, he saw it was half past. She would be right in the middle of the treatment with nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Held captive. Perfect. He would make her watch it while she was being treated. Maybe he would even get a nurse to pop it in the DVD player without telling her anything. He thought that was a great plan. The only thing was, when he got to the hospital, he found out she had come early and had just finished her treatment about a half an hour ago.

The rest of the day Elliot called Olivia. He went by her place four different times and even left a note tacked to her door. He called her home phone and then her cell. Then he called her home phone from outside of her apartment and listened to himself leave a message. He called everyone on the squad. He could not get in touch with Casey. He almost called Pierce. No one had heard from her. He went by the precinct just in case and found Captain Cragen there, which was rare for a weekend. The minute Elliot asked about her, he knew she had already talked to him.

"Captain, please...don't listen to her...not yet.." Elliot begged.

"Olivia was very clear on what she wanted, Elliot. Frankly, I'm inclined to agree with her." He told him.

"Excuse me?" Elliot was incredulous that the captain would say that to him.

"Elliot, this has been an ongoing issue. Whatever is between the two of you...it never really gets better. If anything, it seems more intense each time there is a blow-up. It's not good for the unit or either of you...especially, Olivia..." He explained, clearly upset to say these things.

"Especially, Olivia? What does that mean?" He felt the ire raising up with him.

"You have Kathy and your kids...Olivia has...no one...and she..." The captain started.

"No one? No one? Who am I? Who the heck am I?" Elliot's voice was loud and angry.

"That's just it, Elliot. You are a husband and a father. You can't be those things and what Olivia needs. It's time to give it up, son. It's time to let her go." Don hated saying these things to him.

"Time to...let...her...go? I...I can't...I can't do that, Don..." He choked on the words. "Things are about to change...give me a week, week and half. I promise. Please, just don't make any permanent changes until then."

The look Cragen gave him was stern, but he nodded his head. "Paperwork can be slow...I can a hold it a week or so." He paused. "Make it good, Elliot."

"I will. Thanks, Captain." Elliot breathed a sigh of relief.

- - - - - -

**Novak Residence**

**Saturday, January 26, 10:30 p.m.**

Liv and Casey rented a couple of movies and picked up a pizza. They watched one of the movies, but ended up talking instead of watching the second one, because Casey's home phone rang.

"Novak Residence." She answered.

The minute she heard his voice, she motioned to Liv. "Hey, Case. Where you been all day? You haven't returned any of my calls...what's going on?" Elliot asked her.

"Oh, hi, Elliot. Been kind of busy and right now I...uh..." She purposefully spoke quieter, like she was trying not to be heard. "I'm...uh...entertaining a guest...if you know what I mean."

He laughed. "Then I guess you don't know where Liv is, do you?"

"Liv? No, no idea what's up with her..." Not a lie...well, maybe, sort of a white one. She made a face at Liv.

"Yea...well, if you hear from her, tell her to call me...haven't been able to get in touch with her today..." He sounded really down.

"What have you done to her now, Stabler?" Casey asked, partially in jest, hoping to perk him up.

"I haven't done anything to her! Why does everyone keep asking me that?" He was on the defensive now.

"Sorry...sorry...I was just messing with you. I take it back." She replied.

They said goodbye and hung up. Casey looked at Liv and shook her head. "Girlfriend, I don't know what's going on, but he's about to go nuts to talk to you. Spill." She sat back down on the couch, turned to Liv and waited.

Olivia looked away and fidgeted with her watch. She sighed heavily and leaned back on the couch. "You know, I never thought I could be in this situation." Liv sank deeper into the corner of Casey's overstuffed couch.

"You know you never have really clarified what exactly the situation is..." Casey munched on a leftover pizza crust.

"Clarified?" Liv rolled her eyes and snorted. "Things are too complicated to clarify."

"Well, try...I'm not going anywhere...and maybe saying things out loud will help you figure out what's going on...what you feel...that is...if you want to..." She suggested.

"I'm not even sure where to begin..." She sighed. "Well, you know, Elliot and I...we have this...this..."

"Nothing new there, Liv. Everyone knows that you and Elliot have a thing." Now Casey rolled her eyes.

"We do not have a _thing_!" She was immediately on the defense.

"You know what I mean...anyone that is around you for more than a few minutes senses that you guys have this...this..." She looked at Liv and shrugged.

Olivia shook her head. "Thing." They both erupted into laughter. She turned serious again, running her hands through her hair, biting her lip. "I...tried so hard...so hard not to let it happen, Case. I did. I told myself he was married, off limits. His wife needed him. His kids...he has five kids now...too much baggage. I made myself date...well...sometimes. But still it happened..." She trailed off.

"You and Elliot? You _didn't_...I never thought either of you could..." Casey was astonished.

"No! No! We didn't! Not that." She sat straight up and nearly shouted. "I meant, that I let myself fall in love with him. Oh, Casey, I keep trying to figure out when it happened. It wasn't like one day I woke up and said 'whoa, I am in love with my partner'. But I wish I could pinpoint the time. Maybe it was when he came all the way out from Queens to drive me to work because Richard White was stalking me...or after he put that detail on me and once I got over being mad, I realized it was because he cared about me. For all I know it was the very first day we met. When Cragen introduced us, there was this amazing, instantaneous connection...like he completed me. I know it sounds weird...but from the very first moment, it was like I had known him all my life...like he had been a part of me all my life and I never realized he was missing until I met him and suddenly felt complete. It was as though I had to meet him...as though it were destiny. He was my destiny." She looked over at Casey. "I'm being silly, aren't I?"

"No. You're not." She shook her head. "If I had not seen this connection myself and the way it has grown and strengthened over the years, maybe I would think you are silly...but I have seen it, Liv. It _is_ amazing. It's not something that comes along very often and most people would give anything to have the bond you and Elliot have." She told her.

Liv was silent, staring off into space, caught up in a private world.

"He feels the same about you...you know that, right?" Casey tilted her head to try to look into Liv's eyes.

She turned and looked at Casey. "Why do you say that?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Oh, Liv...you know why. You walk into a room and the man can't keep his eyes off you...he tries and he hides it pretty good sometimes...but I see things, you know. And have you ever watched him when someone mentions you having a date? Or, heaven forbid, he sees you with a man? Liv, the tension and jealousy emanating from him cannot be hidden. That's why he usually finds some asinine reason to get angry and storm off. That way no one realizes that what's really going on is that he's jealous over you." She raised her eyebrows and smiled. "Don't tell me you have never noticed..."

Her laugh came from deep within. "Of course, I've noticed...I play it for all I'm worth!"

Casey laughed and slapped her playfully on the shoulder. "I knew it! I knew it! Oh! You are mean!"

Olivia was quiet again. Casey watched her, sensing that she had something else she needed to say. She turned slightly toward Liv, and crossed her legs. Casey was patient. She could wait.

"He told me he'd give me a kidney." An affectionate smile spread across her face.

"Wow. That says a lot, Liv." Casey was impressed. She didn't think Elliot would be that gallant. "What did you say?"

"I told him 'not if I give you mine first'." She looked at Casey, knowing she would be confused, so she took a minute to explain about the Masoner case. She also told her about Elliot getting Kathy to sign the consent form for him to be able to donate a kidney to Liv if it turned out she did need it.

Casey was lost in thought for a moment. "What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall during that conversation..."

"Yea...he never really told me what all was said...probably better that I don't know." Liv smiled softly, but it was really more of a smirk.

"Yea...probably." She agreed.

"He told me things, Case. We...we told each other things." Liv tilted her head side to side, trying to release the tension in her neck. "Things that we have felt but...but tried to push away, run from, ignore for...for almost nine years. He told me he was going to talk to Kathy..."

"Talk to her about what?" Casey had a feeling where this was going, because the rumor mill had always been abuzz with the fact the Stablers' marriage was shaky and that never changed after he back after the separation. If anything, she heard the fighting was worse.

"He didn't really come right and say...but I am pretty sure he was going to tell her he wanted out, that it wasn't working..." She seemed to be in another world.

"That's what the grapevine has been saying almost since they got back together." Casey told her.

"What? Really? I hadn't heard that..." She frowned and repositioned herself on the couch.

"Yea, well, since you are usually part of the rumor, no one wants to mention it to you because they might slip up, you know." She scrunched her face at Liv.

"Me? Oh, good grief! These people need to get a life!" She grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest.

"So...what happened that you don't want to talk to him? I mean...you don't have to tell me...just you know, if you feel like talking about it..." Casey wanted to be there for her friend, but she didn't want to push her.

"Well, okay...I told you about him telling me things...and cooking dinner for me Thursday night and Pierce deleting all of Elliot's calls and messages and I broke it off with him. When El got home Thursday night, he found a note from Kathy that she had taken the kids and gone to her Mom's...just like the first time she left him.." She looked up at Casey.

"You mean...she left him again?" Casey's eyes were wide as saucers.

Liv nodded. "He trashed the kitchen, got plastered and then fell down the stairs to the basement in search of more alcohol...wine and smacked his head. He has a big bump, a two inch gash and two broken ribs." She watched as horror settle on Casey's face.

"Is he okay? Oh, no...the 911 tapes...the brass..." Worry instantly replaced the horror.

"He's fine...I got a doctor friend of mine to check him out at home...off the record." Liv shrugged and smiled.

Casey let out a sigh of relief and smiled.

"Anyway, I was going to stay the night with him and the girls and get him to the clinic the next morning. He was really out of it and nearly the entire time he kept calling for Kathy and saying he couldn't live without her...I...couldn't...take...I...it was too much...I left in the middle of the night." She explained.

"Ouch. Gosh, Liv...did he say anything else..." Casey sympathized.

"Oh...sure...he said my name several times...but it was Kathy he wanted...anyway...he called me all day and then showed up at my place last night with chocolate milkshakes." She rubbed her neck, smiling slightly.

"Chocolate? You let him in, right?" Casey teased.

"Right. He told me he and Kathy saw their attorney that afternoon and that the divorce could be final in a week or so..." Liv pinched the bridge of her nose and blew out a loud breath through pursed lips.

"What? How?" Casey knew it took much longer than that.

"They never stopped the original proceedings and all that's needed is the judge's signature." She leaned forward a bit and a curtain of hair fell across her face hiding her right eye.

"So what's the problem? Sounds like he's about to be free...you're free..." Casey raised her eyebrows at Liv.

"The problem is him mumbling all night long for Kathy not to leave...that he couldn't live without her. You think that's not a problem, Case?" She asked, flipping her bangs out of her face.

"Did you ask him about it?" She wondered.

"Of course...he couldn't remember anything...he just told me he only knew that he...that he...he..." She paused, looked at Casey and stood up. "Uh...I'm really tired...I'm gonna head to bed. No use talking about this. It's not going to change anything." She started toward the bedroom.

"Olivia! You can't just leave me like this! What did he tell you?" She demanded.

She stopped just inside the bedroom and turned to look back at Casey. "He told me...'I don't know what I did or what I said last night, but I love you. More than life itself, I love you.'" She shut the door behind her, leaving Casey with her mouth hanging open and her eyes opened wide in shock.

- - - - - - -

**Novak Residence**

**Sunday, January 28**

Olivia had spent most of Sunday relaxing. She got up early and walked five miles. She was still a bit tired and not quite up to par from her recovery and she decided to forego her normal run. After showering, she and Casey went to a nearby restaurant for brunch. They talked about everything except what Olivia had told her last night. She had made it clear that she was finished with that line of conversation, at least for now. They did some browsing in some of the shops along the way, watched ice skaters for awhile and finally headed back to Casey's. Liv tried to get into reading a book she found on the bedside table, while Casey worked on her trial prep for the upcoming week. Late in the evening, they went for supper at a small café that Casey recommended.

"You've been awfully quiet...you okay?" Casey asked Liv.

She had barely said ten words in the thirty minutes that had been there. "Yea...lot on my mind..." Liv replied with a sad smile.

"Did you let Elliot explain why he said those things?" Casey asked cautiously.

"Casey...I told you I don't..." Anger flashed in her eyes as she threw her napkin down.

"Look, I know you don't want to talk about it...but Liv, the guy said he loved you! And he was conscious and sober and coherent when he said it! That has to count for something!" She exclaimed, leaning across the table to look straight in her eyes.

"Maybe...but why would he say all those other things about Kathy?" The look of shear misery on Liv's face, tore at Casey's heart.

"I don't know...I don't know...but he deserves a chance to explain or show you otherwise..." She whispered, shaking her head.

Casey's cell phone vibrated and she looked down. A text message appeared. Urgent. Glancing at Liv, she stood up. "Sorry, but I'm going to have to respond to this text, Liv. Excuse me." She stepped away into a quiet corner.

Liv watched her animated hand motions and the changing expressions that flitted across Casey's face as she talked. Every now and then she caught a few words...neighbor...key...at least another hour...just leave it there.., but nothing that gave a hint of who she was talking to or what they were talking about. After five or six minutes, she smiled, ended the call and made another one before heading for the table.

"What's up?" Liv asked as Casey sat down again.

"Oh...uh...something about setting up video footage that will be entered as evidence...the advances of technology never cease to amaze me..." She grinned as told Liv about it.

"What case? I don't recall anything about tapes or video in anything we're handling..." Deep in thought, her brow creased as she looked at Casey.

"It's...uh...kind of a new case...uh...can't really talk about it...at least, not until I am sure this evidence will pan out. You know...this place has an absolutely divine key lime pie. I think I am going to have a piece...oh...and some coffee, too. How about it? You in?" She wiggled her brows at Liv.

Olivia laughed. "Sure. Why not? After all, I did walk five miles today!"

After dessert, Casey told Liv she wanted to see if an antique bookstore she liked was open. It was and they wandered around in it for nearly forty five minutes. Liv was getting tired and ready to head back, but Casey wanted to look for one more book. Finally, Casey was ready, too.

Pulling up into Casey's drive, Olivia sensed that she was distracted and seemed a bit nervous. "Case? You okay?" She asked her, one eyebrow raised.

"What? Oh, yea...uh...just thinking about the trial prep..." She smiled and opened the car door.

Liv followed her inside, taking off her coat and going toward her bedroom. Casey hung her coat and before Liv disappeared, she called out to her. "Hey, let's watch the other movie from last night, huh?"

"Mmmm, I don't know...I'm pretty tired..." Liv answered.

"Oh, come one...it's only..." Looking at the DVD cover, she checked the length. "...an hour and twenty five minutes...gee, that's short." Casey turned on the TV and DVD player and put a DVD in that was laying on top of the entertainment center marked 'Confessions'. Liv's going to either kill me or grovel at my feet, she thought, as she went to her bedroom.

"Well...all right. Be there in a sec." Liv put her things away and changed into light blue sweats.

Going into the living room, the TV was on, the screen blue, waiting for the movie to be started. There was no sign of Casey. "You coming?" Liv hollered, as she sat down on the couch.

"Yea...go ahead and get it started...it's already in the player...you can bypass all the previews and junk while I finish changing, okay? Casey hollered back.

"Okay." Liv leaned over to the other side of the couch and got the remote from the end table.

Curling up into her corner with her bare feet under her, she got settled and hit 'play'. She picked up the DVD box and was reading about the movie when the sounds coming from the TV piqued her interest. Lifting her head toward the images flashing before her, her heart stopped, as did her breathing. She wished she had not eaten that key lime pie because she was sure it was about to make a comeback appearance. There on the screen, in full color, crystal clear, was Elliot laying on the couch in the basement of his house. To say Liv was confused, would not have begun to describe the feelings and emotions running rampant within her right now. She could not say anything and could not tear her eyes away from the screen.

'_Liv...can't...Kathy...you can't...Kath...don't...I can't...Liv...without you...can't...please, please...' _

Liv watched as he pushed the blanket away, threw his pillow, and alternately reached out for Kathleen and then pushed her away. She hated seeing him in pain even though she knew he was okay now. And she hated the way her heart twisted in pain as he said those words.

'_Hurts to...aghhh...breath...mmmm...can't breathe...Liv...I need you, babe...don't leave...Kathy...Kath...I can't...do..this...anymore...can't...Liv...without you...' _

'_Daddy...are you talking about Mom? You need Mom?" Maureen asked._

'_Uh...uh...' He shook his head. 'Need...need...Liv...' He was thrashing around, grasping for the air, he supposed in an attempt to find Liv. _

'_Is it Liv you need? Olivia? Daddy, tell me...' Maureen asked him. _

'_Yea...need...Olivia...Liv...without you nothing's right...don't leave...me...Liv...grrrmm...Kathy! Don't! Don't take my baby...my kids...please...where's Liv...Olivia! Where...where's my Liv...where...aahhh...hurts so bad...I...I n-need...you...Liv, baby, I need you...need you...aaaggghhh...Oliva!' _

Liv thought her heart would burst. 'My' Liv. She could not believe he called for her, saying he needed her. She felt the tears springing to her eyes, as she continued to watch. There was no doubt as to what he said and meant.

_The girls were trying to keep him still, whispering to him. Nothing worked. Nothing until Kathleen tried a different tactic._

'_Daddy...I'm calling Liv...okay? Okay? She's going to be here in just a minute...can you wait? Liv's coming over...okay? Can you wait for Liv, Daddy?' Kathleen asked him._

'_Mmmm...call? Liv? Wait...aagghh...wait...yea...yea...get Liv...I want...Liv...need her.' He paused, visibly quieting down. 'Please...get...Liv...love...you...love...Liv...' His voice became calmer, softer. _

She hit the pause button and just sat there, staring at the TV, unblinking as the tears began to gather. She sensed his presence but did not turn to him. Instead, she remained silent, unmoving.

"More than life itself...I love you, Liv." Elliot's voice was so low, it caused the air to rumble around her.

The tears that pooled in her eyes and she so valiantly had held back, spilled over and began their journey down her cheeks. He came around and knelt in front of her. He took her face in his hands, gently smoothing the tears away with his thumbs, as his intense blue eyes repeated the words he had just spoken audible.

"I love you, too, El." The words were nearly choked out by her sobs.

She reached for him and he pulled her to her feet, encircling his strong arms around her, kissing her softly, gently. It was a kiss full of promise, full of things to come. Olivia felt the tension rush from her body. It was replaced with something she had never truly felt or experienced before. As she stood there gazing into the eyes of the man she had loved for so long and never dreamed could love her back, she realized she finally belonged. She belonged to Elliot. She belonged in his world. His new world. Their world.

Everything they had thought and felt and dreamed and hoped, everything they had pushed away, locked up, ignored, ran from, pretended did not exist, everything that had lived just below the surface within the two of them for nearly nine years, was released. Destiny had released it. Released them. Destiny was Olivia and Elliot. Destiny was forever.

- - - - - -

**A/N:** _Th-th-th-th-that's all folks! Hope you enjoyed it. Do I let it go? Do a sequel? I kind of left it open about Liv's kidneys... Work on my third story I have already started? Give me some suggestions. By the way, my stories have been pretty long. Do you mind them being long or do you prefer shorter ones? Myself, I prefer longer ones. Just wondering. Thanks for being faithful readers and reviewers! " ) Bensler_


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